My OH

[MissMamma]

I really dont know what to do with him anymore. We love each other, i know that but sometimes i really cant live with him. He just doesn't do anything. He doesn't work and i don't mind this, i don't want to force him to work a crappy job that i know i wouldn't want to do. I just want him to have some sort of aim in life, some sort of ambition!
He talks the talk and everytime he does i believe him, he says he just wants to be home with us for the first six months, to be the kind of dad his father never was, and i can understand this but we're so poor atm and i can't physically go out and work, i work part time atm but will have to give it up soon.
He smokes weed and he went one day yesterday without because we literally didn't have any money and i made him feel guilty for wanting to spend a tenner on some bud when his pregnant girlfriend didn't have any food for her tea and we had car insurance to pay. He was horrible. He was so mean and stressed and took everything out on me, and he just can't see what he's doing wrong.
He makes me feel so guilty for telling him he's lazy, or telling him he doesn't do anything about the baby [i am expected to do EVERYTHING, he shouted at me today for not knowing where the shop was where we were getting the pram from and i was like "why do i have to know? why can't you?"] I feel guilty even now writing about him but i don't know what to do and i need to talk to someone. I can't talk to my mum because as much as she likes him she sees a lot of my dad in him [my mum and dad are split up now] and i'm afraid she would just tell me to get out before things get any worse. I know i wont leave him. I love him and we're having a baby together!
I've threatened to leave him before, i've told him i refuse to live with him if he acts like he did last night without weed, i'm NOT having that around my lil girl and i've told him i don't want to spend my life with someone who doesn't have ambition but i know, in my heart, i'll never leave.
How can i make him see how unbearable he's being? Everytime i try to discuss it he makes all the right noises, promises me he'll change and the very next day we're back to the same routine. He's obviously scared about becoming a daddy but i'm scared about becoming a mummy too!
Sorry for ranting girls..xx

 

[divershona]

don't be sorry for ranting, its what we are all here for afterall !!!!

i don't really have any advice for you hunni, have you tried telling him how his actions make you feel? and how scared you are about being a mummy yourself? i know that seems obvious but i forget to actually tell FOB how im feeling about certain things sometimes and he gets rather annoyed at the fact that we don't talk about anything other than the baby anymore ... well yeah what else are we meant to talk about? your new GF?, NO THANKS!!!!

hope things work out for you hunny

 

[MissMamma]

Yea we talk quite a lot, to be fair he is a good boyfriend and most of the time i just ignore/push to the back of my mind the things that upset me.
Everytime we talk he promises to change but it never happens, we must've had this "talk" about three/four times since i fell pregnant and nothings changed.
I think i'm just having a crappy day today..xx

 

[pinkribbon]

Tell him actions speak louder than words, and you need him to change for the sake of his daughter too. If he doesn't change, it's up to you to either learn to accept that, or to move on and hope that it's a kick up the backside for him. That's all I can suggest

 

[AngelzTears]

Am I the only one totally concerned about the weed thing? That's so so terrible that he would spend money on that before food and bills, bad enough he does it at all. Honestly I could never be with someone who smokes stuff, but that's just me. Anyway! If you're posting on here about the fact that his not working upsets you, then it's bothering you enough that I think you should say something about it! My OH said he would get another job after he quit his previous job. He never even tried to get one and it had been a year! I finally stood up for myself and said that if I was going to stay living with him and have a family he needed to get his butt into gear! And he did Gotta make sure baby is provided for!

 

[MissMamma]

I am concerned about the weed thing too and i know i'm a massive hypocrite, if any other girl came along and said her bf put weed over her and her unborn child i would tell them to get rid but guess what?! he's quit! He's now not smoked anything for over a week, no baccy or weed. I'm so happy and proud of him.
Sometimes i feel like i've made the wrong decision to have a baby with him, i do love him but we fight so much at the minute. We just had another row last night and we're rowing now! He accuses me of being distant and emotionally unavailable and i accuse him of being needy and clingy. i really worry that i've made a huge mistake by having a baby with him sometimes, everything just seems ten times harder and it's only going to be even harder when she's here!

I finally stood up for myself and said that if I was going to stay living with him and have a family he needed to get his butt into gear! And he did Gotta make sure baby is provided for!

I have told him this but then i feel tight for forcing him to work a crappy job that i wouldn't want to work whilst i sit at home with the baby. Things are so difficult atm, money is super tight, we're not having sex because tbh i just really don't feel like it and he finds this impossible to understand.

Ooh and Melody congrats on your lil girl ..xx

 

[ablacketer]

part of being a grown up is doing things you dont want to do. Soon you will be getting up several times at night to feed a new born, is that something you always wanted to do? I bet not. He needs to grow the hell up and provide for his family.

I hate to say it, and dont hate me for saying it, but you need to grow a pair yourself. He is taking advantage of how nice you are. If you dont stop it now, he will run all over you and mooch off of you the rest of your lives and you wont be happy with that.

 

[Jadelm]

WARNING: PESSIMISTIC REPLY

Just giving my 2 cents hun and it's almost deffo not what you wanna hear but thought I'd share
Your OH sounds A LOT like FOB. Always making me feel bad for telling him to get a job, using his past as a way to emotionally manipulate the situation so that he's in the right (you said about him wanting to be a better dad then his.. then he should be wanting to provide for his baby imo - with fob it was the same but with his mum cos she left when he was 2). I was working my arse off and lending him money left right and centre for things he 'needed' to make himself feel better about life like new clothes or whatever (seems stupid now looking back but at the time i just wanted to cheer him up) and everything to do with the baby was my responsibility and I had to tell him everything that was going on and if I didn't know then I was an idiot/bad mum.. it's like well why don't you find out yourself and then YOU can tell ME?!

Anyways long story short I felt the same that I knew it wasn't good and he had his nice moments (although in hindsight they were few and far between) and I couldn't imagine my life without him.. but at 14 weeks I'd had enough of his bullshit and I broke up with him. I fully intended it to be just a shock to get him to get his act together and I was absolutely heartbroken every day I spent without him.. but the longer we were apart the better my life/my mood/my stress level/my finances got and I felt stronger and stronger and more positive about the future for me and my baby. He on the other hand has got more and more useless and has practically given up on us. He owes me money that I know I'll never see and I've bought EVERYTHING for my baby, he's not spent a penny on her. He barely even calls to check up on us even when I was in hospital. Even though it's the hardest thing I've ever done I'm so glad now that I walked away from him because I know I would've had a miserable life with him no matter how much I loved him.

So yeah, that's my story! I know things might be really different for you but it just sounded really similar and I wish sometimes people had been more honest with me about things when I was having problems early on cos it would've made some decisions easier to make.. but that said I really hope you and your OH have something completely different and you manage to work things out and be happy if you do ever wanna talk just pm me xxx

 

[MissMamma]

*sigh* i know what your saying is right. And Jade what you're saying is uncannily similar. I've just kind of pushed evertything to the back of my mind atm. I dont want to have to deal with it, i have money issues too atm
I still dont know what i'm going to do. I know what i should do [thank you girlies ] but its so hard..xx

 

[vaniilla]

part of being a grown up is doing things you dont want to do. Soon you will be getting up several times at night to feed a new born, is that something you always wanted to do? I bet not. He needs to grow the hell up and provide for his family.

I hate to say it, and dont hate me for saying it, but you need to grow a pair yourself. He is taking advantage of how nice you are. If you dont stop it now, he will run all over you and mooch off of you the rest of your lives and you wont be happy with that.

I completely agree, we all have to do things we don't want to in life, its that which separates us from kids, he is going to be a dad soon and he needs to be taking responsibility because not wanting to do something is not an excuse, work is work, its there to provide for you and his baby, if he finds a job he doesn't want then he should go out and get some qualifications to find a job he does want

I hope you do whats best for you and your lo, don't let him sweet talk you with words, make sure he knows where he stands if doesn't change I really hope it works out for the best, but don't feel that you have to be in a situation, sometimes the best thing is the hardest.