aryasarwen
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I just need to let this out....I found out I was officially pregnant the 1st of June 2015 after having blood drawn and an ultrasound. The ultrasound confirmed fetal viability. I had taken several pregnancy test about a week before but I was just in complete shock to believe I was pregnant. I didn't have many pregnancy symptoms just really painful boobs. I had been told by multiple doctors that because of my PCOS I would not be able to have children so although hard I had somewhat come to terms with this. I weighed about 270 pounds when I discovered I was pregnant and I was instantly very worried. I was worried because I was not at all healthy. I worried because my husband and I were not in a very good place financially. We had no savings. I had just started working. He was just going back to school. We were living with my parents. We had just moved back 3 months before from Germany after my husband got kicked out of the military for not passing his last PT test (which he only missed the running portion by seconds, but that's another story). Anyways after I told my close family of the news and we had that little ultrasound picture framed, I became hopeful. My husband and I started to make plans. We started to work out how things were going to go more smoothly. We even started looking up baby names and looking for a home. I started eating healthy and exercising, really taking care of myself. I dropped 10 pounds just from the eating better. A couple of weeks after learning I was officially pregnant, I got a pain in my upper back and upper stomach. It was so painful, the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I vomited multiple times. I couldn't stand to lay down. The pain would not go away but I tried to just bear through it. Hours passed and I couldn't take it anymore. My parents took me to the ER. In the ER it took forever to be seen. The pain had actually somewhat gotten better by the time I was seen. Other than drawing my blood and giving me some zofran they couldn't really tell me what I had. The doctor told me to follow up with my OB because I had extremely elevated liver enzymes. So I waited until Monday to make an appointment. I told the nurse what had happened and she said she would get back with me to see when they could get me an appointment. Later that day one of the midwives from the practice called me and scheduled an appointment with one of the OBs. But one thing that she said really caught me off guard. She wanted me to get a repeat ultrasound because the ultrasound I had previously gotten had only seen minimal cardiac activity. My heart sank. I had been told the baby had a heart beat at the last appointment and that he was viable not that he only had minimal cardiac activity. At the appointment the OB got some more blood and the enzymes had actually gone down. He said my symptoms sounded like I might have some gallstones. So he sent me for some more tests. I had the ultrasound appointment the same day so my mom, my husband, my niece, and I waited around until that appointment. I was hoping for the best. I was praying for the best. I was scared but I wanted to seem strong in front of my family. We all went in. The tech did her thing. We saw the baby he was bigger than the last ultrasound. Then the tech said she was going to get the neonatologist to talk to us. I knew something was not right but I tried to talk to myself out of it and say "well maybe they do this for all the moms". The doctor came in and gave us the news. No heart beat. The baby had stopped growing at about 7 weeks. (This was week 8) She said other things but I was not really listening. All I caught was "we don't know why this happened", "you should talk to our infertility specialists because of your PCOS...maybe they can help you so your body can have a good pregnancy", "you will need to get a D&C because the baby is too big to pass on his own", blah blah blah blah....We went home after that. My husband told his family. My mom told mine. The OB called me later that day. He was so nice and empathetic, saying something similar had happened to him and his wife. He gave me options not just a D&C. I opted to wait for a natural miscarriage. The wait was not too bad. I knew that I didn't want a D&C. I couldn't bear the thought of my baby being torn apart from my womb possibly even my baby torn into pieces. I waited until my body was ready and he was ready to pass. I ordered the cutest little casket from this one website. They provided such helpful tips on what to do once the baby passed. The casket included a clear bottle and a little decorated sack to place it in. I did some memorial pictures while I still had baby in me. I wanted to have pictures in which I could remember this pregnancy by. The photographer did such an amazing job. One of the pictures had me holding an empty nest with little angel wings. It was so beautiful. I started to spot brown discharge on 28 June. Around late evening on 29 June I started to have severe cramps and to spot bright red blood. The cramping and bleeding progressed until I went to the bathroom and felt something pass. I sat on the toilet very afraid to get up and see what had passed. I was very afraid that all I would have would be little unrecognizable pieces. I had to talk to myself reminding me that I was strong. I had to do this. I owed it to my baby. If I that was his mother couldn't hold him in whatever state he was in who would. Baby passed on the 30th of June at 0400. There he was in his little sac perfectly intact along with his placenta at the bottom of my toilet surrounded by a bloody mess of clots. Although this experience has been very painful both physically and emotionally I am happy that he came out in one piece. I fished him out and held him in my hand. I cried and cried. God had at least granted me the privilege to hold and admire him. He was a long little thing. You could see the little features like the arm bulbs and head and the tail that would become his legs through the sac. I took some pictures so that I could remember. I put him/sac and his placenta in the bottle along with some water so I could admire him some more. Then I cleaned up the bloody mess I had made all over the toilet/bathroom and cleaned myself up. I woke up my husband and let him know little one had passed. I asked him if he wanted to see him but I knew he would say no. (Later on he was okay with just seeing a picture.) He asked if I was alright and if he could get me anything. We made plans to talk to the funeral home later that day. $600 later we have a spot for him in the babyland section of the city's cemetary. I wish we had our own home or land so we could bury him there under a beautiful tree but unfortunately we don't, so we went with second best. His little funeral will be this Friday at 1000. I am still bleeding not heavy so I know I'm at least not hemorrhaging (thank God). I am hoping it stops soon and everything came out. Going over all that has happened I am grateful that I was living with my parents. My mom has been so understanding, she lost a little one too. She has taken such good care of me during this time. I love her so much. She was so happy that I was going to have someone to keep me company. She said that made her and my dad feel better about leaving me after she passed away. So when we found out little one had passed away she was devistated..... One of the comments that I will never forget came from one of my own brothers. Some background: my brothers think my husband is stupid for not sticking with the military and for not going to school before hand and for other reasons that I can't quite understand. When my middle brother first found out I was pregnant he said my baby was going to come out being stupid like his father (aka my husband). This really hurt me. How dare him talk about my unborn child like that. Poor little thing was not even born yet and already he was being called names. The morning after I found out about my miscarriage I was so depressed and I remembered what my brother said. I told my mom my poor little baby probably heard he was being called stupid and decided he didn't want to be born. We both cried..... I don't know why but I somehow always knew in the bottom of my heart that this was not going to turn out well. I can't quite explain it. I just knew as soon as I was happy and hopeful something was going to happen....Something very strange happened a couple of days after we had framed my little ultrasound picture (I had decorated it in baby stickers and a cute little background) the picture frame fell to the ground. Everything completely fell apart, like it had been deliberately torn. I heard it fall. I put it all back together but for some reason I had a tiny thought about it being an omen.... I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant but for me it was impossible not to let anyone know. In conversations I had with my mother-in-law I think she thinks I did not want this baby. She said I didn't sound excited/happy well I was worried almost the whole time and it was just so early in my pregnancy for me to feel like everything was going to be okay. My husband let his family know I had a miscarriage right after we found out. His dad texted him saying we were in his prayers. His brother texted he was sorry. His mother called him and said she was sorry and shes called and messaged him a couple more times. His grandparents said they were sorry. My problem is they all told HIM this not to me. They have my phone number. I am friends with them on Facebook. His brother passed right by our town on his way back to California without even calling us or making a stop. They have all messaged me and called me before. When my mother-in-law calls she doesn't even ask if I am around. My husband says I just want pity from everyone. I told him if I wanted pity from everyone I would have posted about it on Facebook. Am I wrong to at least want them to call and say are you okay, can I do anything for you? I feel like they don't really care about me. We invited my mother-in-law to the funeral but she said she had things to do. Sigh. I just feel horrible about this. I guess you really find out who loves you at times like these....My husband says he feels distant from me ever since the miscarriage. He doesn't want to talk to me about how he feels but he's always been that way about sharing his feelings. I know people grieve differently. I am trying to be understanding with him. I have a feeling that he will leave me if this happens again. He's said he doesn't know if he can handle something like this again. I told him there was a big possibility that I could not have children on our very first date (weird conversation I know but I just wanted to get that out there instead of wasting my time like in other possible relationships). He seemed okay with it. Before we got married I told him again. He said it was okay he loved me anyways. But now I don't know. He wants his own blood children and I don't know if I can give him that. He says it's not my fault. But I sure feel like it's my fault. Sigh.... Well that is my story. It's amazing how your life can change so much in such little time. And how things can be given to you then taken away so quickly. To my baby: Goodnight my little one. Mommy will always love you.
A loss is so hard. I hope you and your husband find your way again. My husband was amazing after my loss, but he said one or two insensitive things that caused HUGE fights. After my loss, we went on later to get pregnant again and ended up having a healthy daughter. After she was born, DH told me that if I had miscarried her too that he was going to stop TTC because he couldn't deal with another loss or watching me go through it again. It's tough for them too.
