Need advice, please

[PinkLady17]

Husband and I are currently separated with a 3 months old... sorry if this is a little long.
I'll start from the beginning though... our baby was a preemie and had to stay two months at the hospital. it was hard, i cried every night cuz i wanted my baby home, but husband wasn't very supportive of my feelings, in fact he had a problem with visiting his own child and complained it was something boring; plus i dealt with the doctors alone cuz he wasn't interested at all.
He has really bad friends, mommy issues (aka he's a momma's boy times ten) and a drug addict... long story short, his addiction got worse and worse and i had to kick him out of the house because he got violent with me and even at time when i was feeding our baby...
he is staying at his parents' house and they are so not supportive, they are not even trying to help him realize he has a problem but instead they cater him like a 3 year old....
we've been separated for a month already, he's only sending money because he was forced by our priest, his shrink and third people who are not his parents, so basically he is just doing it out of pressure... im confused cuz he said he wanted to work things out, but then he said he wanted a divorce and now he doesn't say anything about it, he wont talk about it.... he treats me with disrespect when he comes to visit the baby (note: he visits once a week because, well, i guess he's a sh*thead! but anyway he never spent time, always went out with friends or his parents)


any advice? i feel lonely (not exactly missing him, just missing having someone around to cuddle with and you know) .. and i'm extremely worried for our child and the impact it might have on him...and i feel like im being mom and a dad at the same time....
how you guys do it?

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

I would call him and tell him straight up how you feel and what you want. Id tell him im giving you X amount of time and then im filing with court.

 

[PinkLady17]

I would call him and tell him straight up how you feel and what you want. Id tell him im giving you X amount of time and then im filing with court.

problem is also he is not in his right mind,, or so that's what his shrink told me and what ive seen when he comes visit our baby,,, he looks as if his brain is "burnt out" by the pot
my dad told me to wait for him since it doesn't make any difference in my life anyway.................although i dont think im strong enough for that, plus he made me feel as if he thinks that there is nothing out there for me if i divorce my husband..which i really don't agree with his opinion, but whatever.

 

[Shezza84uk]

Hugs, its very difficult being a single parent although the rewards are also great. In all honesty I think your husband has post natal depression and possibly a touch of PTSD.. I say this because it seems the birth of your son triggered something in him his drug use got worst he made excuses not to see the baby etc basically he's detached himself all together.

I would suggest you look into couples counselling I have a feeling he felt he would lose you or the baby so detached into himself and pushing you away in the process maybe as his mother is so clingy she's never allowed him to deal with his emotions.

I have a feeling you can work this out especially as he didnt want a divorce initially! communication is the key to starting over, start with being open and honest speak the truth with love in other words don't make it a blame game but a discussion about your feelings, his feelings, your sons future and if all goes well start talking about your relationship maybe not all at once pace yourself..

Also try to avoid an argument at all cost if it seems to be going that way end conversation, your father is wrong you can find someone else but I'm sure you prefer your husband at his best

good luck xx

 

[PinkLady17]

Hugs, its very difficult being a single parent although the rewards are also great. In all honesty I think your husband has post natal depression and possibly a touch of PTSD.. I say this because it seems the birth of your son triggered something in him his drug use got worst he made excuses not to see the baby etc basically he's detached himself all together.

I would suggest you look into couples counselling I have a feeling he felt he would lose you or the baby so detached into himself and pushing you away in the process maybe as his mother is so clingy she's never allowed him to deal with his emotions.

I have a feeling you can work this out especially as he didnt want a divorce initially! communication is the key to starting over, start with being open and honest speak the truth with love in other words don't make it a blame game but a discussion about your feelings, his feelings, your sons future and if all goes well start talking about your relationship maybe not all at once pace yourself..

Also try to avoid an argument at all cost if it seems to be going that way end conversation, your father is wrong you can find someone else but I'm sure you prefer your husband at his best

good luck xx

thanks for the advise but honestly, i dont know... he called last night two times and was very rude and disrespectful, (note: i stayed calmed). His parents are not supportive and left the country so they wouldnt have to deal with his addiction and specially his mother is still passive agressive with me even though they know their behavior is not helping the situation.
i can't do it alone, seriously i feel he is pulling me with him and his problem....and his attitude is not being considerate nor fair to the kids.
i just want to get over with this and get to an agreement on what's best for the children.

 

[CandyDay]

I would file for divorce and keep record of the things he says and does. I wouldn't want him around as a role model for my children. Yes going it alone will be hard but I think from what you said that it would be best for you and your children. You have to be the strong one and do what is best for your children. If he was violent with you he could likely get violent with your children as well. Be sure to call the police so you have record of any more violence that occurs. Get some concilling if you feel it would be helpful to you. And take him to court for child support.
That's my opinion.

 

[ravenmel]

I would walk away, especially if you want to do the right thing by your son. I get that it is hard for him to see his son in that conditions, his a man and feels helpless etc but that's no excuse for being violent and disrespectful to you.

You could try counseling but it won't help if he doesn't feel that he needs to change and my guess is he doesn't, he probably thinks the way he treats you is o.k and everything is fine, you're just a naggy woman. If you stay you'll just prolong your pain.

Everytime I miss my ex I just think back to the pain and crap he put me and the kids through and then I'm so grateful to be out of that mess. I'm rather be single than with a man and miserable together

 

[justhoping]

Husband and I are currently separated with a 3 months old... sorry if this is a little long.
I'll start from the beginning though... our baby was a preemie and had to stay two months at the hospital. it was hard, i cried every night cuz i wanted my baby home, but husband wasn't very supportive of my feelings, in fact he had a problem with visiting his own child and complained it was something boring; plus i dealt with the doctors alone cuz he wasn't interested at all.
He has really bad friends, mommy issues (aka he's a momma's boy times ten) and a drug addict... long story short, his addiction got worse and worse and i had to kick him out of the house because he got violent with me and even at time when i was feeding our baby...
he is staying at his parents' house and they are so not supportive, they are not even trying to help him realize he has a problem but instead they cater him like a 3 year old....
we've been separated for a month already, he's only sending money because he was forced by our priest, his shrink and third people who are not his parents, so basically he is just doing it out of pressure... im confused cuz he said he wanted to work things out, but then he said he wanted a divorce and now he doesn't say anything about it, he wont talk about it.... he treats me with disrespect when he comes to visit the baby (note: he visits once a week because, well, i guess he's a sh*thead! but anyway he never spent time, always went out with friends or his parents)


any advice? i feel lonely (not exactly missing him, just missing having someone around to cuddle with and you know) .. and i'm extremely worried for our child and the impact it might have on him...and i feel like im being mom and a dad at the same time....
how you guys do it?

do you have parents or friends to be there for you and help u during these hard times..
as for him i know this will sound backwards but he is an addict and cant take care of himself how can he take care of others...
he needs to get help and until then he really is going to be no use and will only bring you down....
best to lay things out and tell him that he needs to get help so he can end up well so he can get his life straight or you will not pay him attention..(tough love is hard( but you need positive people to around and people who can help and right now he cant.....and he needs to be aware that you wont put up with anything until he at least makes a step to get help to get his life together..
the only thing he is going to do now is bring you down and stress you out......
maybe you can seek out a mommys group and family couciling for yourself later adding him when he is better able....
to help get through this

xxxoo