Need some advice- I feel like a horrible person.

[mummyosborne]

My little girl was born 11 weeks early at 2lb 5 oz, her being in the NICU and SCBU were the hardest weeks of my life. Two of my close friends are pregnant (both less than a week off their due date) and another close friend of mine had her baby 2 days late a week ago. My pregnant friends keep saying things to me like "at least you didnt have to get too big" and "it could have been worse she could have been overdue) (?!?!) and my friend with the week old baby phoned me to ask me some advice about her young baby and when i mentioned i didnt have my LO at home with me at that age she replied with "oh i forgot you didnt have to do this bit". I feel so angry and hurt with all there comments that i just cant bring myself to spend time with them or ask about their pregnancys. It took me a long while to get used to the fact that they still had their babys with them all the time while mine was miles away in an incubator all alone. I finally started to move on and i was trying to be a bigger person. Am i the horrible one for not taking an interessed and avoiding them?

 

[ermm23a]

No!!!!!!!!!!

Your friends are being incredibly insensitive rude cows, if you ask me. They have no idea how hard it is to have a preemie and the things they have said to you would really have pushed my buttons. You are a good friend for not telling them off.

I think it's completely fine to avoid them for the time being, and then later if you decide you want to see them again pick back up then. If they ask why you've been distant, I would be honest and tell them the truth.

I'm sure you would have rather been weeks overdue than have had a preemie who is the hospital and unable to regulate her own body temperature, etc. They just don't have any clue....

 

[mummyosborne]

I would have much prefered to have been overdue! Im just not sure how to ge them to understand, maybe its just something they wont ever understand because they havent been through it themselves =/

 

[Foogirl]

Firstly, congratulations on the birth of your LO. How are you all doing?

Secondly, I don't think you are horrible, I think you are quite right to be upset. I just relayed your comments to my husband and he pursed his lips and look quite angry - not usually his style when it involves someone else. That should tell you something. Those were deeply insensitive comments and all the worse for coming from friends.

That said, I wouldn't be too hard on them either. As new mums, they will be a bit all over the place and understandably wrapped up in their own worlds. If they are true friends, they will be upset that hey might have hurt you.

I would suggest writing them a letter, or sending them a congratulations card, if you haven't already and just simply explain to them you are having a difficult time with things and need to take a step back to deal with it all. Wish them all the best and tell them you will be in touch when things settle down for you both. Just explain it is a very hard time for your family.

There is a long way to go on this journey, and you will undoubtedly hear a number of comments which will upset you. I dealt with it by remembering everyone generally means well and their only failing is they have never been through it and don't understand.

I don't know where about you are, but have you had a look at the Bliss website for a support group in your area. Meeting and talking to other mums both new and not so new who have been through it will be a great help.

 

[katy1310]

You're not being horrible at all - they are being very insensitive. Comments like that hurt so much, especially when you're still going through it. I completely agree with what Foogirl has suggested you do.

I still get upset by comments - a couple of days ago, I was talking to an ex colleague about Sophie being born at 27 weeks weighing just 1lb 13, and she said that she had gone a few days overdue, and she said "but of course that comes with its worries as well, like having to be induced". I really had to bite my tongue. Sophie's 17 months now and I still feel very much affected by seeing heavily pregnant women, new mums out with brand new babies etc. If you want to talk through anything, I'm here. xxxx

 

[kelly6407]

They sound horrible.
My little girl was 11weeks early too, just a few weeks after urs

No one has said anything like that to me yet but if they did they would soon regret it.

Just tell them going over due is nothing compared to having a baby early, I've did both and being induced overdue was far more easier, u get a healthy baby that u get to take home and cuddle. So Ur uncomfy for a few weeks, so wot? How is that hard? It's hardly terrifying or heartbreaking!
Having Ur baby taken from u and not knowing if she'll survive is!

This is wot I would say

 

[proudmumgoth]

Bitches with friends like that who needs nasty people what the hell gives them the right to be so dam rude

 

[vermeil]

No!!!!!!!!!!

Your friends are being incredibly insensitive rude cows, if you ask me. They have no idea how hard it is to have a preemie and the things they have said to you would really have pushed my buttons. You are a good friend for not telling them off.

I think it's completely fine to avoid them for the time being, and then later if you decide you want to see them again pick back up then. If they ask why you've been distant, I would be honest and tell them the truth.

I'm sure you would have rather been weeks overdue than have had a preemie who is the hospital and unable to regulate her own body temperature, etc. They just don't have any clue....

what she said, perfect reply I also agree with what foogirl said - write them a letter explaining your feelings and why you need a bit of time away from them. You'll probably need to rewrite it a few times (the first ones will sound angry and accusing heh) but it will help you feel better.

Seriously people who haven't lived through this experience have NO idea what HELL it is GRRR

 

[lozzy21]

My LO was only 5 weeks early and only had to spend 6 days in hospital and comments like that piss me off so i cant imagine what its like for those of you who's baby's were earlier.

Iv only had one person i know complain about being over due to me and say something like at least you dident get to the stage of being uncomfortable. I couldent bite my tongue and told her she may have been early but she was bigger than some term babys so i know fine well what its like to be uncomfortable, i also know what its like to have your child with canular in her hand, a feeding tube and being across the hospital from you so she should shut her mouth and be glad she wouldn't have to go through that.

 

[AP]

Foo you are so nice I don't think I'd manage being that polite lol

 

[Foogirl]

Aww, thanks. I have my moments, but it's actually a very selfish thing, I prefer not to waste my anger on other people's stupidity!

But I do always like to try to find the good in people, even if sometimes I have to look reeeealy hard!

 

[Lottie86]

You're not horrible at all. One of our neighbours (everyone in our street is really close) had a baby 2 wks after Iona was born and I have been totally avoiding them, blocked her and her husband on FB etc and when we took a few hours off from the hospital to go to another neighbours party when Iona was about 5wks old it was was all I could do not to cry seeing their baby getting passed around everyone for a cuddle and them all cooing over her and asking the Mum how she was and yet all bar one person acted like I hadn't even had a baby which hurt like hell. I refused to make any eye contact with the parents at all and refused to acknowledge the baby in the slightest. It may have been harsh but it's the only way I can cope at the minute.
There again when their baby was born the mum got the neighbours to forward me a text about how she'd had a perfectly healthy big girl on her due date and all I could think was 'whoopee do da for you' by the time I'd had about 5 texts telling me this!

Bitter, me? Never

In one way I'm quite lucky as with living in the hospital I'm not really seeing anyone for them to make stupid comments at the minute although one of the nurses nearly got a slap after telling me all about her baby who was born at 36wks and didn't need to go to NICU at all and went straight home with her the following day, ummm seriously how is that a helpful thing to tell me?!

 

[bob2331]

i think we have all have 'friends' turn round and say soemthin like that. Utter twats if you ask me and not our real friends. They seem to think havin a prem baby is easy, that they just fall out when we cough and they are tiny like little dolls and we never have to worry about losing weight or pushing out a big baby. They dont realise that its one of the worse things we can go through. Havin to feel that its our fault our babies are layin there strugling to breathe, layin in a glass box when they should be in our bellies. They cant understand that pain of having to leave hopital without our babies.

The live in a world where they have a term baby and get to leave hospital the next day and their only worry is losing their baby weight.

My friend has just had a term baby and i went to visit her, and she said (after getting lots of presents) this is the reason for having a baby and i couldnt help it, i said it must be nice, we got nothing for either of our boys (i didnt expect to) apart from one condolance card with the wrong name on!

You know what, i would have rather pushed out two 10pound babies, tore from hole to hole, have about 15stone of baby weiht to lose then ever have to go through what i went through.

Ignore all these small minded people and just concentrate on your gorgeous little girl xxx

 

[mummyosborne]

Thank you so much everyone for all the advice ive spoken to one of my friends about it but she didnt really seem to understand what she had done to upset me, but im just trying to be the bigger person and let it go over my head! Has anyone else had trouble with h.v's/GP's ect. not understanding about premmies? My doctor told me my baby was horribly under weight and was just about to send us up to the hospital when i reminded him that she was very early! You'd think they would know!

 

[AP]

Yes, most HV's seem to be clueless. Mine certainly is. I ended up relying on the knowledge from the NICU consultants at check ups rather than the HV. I just told the HV what i thought she wanted to hear in the end, because I knew she was very wrong with her advice and information.

 

[Starchase]

My HV was hopeless she had me in tears everytime she opened her mouth I bet she is really good with "Normal term" babies but she didn't have a clue about prems she even told me one day she thought DS was blind as he couldn't focus or follow her finger!!! She then left saying have a nice day yeah right u too,..

My DS also couldn't support his head at the "right" time nor sit up she was horrified,..I did the same and just spoke with his consultant if I needed help or advice

Xxx

 

[stepmum]

They really should have health visitors that deal primarily with preemies or at least ones that are more knowledgable to be assigned to preemie parents. I keep having to remind mine that LO was 8 weeks early. The last time was regarding his feeds and she suggested follow on milk..he was only 2 days past his due date.

 

[Srrme]

I would avoid them too!

That comment about being overdue... I would have preferred to go overdue with my son! If that was the case, he wouldn't have been fighting for his life in the NICU.

Ugh. Those comments really bother me....

 

[kimbotrav]

its so annoying i hate the comments of well least u didnt have to get to big arghhhhhh i didnt mind getting big if it ment my baby didnt have to be in an incubator and not wiht me people are just so insensitive and neive i never knew naything about premature baies until i had my son but i never would have said these things it really annoys me.....big hugs to u xxxxx

 

[KELLYBD]

Bless you hunny, my twins were born 2 weeks ago today at 34 weeks. At 33 weeks I was moaning about how much pain I was in trying to sleep, trying to walk etc. I would have taken that pain 10x over to have gone to the 37 weeks I was supposed to, when I was due to be induced.

My little man weighed 3lb 8 which after reading the other comments on here, seems to be a good weight. My daughter was 5lb which is massive compared to the babies I see in SCBU everyday, but it doesn't stop the fact it breaks my heart every night settling my babies and kissing them goodnight, knowing that it will be a midwife picking them up for cuddles during the night when they cry, feeding my little ones and dressing them in the outfits they feel like before I return the next morning

How any woman or mother for that sake, could say a throw away comment like they have to you without actually engaging their brain first is disgusting. I will never forget how awful my first night in hospital was on a ward of 4 women with all of them having their babies with them by their side, as I laid there listening to them soothing their babies when they cried and I couldn't even get out of bed to go see mine due to having a csec. It was the worst night ever I didn't sleep a wink and didn't feel like a real Mum at all.

Just take some time out away from them and explain when you do feel stronger to speak to them that you did not appreciate their comments and tell them how much you were hurt. I'd have thrown a mental at my friends (all of which have babies) if they had said that to me, but mine have been great and have taken a step back as I said I'm too busy to be updating them everyday on what's happening and they have respected that.

You take care hun xx