Hello,
Needed to get this off my chest,
Learning you are expecting a baby should be one of the most joyous experiences of your life but when that baby dies my greatest joy became my biggest sorrow.
I have had two pregnancies, 2 Scans 1 for a baby I never let myself get attached to, 17 years old, 7 weeks pregnant and scared. This baby had a healthy heartbeat. I had an abortion as I thought it was the best decision. I have regretted that decision ever since.
The second time I was newly married and 17.5 weeks pregnant and the sonographer couldnt find a heartbeat.
Ever since my miscarriage, I stare out my window at the trees and their leaves, which dance in the wind as if theyll reveal some truth to me. Why did my baby have to die? Where do I go from here? Whats going to happen to my marriage? Should we even consider trying to have a baby again, what it I cannot conceive again or if it all goes wrong again?
After seventeen weeks of pregnancy in June 2009, I had a miscarriage and life hasnt been the same since. I am distracted. But wherever I go, the emptiness in my stomach where my babies once lived comes with me. I have never felt so alone; its like the whole world is set on fast forward and Im in slow motion with no hope of catching up.
From the moment the nurse said youre pregnant, I was all roses and lollipops. A miracle, I thought. We were going to have a beautiful baby of our own. It was our turn.
For the whole week of our honeymoon the bleeding was there.
At first, the blood seemed to be light and harmless, and the doctor helped me pass off the backaches and light cramping as common troubles. Still, I worried and cried and went back and forth to the doctor. So I went to Casualty.
The bleeding became continuous, our little boy was still inside me, but even though there was no heartbeat as soon as I saw the scan, I was in love.
Every morning when I woke up, I spoke to my baby. I told him about our family, and his dad, my husband. I told baby what wed be doing that day, and how much I already adored him. I told him I knew he wasnt strong enough and hadnt made it. I told him I was sad and Id never forget him. I told him Id love him forever no matter what. Im keeping to my promise. At this point I didnt even know he was a little boy.
I relied on Jim and my mum for help with cooking and cleaning. Keeping my feet up and resting abit would surely help? I usually felt weak, as though I couldnt keep my head up. Those were my bobble-head moments, in which I never fainted but I sure felt like that was what was coming.
But that day was different. The ultrasound technician would not say a word to me. There was no heartbeat. I knew. My baby was gone. I sobbed uncontrollably as I waited for the doctor.
When you lose your precious baby a baby you dreamed of holding in your arms and being your family you lose yourself, too. It doesnt matter what the reason, although they say that having a reason helps people cope. You just want that baby the dream of that baby and the life you envisioned with him back. You cant believe that in an instant everything you longed for is wiped out.
Things would only get worse. Even though I scheduled a Dilation and Curettage (D and C), a minor surgery to clean out my system, my doctor was not available to do it for a few days. She warned me that I had started miscarrying naturally and needed to rest to stop the painful cramping. The night before my scheduled surgery, the cramps began. This was nothing like a bad period. It felt as though someone was cutting up my insides. Then, I felt as though I had to push. When I did, thick, hard clots of blood the size of golf balls would come out.
With every flush of the toilet, I felt as though I was flushing our poor, poor baby. I know thats not really the case. But I still felt guilty, as though I was betraying our babys honour. Clots were still coming in the morning. I had my surgery, and the bleeding came almost to a standstill for the first time since this nightmare began. Physically, I started to feel better but for a few leftover cramps. Emotionally, I dont think Ill ever be the same. The doctor says we can try again, and Im sure we will. But Im terrified now. I dont think well have the same joy at a positive pregnancy test should we get one. Pregnancy now seems like emotional hell spent waiting for something to go wrong, living in constant fear.
People will tell you miscarry that yours wasnt a real baby. But for me - He was mine, he had arms and legs, he was a baby, a very small baby, He was perfectly formed with fingers and toes eyes ears nose and mouth. Just precious. I held him for a second in the palm of my hand. I loved him more than I could ever imagine loving anyone.
Some people will say that youre this upset only because this event has magnified other problems in your life. While theres some truth to that, your heart aches for a baby. You will never forget even if it gets easier as time pass baby. Your baby is gone. And youll wonder what he would have been like and youll remember the date when you lost him and the month he should have been born. You wonder how youll pass those days without him.
Worthless and failure are two words that I never thought Id use to describe myself, but Im starting to think less of myself than ever before. Besides being unable to carry a baby to term or provide my husband with a child or my parents with a grandchild, I feel ugly on the inside and out.
Anything else thats lacking, such as career success, is more palpable than ever. Most of all, I feel like a witch for feeling jealous of all the people in my life who are pregnant or enjoying their new babies. While Im happy for them, I feel queasy to see them and I must excuse myself to cry sometimes. I dont want to be this person. I want to escape my own emotions, but they keep coming for me. I love babies, after all. I always have.
Still, I hold other peoples babies every so often, and I wonder what my baby would have been like. Feedings, baths, and nappy changes flash before me. Some days would have been tears and screams, while others would have been smiles and rainbows. My husband would have games with him and forced him to be a star wars fan.
He would have been a little bit me and a little bit my husband. We would have argued about curfews, sent him to school, cried when his heart broke, and celebrated when he achieved greatness, which was of course his destiny. He would sit next to us, as a grown up, at the table. Wed talk about our day. And he would have made our family complete. Someday, this all still might happen. At the moment, it feels as though it wont. Maybe it wont.
We simply dont know what the future will bring. For now, our family is the two of us, and that is just going to have to be good enough, but for me it isnt. Surely, life will get better.
I was just so devastated. I had never felt so low in my life. I just felt like my heart was ripped out of me. I couldnt believe that I was so happy and had got married less than 3 weeks before. Happier than I had ever been in my life and then Im at the other end of the spectrum. I really didnt understand why it had to happen to me.
The next day I just didnt do anything. I couldnt eat much or even smile. He tried his best to be there for me, but I could do anything. How I cried.
I knew it would take time for my body to settle back down to the way it used to be but never expected the yearning for a child to be sooo strong. I was so ready to be a mum. The pain I felt will never go away it was the worse pain had ever emotionally gone through. The baby I lost, will never be forgotten.
This is the worse pain that anyone can feel and I know this will stay with me forever.
It's been an emotional rollercoaster.
I am dreading the same happening again. Everyone around me is having trouble free pregnancies, but I failed to grow my baby properly. It's stupid but I do feel responsible.
I'm hoping it will start to get easier sometime, I don't know how or when but just take each day at a time and not a minute passes where I don't think of my little baby boy asleep.
Now my period is 2 weeks late, and Im still getting BFN!
Sorry for the rant,
Emma
Needed to get this off my chest,
Learning you are expecting a baby should be one of the most joyous experiences of your life but when that baby dies my greatest joy became my biggest sorrow.
I have had two pregnancies, 2 Scans 1 for a baby I never let myself get attached to, 17 years old, 7 weeks pregnant and scared. This baby had a healthy heartbeat. I had an abortion as I thought it was the best decision. I have regretted that decision ever since.
The second time I was newly married and 17.5 weeks pregnant and the sonographer couldnt find a heartbeat.
Ever since my miscarriage, I stare out my window at the trees and their leaves, which dance in the wind as if theyll reveal some truth to me. Why did my baby have to die? Where do I go from here? Whats going to happen to my marriage? Should we even consider trying to have a baby again, what it I cannot conceive again or if it all goes wrong again?
After seventeen weeks of pregnancy in June 2009, I had a miscarriage and life hasnt been the same since. I am distracted. But wherever I go, the emptiness in my stomach where my babies once lived comes with me. I have never felt so alone; its like the whole world is set on fast forward and Im in slow motion with no hope of catching up.
From the moment the nurse said youre pregnant, I was all roses and lollipops. A miracle, I thought. We were going to have a beautiful baby of our own. It was our turn.
For the whole week of our honeymoon the bleeding was there.
At first, the blood seemed to be light and harmless, and the doctor helped me pass off the backaches and light cramping as common troubles. Still, I worried and cried and went back and forth to the doctor. So I went to Casualty.
The bleeding became continuous, our little boy was still inside me, but even though there was no heartbeat as soon as I saw the scan, I was in love.
Every morning when I woke up, I spoke to my baby. I told him about our family, and his dad, my husband. I told baby what wed be doing that day, and how much I already adored him. I told him I knew he wasnt strong enough and hadnt made it. I told him I was sad and Id never forget him. I told him Id love him forever no matter what. Im keeping to my promise. At this point I didnt even know he was a little boy.
I relied on Jim and my mum for help with cooking and cleaning. Keeping my feet up and resting abit would surely help? I usually felt weak, as though I couldnt keep my head up. Those were my bobble-head moments, in which I never fainted but I sure felt like that was what was coming.
But that day was different. The ultrasound technician would not say a word to me. There was no heartbeat. I knew. My baby was gone. I sobbed uncontrollably as I waited for the doctor.
When you lose your precious baby a baby you dreamed of holding in your arms and being your family you lose yourself, too. It doesnt matter what the reason, although they say that having a reason helps people cope. You just want that baby the dream of that baby and the life you envisioned with him back. You cant believe that in an instant everything you longed for is wiped out.
Things would only get worse. Even though I scheduled a Dilation and Curettage (D and C), a minor surgery to clean out my system, my doctor was not available to do it for a few days. She warned me that I had started miscarrying naturally and needed to rest to stop the painful cramping. The night before my scheduled surgery, the cramps began. This was nothing like a bad period. It felt as though someone was cutting up my insides. Then, I felt as though I had to push. When I did, thick, hard clots of blood the size of golf balls would come out.
With every flush of the toilet, I felt as though I was flushing our poor, poor baby. I know thats not really the case. But I still felt guilty, as though I was betraying our babys honour. Clots were still coming in the morning. I had my surgery, and the bleeding came almost to a standstill for the first time since this nightmare began. Physically, I started to feel better but for a few leftover cramps. Emotionally, I dont think Ill ever be the same. The doctor says we can try again, and Im sure we will. But Im terrified now. I dont think well have the same joy at a positive pregnancy test should we get one. Pregnancy now seems like emotional hell spent waiting for something to go wrong, living in constant fear.
People will tell you miscarry that yours wasnt a real baby. But for me - He was mine, he had arms and legs, he was a baby, a very small baby, He was perfectly formed with fingers and toes eyes ears nose and mouth. Just precious. I held him for a second in the palm of my hand. I loved him more than I could ever imagine loving anyone.
Some people will say that youre this upset only because this event has magnified other problems in your life. While theres some truth to that, your heart aches for a baby. You will never forget even if it gets easier as time pass baby. Your baby is gone. And youll wonder what he would have been like and youll remember the date when you lost him and the month he should have been born. You wonder how youll pass those days without him.
Worthless and failure are two words that I never thought Id use to describe myself, but Im starting to think less of myself than ever before. Besides being unable to carry a baby to term or provide my husband with a child or my parents with a grandchild, I feel ugly on the inside and out.
Anything else thats lacking, such as career success, is more palpable than ever. Most of all, I feel like a witch for feeling jealous of all the people in my life who are pregnant or enjoying their new babies. While Im happy for them, I feel queasy to see them and I must excuse myself to cry sometimes. I dont want to be this person. I want to escape my own emotions, but they keep coming for me. I love babies, after all. I always have.
Still, I hold other peoples babies every so often, and I wonder what my baby would have been like. Feedings, baths, and nappy changes flash before me. Some days would have been tears and screams, while others would have been smiles and rainbows. My husband would have games with him and forced him to be a star wars fan.
He would have been a little bit me and a little bit my husband. We would have argued about curfews, sent him to school, cried when his heart broke, and celebrated when he achieved greatness, which was of course his destiny. He would sit next to us, as a grown up, at the table. Wed talk about our day. And he would have made our family complete. Someday, this all still might happen. At the moment, it feels as though it wont. Maybe it wont.
We simply dont know what the future will bring. For now, our family is the two of us, and that is just going to have to be good enough, but for me it isnt. Surely, life will get better.
I was just so devastated. I had never felt so low in my life. I just felt like my heart was ripped out of me. I couldnt believe that I was so happy and had got married less than 3 weeks before. Happier than I had ever been in my life and then Im at the other end of the spectrum. I really didnt understand why it had to happen to me.
The next day I just didnt do anything. I couldnt eat much or even smile. He tried his best to be there for me, but I could do anything. How I cried.
I knew it would take time for my body to settle back down to the way it used to be but never expected the yearning for a child to be sooo strong. I was so ready to be a mum. The pain I felt will never go away it was the worse pain had ever emotionally gone through. The baby I lost, will never be forgotten.
This is the worse pain that anyone can feel and I know this will stay with me forever.
It's been an emotional rollercoaster.
I am dreading the same happening again. Everyone around me is having trouble free pregnancies, but I failed to grow my baby properly. It's stupid but I do feel responsible.
I'm hoping it will start to get easier sometime, I don't know how or when but just take each day at a time and not a minute passes where I don't think of my little baby boy asleep.
Now my period is 2 weeks late, and Im still getting BFN!
Sorry for the rant,
Emma
