need some help with my 9 year old

[alanajade27]

I have a nine year old boy who has had a bit of a rough trot. He is actually my cousin but I have been his mother figure sinxe he was 4. Both of his parents werent well so I took him full time. He ia now back living with his father but I take him any time I can.
Usually all weekens as I have a full time job. Due to his lazy parents he has learninf difficulties because he did not atart doing anything until he xame to live with me. To the point where he had rotten teeth, still wore a nappy and didnt even know what colour was what! He has remained close to his father throughout the last five yeara but only saw his mother once. She killed herself laat year. He has been calling me mum for the last four years and he knows im not his real mum and he knows all about her! He is an amazing kid and progressing so well except for one thing! He poos his pants!!!!! He wont go to the toilet. Does not matter where he is, at home or school! Does anyone have any ideas? Please! I am 22 he is 9

 

[MummyMana]

Probably a really stupid suggestion as you've probably tried it, but in case you haven't what about the simple things like star charts? Every day he is clean he gets a star then when he reached a set yet achievable number or stars he gets a treat relative to his interests

 

[alanajade27]

Its difficult cause he is with his father 5 days of the week and hia father does nothing and doesnt care! He juat yells at him further!

 

[MummyMana]

Maybe talk with his father about it and come up with a plan that he will stick to aswell? His approach doesn't sound like it's helping the matter!

 

[seoj]

That must be rough hun- I'm sorry. It honestly seems like he is having troubles due to the actions/behavior/treatment from his bio- parents. If he is yelled at for doing something "bad"- maybe that is how he get's attention from his dad? Some kids will act out for any attenion- even negative attention. My best advise is to get him some counseling to find the root of the issue... but living with his father during the week, not sure if that's something you could do for him? All you can do- short of getting him help- is encourage good behavior- like already mentioned, sticker chart or rewards he can earn for each day he uses the toilet etc... just focus most on the positive things he does so that is the attention he wants more. It's really hard though when your battling against another "parent". Sorry. I've no other great advise. Best of luck!

 

[sunshine114]

It sounds to me, with everything he has been through, that he might have some attachment disorder, which can show itself in this way. You sound like an amazing mum / cousin to him though - I'm sure without your care his attachment would be much worse!
Has anybody mentioned counselling for him? It might be worth a shot asking your gp or the school if they can refer to camhs (if you are uk), but in the meantime try and get his dad onside, or at very least keep your approach consistent and calm so he feels loved and secure. Good luck!

 

[alanajade27]

Thanks so much for the support. Most of the attention he gets from his dad is negative. And unfortunately ove tried to take him full time and have been unsuccessful. I do what I can and try to jam a full weeks worth of love and encouragement into 2 days. We are working on it and hope it gets sorted soon. My poor baby deserves love and affection everyday