Need to vent about in-laws

[FaithHopeLov3]

Okay, so no one has to reply to this if they don't want haha I just needed to get it off my chest! My hubby's parents (mom and stepdad) and grandparents drive me NUTS.
When we were dating (we are newly married) they seemed fine.. his Mom and Grandma were always a little overbearing, but nothing I couldn't laugh at. Once that wedding band hit my finger things changed..drastically.
During the wedding I was completely ignored by his Mom and Grandma. His Mom was so obviously ignoring me that all the guests noticed and many have commented to me and apologized for her behaviour. Second, we had made it clear we didn't want father-daughter dances or mother-son dances since my Dad couldn't be there and it was a very upsetting time for me.. well his Mom decides she will have her way and pouts until my hubby dances with her(which HE didn't want because he feels it is weird) so my FIL saves me from sitting alone and I start crying because this should be when Dad and I dance. I went outside so I didn't cause a scene and my hubby and brother follow after me and my brother and I have a good cry and I go back in.. she doesn't come see if I'm okay and doesn't want a pic with us..just hubby. Fast forward and we're over visiting and she just can't seem to be close enough to my hubby, she's constantly brushing off his shirt or playing with his hair or just leaning into him and everyone is making a fuss over her sitting next to him saying "are you sure you don't want me to move so you can sit here" and she does her usual pouty face and goes "oh that's ok..." then before the night is through she decides to show my hubby videos of girls in bras dancing on a bar Mom of the year award anyone?? And this isn't the first time she's done something like that I should mention... a little while back she sent him an email with pictures of topless women in it. I said your MOM sent you this and he said yeah it's weird..she sends me stuff like that alot.
Is it just me?! Or is this sooo weird. It's like she doesn't have respect for our marriage and just can't let go of her son. (he isn't an only child either..)
Oh, I forgot one last thing I want to gripe about. Hubby and I are Christians and we have chosen not to drink, except for a glass of wine on special occassions, and my inlaws are avid drinkers and partiers. They are at the bar 7 nights a week. When we are all together the pressure is overwhelming for us to drink.. it's constant! It's like they can't drink unless we do and we refuse to. Now we're ttc and I'm dreading their involvement
HELP!

 

[bigbetty]

Oh my! Well it sounds like your hubby is just as freaked out as you are but I think he needs to grow a pair and actually confront her about it - has he ever said anything to her?

 

[FaithHopeLov3]

Oh my! Well it sounds like your hubby is just as freaked out as you are but I think he needs to grow a pair and actually confront her about it - has he ever said anything to her?

So I'm not alone in my thinking this is weird.. thank-you for some validation!
Yeah, you're right he is just as freaked out, but no he doesn't speak up. That is kind of another problem. Without sounding childish I hope.. I have to say I am frustrated that she got away with treating me that horrible on our wedding day. She just couldn't stand that the attention wasn't on her for a few hours. She made it so obvious that she was ignoring me by going over to my hubby and eating some of his wedding cake off his plate and fork and then when I was coming over with mine she took off! Also, in all the pictures of the ceremony she has an actual frown..everyone else is smiling and crying and there she is sitting with a literal upside down smile. She always gets her way. When he didn't act over-joyed that she showed up during an appt. we specifically asked her to not come to he felt bad!!!!
I'm reaching the end of my rope here. He said he will start sticking up for me more, but I just can't see that happening and what do you think he should say if he does grow a pair and DO something about it?

 

[Princess Lou]

Your fella needs to stand up to her and tell her when she's over stepping the mark.

Don't tell them your TTC if you are concerned about her getting involved. My MIL actually said to me "Are you sure you are doing it right?" What the hell? She also keeps telling me that I'm too stressed etc and it's my fault that I can't get pregnant. I told she knows nothing about what we are going through and to butt out but it was a couple of years before I did and she drove me bonkers. Whether you try for one cycle or a thousand cycles (although assuming a woman has a 28 day cycle, a 1000 cycles is over 70 years of being of child bearing ability so I think it's safe to say you won't be trying for 1000 cycles) you don't need anyone butting in, giving unhelpful advice and adding pressure.

Good luck.

 

[FaithHopeLov3]

Your fella needs to stand up to her and tell her when she's over stepping the mark.

Don't tell them your TTC if you are concerned about her getting involved. My MIL actually said to me "Are you sure you are doing it right?" What the hell? She also keeps telling me that I'm too stressed etc and it's my fault that I can't get pregnant. I told she knows nothing about what we are going through and to butt out but it was a couple of years before I did and she drove me bonkers. Whether you try for one cycle or a thousand cycles (although assuming a woman has a 28 day cycle, a 1000 cycles is over 70 years of being of child bearing ability so I think it's safe to say you won't be trying for 1000 cycles) you don't need anyone butting in, giving unhelpful advice and adding pressure.

Good luck.

Wow! I cannot believe she had the nerve to say "are you sure you are doing it right?" I seriously would have a hard time swallowing the words that came to me as I read your reply if I was in your shoes!
How dare she say anything like it's your fault. I think it's great you told your MIL where to go. She clearly needs to be treated like a child and kept from getting under foot which is so sad. How does your husband see the situation? Does he stand up for you, if so how?

Yeah, she will not know anything about us ttc because she makes comments to me already about how we have too busy of a life.. (DH said she never says anything like that to him) "you two have had a whirlwind year of moving around and getting married...it's stressful I hope he's okay. is he okay?" She never asks how I am. If I get on the phone with her she over-analyzes the tone of my hubby's voice and automatically thinks he's depressed and something is wrong and I had better tell her. She can't believe that he is just tired from the day or that he actually didn't want to answer her call.
He really does need to do/say something, but I guess I'll have to wait until the next event to see if he does. And there will be another "event"
I got all upset again today because I was looking at wedding pictures and I'm so angry that she couldn't give me just a matter of hours..to enjoy some time with friends and family and my new husband
I just can't believe that DH didn't stand up for me right then and there y'know? Who makes their wife cry on their wedding day!?!?! I would not have allowed anyone to treat him half as bad as she did me.
So, wedding pictures are going to have to be retired for a while here until things heal in my heart I guess.

 

[bigbetty]

I think he should sit down and have a heart to heart with her. She obviously feels, no matter how unjustified, that she's losing/lost her son and this is making her act crazy.

He needs to gently reassure her that he loves her but he won't accept the way she treats you and that you aren't a threat to their mother/son relationship. He also needs to tell her how uncomfortable he is with her inappropriate actions and gestures and that if she continues in the manner she has the result will be she pushes the both of you away instead of gaining a loving and loyal daughter in law into her life.

I think at this stage there needs to be a chance to resolve the issues in a respectful manner rather than going in all guns blazing, but if the situation doesn't improve then you and you husband need to decide together how you want to progress xx

 

[Princess Lou]

Your fella needs to stand up to her and tell her when she's over stepping the mark.

Don't tell them your TTC if you are concerned about her getting involved. My MIL actually said to me "Are you sure you are doing it right?" What the hell? She also keeps telling me that I'm too stressed etc and it's my fault that I can't get pregnant. I told she knows nothing about what we are going through and to butt out but it was a couple of years before I did and she drove me bonkers. Whether you try for one cycle or a thousand cycles (although assuming a woman has a 28 day cycle, a 1000 cycles is over 70 years of being of child bearing ability so I think it's safe to say you won't be trying for 1000 cycles) you don't need anyone butting in, giving unhelpful advice and adding pressure.

Good luck.

Wow! I cannot believe she had the nerve to say "are you sure you are doing it right?" I seriously would have a hard time swallowing the words that came to me as I read your reply if I was in your shoes!
How dare she say anything like it's your fault. I think it's great you told your MIL where to go. She clearly needs to be treated like a child and kept from getting under foot which is so sad. How does your husband see the situation? Does he stand up for you, if so how?

Yeah, she will not know anything about us ttc because she makes comments to me already about how we have too busy of a life.. (DH said she never says anything like that to him) "you two have had a whirlwind year of moving around and getting married...it's stressful I hope he's okay. is he okay?" She never asks how I am. If I get on the phone with her she over-analyzes the tone of my hubby's voice and automatically thinks he's depressed and something is wrong and I had better tell her. She can't believe that he is just tired from the day or that he actually didn't want to answer her call.
He really does need to do/say something, but I guess I'll have to wait until the next event to see if he does. And there will be another "event"
I got all upset again today because I was looking at wedding pictures and I'm so angry that she couldn't give me just a matter of hours..to enjoy some time with friends and family and my new husband
I just can't believe that DH didn't stand up for me right then and there y'know? Who makes their wife cry on their wedding day!?!?! I would not have allowed anyone to treat him half as bad as she did me.
So, wedding pictures are going to have to be retired for a while here until things heal in my heart I guess.

She never said anything to me in front of my fella and it got to the point where I was sure he was thinking I was making everything up because some of the things she said were so outrageous and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't witnessed it.

My hubby said that although what was doing was wrong, he will only say something if he was there, like I say, it was so outrageous he probably thought I was exaggerating a little, taking it wrongly etc but he always let me vent. I understood and though maybe I was over-reacting. Anyway, she said something to us about it over the dinner table with her five other children (who were at the time 13 through to 6) and hubby told her that she was being inappropriate and that he would talk with her after dinner when the children were upstairs playing etc. He didn't get chance too. As soon as I heard three bedroom doors close I went to town and let lose. All the rage went. She looked at hubby and said "Are you just going to stand there and let her talk to me like that?" Hubby responded with "Yea, I think so. If she crosses the line or says something that's unfair I'll tell her but, yea, she's a big girl, she can say what she likes." He also told her, after she spent time moaning to him about me, that if she made him chose, she would regret it and if she kept rubbing me up the wrong way she will be the one that loses out, I plan on being a SAHM so I won't require her babysitting services and if I don't get along with her, I won't go round with the child or allow her in my house. On our wedding day I over heard her saying to my friends that the marriage would be over in six months so I'm not surprised she is acting the way she is.

I was looking through all my wedding pictures (600-800) and found three of my MIL. She looks like shit on all of them and miserable as hell. Thing is, we were having such a brilliant time with my family that we didn't notice. Lol. It'll take time t look at them again but you will. It's not the same but, three months after our wedding my Mum died so it took a while to look at them but I did and you will too and you won't see how much of a bitch she was and how upset you were, you'll remember how it felt to see your hubby as you walked down the aisle, how it felt to put the ring on, to walk out as Mr and Mrs, cut the cake, etc. Just like I see a woman who was the image of health, not a woman who would die three month late because cancer took over every cell in her body. It will take time but you WILL get there. Just like I did.

And the next time your MIL says something or does something, make sure your fella stands up to her. Oh, and make sure he calls her to see how she's doing and stops by for a coffee. Weird I know but, she will never be able to say "You stop my son from seeing me." MIL hates that she can't say that to me and everything that make her miserable makes me ecstatic. I really envy my hubby though. He used to got to football matches with my Mum, he plays pool with my Dad and knew my sister before me and gets along fantastically with my sisters fiance. He struck the In-LAW jackpot and I got the boobie prize. Lol.

 

[FaithHopeLov3]

Your fella needs to stand up to her and tell her when she's over stepping the mark.

Don't tell them your TTC if you are concerned about her getting involved. My MIL actually said to me "Are you sure you are doing it right?" What the hell? She also keeps telling me that I'm too stressed etc and it's my fault that I can't get pregnant. I told she knows nothing about what we are going through and to butt out but it was a couple of years before I did and she drove me bonkers. Whether you try for one cycle or a thousand cycles (although assuming a woman has a 28 day cycle, a 1000 cycles is over 70 years of being of child bearing ability so I think it's safe to say you won't be trying for 1000 cycles) you don't need anyone butting in, giving unhelpful advice and adding pressure.

Good luck.

Wow! I cannot believe she had the nerve to say "are you sure you are doing it right?" I seriously would have a hard time swallowing the words that came to me as I read your reply if I was in your shoes!
How dare she say anything like it's your fault. I think it's great you told your MIL where to go. She clearly needs to be treated like a child and kept from getting under foot which is so sad. How does your husband see the situation? Does he stand up for you, if so how?

Yeah, she will not know anything about us ttc because she makes comments to me already about how we have too busy of a life.. (DH said she never says anything like that to him) "you two have had a whirlwind year of moving around and getting married...it's stressful I hope he's okay. is he okay?" She never asks how I am. If I get on the phone with her she over-analyzes the tone of my hubby's voice and automatically thinks he's depressed and something is wrong and I had better tell her. She can't believe that he is just tired from the day or that he actually didn't want to answer her call.
He really does need to do/say something, but I guess I'll have to wait until the next event to see if he does. And there will be another "event"
I got all upset again today because I was looking at wedding pictures and I'm so angry that she couldn't give me just a matter of hours..to enjoy some time with friends and family and my new husband
I just can't believe that DH didn't stand up for me right then and there y'know? Who makes their wife cry on their wedding day!?!?! I would not have allowed anyone to treat him half as bad as she did me.
So, wedding pictures are going to have to be retired for a while here until things heal in my heart I guess.

She never said anything to me in front of my fella and it got to the point where I was sure he was thinking I was making everything up because some of the things she said were so outrageous and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't witnessed it.

My hubby said that although what was doing was wrong, he will only say something if he was there, like I say, it was so outrageous he probably thought I was exaggerating a little, taking it wrongly etc but he always let me vent. I understood and though maybe I was over-reacting. Anyway, she said something to us about it over the dinner table with her five other children (who were at the time 13 through to 6) and hubby told her that she was being inappropriate and that he would talk with her after dinner when the children were upstairs playing etc. He didn't get chance too. As soon as I heard three bedroom doors close I went to town and let lose. All the rage went. She looked at hubby and said "Are you just going to stand there and let her talk to me like that?" Hubby responded with "Yea, I think so. If she crosses the line or says something that's unfair I'll tell her but, yea, she's a big girl, she can say what she likes." He also told her, after she spent time moaning to him about me, that if she made him chose, she would regret it and if she kept rubbing me up the wrong way she will be the one that loses out, I plan on being a SAHM so I won't require her babysitting services and if I don't get along with her, I won't go round with the child or allow her in my house. On our wedding day I over heard her saying to my friends that the marriage would be over in six months so I'm not surprised she is acting the way she is.

I was looking through all my wedding pictures (600-800) and found three of my MIL. She looks like shit on all of them and miserable as hell. Thing is, we were having such a brilliant time with my family that we didn't notice. Lol. It'll take time t look at them again but you will. It's not the same but, three months after our wedding my Mum died so it took a while to look at them but I did and you will too and you won't see how much of a bitch she was and how upset you were, you'll remember how it felt to see your hubby as you walked down the aisle, how it felt to put the ring on, to walk out as Mr and Mrs, cut the cake, etc. Just like I see a woman who was the image of health, not a woman who would die three month late because cancer took over every cell in her body. It will take time but you WILL get there. Just like I did.

And the next time your MIL says something or does something, make sure your fella stands up to her. Oh, and make sure he calls her to see how she's doing and stops by for a coffee. Weird I know but, she will never be able to say "You stop my son from seeing me." MIL hates that she can't say that to me and everything that make her miserable makes me ecstatic. I really envy my hubby though. He used to got to football matches with my Mum, he plays pool with my Dad and knew my sister before me and gets along fantastically with my sisters fiance. He struck the In-LAW jackpot and I got the boobie prize. Lol.

Hahaha! Your Hubby sounds like an awesome guy. Good for you for standing up for yourself.. I'm learning to do that. I used to be pretty spineless, but our marriage is something I will protect.
I too will be a SAHM so we won't need those services either.. that is a really good point to make with her.
I can't believe she said that to your FRIENDS. I think you might take nasty MIL of the year award. She sounds pretty cruel. I'm glad that we both have pictures of ruthless MILs ahhaha something I'm sure I will laugh at in time like you said.
As for your Mom.. I'm at a loss for words. I have lots most of my immediate family to cancer. It is a disease that has made me question my faith in the past. It seems to be the most wonderful, caring, loving, gentle people who have been diagnosed in my family and I am sure from the way you speak of her your Mom was just that way. I am very sorry for your loss and I commend you for being brave and using those pictures as a way to remember her in all that she was..beautiful and radiant and so proud of her daughter.
Your family sounds like mine.. my hubby hit the jackpot too. My Mom ADORES him and my extended family thinks he is the best man in the world, as do I, but I'm biased
Thank you for your encouragement. You've shown a great deal of strength and I believe I will be able to look at our beautiful pictures and not remember the bad part of the day..eventually. She made us an album full of pictures of her side of the family..and a few of us...and every picture she is in, go figure!
One thing about me is.. I refuse to let him neglect her because I know that just fuels the fire. He's always had one day a week where he talks to her and his brother and Dad and that will always remain. I have said once that I didn't want to go visit and he could just go, but he said he really didn't want to without me so I went and he didn't stand up for me. We talked about it and he said he would say something next time so I showed him a passage from a book about leaving and cleaving and I said that's our problem.. your Mom still thinks she rules the roost and she doesn't. This is our marriage and I am your wife and she needs to take a passenger seat in our lives. He said to me "I'm not going to sit down with my Mom and tell her frankly you(me) come first, you'll always be my Mom, but **** comes first because I think that's quite evident" and I said well you can't just assume she knows, she has a shi%*y marriage so she looks to you and your siblings for that emotional emptiness. I'm not saying he has to say anything exactly like that, but there may be a time when he needs to say something like hold on Mom, this is ****'s moment/birthday/child we'll let you know what we want to do. I refuse to let her take away that special time when our first baby is born or anything else for that matter. She managed to leave a scar on our wedding day and it's not going to happen again. I asked my hubby how he would feel if my Mom acted that way to him at the wedding and he said I guess the same. Funny thing is, no one would get away with treating him like that, I would be sure of it. So what I really need is for him to step up and not be "afraid" to hurt his Mother's feelings because mine are already hurt and noone's protecting me! And if/when I protect myself it's not going to be pretty...
Thanks again for your reply. It's always nice to hear from someone further down the healing line that it really just takes time.
Also, thanks for sharing with me about your Mom. I can't imagine how you feel, but here's a hugor two