Hi ladies,
So grateful to have found this message board. Since January of last year I've been using a different board, but made the decision to leave due to unnecessary drama.
A little background, I'm a 21 year old mommy to two angels lost to miscarriage. I got pregnant with my daughter my senior year of high school. Starting the school year pregnant was not exactly how I had imagined the year would kick off. I was lucky to have the support of my family, as well as the support of her daddy and his family. Anxiety soon turned to excitement and on October 6, 2006, we had an ultrasound at 16 weeks that confirmed suspicions that our baby was in fact a little girl. That whole week was perfect. Her daddy was visiting from out of state (not the most ideal situation) with his mom, we had gotten to find out the gender of our baby, and we kick started the fun process of shopping for our little princess. But five days later, on October 11, 2006, I started bleeding. Ultrasound in the ER confirmed that our daughter, Autumn Grayce, had no heartbeat. It was the most unimaginable thing. How could she be gone when we had seen her heart beating away, HEALTHY, on an ultrasound just five days prior?? Labor was induced, and I painfully gave birth to our sleeping angel that afternoon. It was hard to try and "get back to normal." I spent a long time trying to move forward, but what I've learned in the years since losing my daughter, the pain never really goes away completely; it dulls, but it's always there.
What I attribute most to my ability to keep moving forward after the loss of Autumn was meeting and falling in love with the most wonderful man I've ever had the privilege of knowing. We began dating in December of '06, and in August of '07, he proposed. I was barely 18, but I knew it was right. We planned a long engagement, and our families were ecstatic. I had a busy life, which helped ease the pain and keep my focus on the here and now. I was working full time for an EMS company, and was in school for my Paramedic license. On February 9, 2008, my world was rocked again. That morning was my first shift as a Paramedic; was supposed to be a good, exciting day. Until we were dispatched to an MVA involving a motorcycle. Pulling up on scene I remember being excited; my first trauma as a Paramedic. The firefighters came up to my partner and I, and tried keeping us from the patient. We were confused; we either needed to initiate treatment, or call time of death. Why weren't they letting us in? When I looked over and saw the mangled motorcycle, I instantly knew why; the victim was my fiance, and the firefighter's co-worker. It could not be happening, there was no way I would accept the fact that my fiance had died. We initiated treatment, even though there was nothing that could be done to save his life. I'm sure my partner went along with it just because I needed to say I did everything I could to try and save his life. The injuries were just too severe; crush injuries to the chest, head trauma despite the helmet, broken pelvis which meant internal bleeding, not to mention the facial injuries that made intubation nearly impossible. He was gone, and once again, my heart was broken.
I dealt with the death of my fiance much differently than I did grieving my daughter. After losing Autumn, talking things through really helped. But the second time around, grieving my fiance, I kept things bottled inside, and rarely talked about his death, or our life together before the accident. Only recently, probably in the last 6-9 months or so have I been more open about his life and death. It's amazing how grief is different for every situation.
After moving forward, I began a relationship in June of 2009 with a co-worker. We were on again, off again. In December of that year, I got a BFP. Despite being very nervous, I felt like this baby was undoubtedly my rainbow baby. I had no feeling, whatsoever, that this baby would not be coming home with me. From the beginning I had a feeling the baby was a boy. I started calling him Jamie, short for Jamison. The daddy was on board with the name, and was excited about the pregnancy. I had an ultrasound the first week of January, just before S left for the Border Patrol Academy in New Mexico. On January 9th, the unimaginable happened. I started bleeding, and I knew that it was over. I called my best friend who was in town from college, and asked her if she'd drive me to the ER. She refused because she had to drive back to school the next morning. I am still not over the fact that my best friend wouldn't help me during a moment of turmoil. I'd get on a plane to drive a friend to the hospital if I had to. Maybe it's just me. I ended up going to the ER alone, and it was confirmed on u/s that there was no heartbeat. How could this be happening again? I had a d&c the next morning, alone. I hadn't told my parents about the pregnancy, the daddy was unreachable, and my best friend had refused to come with me. I couldn't believe it. I was sent home with pain medication, and an empty womb.
Genetic testing results showed the baby was a girl. I had been wrong. Being wrong made me angry because it made me feel like a maternal failure. Aren't mothers supposed to 'just know'? Good thing Jamie was a unisex name. The testing also revealed, as it had with Autumn as well, that there were no genetic anomalies; both babies had been seemingly healthy. My doctor told me "sometimes these things just happen."
I grieve my daughters every day. Some days are better than others, but as I said, for me, the pain never really goes away. It's always under the surface, and can pop up and overwhelm me without warning. Jamie's 1 year angelversary just passed on the 9th. Hard to believe it's been a year already. Coming up next is the 3rd anniversary of my fiance's death on February 9th, Autumn's 4th Heavenly Birthday on March 23rd. Hard to believe that if the world were perfect I'd have a beautiful four year old daughter here with me.
I apologize for making this so long, but that's my story. I hope that I am able to meet as many wonderful women here as I did on the last board I belonged to.
Hugs to everyone
So grateful to have found this message board. Since January of last year I've been using a different board, but made the decision to leave due to unnecessary drama.
A little background, I'm a 21 year old mommy to two angels lost to miscarriage. I got pregnant with my daughter my senior year of high school. Starting the school year pregnant was not exactly how I had imagined the year would kick off. I was lucky to have the support of my family, as well as the support of her daddy and his family. Anxiety soon turned to excitement and on October 6, 2006, we had an ultrasound at 16 weeks that confirmed suspicions that our baby was in fact a little girl. That whole week was perfect. Her daddy was visiting from out of state (not the most ideal situation) with his mom, we had gotten to find out the gender of our baby, and we kick started the fun process of shopping for our little princess. But five days later, on October 11, 2006, I started bleeding. Ultrasound in the ER confirmed that our daughter, Autumn Grayce, had no heartbeat. It was the most unimaginable thing. How could she be gone when we had seen her heart beating away, HEALTHY, on an ultrasound just five days prior?? Labor was induced, and I painfully gave birth to our sleeping angel that afternoon. It was hard to try and "get back to normal." I spent a long time trying to move forward, but what I've learned in the years since losing my daughter, the pain never really goes away completely; it dulls, but it's always there.
What I attribute most to my ability to keep moving forward after the loss of Autumn was meeting and falling in love with the most wonderful man I've ever had the privilege of knowing. We began dating in December of '06, and in August of '07, he proposed. I was barely 18, but I knew it was right. We planned a long engagement, and our families were ecstatic. I had a busy life, which helped ease the pain and keep my focus on the here and now. I was working full time for an EMS company, and was in school for my Paramedic license. On February 9, 2008, my world was rocked again. That morning was my first shift as a Paramedic; was supposed to be a good, exciting day. Until we were dispatched to an MVA involving a motorcycle. Pulling up on scene I remember being excited; my first trauma as a Paramedic. The firefighters came up to my partner and I, and tried keeping us from the patient. We were confused; we either needed to initiate treatment, or call time of death. Why weren't they letting us in? When I looked over and saw the mangled motorcycle, I instantly knew why; the victim was my fiance, and the firefighter's co-worker. It could not be happening, there was no way I would accept the fact that my fiance had died. We initiated treatment, even though there was nothing that could be done to save his life. I'm sure my partner went along with it just because I needed to say I did everything I could to try and save his life. The injuries were just too severe; crush injuries to the chest, head trauma despite the helmet, broken pelvis which meant internal bleeding, not to mention the facial injuries that made intubation nearly impossible. He was gone, and once again, my heart was broken.
I dealt with the death of my fiance much differently than I did grieving my daughter. After losing Autumn, talking things through really helped. But the second time around, grieving my fiance, I kept things bottled inside, and rarely talked about his death, or our life together before the accident. Only recently, probably in the last 6-9 months or so have I been more open about his life and death. It's amazing how grief is different for every situation.
After moving forward, I began a relationship in June of 2009 with a co-worker. We were on again, off again. In December of that year, I got a BFP. Despite being very nervous, I felt like this baby was undoubtedly my rainbow baby. I had no feeling, whatsoever, that this baby would not be coming home with me. From the beginning I had a feeling the baby was a boy. I started calling him Jamie, short for Jamison. The daddy was on board with the name, and was excited about the pregnancy. I had an ultrasound the first week of January, just before S left for the Border Patrol Academy in New Mexico. On January 9th, the unimaginable happened. I started bleeding, and I knew that it was over. I called my best friend who was in town from college, and asked her if she'd drive me to the ER. She refused because she had to drive back to school the next morning. I am still not over the fact that my best friend wouldn't help me during a moment of turmoil. I'd get on a plane to drive a friend to the hospital if I had to. Maybe it's just me. I ended up going to the ER alone, and it was confirmed on u/s that there was no heartbeat. How could this be happening again? I had a d&c the next morning, alone. I hadn't told my parents about the pregnancy, the daddy was unreachable, and my best friend had refused to come with me. I couldn't believe it. I was sent home with pain medication, and an empty womb.
Genetic testing results showed the baby was a girl. I had been wrong. Being wrong made me angry because it made me feel like a maternal failure. Aren't mothers supposed to 'just know'? Good thing Jamie was a unisex name. The testing also revealed, as it had with Autumn as well, that there were no genetic anomalies; both babies had been seemingly healthy. My doctor told me "sometimes these things just happen."
I grieve my daughters every day. Some days are better than others, but as I said, for me, the pain never really goes away. It's always under the surface, and can pop up and overwhelm me without warning. Jamie's 1 year angelversary just passed on the 9th. Hard to believe it's been a year already. Coming up next is the 3rd anniversary of my fiance's death on February 9th, Autumn's 4th Heavenly Birthday on March 23rd. Hard to believe that if the world were perfect I'd have a beautiful four year old daughter here with me.
I apologize for making this so long, but that's my story. I hope that I am able to meet as many wonderful women here as I did on the last board I belonged to.
Hugs to everyone
i am so sorry for your losses
