my parents won't let FOB see his baby :/

[mummy2191]

Hi everyone.

Basically just need some advice and support about my parents and the father of my baby. I'm due any minute now.

Me and the father were together for 8 months and I got pregnant when we were together for about 6, we lived together and got into quite a bit of debt which we asked my parents for help for. The relationship wasn't the best, my ex didn't like me going out with friends and there were alot of money issues, him spending money on things we didn't need etc.

We split up when I was 2 months pregnant because of my parents forever giving him a hard time over the money he owed them which I know they have full right to do but they were really nasty saying that he wasn't going to be a good dad and he was a waste of space etc.

He came to all the scans but after the 20 week one I didn't hear from him again until a few days ago when he got in contact, told me he'd been depressed because he couldn't talk to me without going through my parents and he thought that he wouldn't be able to see his daughter because they wouldn't be happy about it. Anyway we met up and went for a walk and he told me how he'd been to a counseller about his money problems and his anger and his controlling behaviour and had recieved help and he thought he could be better in a relationship now. He said he has been giving his mum all his money since we last spoke to save up for the baby and has been buying things. etc etc.

Anyway I told my mum and dad and they weren't happy at all, said that they'd disown me if i got back into a relationship with him. I said I have no intention of getting back with him yet, I just want him to be there for the baby but that I won't rule it out but I will be more careful about it.

Hes said that he will give me £20-£30 a week out of his JSA but that he is going on a security course next week which has a guaranteed job at the end of it when he will give me more money, that he wants to see the baby on a regular basis and that he misses me and he regrets splitting up with me, but that he did it because of my mum and dad and couldn't take it anymore. He said soon after splitting up with me he was on anti depressants.

I want to give him the chance to know his daughter, I don't want her not to have her dad in her life but my mum and dad are making it really difficult. For instance he texted me today asking if he could see me because he wanted to give me some money and ask my opinion on some clothes that he wanted to buy for her so I met him. My mum then texted me asking where I was and I told her I was in town with him, she then met me and had a short strained conversation with him before telling me it'd be better for me to be home because I was heavily pregnant, I know for a fact that if I was with anyone else she wouldn't have made me come home.

At the end of the day I am sick of it, I'm 20 years old, about to give birth and I'm not naive, I know that it might not work out but if it doesn't at least I can say I gave him the chance?

I've had him near enough crying on the phone to me since I came home saying he thinks that i'll listen to my mum and not let him see his daughter, that we won't be able to be happy together (if that does happen in a year or so) because they won't let us. I just don't know what to do at all sick of feeling in the middle all the time.

Any advice/suggestions?

 

[Cazamatazaaa]

The only advise I can offer is you hun is to do what YOU want and not anybody else. your 20, your old and wise enough to make your own decisions sweety xxxx

 

[mummy2191]

The only advise I can offer is you hun is to do what YOU want and not anybody else. your 20, your old and wise enough to make your own decisions sweety xxxx

Thank you

And in the end I will do what I want, I just don't want to fall out with my parents over all this, its so sad that it feels like I have to choose between the support of my parents and the father of my baby seeing his child

 

[sarahtia]

first off i feel for you being in that situation it must be horrible for you, he has a right to see his baby which is what you want to tell your mum and dad as he could make it hard by taking you to court not saying he would but you should put that to your parents and say you dont want it 2 go that far, you can say i am going to give him 1 chance to prove him self and if he messes up then thats it, he seems like he has been doing alot of sole searching by going to counciling and getting the help he needed which is more than what most men would do. it seems like you have made your mind up by giving him a chance you just need to tell everyone else as it would hurt them more if you lie and it comes out or they see you with him just be honest and if they really love you they wont cut you off as you are trying to do the best by your baby just like they think they are protecting you from him so you dont get hurt. maybe write your parents a letter if it would be easier. ope you get it sorted soon

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

I've been here with FOB & my mom (totally different though, since he doesn't give a damn about his baby)

Best advice I can give. Your daughter is YOURS & FOB's & its up to you two to make the right choices. Your parents will come around. They don't really have a say in what happens with your LO & in my experience, give them & inch & they will take a mile & before you know it you'll be left feeling like a shitty mum that can't do anything right.

I'm sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but I'm living it atm, & thats how I feel.

Go with your gut on this, everything will all fall into line

 

[mummy2191]

first off i feel for you being in that situation it must be horrible for you, he has a right to see his baby which is what you want to tell your mum and dad as he could make it hard by taking you to court not saying he would but you should put that to your parents and say you dont want it 2 go that far, you can say i am going to give him 1 chance to prove him self and if he messes up then thats it, he seems like he has been doing alot of sole searching by going to counciling and getting the help he needed which is more than what most men would do. it seems like you have made your mind up by giving him a chance you just need to tell everyone else as it would hurt them more if you lie and it comes out or they see you with him just be honest and if they really love you they wont cut you off as you are trying to do the best by your baby just like they think they are protecting you from him so you dont get hurt. maybe write your parents a letter if it would be easier. ope you get it sorted soon

he already told me he wouldn't have taken it to court because he doesn't think he'd get anywhere because he knows he abandoned me while i was pregnant and i know, it really feels like hes changed and i want to give him the chance

And i know what you mean, theres alot of men that wouldn't even have bothered getting in touch with me and I admire him for doing that and even more for getting the help he needed. I will give him the chance, I just really hope my mum and dad don't push him away like I think they will

 

[sarahtia]

you just need to tell them then that you will be letting him see the baby maybe ask do they want a meeting to get everything they have out so he knows how it made them feel what he had done and so he can get his view across but he would prob have to bite his tounge and let them talk, it may help in mending everything that has happened. but ideal it needs to be out and sorted before the baby comes so it doesnt affect you or the baby

make sure you make it clear that it is for the baby and you dont want the baby missing out on its dad as my dd is so close to her dad its unreal i know it would kill him if he could see her. it real is amazing the bond you get with your child as my oh use to be an arse too untill we had dd and he changed so i believe that seeing his child will only help things get even better

 

[angelpkj]

your parents will have yours and babys best interests at heart

give him the chances he needs to be a dad if you dont you shall never know

keep in mind he might not give you 20-30 quid a week from JSA as that is alot for someone on the dole to be able to fork out so he might just be telling you what he thinks you want to hear....

but there is not excuse for not providing a single penny...


my FOB used my parents as an excuse of why he felt he couldnt be a dad to LO but now i realise he just used them as an excuse and my parents were right

just keep your witts about yourself x

 

[mummy2191]

I might suggest a meeting sarah it makes me sad though that you're right, he probably will have to hold his tongue and take a lot of rubbish which I don't think he deserves anymore, at least hes trying.

And I know angel but he lives with his parents so he doesn't have any bills or anything to pay but I do agree with you, I think he means more like £20-£30 a fortnight which I would be happy with, on the CSA he'd only have to give me a fiver a week so at least hes giving me more

I'll give him the chance and if he messes up thats his chance gone, and I know they're only looking out for me but the way I see it, they can't hate him when he hasn't done anything yet, if he lets me down they'v got all the rights to call him every name under the sun but they don't have that atm and thats what annoys me. Just because they think he'll let me down means he WILL let me down and he doesn't deserve the chance, not fair at all.

 

[angelpkj]

aww your their little girl and they don't want to see you hurt or hurt again

i just explained to my parents that they need to back off and that if FOB fucks up i want him to fuck up and it be down to his own fault-not be able to blame my parents or anyone else for his mistakes

when LO was born everyone put their differences to one side and bit their tongues and just left me to get on with it with fob and baby so don't worry xx

 

[Jinty]

Your parents are only doing what they THINK is best. End of the dad it is yours and his baby. Not your parents and yes they may be supporting you but that doesn't give them the right to do what they are expecting from you. They are basically emotionally blackmailing you to do what they want. Sounds like FOB is really trying to turn his life around and you LO will be very lucky that even though your not together he still wants to be a part of LO's life.

You need to let your parents know that you appreciate the support and you know they are only looking out for you but he is still the father of your baby. No matter how much they try to drive him away they can't change that...

Good luck to you. Really sucks for you but hope it gets better.

Keep us updated x

 

[judge12]

The only advise I can offer is you hun is to do what YOU want and not anybody else. your 20, your old and wise enough to make your own decisions sweety xxxx

Thank you

And in the end I will do what I want, I just don't want to fall out with my parents over all this, its so sad that it feels like I have to choose between the support of my parents and the father of my baby seeing his child

Do you really blame your parents? they have been there for you every single step of the way and now your willing to throw that all in their face by maybe getting back with him into an relationship? There is one thing letting him see the child but another going back in an relationship.

He sounded controlling, he got into debt and he took money off your own parents which he did not pay back. He also stopped contact with you after 20 weeks of pregnancy.

Can you blame your parents? they are supporting you and obviously this man was not treating you right.

Yes give him a chance to step up and know his child, he needs to prove you and your parents wrong but don't cut all ties with your family as at end of the day they are the ones who have been there for you and you may just regret it when your family do walk away from you.

 

[janinio87uk]

TBH you need to do what is right for you and your child.
My folks have never really liked my ex from the get go but regardless of that it didnt sway my decision or my feelings for him then or now.
If my parents told me that my ex could not see his own son I would tell them where to go! Who are they to make that decision for you? I know circumstances are different for everyone but you are the parent not them.
Hope that helps xx

 

[Mammy2Joojx]

i can completely see it from your parents point of view & i'm sure if you was the parent & it was your little girl who was pregnant you'd do anything you would to protect your daughter & grandchild.

Saying that though, it's not their child, it's yours & FOB's so they don't have a right to say he can't see your daughter. As for the disown you comment, i think thats just a scare tactic don't think any decent parents would disown their child over that, they would be there to support them incase it ever did go wrong xxx