Need to vent...

[wantababybump]

I just had a really good cry. I am just sooo upset right now I dont even know what to do with myself.
My BIL showed up not long ago for a little visit and told us he and his wife are pregnant. Im so excited for them...but yet I cant help but feel a little sad and a little jelous. They have only been married since August '08 and are already pregnant. This is only part of what upset me...
We were talking about money and finances etc and he said this is just going to be more money and more bills...seriously..wtf. I looked at him and told him that I would love more than anything to be spending some of our money on a baby. He told us "oh you should stop trying, thats what we did and we got pregnant"...They have only been trying for a couple months. I have been trying for over a year now with 2 miscarriages and have been married for almost 2 years.

I just hate when people talk like that...like its no big deal. If you stop trying everything will be fine and you will magically get pregnant. No, im sorry it doesnt work like that. Some people dont try and still dont get pregnant. People dont realize that you ovulate once a cycle and unless you have sex at the right times every month you likely arent going to catch that eggy. My cycles are effed, this last cycle was 46 days. Last cycle was like 34 or something like that before that was 28 I think. Anyways my cycles are so all over the place I just dont know when im going to ovulate...it could be the 15th (regular for a 28 day cycle for me) or I may not ovulate until cd32. So I end up having sex at the wrong time every month because every month is different for me. I tried not using opks, temping or really charting...I didnt like not doing it because my cycles are so messed up I have no idea what is going on with my body...makes me feel uneasy and I begin to panic and start to think maybe I should just give up.

People just dont understand the need, the longing, the "I will do anything for a baby". They think it will happen when it happens. What if it never happens? What if Im just not meant to have a baby? I have that longing for a baby, I cant help it. I cant help the way I feel...I was pregnant for 14 wks last time and got to see my baby on an ultrasound and at that moment I wanted that baby more than anything in the world. Then it was all shattered when at the emergency ultrasound they said her heart had stopped beating. I would never get to feel her move inside of me...I will never get to feel those kicks..yes when the time came I wouldnt want her to kick me in the ribs because it hurts but at this very moment I just want something in my belly jabbing my insides with their little feet.

I hate peoples comments...Im so down about it all and I just dont want to feel like this. I try so hard to be upbeat and to keep my mind off of it but when everyone I know around me is popping up pregnant and people who I would never have thought would be pregnant are...just hurts. I hurt. I just want to cry and cry. I want so much to be happy for everyone especially for my BIL and for my friends who are pregnant but inside im just hurting and longing for a baby of my own, but yet hiding it with a smile and a congratulations im so excited for you.

Sorry for the nonsense...just in a bit of a downer right now.

 

[Meli]

oh hun, I get how you feel. Lots of HUGS! You must believe that it will happen to you! Put that in your head. It might be a matter of months... one day you will hold your baby.

 

[JASMAK]

 

[TrixieLox]

We all know how you feel honey. I think something you said hits the nail on the head though: 'People just dont understand the need, the longing, the "I will do anything for a baby".'' They don't understand hon and that's why they say the things they do. if they walked a mile in our shoes, they wouldn't say all of that. I try to keep that in mind when people seem insensitive - they just don't understand. I try really hard to keep my love of human nature alive during this whole experience and know that people close to me would be mortified if they knew how much it hurt to hear them say the things they do. I think it's such a specific experience - to TTC with no luck for such a long time - that only WE can understand that. x

 

[Nathyrra]

Aww chick

I think we can all nod our heads in agreement to your frustration, There's nothing worse than fertile people telling you how YOU should get pregnant because it worked for them. It's a real sucker punch to the heart. They wont ever know how you feel, even if you tell them, they can't ever know your pain.

I think it's very hard also to take news like family pregnancy that takes no time at all to happen, we can't fathom it. The equality of it all. When you want something so much it -should- be possible to just wish it/work it to reality with willpower and patience.. It's unfair that this is one thing in life you can't make real just by your strength of will. It can soften the blow, but that's about it. It's the toughest pill to swallow. Something so out of your hands.

I hope you are feeling better soon chica, know there's always girls on this forum that will pick you up when you fall down, and shower you with the empathetic ear that you need to keep fighting the good fight for another day that might just be -the- day. x

 

[Ruthie1]

Hey Hun,

I really feel for you, and I know how it feels. All my DH's family just fall pregnant. As soon as they decide to have a baby - bam they are pg! It is so hard to just smile and nod and listen to all that advice , and it'll be you next, when all you want to do is scream and cry and stamp and shout!

All I can say is, my thoughts are with you and I wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you get your miracle very soon.

x x x x

 

[ariel]

I know the feeling all too well, we also tried for over a year. And when you share you story with people they have all the advice in the world on how to "fix" it. As if they know better than the health professionals. I even had someone tell me how to have sex, I mean really.

I think people don't know how to handle fertility problems and they want to say something that makes it better but often it makes it worse. It's similar to funerals I think, people say really dumb things to those who have lost someone.

Have you gone to see any doctor(s) about your irregular ovulating?

I hope that you get pregnant soon.

 

[wantababybump]

I have a doctors appt on March 2nd for a pap, so while I am there I am going to bring a list of all my cycles + ovulation dates, talk about everything going on with me and then we will go from there.

I hope you all get pregnant soon too!! We all deserve our bfps!! xx

 

[fairy1984]

sorry to see you're upset and having a bad day. I havent been on such a long and emotional journey as yours so cant fully appreciate that but I can complete relate to the longing for a baby and it being difficult so I just wanted to leave you some

we're always here for you to vent

 

[Redfraggle]

Good luck at the doctors on the 2nd. Demand that they do something!

 

[caline]

 

[Farie]

 

[MrsF]

sorry you're feeling crappy hun

i flew at my mother verbally today as she used the 'just relax,, then it'll happen, i don't know why you get so wound up about it' line' grrrrrrrrr. I don't think i have ever spoken to my mum as i did today...

i can understand in part your longing hun. I hope you feel stronger soon