rachjim98
I love my Family!!
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Hello everyone, my name is Rachael and my family and I have just went threw the loss of our little girl. We were 19+5 weeks when we found out we lost her, Rebecca Ann is what we named her. I am having a very hard time dealing with this and was amazed to find so many other people that have experienced this as well. So here is my story. I hope it can help someone else, as well as help me to talk about it.
On Tuesday November 18th 2008 we went in for our 20wk ultrasound. We go into the ultrasound room and the nurse was acting wierd she didnt turn the monitor my way or anything. She asked what Dr. I was seeing today, well I was under the impression this was just a u/s appointment I told her. She left the room for 10 minutes and came back with my Dr. He says how have you been feeling, has the baby been kicking? I was feeling fine tired but fine. I thought I had felt the baby softly but I had also brought that up in my last appointment I didnt feel her kick so much.
Then he turns the monitor our way and this is how he let us know. Well there is the spin looks like a train track and there is the chest and as you can see there is no heartbeat. Then he procedes to tell us that the baby was messuring between 18 and 19 wks ( I was 19 1/2 at the time) I didnt hear anything else, he could of told me the world was about to end and I think I would of took it better. We were then told we had to go to the hospital and be induced and decide what we wanted to have done with her remains.
Well I was ready to hurt everyone in that room we didnt even have a name yet and all the sudden I have to decide NO!! This wasnt supose to happen, I am healthy I have done this before (2 beautiful Kids 9yr old girl and 6yr old boy) WHY WHY WHY??? That is all I Icould hear in my head. My Husband holding my hand so softly but with a crack in his voice asked what do you mean, she hasnt had any cramping or bleeding what went wrong? But nobody has answers all they kept saying was we are sorry and it wasnt anything you did. Why do I feel like it was something I did or something I could of done to stop this from happening.
On Wednesday Nov 19th I went to the hospital to be induced and I had to sign this paper that said Fetal Demise Induction and I lost it.. as I am right now writing this. The nurse her name was Kim and she was wonderful, took me and Jim to the room. She told me they will be putting a purple flower on the door so everyone will know what is going on in the room. I was giving a pill on my cervics to help dialate me and given one to take by mouth as well.I was offered pain medacine if I would like.
Through out the day Kim would ask us questions on if we would like to hold the baby when she comes or them take her away clean her up then bring her back. Jim was against seeing the baby I think because he was scared ( he wont admit that). I wasnt sure what I wanted to do this was all so unreal to me. I just cant believe I am going thru this I cried alot of the time. Jim had to leave and go get our children from school so I was alone but Kim was a great help.
We live out of state from all our family so Jim had to bring our kids back to the hospital with him. I tell you what that hospital made us feel so comfortable and they even had a nureses assistant take our little ones in a sepreate room and took care of them while my husband and I was going thru this horrible time. I cant thank them enough for all the help and support the offered and gave.
At 8:30 pm I gave birth to our tiny little girl Sweet Rebecca, I looked over at Jim and he said she is so little he could see her, I tried to look but then the nurse covered her little body so all I seen was butt and legs. Jim cut the cord and the Dr. took her out of the room. Kim came back in about 20 minutes later and asked if I wanted to see her. YES I WANT TO SEE HER. I still wish I could have never let her go. They took pictures of Rebecca and she gave me the clothes she put her in. We also got footprints and the blanket she was put on to take the pictures. In the pictures you dont see her face just her little body, hands and feet. I got all of this in a purple keepsake box they gave us. We did tell our 9yr old that her little sister turned into a angel so now we have a little angel looking over us all the time.
That weekend we had her cremated and brought her home in a beautiful flowered urn. This is still so fresh, I go back this week to have my follow up and hopefuly they can tell me what went wrong. The Dr. at the hospital says it looks genetic her legs were not proportionate with the rest of her body. Everyone was helpful in thier way, but kept saying you have 2 beautiful kids. Yes well I love my kids and I loved this baby and I really wanted to have this baby. We will not be trying again, I have already made up my mind I cant go thru this again. I feel so empty my heart aches. We will count our blessings we have 2 happy and healthy kids and we now have a beautiful angel watching over us, we will meet again one day.
This is a very hard road to walk down and I wish that nobody ever had to walk this road. To all of us who have traveled this road I am truly sorry for all the pain that comes with this. May our angels fly together! Thanks for lisening to me.
On Tuesday November 18th 2008 we went in for our 20wk ultrasound. We go into the ultrasound room and the nurse was acting wierd she didnt turn the monitor my way or anything. She asked what Dr. I was seeing today, well I was under the impression this was just a u/s appointment I told her. She left the room for 10 minutes and came back with my Dr. He says how have you been feeling, has the baby been kicking? I was feeling fine tired but fine. I thought I had felt the baby softly but I had also brought that up in my last appointment I didnt feel her kick so much.
Then he turns the monitor our way and this is how he let us know. Well there is the spin looks like a train track and there is the chest and as you can see there is no heartbeat. Then he procedes to tell us that the baby was messuring between 18 and 19 wks ( I was 19 1/2 at the time) I didnt hear anything else, he could of told me the world was about to end and I think I would of took it better. We were then told we had to go to the hospital and be induced and decide what we wanted to have done with her remains.
Well I was ready to hurt everyone in that room we didnt even have a name yet and all the sudden I have to decide NO!! This wasnt supose to happen, I am healthy I have done this before (2 beautiful Kids 9yr old girl and 6yr old boy) WHY WHY WHY??? That is all I Icould hear in my head. My Husband holding my hand so softly but with a crack in his voice asked what do you mean, she hasnt had any cramping or bleeding what went wrong? But nobody has answers all they kept saying was we are sorry and it wasnt anything you did. Why do I feel like it was something I did or something I could of done to stop this from happening.
On Wednesday Nov 19th I went to the hospital to be induced and I had to sign this paper that said Fetal Demise Induction and I lost it.. as I am right now writing this. The nurse her name was Kim and she was wonderful, took me and Jim to the room. She told me they will be putting a purple flower on the door so everyone will know what is going on in the room. I was giving a pill on my cervics to help dialate me and given one to take by mouth as well.I was offered pain medacine if I would like.
Through out the day Kim would ask us questions on if we would like to hold the baby when she comes or them take her away clean her up then bring her back. Jim was against seeing the baby I think because he was scared ( he wont admit that). I wasnt sure what I wanted to do this was all so unreal to me. I just cant believe I am going thru this I cried alot of the time. Jim had to leave and go get our children from school so I was alone but Kim was a great help.
We live out of state from all our family so Jim had to bring our kids back to the hospital with him. I tell you what that hospital made us feel so comfortable and they even had a nureses assistant take our little ones in a sepreate room and took care of them while my husband and I was going thru this horrible time. I cant thank them enough for all the help and support the offered and gave.
At 8:30 pm I gave birth to our tiny little girl Sweet Rebecca, I looked over at Jim and he said she is so little he could see her, I tried to look but then the nurse covered her little body so all I seen was butt and legs. Jim cut the cord and the Dr. took her out of the room. Kim came back in about 20 minutes later and asked if I wanted to see her. YES I WANT TO SEE HER. I still wish I could have never let her go. They took pictures of Rebecca and she gave me the clothes she put her in. We also got footprints and the blanket she was put on to take the pictures. In the pictures you dont see her face just her little body, hands and feet. I got all of this in a purple keepsake box they gave us. We did tell our 9yr old that her little sister turned into a angel so now we have a little angel looking over us all the time.
That weekend we had her cremated and brought her home in a beautiful flowered urn. This is still so fresh, I go back this week to have my follow up and hopefuly they can tell me what went wrong. The Dr. at the hospital says it looks genetic her legs were not proportionate with the rest of her body. Everyone was helpful in thier way, but kept saying you have 2 beautiful kids. Yes well I love my kids and I loved this baby and I really wanted to have this baby. We will not be trying again, I have already made up my mind I cant go thru this again. I feel so empty my heart aches. We will count our blessings we have 2 happy and healthy kids and we now have a beautiful angel watching over us, we will meet again one day.
This is a very hard road to walk down and I wish that nobody ever had to walk this road. To all of us who have traveled this road I am truly sorry for all the pain that comes with this. May our angels fly together! Thanks for lisening to me.
words are fairly useless i'm sure, but i feel for you. take care of yourself and your wonderful family ...
i cant even imagine how much pain you must be in, my heart and tears go out to you.. Just try to hold on to your two other beautiful kids and look after yourself as your famil needs you.. Please pm me if you need a friend.. xxx
NOT SURE I WILL EVER UNDERSTAND THIS!
