Need advice,I feel so guilty..should I go or stay?

[Danie1stbaby]

I feel guilty as a mom,because fact is.This new city is a place I could have fun in as well.I am still a young woman lol Most moms feel guilty for having fun and not in the house with LO

My bestfriend since 5 yrs old,asked me to move to a city 4 hrs away.My mom is teling me to go for it and she will take care of my daughter while I go build and network for my career.Mom said she will give me a deadline,that way I will take it more serious knowing there is a time put on it.My brother and my friend's father stay in this city and I love it there.It's more opportunity and I know for a fact I could make things happen there.

My daughter is only 6 months old,going on 7 months in a week.We were talking about moving feb or march 2013.My baby will be 1 yrs old in april.

MY mom feels like this is my last shot,while I still have someyouth to go live out my dreams and build a future for me and my princess.My baby is my heart,she is with me 24-7..how will I cope? Is it wrong of me to do this? I feel guilty,yet I feel driven now that I am a mom.I feel like I owe it to her to go after my dreams and make them happen.What do you think?

Do I stay and toss away my hopes and dreams?

or go for it??

I wish I would have gone away once more before I had a child,but it did not work out that way.I am older now so it's like now or never.it sucks losing everything and having to go back out into the world to build again.I should be more stable right now...omg I am in tears

 

[emeraldbaby]

Personally, no opportunity in this world would be worth leaving my LO. There is nothing more important than your own baby. I wouldn't put my child through that at any age, let alone as a baby trying to form secure attachments. A childs emotional development is most crucial 0-3 years old and affects them the rest of their life, you can't do over.
To each their own, but that's my personal stand.

 

[lemontree12]

I think you should go. This is an opportunity that you could build a better life for you and your baby. A couple of months against a life time of happiness with your daughter. You have family and friends in the city that can be supportive.

It would be hard leaving her but think of the happiness that will come from a better opportunity. I would only be going if in my mind was the build a life for both of us, but not to party.

 

[Danie1stbaby]

hmmmm interesting advice~ I appreciate it all That is why the first thing I typed was about how I have fun in this city.I don't look to have fun,it's just one of those places where it is never a dull moment.It's always something to occupy you.

I have been given advice from both sides,to stay and let goals go,and to go and accomplish them.I think some may get what I am saying misunderstood,the city is about 3 1/2 hrs to 4 hrs away,and I am not leaving my baby for a long period.A few months at the most,but every other weekend I would come to be with her.I would love for my family up there to help me with babysitting,but they are newlyweds struggling with their own family.

I don't know how I am going to cope without waking up to that face every single day,but I know for a fact that I CANNOT support her here and I will spend my life in regret if I don't atleast try.That is why it is important to do this before children~I understood the point of life at a later time,and that time is now.You have to reach and obtain as many goals as possible while you walk on this planet.

My guilt comes in when,there are networking parties,and holiday parties happening.(no holiday parties around the time I am suppose to go,just the boss bday at a job I was offered).That whole "moms are not suppose to have fun" is stuck in my head.I met a mother of 2 and she up and moved to another city,while her dad kept her sons for 6 months.she just purchased her 1st home,and she told me...it was ok to live a little,because living a little helps you stay sane and not in a routine.I am now a mother but I am not a old one.

I like to enjoy myself even now,especially after such a emotional and sad pregnancy.I enjoy spending time with friends and family over wine or going to hear some poetry over dinner.The only way I can make more money,afford to take care of us,is to move away.I live in a place of limitations.Yet I will not be the 1st or last,that had to leave a child briefly to go get our life on track.I feel worthless here and can't give her what I feel she deserves.Yet I feel hurt to have to leave my princess.I went out of town for a weekend and was balling by sunday morning,missing her.My mom wants me to take advantage and give it a shot.

I am so confused,do I sit here with her and struggle...tell her when she gets older,hey I didnt go out and make a better life for you,I just settled.

or

do I go off,regardless of what anyone says and become a better provider/mom?? YET ,still live my life,as selfish as it sounds.Even having a martini after work,some moms are like..OH NO!

SO,either way...someone will look down upon me

 

[Kate&Lucas]

If this is something you want to do and you will never consider any other way of living then fair enough, however there is more than one way to provide for your family, so not leaving your child to build this network does not mean you won't be able to make a good life for her.

Personally, I wouldn't even consider it. I'm a fairly young parent and still like to go out (very occasionally now I must admit, but when he was younger I was out somewhat regularly). I've never felt guilty for it and I'd dare anyone to try and make me. However my dreams and aims in life changed dramatically when I became a parent and he became my responsibility above anything else I might have wanted to do - I accept that there are some things I can and would not do now.

Maybe it would depend on what the career actually is, whether I had the relevant experience and qualifications for what I wanted to do, why the people in the other city are any better contacts and how that would actually affect me when I started this career. Would I have to move there, would I have to continue this way of life should I get established in my career, would I still be as eager to leave my child if it didn't involve partying, is the career a stable one that will give my child consistency and not have us facing the same situation somewhere down the line, how will the job factor in the long term, am I actually guaranteed a career at the end of this - all questions I would be asking myself. Perhaps a pros and cons list would be useful.

 

[lemontree12]

To be honest I would 100% take the opportunity and it's not because I don't love my little girl I do more than anything, I feel anfew months is nothing in terms of a lifetime
of happiness. I live in a different country from
My family, don't have any family here therefore I hardly get a break or anytime to myself at all. Iv spent months juggling around in my head thinking do I move home so I have help but will have no job or stay here with a home, job and lots of friends an opportunities for my little girl, I know her education is important and she will get a better one here. So Iv chose to stay here because the opportunities are better. I know it's not the same but still.

Cx

 

[Danie1stbaby]

lemontree12 Thank you so much~ I am leaning more towards your advice.12 weeks would not affect her in a negative way,it's more me than the baby lol can I survive that long without her.My mom is in love with her and told me to go for a year! no way!! I would be 4 hrs away,so it would be no problem to drive home on some weekends.I am not sure if I could emotionally do it.I know it is for the best~

I know some moms that work 16hr shifts and rarely see their children,but doing what they have to do to put food on the table.The city I am considering moving to ,is awesome,I would naturally have fun,but listening to others has caused me to have mom guilt.I don't believe that being mom means your life is over.Yes it's all about your babies but you cannot be a good mom if you are not living yourself.I am able to be a mom and have fun~ I enjoy patying sometimes,

 

[Danie1stbaby]

(was cut off) lol I must admitt,I enjoy hanging out at times.I am not old fashioned,I do not believe sitting around in the house will make me a awesome mom.I believe going out and making things happen does.My daughter will not remember those 12 weeks,but my only concern is how will I deal being without her.She is with me all the time and it's scary to not wake up to her,but I know in the end,it will be worth it.

I did a pros and cons list

I had one con..being away from my baby

Thank you ladies for the advice...I am almost close to making my decision

 

[Dezireey]

I wouldn't leave my child. I am sure I don't see your viewpoint because I am in my late thirties and can't really see this 'missed opportunity' thing you are going on about as I know, in my experience you'll have plenty of these in your life, trust me, you will. What you wont have nor never get back again are those precious moments you will miss as your baby develops. I would rather sacrifice a possible fresh start in another city that could or could not pan out for you than miss my baby's first steps, first words, first smile, whatever. You won't get the opportunity to experience that again as they grow so fast. but just my opinion. I think you are probably going to go anyway by the sounds of it.

 

[Danie1stbaby]

I am accepting all advice~ Like I mentioned above,I am not worried about her being without me,because all of her needs will be met regardless.I am worried about me without her for 12 weeks.

I am leaning towards going,bc I am not the first mom that had to go build for their family.Some are in the militarybut at the end of the day,they are building a future for their children.Unfortunately,not everyone can handle their goals ,etc before having children.so we have to just do what we have to do as parents.Sitting and wondering what if,is not the route I want to take.I much rather do this while she is young and a infant,plus I will be home every other weekend.I also think this is a great time for her grandparents and aunts to bond with her before I relocate her to another city

I'm her mother,so I am naturally afraid.Yet I am her mother and I know that this could 100% secure my daughter's future.In my old field of work,I met a lot of older people that were on their death beds and you know the most common last words of these people?? "Regret".They wish they would have taken that opportunity or this chance,etc Those conversations changed my life forever and when I had my daughter,I felt like I had to accomplish things for sure.Sometimes in life you only get one shot,and it is up to you to pass on it or go for it.

I do not think 12 weeks is that bad,some people are deployed for over a year.I am younger than you are,but even at your age,if it meant opportunity to succeed on my own with my baby,I would stall like I am now...but I would probably take it.

I think a lot of old fashioned mothers make me feel guilty.When I know deep down inside that it will suck to miss 12 weeks of her life,but it will suck even more to have to struggle with 2 terrible paying jobs ,working 60 hrs a week to make ends meet.That's what I will end up doing if I don't accept my parents offer to help me with my daughter and not take this opportunity.It could fail,but I won't know until I try.If it does fail,then I will try another way.

It also feels good to live a little.I just don't think that being a great mom,means you have to give up on life and chances.I don't think the stay at home mom is a better mom than the mom that goes out to martini night with her girlfriends.As long as baby is taken care of,you have a right to live.

I am more worried about me,but I have to keep in my head how independent I want us to be.If it will be 12 weeks,then I have to suck it up and go for it.I just wanted honest advice from you ladies.Thank you all so much,I really appreciate it.

 

[Dezireey]

Not having a go hun but this thread to be honest is not really about you asking peoples advice on what you should do, it's been about 'please make me feel better about the decision I am making'because this is what you are doing regardless. my opinion is that you should do what you want to do, my advice however is that this is not something beneficial to a baby. I'm not sure where you are coming from saying that your baby will not miss you? You do realise that a baby's first year in life is a crucial 'bonding' stage with it's 'mother' don't you? thats a proven fact. Your baby will miss you , sorry but they will.

I support where you are coming from and see reasons why. But to be honest it's a bit odd for a mother to want to leave their baby like this, in any circumstance. Please don't tell us that this is 'normal' it's 'fine' loads of people do it and a general 'what's the big fuss' attitude hun because it's not normal or fine for most mums, it's just normal for you.

Just go and do what you think is best for yourself and have a bright future with your LO.

hugs x

 

[Danie1stbaby]

I am not looking for anyone to validate my decision.A lot of women ask advice up here but at the end of the day,they will do as they please.Ok,you may be right,she may miss me.Yet I am a single mother and have to do what I have to do to put food on the table.Is it the same as single mothers that work 60 to 70 hrs a week and barely make ends meet or see their children?? No it is not,12 weeks is not 12 months.Any time away is hard for a mother or father but sometimes you have to handle your business.My parents adore her and she adores them.Perfect bonding time for my parents and baby before we relocate.It is very normal for mothers and fathers to go off and make something happen.12 weeks is a short amount of time.I know mothers that got pregnant in college and their parents wanted them to finish school so they helped them with their child while they are away at school.Does that make them less of a mother? No it makes them a determined mother and blessed to have a family to support them.

I said I was taken all advice and you saying I am looking for justification is funny.I just wanted advice~ I am always afraid of having too much fun or being looked down upon as a mother,but I am realizing that I am a damn great mother and if I didn't love my daughter,I wouldn't take the opportunity.It is better than me working 24-7 at a crappy job and still begging people to help me.I am young and able,those 12 weeks will hurt but at the end of the day,she would be grateful.I thank my dad for paying for my education and taken that opportunity,so that he could.Now because of that degree,I am offered a huge opportunity.

Thanks ladies for the advice I really wanted to know of others stores on how they coped being away from LO.Not all moms can afford to stay at home,some of us actually work 60 hrs per week or more.I am definitely going to enjoy life,be a great mom,listen to advice and make my own choices...just like every other human being.

 

[MommaAlexis]

I will be going back to work, and university full time. I would never leave her for 12weeks, it doesn't matter how much I'd miss her, she wouldn't know where I went! I couldn't do that to her. At the end of the day, she needs to be home with me, knowing I'll always be there when she has a bad dream. Then again I don't drink, party, anything and I don't give two shits what people think of me. If having a drink makes you feel guilty, don't do it. If it doesn't, fo it. I wouldn't risk my daughter's safety and happiness on a "what if". Because even if shes taken care of, it's not the same. Spend a week in a hotel, with food, a bed, a shower and then go home. They're basically the same thing, but that hotel is nothing like coming home to your own bed.

 

[beanzz]

I personally don't think I could do it. But if you can then go for it.

 

[baby_mama87]

I personally couldn't do it. If you really feel that it will change your life and benefit loythen go for it but what's to stop you going home home each weekend to see your baby? Could you not in any way take her with you? I've recently gone back to college to start my career in hr, I know that in the future I may need to move away from.my home town as there are not as many opportunities but I.would never leave my.lo. I'm not sure of your situation is there a reason you can't take her with you or do you want to go.so.you can go out and party too? I'd normally say follow your heart but unfortunately your lo now comes first and at that small age she needs her mummy. Good luck whatever you decide!

Xxx

 

[Danie1stbaby]

Hi ladies,thanks for your honest opinions.I am online shopping for some items for the new office and I just purchased lo a bouncer while up here.Crazy how when you shop,lyou find yourself shopping for your baby too.I am a baby shopping addict! I need to stop,our space is limited.

To each their own,and I hear everyone's opinion,but something I did not think about before I posted this thread,is what I feel in my heart.My siblings,bestfriends and even my parents..have all said the same thing...do not live in regret,live a little,heal your heart,see the world and build a stable foundation for you and lo.That is the best advice ever and I am taken it,for the first time in my life.

My family is close and it is a blessing to have a family that is supporting me.Not everyone has that,so I am so ever grateful.12 weeks is not a long time,I am signing my bonus contract in 8 weeks.I am excited about this new opportunity.I think the guilt comes in,when I do have a good time in that city and in the words of my granny "babies do not mean you are a old maid,she is taken care of,live your life and be a mom." Love that woman so much and I am going to go to this city,sign that lease on that new place,decorate my office,celebrate with my new co workers and send for lur new start♥

So tired of depending on others,settling for a little bit when I have opportunity to have a lot more.No,I am not staying here and attending community college while asking family to help buy diapers.By this time next year,I want to have enough saved for lo and I to put a down payment on our 1st home.

yes,I do like to go out for a few hours and enjoy myself,but my daughter is my lifeline.She will never need for anything as long as I'm her mother.I have spent the last year,since I was pregnant with her in a dark depression,I wanted to end my life but she gave my life meaning.I survived so much and it's all because of her~ I have to rebuild me,and she deserves a happier mother.I would NOT take this chance if it were not for her I am a single mother who's heart is in pieces.I have been used,abused and lied to,I deserve to live a little and I can change our lives at the same time,then that is great!

My family is going to be so sad when it is time for my lo to come home.I want her to be older before she is entered into daycare.I wish things really workout in those 12 weeks and my mom can move up here to help.Which I will know in the 12 weeks that I am gone,she has some things to figure out before she makes that decision. crossing my fingers !! Hopefully,it will be less than 12 weeks.8 weeks might be it I don't know how I am going to handle it Knowing that we will be independent,is keeping me headstrong on this choice.My sister is getting back to me on just going with me,and keeping lo in the new city ,while I get things arranged!! so many different ideas,and either way my lo will be just fine and later in life,she will be proud of mommy.I want to make an example,go for your dreams,not everyone will agree,but follow your gut...and don't forget to have fun while doing it.

I felt guilty when I first typed this thread,about having fun even if I go bowlingl.Times have changed and creating her future and living my personal life can all be done at once.If you are a single mom,it is ok to be the best mom ever and mingle.I am tired of dwelling on how her dad has done me,it takes time and we need a change.Struggling is not helping me heal~ I am determined to get us a new start and I will no longer let anyone make me feel bad about enjoying life a little.This forum is so great and somedays I feel unsure and others I feel like super woman.Thanks to the love and support on this forum,even when we do not agree,I appreciate you ladies so much