my violent son

[madjay77]

hi i will start from the begining, my ex was an very violent possesive paranoid man, when i was pregnant he tried to drown me twice and was even violent in the hospital behind the nurses back, my son grew up with little imput from me as i was not allowed to tell him off or disipline him, he regulaly was beatin by his father an regulaly saw his dad beat me and other people. the violence was that extream that my son saw people hit with hammers and threatened with knives. he has spent most of his school time outside the heads office or excluded from school as they could not manage his aggression an his behavior. we left four years ago and i feel like i have bought apart of my ex with me, my son can be a wonderfull helpfull boy but the otherside of him is jelous possesive and violent. He hits walls doors windows his hands are scared badley already as well as his hands bein damaged he is damaging my house, he has put holes in my walls smashed holes through my doors kicked through two tvs, an recently more worrying is he has got a girl friend an his behavior to her is appauling, he hits her strangles her speaks to her disrepectfully, and even when his is being nice to her he is anoying her, he will tickle her an even though she says stop he will carry on then it leads to arguments and then violence, i liken him to a 6 month old puppy that wont stop humping your leg. i have tried to get him help but no one seems to take me seriously an as he wont talk to anyone they dont see the point of giving him counciling, he doesnt sleep properly as he has nightmares he goes to bed at about ten but is still lyin in his bed awake at 0ne-two oclock in the mornin, then hes a nightmare to get up for school. he is in a special PRU unit for kids that cant cope with main stream school, if he stays here he wont walk away with any gcses as they dont do them, they just study small sections out of the curiculum. the doctors wont medicate him as they say he is to young and most herbal pills i have tried just dont touch him, he wont eat properly, he just says he doesnt like food, he snacks once or twice a day on a bit of cereal or some chips, his dad was very paranoid about food and often thought that his food was poisoned. he doesnt shower wash or brush his teeth very often and its a major fight to get him to change his clothes i have to put his clothes out or he wears the same clothes over and over again, an dont get me started on his room, he grows his own furry pets in glasses on plates ect, his room comes with a goverment health warning, wipe your feet on the way out, i have tried reward charts an they just dont work, i have told professionals all this and they just patronize me say ohh didnt u have it bad, i dont want any of that i just want someone to help my son before its to late an he hurts someone and ends up arressted or ends up dead himself. he cuts his arms when he is upset and because he cuts the non vain side of his arms the professionals are worried about it, eh hello cutting yourself no matter where it is is not healthy or "normal", he is bein assesed for adhd but they say he hasnt got it but they are doin the tests just to say they have done them, i just feel so lost and at the end of my teather with him, i love him to peaces but he rules my life, no one will baby sit him due to his outburst and we rarely get invited out due to his outbursts, i dont know were to go or what to do next, i feel like its my fault and i should of left his dad earlier, we left when he was nine, he is now nearly 13 by the way. i just feel lost with no hope for the future, i dont want to give up on him and puthim in care like people keep telling me to do he is not naughty, he is disturbed or traumatised or something, i just dont know what i am supposed to do now, my head is hurting from banging it off the brick wall i get when i try to talk to him about his behavior of when i talk to anyone else about his behavior. i dont know if anyone can help but i just felt better getting it off my chestxx

 

[angelkatelyn]

hey hun take him to the doctor, TELL THEM (dont ask) you want your son to be referred for counselling, if he'll get funny dont tell him where your going just take him. that would be a good start IMO. it sounds stupid but if your 'soft' with him when his behaviours bad he'll walk all over you as thats what he knows. i no it'll be hard but stand up to him, not violently or it'll help justify it for him. shout at him if he hits you, tell him its not on etc, i no you might be scared but think to yourself, IM IN CONTROL!!! keep telling yourself that and hopefully it should work. good luck huni, all the best xx

 

[madjay77]

hi thanks for the reply, he isnt violent towards me he can be verbally abussive towards me, but i tell him i wont be spoken to like that and walk away, when he has calmed down i go back to him an try to talk to him, i do punish him when he has kicked off, when he smashes stuff up ect i take away his tv or his xbox, deny him money ect, i try not to be soft, an try to talk to him about how his behavior isnt acceptable, but he just looks at me or crys an says he wants to change, but he doesnt, i did tell them and they refered him to camhs for counciling, but when he met with her for an assesment he wouldnt talk to her, i did all the talking telling her what he was like, she then sent me a letter to say that as i have another child in the house she had phoned social services as she felt my little girl was in danger and that they would be gettin incontact with me regarding the saftey of my little girl and that as he wasnt co operative enought, he just gave one word answers or shrugged hos shoulder she would be waisting her time trying to council him so their was nothing she could do for us, i just dont know wot im supposed to do now, i am lost with how to help himxx

 

[milkmachine]

im sorry your going through all of this, have you told him the reality's of what care could mean? perhaps the threat of care will be enough to get him to talk to a councillor?

 

[angelkatelyn]

maybe if the social are involved they could get him leaflets, facts and tell him how bad it is? social will only try and help as iv had there involvement for a while, just point out to him how bad he felt wen his dad did it to him and how bad he makes people feel wen he does it to them? x

 

[Eve]

This might sound harsh here, and please don't think I am being mean in any way, but he isn't old enough to make his own choices medically, so if it is as bad as it sounds, admit him! 13 years old isn't to young for medications/therepy/psychiatrists etc... so push push push! Write your local MLA/political leader for help if need be. At his age you need to do something now before it's too late and he can make all of his own choices! My son can't be admitted until he is 9 and I tell you, if his behavior isn't better by then, I will have his bags packed weeks before! Sometimes tough love is what they need, and getting them the help one way or another is the best way to do it Sorry you are going through this, and he needs to talk to someone if he has suffered from abuse regardless if he wants to or not.

 

[angelkatelyn]

i agree with mum2J&Kx2. it might be the only way hun, he definitely needs to talk to someone xx