Need help with my stepdaughter

[stepmummy]

Hi there,

I'm a regular user over on baby club but have had to create a new ID because I need to keep as anonymous as possible on this one.

I hope someone might be able to help, I don't really know where to turn.

We have a fairly messy situation but basically me and my fiance have been together 3yrs and have a 2mo daughter. He has a 7yo daughter from a previous relationship who i love dearly and get on with very well.

His ex is very troubled and has various problems including depression. She can't stand being confronted and lashes out at people unfairly. She's a very immature person whos fights with her boyfriends in front of her daughter, smokes near her despite her breathing issues, is often out when we go to drop iff the 7yo and generally isn't the best role model. Despite this, the 7yo loves her mum so much - naturally.

We are very loving towards my stepdaughter and offer a very stable environment for her - she stays with us three times a week. Her mum rarely looks after her and will dump her on her parents wherever possible - yet she technically has custody and we know he would make life very difficult if we attempted to get custody - I don't feel we should put the 7yo through that.

The 7yo has been displaying worrying behaviour for the last year or so including:

obsessing about becoming fat
saying she doesn't like herself
refusing to look at photos of herself
scratching her arm and face when frustrated
running away and hiding when being told off - resulting in problems at school

Recently, she has done a couple of things near the baby which are dangerous so i have had to calmly but firmly tell her off which has made things difficult between us - she says being told off by me is worse than by anyone else.

I am so worried about her but i feel a bit like my hands are tied because i'm not her parent and i don't want to intefere where i don't really feel it's my place. |But what i really want to do is try to understand why she is displaying these tendencies and try to deal with them as well as i can to help her, rather than make things worse. Also I need to be able to teach her right from wrong without upsetting her.

If anyone can help i would be so grateful. I want a happy and healthy relationship with my stepdaughter as well as a stable, safe and positive environment for my daughter.

Thank you!

 

[myasmumma]

imo i think you should go for custody if things are that bad, taking the child out of the situation and giving her a stable family is much better in the long run, if anything happens which may be potentially dangerous towards your baby then you have every right to talk to her about it. good luck i wish you all the best.

 

[Mom23monkies]

First of all you ARE her parent!
I have three children who dont biologically belong to my DH but he cares for them as though they do. And he is thier Dad, even if not by blood.
I dont know how things work over seas but here if a parent suffers from depression, you cant take a child away but you can strong arm them into treatment. Unfortunatly unless she is willing to go its not going to do much good (I work in mental health)
In the states is REALLY difficult to get full custody of a child unless you already have a proven (in the court system) case that theother parent is a danger to the child. And unfortunatly smoking around them and yelling dosnt count.
what you CAN do is revisit the situation and ask for Shared custody with more time with her. And ask that when mom needs a baby sitter that she be brought to you instead of to her grandparents house as you would love more time with her.
Dont be surpised if she (your SDD's mother) yells about how you just want a reduction in child support (she will see this as an attack on her and will scream about what ever she thinks she can to get people to side with her)
It will be hard for SDD if things get ugly but you have to think REALLY hard about whats best for her. She may not be happy about changes right now but when she gets older she will understand.
YOu can also force her mom into letting the child have therapy.
And it sounds like she could probably use it.
have your DH call her pediatrition and talk the situation over with him/her
See what they have to say about it
God bless

 

[baby1011]

Sounds like your 7yo may be beginning to feel unsure about where her place is now. It's great that you have a good relationship and maybe when she is a little older you and her father can help make the right decision about who she would prefer to live with and still have contact with her mother. For now she needs reassurance that another little baby isn't going to take her place or that she doesn't have to compete with them. She clearly has really low self esteem and low self confidence. Perhaps try spending some one to one special time - you and her dad or each of you on your own at various convenient times. Get her class teacher involved too- find out what she's good at and build on them. Ask friends and school to pick up on positive actions and reward them - it'll be a start to stopping her going downhill. Also take some time out to talk about what things make her sad and may be come up with solutions to deal with them. Pshce at school or the learning mentor if you have one could offer you lots of advice.

 

[jaala]

Dont believe that saying that a mother always knows best.. i believe its true in 99% of cases but some women are just DULL. If she says being told off by you is worse than anyone I would take it as a compliment! It means she cares what you think and because it means something when its coming from you.. and yes as previous poster mentioned you are her step mom now! You have to act like a parent and not a friend. I wish you lots of good energy and positive vibes.. you sound very understanding and like you really care.. I admire that.

 

[stepmummy]

Thank you all so much, you've given me a lot to think about. And it's good to hear encouragement that I'm doing the right thing, as much as I can. Parents' evening tonight so I'll hear how she's been doing later when OH returns. I wish I could go! but I'm sure his ex would HATE that.

Thanks again ladies xxx

 

[seoj]

I too have a step-daughter (but she is with us full time and only has every other weekend with her mom)-- her mom, also, is NOT a good role model. It's certainly tough enough to deal with the delicate emotions of a young girl... let alone when they have a mom who is not steering them in the right direction.

Just know that you ARE her parent. Period. Step-mom or not. She is in your house and you give her love and support (like a parent should)- so no matter what, you should never feel guilty for taking on that role. If anything, she is a lucky little girl to have you and in her life. I know the parenting role can be a bit tricky at first- it took me a long time to get a groove and truly feel like I had all the rights my husband does- but we talk about things and agree on how to parent her, so that helps a lot.

At the least, I would highly recommend counseling, if that is something your open to. My kid has gone for years- ever since she was very little (to help with the transition and emotions she would face)- my hubby found her an excellent psychiatrist who works with children and has done a great job with her. Over the years she has gone less and less... but just the other night she asked if we could make her an appointment to discuss some stuff going on with her mom. So it's nice she has that outlet to help- other than what she talks about with us. It may be a good idea if you all went as a family- then maybe get her some additional time on her own????

Just some thoughts... hope they may help. I feel your pain. I know how frustrating it can be. Being the good parent, well, it can be a thankless job at times... but when it comes down to it- they know. They may not always know they know- lol. But they do. As she grows up I'm sure your step daughter will be very thankful for you in her life

Best of luck hun!!!!!

 

[momsosick]

Coming from a step daughter.... I had the same thing almost when I was younger... my biological mother is still not the best role model even though I am in my 20's. I feel very lucky as my step mom was the BEST! I knew that I could go to her for whatever I needed was feeling. Still to this day I am closer with her than my bio mom....

Sorry for the long way around just wanted to say keep up what your doing and if you feel its best for her then chances are it is.

 

[angelwings666]

"Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about".
If you are caring for her then you are in the parental role, so please don't feel guilty about that. I would monitor the situation, and discuss it with your OH. If you have serious concerns then I would consider broaching them with social services. If you are in the UK you can call NSPCC or your local child protection advisers (phone the council and ask for them) anonymously to get some advice. Good luck!
PS - my SDD is 5 and doesn't see her bio mum at all, and she's not suffered for it!