Need Some Advice (sorry long post)

[KiansMummy]

Hey, I posted something on here a while ago, but i still feel the same, and need some advice, support and reassurance, i feel soo upset, frightened and i really dont no what to do!
Heres my story...
Me and FOB were'nt together long only 6 months, and i fell pregnant. When i was about 10 weeks i ended the relationship. For weeks be4 i ended it, he would go out every week and get absolutely smashed, he used to borrow money of me saying it was for petrol etc but then use it to buy drink. He hated the fact that a lot of my friends were guys and he was always accusing me of cheating and telling me to cut contact with them. And his lifestyle didnt suit me ( i dont want to sound like a snob ) he lived with his mum, his mum and dad had split up and his dad owns a pub, forever fighting and is really rough, and i always had to go round his house to see him and if we went out i would drive n we would use my car as he had had his license taken of him for drink driving (although he did use his van for work). Then one day my car insurance ran out, so i said i couldn't get to his house he would have to come to mine, get a lift or something, so we left it, then the next day he had been talking to my friend on msn and he asked her if i'd been driving and she said yes, she didnt no that my car wasnt insured so i couldnt drive, then he started accusing me of cheating!!So when i found out i was pregnant after thinking about the situation for a while i realised that it wasnt right for me and him to be together so i ended it.

He then started threatening to burn my car down and my house down, he got his sister (who is 23) to send me messages, threatening to brake every single bone in my little brothers body (he is 13), his family were all saying that i wont cope with the baby as he will have Macrae blood (Macrae is his surname), when we were talking he said he still wanted to be a part of babys life, and wanted to be at the birth ( haha he wishes) , attend scans and be on the babys birth certificate!!

Anyway i dint talk to him after that for a while but then he turned up at the 12 week scan, id brought my mum with me for support, when the sonographer was scanning me he was filling up, me and him didnt say a word to each other neither of us could find anything to say to each other, he spoke with my mum and after the scan my mum said to me after he genuinly wanted to be part of babys life.

After the scan we didnt talk much, but one conversation brought up the babys surname, i said i was going to give baby my surname as he would be living with me and we wern't married so i dint see why he needed his dads surname. He said he was going to take me to court!

I dint see him again until the 20 week scan, which he turnd up for , he only came in for half of the scan, but seemed happy when we found out the sex.

After that i havent spoken to him until today (im 26+1) and he sent me a text message saying 'hi hows little man doing'.

Anyway im really worried now i have no idea what to go, weather to get him on the birth certificate (and what rights that would allow him if he was on and what if he wasnt on), i do want baby to have him in his life but i wouldnt feel comfortable with him being away from me until hes a lot older, so im just after some advice or reassurance! Hope that makes sense! Thanks xx

 

[imace]

Personally I wouldn't put him on the BC.

From experience, I am going through hell and back with my FOB as he is on the BC.

He can still be in the baby's life if you chose him to be etc. but putting him on the BC and then deciding you don't want him to be is a NIGHTMARE.

Not being on the BC he will have as much rights as any other man to walk the streets.

Being on the BC he can take you to court and at the very least he will get supervised contact, but eventually will lead to unsupervised etc.

You can also go through CSA without him on the BC if you were wondering, they will just do a DNA test if he kicks up.


Others will probably say different. But it's just my opinion.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

 

[WhiteGeisha]

I agree with imace

He can still be a dad and not be on the BC - you'd regret it if somewhere down the line he started being an arse and wanted more access or joint parenting etc as he will have more rights being on the BC.

If he had been a stand up guy from the start then i'd be saying something completely different but like my FOB he hasn't hence why I am not putting him on my LO's BC x

 

[lou_w34]

My FOB is not on the BC and it was deffinatley the right decision (he told me he wouldnt travel to sign it when i was pregnant, so when the time came to actually do it, i decided not to tell him) and i am very thankful he is not on it. Im not saying what is right for me will be right for you, but i do sleep a bit easier at night knowing that i have sole responsibilty and rights over my LO, especially since he has not bothered to see her since she was 12 days old, and paid absolutley nothing towards her.

Hope that helps a little bit

ETA: Just because my FOB is not on the BC doesnt mean i didnt give him the chance to be a dad, he has had every chance possible, he has just threw them back in my face, and now we dont hear from him at all... Im just saying that even if you did decide not to put him on, he can still be a dad to you LO at the end of the day
xx

 

[2nd time mum]

I wouldn't put him on the Certificate either if I was you. If he steps up to the mark and proves himself can you not register his name on it later on? I know you can do that up here in Scotland but not sure about where you are.

I put OH's name on LO's birth certificate and it is a total disaster tbh and something I do regret now.

 

[billy2mm]

i wouldnt do it either.

i knew my marriage was over when i registered the birth of my youngest but because we were married he had to be on it iygwim. both my 2 have their "dads" surname but im hoping to get that legally changed in the process of the divorce.

imo i think that a man has to earn the right to be called Dad and if they are that serious about being there for their children they should prove it and then further down the line (im talking years here) the both of you can discuss getting his name added onto the certificate.

its alot easier to get the name on that it is to deal with the fallout afterwards!

 

[fordy]

sorry jess i have no advice but.....i did notice ur name for ur little man.....the funny thing is my oldest son who is now ten i was a teen mum lol his name is kian james...lol