Nature v Nurture

[Meezerowner]

For those single parents with a not-so-nice ex....

Just wondering if anyone else worries about this or if it's just crazy ole me!

I suppose this is an emotive/controversial topic so no offense is intended - this is something that genuinely worries me.

Anyway, do you worry that you children will turn out the same or have the same negative traits?
The old saying "the apple never falls far from the tree" often pops into my head.... but this could be due to genetics or to upbringing.

My FOB has nothing to do with my children and I am *so* glad as I am sure he would only have a negative impact on their lives and would only teach them his own warped set of values etc etc.

Obviously I am going to try and teach them to be nice, loving, caring individuals with a moral code.... but sometimes I wonder how much of FOB's problems are inherent personality issues and whether they will be genetic.

Also I sometimes freak out that they might look like him. Like I don't want them to have his colour eyes etc. I know it would be way better to look like him than act like him though.

Of course 50% of their genes are from him and it can't all be bad. He was good at sport - so I hope they inherit that as I am like a slug most of the time

So on my optimistic days I think it's definately more to do with nurture.... but then that leads me to my second issue - FOB's parents.

At the moment I am having nothing to do with FOB's parents because of a lot of things that have gone on with FOB. But they are interested in having a relationship with their grandchildren.

I am ****so**** conflicted because part of me feels sorry for them as they are not responsible for his actions BUT they are responsible for making him the person that he is (i.e. arrogant and selfish). Also at the moment I'm not sure what sort of relationship they are having with him and I cannot envision letting them into the children's lifes if they are all playing happy families again.

Basically it's hard to explain without telling the whole story. But in a nutshell FOB did some pretty bad stuff that he is in trouble with the police for. So I feel that if they are all playing happy families his parents are condoning what he did.

Actually I might put up my whole story in a different post. Cos it's so hard asking for advice when people dont know the story. The story is loooong though and total crazy.

I dont want to be the bad guy keeping the grandparents away.... but they cause me so much stress because of what they represent. And I can't help thinking that they are partly responsible *even* though he was an adult.... they put him on a pedastal all his life and he treated them like dirt most of the time - they allowed his behaviour.

Oh dear I could go on and on.

 

[Dezireey]

I think its super difficult in this type of situation, I know exactly where you are coming from but thankfully FOB is / was fostered as a child, so I have no clue about my LO's paternal grandparents or who they even are. Its probably for the best as, like you, I am concerned about the influence they or FOB would have on my son. I think, maybe the only thing you can do is make the right decision for your children.if the grandparents really pester you to see them then you may have to bite the bullet and perhaps have supervised visits. If they dont ask you very often you could just leave it and let nature take its course. Grandparents obviously dont have rights like an FOB, so you could just ignore it all. But you are obviously conflicted, so do what you think is right for you and the kids, not what you think you should do so as not to upset others.

If they need to blame anyone for little or no access to their grandkids, well the finger points straight to their son, who THEY brought up, so the ball is in their court on that one.

I used to worry like hell about my son turning out like his father but its a proven fact that the majority of human beings are a product of their environment far more than a personality clone of their absent fathers / mothers. I think there will be obvious things to consider like maybe strength of will, how they handle emotions etc but foster that aspect of a childs personality in a great, loving environment and the strength of will that may have been stubbornness or bullying in an ex FOB, can be turned into a young boy or girl who can stand up for themselves and their family fairly and and takes the lead in most situations, or if an FOB had a tendency to be selfish with money and a skinflint, well thats easy to teach a child growing up to share and be cautious and also generous with money. Do an amazing job as a Mum, teach your kids right and love them loads and you cant go wrong really.

I honestly believe that my ex was a bit like bloody Darth Vader, he had a good soul somewhere but chose to turn to the dark side! And there was no redeeming that.

And yes....post your story here sweetie, it helps to get it out of your system and know that others here can relate or sympathise because we truly do understand.

Hugs xx

 

[Meezerowner]

I think its super difficult in this type of situation, I know exactly where you are coming from but thankfully FOB is / was fostered as a child, so I have no clue about my LO's paternal grandparents or who they even are. Its probably for the best as, like you, I am concerned about the influence they or FOB would have on my son. I think, maybe the only thing you can do is make the right decision for your children.if the grandparents really pester you to see them then you may have to bite the bullet and perhaps have supervised visits. If they dont ask you very often you could just leave it and let nature take its course. Grandparents obviously dont have rights like an FOB, so you could just ignore it all. But you are obviously conflicted, so do what you think is right for you and the kids, not what you think you should do so as not to upset others.

Thanks so much for your reply. It has really helped actually.

They don't pester too much they have stepped back as I politely asked them to last year. But they have sent cards and money for the girls and in December they sent a heartfelt letter. I know they are worried because I am moving soon that I will cut contact. I never intended to cut contact with them completely, what I said to them was that the situation with their son needed to be resolved first and then we could begin again independant from his mess.

I guess that you are lucky then that your FOB's foster parents are presumably not interested/involved at all. It's just an added stress that you can do without. I know they dont have rights as such but I sort of feel like the children have a right to know their origins.

If they need to blame anyone for little or no access to their grandkids, well the finger points straight to their son, who THEY brought up, so the ball is in their court on that one.

I totally agree I just have guilt and I am one of those pathetic people that want's everyone to like them.... I can't bare that they might be thinking badly of me!

I used to worry like hell about my son turning out like his father but its a proven fact that the majority of human beings are a product of their environment far more than a personality clone of their absent fathers / mothers. I think there will be obvious things to consider like maybe strength of will, how they handle emotions etc but foster that aspect of a childs personality in a great, loving environment and the strength of will that may have been stubbornness or bullying in an ex FOB, can be turned into a young boy or girl who can stand up for themselves and their family fairly and and takes the lead in most situations, or if an FOB had a tendency to be selfish with money and a skinflint, well thats easy to teach a child growing up to share and be cautious and also generous with money. Do an amazing job as a Mum, teach your kids right and love them loads and you cant go wrong really.

OMG that is so simple why didn't I think of that! I must be really glass-half-empty at the moment or something . That is a really beautiful way of thinking about it. Everything is a potential strength depending on how it is nurtured - I love it!

I honestly believe that my ex was a bit like bloody Darth Vader, he had a good soul somewhere but chose to turn to the dark side! And there was no redeeming that.

Me too! I think he had a kernal of good and he showed it sometimes (rarely) but in general was so wrapped in himself and his pleasures he forgot that everyone else existed. He always chose the easy (usually morally wrong) option.

Anyway thanks so much!

 

[Mummy1995]

I personally feel that both interact with each other. However nurture overrules nature in some areas. For example fob is a dick and a horrible person, however I'm going to bring Isabella up with the same values/morals as myself, so she should therefore have the same or similar as an adult.

Nature may make you more inclined/susceptible to things, however I think it's the way you're brought up which ultimately decided whether you act on those impulses or not. Xx

 

[moomin_troll]

I never met my dad, nasty violent ass hole!
Unfortunately I'm his double, look like him, sleep like him and have a short fuse and a nasty temper :/ luckily I'm not as much of a c word as him so I don't go round hitting people lol
I do believe it's nature of nurture to an extent. I may have some of my dad's bad side, but also a good person thanks to my upbringing.
My youngest never got to meet his dad, and where as he doesn't look like him, he is his father. Luckily I love his dad so that doesn't bother me much haha