My son could have drowned

[lau86]

My boys have a swimming lesson on a Monday and my mum came along to help. The pool is cordoned off so half is for the lessons and half for members to swim. I decided to bring dd for a swim today so we all got changed and headed into the pool. My mum was just watching. I put my dd into her swim ring and got in myself. this was just about 4pm and the boys lesson is at 4. I looked at the clock and then looked back to tell the boys to go into their lesson. I saw ds1 sitting and my Mum with her back to him, I'm not sure what she was doing. Ds2 was not there so I looked towards the swim teacher to see f he was there, he wasn't. I shouted to my mum, where is he. Then I saw it in the pool, his little hat floating under the water and his arms paddling like mad, but not getting his head above the surface. I picked him up and he started crying. He seemed shaken but physically ok and carried on to his lesson. My mum was like 'I turned my back for a second'. I feel guilty as I didn't explicitly tell her she should be watching them (I guess I thought it was obvious). I just keep going over it, when would she have noticed? I'm not one to catastrophise but he could've died.
I got so lonely when dd was born as the only way I could focus on keeping them all safe was to do everything by myself, I never went out with other adults as I couldn't focus on them and the children. I was just working my way through it when this happens. I can't sleep now as he has been sweating (he hasn't got a temp) and that's not like him. I don't know what to do. I just can't accept help when it's going to go wrong like that. My mum has lost ds1 in a shop before and I think sometimes her judgement is a bit off. However she has them every Wednesday when I work and mostly has been fine (there was an incident when ds2 fell into her pond but only his feet went in)

 

[Mrs.H2016]

I can relate my father is the same way. He has dropped ds3 on his head twice. We have had to stop him from watching them as his judgement is off as well. I would be freaking just like you. I am sorry you had to go through that. Can. You get someone else to watch them while you work?

 

[lau86]

Yes I could absolutely but my mum would be devastated.

 

[Mrs.H2016]

I know that as my dad was but it's what is best for the children. That excuse isn't enough when something major happens.

 

[.Mrs.B.]

Watch him closely tonight, if anything is abnormal call 999. Kids can die from secondary drowning even if they've only been under seconds. Sorry to scare you and hope he's OK.

 

[SarahBear]

Violet had a seizure last month. Because she had recently had an apple and was turning blue, my husband thought she was choking. I was driving when he noticed it. I heard "choking," and saw my child turning blue and not properly conscious. I pulled over, tried to do the back slap and Heimlich maneuver. Before I realized she was having a seizure, I knew my actions weren't making a difference and thought she was dying. I know what it's like to think you're going to lose a child and it's terrifying. If I were you, I'd put the safety of my kids over the feelings of my mom. So, if this isn't an isolated incident caused by miscommunication, you might just have to hurt her feelings. Also, try not to be hard on yourself... It was an accident that can be learned from, no one was permanently hurt, and the shock will blow over.

 

[broodymrs]

Sorry this happened. Keep an eye on your son but he's most likely fine, probably just a bit shook up. Was your mum even apologetic? I think in your position I'd talk to her and say you don't want to hurt her feelings but there's been a few incidents that have happened and you're worrying if the kids are going to be safe when she watches them. Let her know if anything else happens then you'll have to change your childcare arrangements and that she needs to make sure they are being watched closely in potentially dangerous situations. Hopefully speaking to her will get her to change

 

[Twag]

Sorry this happened and I hope your boy is okay

I have these exact same fears and funnily enough reading your post just made me realise I will ONLY let my Mum & my sister look after my two because I trust them - I get panicked even when DH looks after them as I know he does not pay the same attention as I require and no way I will leave them with the in laws they are just not observant enough for me even when we are there and they are keep an eye on the children I know they are not actually paying enough attention not their fault they haven't looked after children for nearly 40 years and they are old but no way I can leave my babies with them
Now DS has started pre-school I feel panic everytime I drop him off (no reason for it at all I just feel uneasy)

I would have a word with your Mum easier said than done I know - sorry this has set you back

 

[icklemonster]

I am sorry this happened. I know how awful it can be to feel like you have let your child down and could have lost them. On Friday I was on our village green and DS and DD were running round together, and DS suddenly bolted for the road. I didn't realise he could run so fast at 16 months and I literally had to sprint after him, and grabbed him as he was about to put a foot off the pavement onto the road and there was a car coming! DD bless her was screaming ' Danger Danger' at him. I thought about it all evening. I would hate for people to think I was somehow an incapable Mother because I had misjudged the situation. Lesson learnt, and I'm getting the kid some reigns (never even a consideration for cautious DD, but clearly needed for DS's own safety as he hates being in his pushchair).

I must say I have to disagree with some of the comments about your Mum. Obviously you know her and the situation better than anyone, but given you were also with her, your Mum may have thought you were keeping an eye on the children too, so she may not have been as attentive as if alone, especially if you didn't tell her to keep any eye on them. You haven't gone into much detail about the shop incident or falling into a pond feet first, so difficult to comment if these could happen to the best of us (i.e. if a child run off and jumped in pond while she was trying to chase after them, would be different to if they escaped from house and nobody noticed for 10 minutes, or if the child run off through the shop aisles while you were trying to manoeuvre a pushchair with another child through crowds is different to realising you've left a child behind a few minutes back). I guess I would be asking could that situation occur with me and/or DH.

I hope you're feeling better about the incident today, and your DS is OK today xx

 

[Quartz]

I think it's unfair to blame your mum, these things though awful happen to the best of us.

The first thing is you definitely need to tag in who should be looking after whom. You say it's obvious but perhaps she thought she was there to make up the numbers health and safety wise and help dress and undress not specifically watch someone.

Second even the most attentive on the ball parents slip (and I imagine everyone by the time their children reach adulthood have a moment) but for most it gets relegated to a memory

Are you generally anxious as it comes across as such and that you are concerned with keeping them safe

 

[lau86]

I know some of the other posts have suggested it's her fault but I'm not sure it was. She was fully clothed and I was in the water so that's why I thought she was watching. I haven't mentioned it to her and probably won't. I guess you could say I have anxiety around keeping them safe but that's because there are three of them, 2 like to walk/ walk off and my oldest is only just getting to the stage I can trust him. I need eyes in the back of my head. Other than the park, I go nowhere by myself without wondering when someone is going to get bored and do something stupid. Maybe they are badly disciplined, I'm over anxious or it's normal but that's the situation.

 

[zorak]

I think it's unfair to blame your mum, these things though awful happen to the best of us.

The first thing is you definitely need to tag in who should be looking after whom. You say it's obvious but perhaps she thought she was there to make up the numbers health and safety wise and help dress and undress not specifically watch someone.

Second even the most attentive on the ball parents slip (and I imagine everyone by the time their children reach adulthood have a moment) but for most it gets relegated to a memory

Are you generally anxious as it comes across as such and that you are concerned with keeping them safe

I agree with all of this. The other question I'd want answered was why not one life guard saw a child enter the pool alone or that they were under the water.

 

[SarahBear]

I know some of the other posts have suggested it's her fault but I'm not sure it was. She was fully clothed and I was in the water so that's why I thought she was watching. I haven't mentioned it to her and probably won't. I guess you could say I have anxiety around keeping them safe but that's because there are three of them, 2 like to walk/ walk off and my oldest is only just getting to the stage I can trust him. I need eyes in the back of my head. Other than the park, I go nowhere by myself without wondering when someone is going to get bored and do something stupid. Maybe they are badly disciplined, I'm over anxious or it's normal but that's the situation.

I wouldn't try to pass blame. I'd just try to be more explicit about who's expected to be paying attention. For example, I was at a hotel pool with my kids today. My husband forgot his bathing suit, so he did not go in. At one point, I had Violet sit on the steps so I could give Leo a turn being held in the pool. I specifically asked Owen to stay near Violet in case she slipped or something, instead of simply assuming he would take charge. Or in other general situations, I might give a brief explanation and then say "you're in charge." Or I might ask for some sort of confirmation before I trust that he's paying full attention. Same when others are involved.