My son's 4th birthday party. Am I being mean?!

[Sarah Lou 80]

After a lot of deliberating, we decided to ditch our original plan of doing a party at soft play and doing a small party for 4 of his friends from preschool at our house. I'm thinking of doing a make your own pizza party and a doing a couple of party games.

The soft play thing would have been 5 of his cousins (2 of whom are a similar age) and a few preschool friends. It would have cost a fortune so we decided against that idea. I had mentioned it to my sister but only as a possibility.

The last 3 birthdays we have had family and his cousins round for party food at ours and it always gets manic and it's hard to entertain them all as they are all different ages so party games never work and they end up just running riot round the house.

I told my mum this was our new plan and she asked if I was inviting my sisters youngest as well. I said no as then I would have to invite all the cousins on each side of the family and it gets to the point of being exactly what I wanted to avoid. She said oh, well maybe she can do them a little tea party together at her house. I said that's fine although not sure when as they both go to preschool but if she wants to try and organise it, then fine. But I got the impression she thought I was being a bit mean not inviting his cousin. It's true, they do love each other but they also fight a lot and I thought it would be nice for him to just do stuff with his friends. He obviously would like it if she was there but at the same time, he is happy with his planned party and I asked him who he wanted to come and he told me.

Am I being a Scrooge about this?! I have told my sis and she said yeah no probs but I also felt a bit like she was miffed as well?! I could be being paranoid!

Sorry for the long post!

Edit to add: if it was a summer birthday and we could all get outside, I'd be happier inviting more people I think.

 

[Pearls18]

Honestly if it was me I would invite my niece/nephew, we're not lucky enough to see our siblings often as we don't live near each other and this is the kind of thing I'm sad to miss out on. But I only have one niece so I appreciate it wouldn't have the ramifications yours would, but as they were originally invited I can see why others may feel disappointed by the change. I guess you can only put yourself in her shoes and decide if you would be put out if it was your son not invited, if you wouldn't then I wouldn't worry.

 

[whatwillbex]

No not at all you do whats best for you and your family. I'm in the same situation coming from a large family with cousins of all ages. It's hard work and it's a mad house when they are all in the same space. We have never had a party which has involved inviting children from out of the family circle Because I know I would have prob had the same response. Instead we have always taken DD away on her birthday or on a day trip haha so much easier. We are saving parties for when she hits school age. I wouldn't worry it's tough having a winter birthday due to weather etc and you can't please everyone x

 

[Scout]

Your son is now at an age where he has his own friends, and it makes sense that he'd want them at his party. So no, I don't think you're being mean. I wouldn't feel obligated to do something just bc I had always done it. Things change and I'm sure people understand that.

 

[george83]

When my son turned 5 we did his first birthday party just for his friends, my ds is extremely close to his cousins - he totally loves them - but this party was just for his friends so it was left at that. we did have people over to ours for a small birthday tea on his actual birthday so I don't know if that stopped people being offended

 

[MindUtopia]

I think that's totally fine. At this age, it gets really hard to have birthday parties at home and invite everyone. When they were babies, it was different, because there wasn't so much chaos or mess. But I would absolutely do what you're doing if I was in that situation. I've found that's pretty much the norm. Certainly among my daughter's friends, many of them have done small parties and not invited everyone this year. Last year, she didn't even get invited to one good friend's birthday (the parents are also good friends of ours) because they literally had to limit it to 3 kids to do a tea party at home and that just wasn't us. We went to another friends 4th birthday a few weeks ago and his siblings were there, but no family, just preschool friends. I think let your mum organise something as a family party. That sounds lovely. But keep it small and fun and stress-free. We are inviting everyone this year (it's the first time though), but only because we're hiring a hall. Previous years we did exactly what you did and kept the numbers small. It's not a wedding so I think people understand that you can't invite everyone and at this age, it starts to be less about the parents and more about the kids, so I'd just invite his closest friends and keep it small and low-key.

 

[c1403]

I have two nieces 9 and 5. On my daughters last birthday we hired a hall and invited her friends, also invited her two cousins too. The eldest complained she was bored and the youngest didn't get involved as she only knew my daughter. My daughter has never been invited to her cousins parties. So next year I'm thinking just school friends and that's it.

I done the whole family think when they were younger just to make a fuss now they have their own friends I don't see the point.

Maybe a little play date around your mums will be nice as well. I often do that with my parents and nan so they get to celebrate too. Just cake and presents.

PS my girls birthdays are two days apart so often do joint parties

 

[SarahBear]

I think little kids enjoy their parties more if it's kept small. I think inviting preschool friends only and then having a separate cousin party sounds perfect.

 

[shanny]

All sounds fine to me. He will have a really nice party.
Peopel have said I'm mean as mine only get a friends party every three years and we do family days in the other years. THis suits us.

Its hard to please evryone, I am sure youe sister will have same issue along the way.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I disagree. I think it's pretty mean not to invite family. If my family was closer I would want them to invite me as well as them to be invited to my parties.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I say this respectfully but, like you said the party is for your son. When you think about the work that goes into the party or how much you are going to have to clean up after the kids you are thinking about yourself. I thought I would put that into perspective.

 

[Zephram]

Personally I would invite the cousins. Birthday parties are a lot of work whether there are 3 kids or 10. I wouldn't worry about younger ones not wanting to play games, etc, I'd just let the kids do what they want and join in with what they want. Kids tend to get excited and run riot at a party no matter what. I do think it is a wee bit mean to not have them! The real question is would your LO enjoy having his cousins over? If yes, then they should be there.

 

[Natasha2605]

I say this respectfully but, like you said the party is for your son. When you think about the work that goes into the party or how much you are going to have to clean up after the kids you are thinking about yourself. I thought I would put that into perspective.

The party is totally about her son. Who hasn't asked for his cousin to be invited

I don't see the big deal personally. Different if your LO specifically asked for cousin to be there and you said no, then I'd think that was mean but that's not the cAse At all.

 

[Kiwiberry]

I say this respectfully but, like you said the party is for your son. When you think about the work that goes into the party or how much you are going to have to clean up after the kids you are thinking about yourself. I thought I would put that into perspective.

The party is totally about her son. Who hasn't asked for his cousin to be invited

I don't see the big deal personally. Different if your LO specifically asked for cousin to be there and you said no, then I'd think that was mean but that's not the cAse At all.

It doesn't matter whether he asked or not, it's just rude not to invite family (except if there is problems). She already said he loves his cousins and would have a good time. Put yourself in her sister's shoes. How would you feel if your niece or nephew was having a birthday party and your kid wasn't invited but all of his friends were? Weather in denial about it or not it wouldn't feel very nice. Especially if you were the kid who didn't get invited to the birthday party.

 

[SarahBear]

I say this respectfully but, like you said the party is for your son. When you think about the work that goes into the party or how much you are going to have to clean up after the kids you are thinking about yourself. I thought I would put that into perspective.

The party is totally about her son. Who hasn't asked for his cousin to be invited

I don't see the big deal personally. Different if your LO specifically asked for cousin to be there and you said no, then I'd think that was mean but that's not the cAse At all.

It doesn't matter whether he asked or not, it's just rude not to invite family (except if there is problems). She already said he loves his cousins and would have a good time. Put yourself in her sister's shoes. How would you feel if your niece or nephew was having a birthday party and your kid wasn't invited but all of his friends were? Weather in denial about it or not it wouldn't feel very nice. Especially if you were the kid who didn't get invited to the birthday party.

If I were in her sister's shoes, I'd realize that big parties aren't in a kid's best interest and suggest we get together at a later date and I'd make cupcakes. It's about the kids, not the sister.

 

[Kiwiberry]

That's right it's about the kids not the mother. The only reason she gave for not inviting the other kids was because she didn't want to have to deal with a mess afterwards or the kids running around the house. I don't see how that has anything to do with her child. She can mention that her child chose his friends all she wants but clearly children are not capable of understanding a question like that like an adult would. Nor do they understand how it makes other children feel when they don't invite them to their birthday parties. So in my humble opinion I hardly consider that a valid excuse for not inviting the family members to the party. Also from the sound of her post it sounds like she didn't even give him the option for both his friends and his cousins to come, just one of the other.

 

[AngelUK]

I think if I lived in the same country and my brother had a party for his kids and their friends and mine were not invited even though they are super close, I would be hurt. And just cause the kids didn't ask for their cousins doesn't mean they didn't expect them to automatically be included anyway.
However, there is no way I would do this party in my place. No way! I know softplays and similar are expensive but to me, if I had to have a party, that expense would be worth not having a huge mess at my place.

 

[LoraLoo]

It's only for a couple of hours, to avoid upset I would have invited the cousins.

 

[Sarah Lou 80]

My house isn't big enough to have all his cousins and his friends. That would be 21+ people. Wouldn't be feasible! He will be seeing his cousins separately during his birthday week as I'm sure they will pop round with cards and presents. Also my mum might throw a tea party for his cousins on my side.

With regards to the soft play. I totally would do it if we could afford it but it's completely outof the question unfortunately. Otherwise, it would be friends, family the lot!

I'd like to say that I'm not being selfish. Its not about the mess afterwards that I have to clear up. It's totally about my son however, I don't think it is unreasonable for me to not want to be stressed about it all! We have done family parties for all his previous birthdays. I was thinking it would be another year before we did just friends parties as I know when I was at school, we usually just did a tea party with friends (although I have got rather a lot of cousins myself so that probably wouldn't have been an option anyway) however, he's made some good friends at pre school and I feel he won't know he is missing out as he will see his cousins at other times that week. Also, I have asked him several times who would he like to come to his party. This has been since a while before Christmas and he has given me the same list of his friends each time.

My sisters little girls birthday was in September and she didn't do anything other than had birthday cake with her brother and sister after tea on her birthday. However, the previous years she did a family party. I also only said to my sister that the soft play was just an idea and not set in stone. She seems fine with it all.

I did ask for opinions and I appreciate everyone's replies, so thank you. I just wanted to clarify that I don't think I'm being selfish!

Id also like to correct a previous poster. I didn't say anything about worrying about cleaning up mess! There is going to be mess to clean up after 4 or 5 4 year olds! I'm not deluded! And yes, he loves his cousins but I also said they fight a lot too. Just straightening those comments out a bit!

 

[AngelUK]

I don't think you are being selfish either, but I would still be hurt. Maybe you could do one party for family and one for friends? That way no one could be offended and you would not have to have the heaving masses of ppl in your house? That would be a lot of work though, I know!

ETA I don't think your mum doing a tea party for the family is quite the same as you doing one.