New to LTTTC and feeling down

[snickersbar]

Hello

I did used to post on the regular ttc board last year and then took a break from things like opks and bbt (and the boards) as I was getting obessed but we were still trying. As we started trying to conceive in March 2012 (plus not trying not preventing for a year before that) I feel like I'd prefer to come here now- it's a bit too heartbreaking to see all the new people join and a month later get their bfp

Last month in desperation we bought a Clearblue fertility monitor and I really thought it might work, but lo and behold this morning af has arrived (and a day later than I was expecting just to tease with me). I've just sat here bawling my eyes out as I feel so down. I'm 33 this month and I'm so aware of the months and years ticking on. At this point I think all hope has gone, and I just don't think it is ever going to happen. I know other people try for a lot longer than me and get their bfps but saying that on a rational level doesn't help with the emotional level does it!

Anyway, I guess now is the point I have to admit defeat and see a doctor (which I have put off as I'm a bit scared of the doctor). Can anyone tell me what is likely to happen in the first appointment?

Sorry for the long post and thank you to anyone who read it.

 

[CaliDreaming]

Hi snickersbar, welcome to the LTTTC section, although I'm sorry you find yourself here. I felt the same way about the main TTC board. I've been TTC #2 since November 2011. Over the past few months I've gained so much knowledge about TTC, but still have no bfp to show for it all while some women who don't even know what an OPK is get pregnant without even really trying. I think I started to feel out of place at that board at around the six month mark!

At 33 you are still very young and will have lots of time to pursue all options. It's good that you've gone ahead and scheduled that first appointment with an RE. It's definitely not easy to face up to reality that something is wrong, but it's a huge step in the right direction.

Different docs do things differently, but the first appointment will likely be just talking about your medical history. Depending on the doc and where you are in your cycle, you may get some blood drawn for things like thyroid disease, etc. Some docs may want to do an ultrasound. Otherwise, you will have to schedule all those tests at a later date.

At CD3, you will get blood drawn to measure your FSH, estrogen, and AMH if you have not had it done already. During the first part of your cycle, you will need to have an HSG test done to check the status of your tubes. Your SO will have to get a SA.

The testing was the most difficult part of it for me. Waiting for the results is the worst because all kinds of worst case scenarios run through your mind.

A lot of times, you don't get a definitive "answer" about what is wrong. You just get a bunch of factors about what could be causing it. My doc was fond of throwing out statistics, and those put me in a very gloomy, hopeless state of mind. If there is no obvious cause for your troubles, then expect them to push IVF.

Once you've got all the testing out of the way, then you will get a game plan. If your HSG is good, you will probably be put on Clomid or some other fertility drug with monitored time intercourse or IUI. If it's abnormal, you will either have to have surgery if possible or straight to IVF. If it's a thyroid problem, then you'll have to get that under control first. If it's male factor, you will either have to do IUI, IVF, or hubby will have to see a urologist.

The testing usually takes about a month, and then depending on the results you can start trying again right away!

Good luck!

BTW, I have CBFM and I love it! It's so much more precise for me than the regular OPKs were. It doesn't work for some women, but for me I always O about 12 hours after getting my first peak. With the OPKs I was just never sure.

 

[dimps_]

Hi snickersbar


Great name by the way, I've enjoyed three snickers this week.....!


I know what you mean about feeling useless, ltttc is awful but I'm new to this forum and there's already people around cheering me up - plus I wouldn't get bitter if anyone here got a bfp, a friend or relative though and I'm an emotional wreck.


Regarding first appointments I had mine last year. I dunno if this is the norm but I had to go through sti tests first for some reason before I'd be referred to the specialist . I did these and went to my first appointment at the fertility specialist thinking it'd be a long talk and then an appointment months later. Instead I was scanned straight away and referred for a lap and dye which I thought was quite a speedy process!


Hope you're not feeling too down and get to enjoy the weekend, we've got some fab weather over the next two days xx

 

[snickersbar]

Hi CaliDreaming and dimps_

Thank you both for your replies. I honestly don't know whether I am brave enough and strong enough to go through the invasive tests, they sound so awful the thought of them terrifies me. CaliDreaming - over in the UK we don't book straight away with specialists we have to go and see our GP who then does tests and (I think) refers from there depending on results. I know what you mean about the wait - I can completely imagine lettings my thoughts go out of control on the panic front! Dimps_ - had you been trying for long before you got referred - that does sound quick compared to some of the stories you hear!

I completely agree that when you hear people who have been trying for a long time to conceive get their bfp you feel happy for them, it really is just all those people who seem to try for a couple of months and then pop up with the news they are pregnant. I'm happy for them as well but each time it just breaks my heart a bit more that all these people seem to find it so easy. I'm not on facebook and have pretty much dropped out of my old groups of friends because of everyone having children!

I'm afraid I've been a right horrid person today and taken my bad mood out on hubby who has had a day off so both of us have had a rubbish day I hate when that happens.

Anyway, thanks again for the replies. I hope both of you enjoy your weekends!

 

[CaliDreaming]

Well, see, you are a better person than me, because I am not happy for people who get their bfps easily anymore. On an intellectual level, yes, but in my heart I am cut to the core!

I even struggle when someone close to me gets an easy bfp. My brother announced that he and his wife were expecting their second child right after I found out my second Clomid cycle had failed and worse, that I would have to sit out the next cycle due to a cyst. I was completely butt hurt over it and still have to dig deep to pretend to be happy for them. The past few months have been torture because my dad is so excited over it and I hear about it every time he calls. I will just be happy when the baby gets here and they settle into a routine so I won't have my face rubbed in it at moments when I am feeling low about my own predicament.

I feel like such a horrible person for feeling this way, but after over 1.5 years I have come to accept I can't stop myself from having these feelings. I try to forgive myself for not being the person that can be happy for other's bfp successes, and do my best not to take my inner turmoil out on them. After all, it isn't their fault I can't conceive.

 

[snickersbar]

Trust me, I don't think I am a better person than you. I don't know anyone who could go through month after month of torture and still be totally 100% happy for everyone else who manages to have what they want and can't get. It's natural (I think) to feel resentful and bitter, although these are not nice feelings to have at all. I'm happy for people who get their bfp as I can imagine how happy they are, but no I don't want to hear about it, or see pictures or even think about it.

I also think it is worse when it is someone close to you, as the feelings will be mixed with guilt that you can't be happy for the person, when you so want to be. Don't beat yourself up about it, you are not a horrible person, you are just someone going through a tremendous amount of pain and stress.

Hugs x

 

[CaliDreaming]

Thanks so much for the hugs and kind words snickers. I feel so guilty all the time, so it really helps to hear when someone is going through the same thing and can relate!

This is why I hardly ever go to the other sections of the board anymore!

 

[snickersbar]

Honestly I completely understand about guilt; I feel guilty that my stupid body can't do what it's supposed to, I feel guilty that I take it out on my husband, I feel guilty that I walk down the street looking at people thinking "I bet they have kids" and feeling bitter about people I don't even know!!!

This whole situation has turned me into a crazy person.

 

[Melly Belly]

Last month in desperation we bought a Clearblue fertility monitor and I really thought it might work, but lo and behold this morning af has arrived (and a day later than I was expecting just to tease with me). I've just sat here bawling my eyes out as I feel so down. I'm 33 this month and I'm so aware of the months and years ticking on. At this point I think all hope has gone, and I just don't think it is ever going to happen. I know other people try for a lot longer than me and get their bfps but saying that on a rational level doesn't help with the emotional level does it!

Anyway, I guess now is the point I have to admit defeat and see a doctor (which I have put off as I'm a bit scared of the doctor). Can anyone tell me what is likely to happen in the first appointment?

Sorry for the long post and thank you to anyone who read it.

Hi! I'm also new to this area, and my journey sounds a lot like yours! We tried the Clearblue monitor for three boxes of test sticks (i got a really good deal on two of them) and i did do the obsessive testing/disappointment cycle every single time. Theyll probably get history from you at the first appointment, set you up for blood tests, do a progesterone (i think mine was a week after my period ended) and set your other half for a Semen analysis before doing anything else

i had my HSG in October/November last year, i was really nervous (and of course I had the Dr close to my age who was attractive, so the "so should we exchange numbers now that we are so intimately aquainted?" joke wouldn't have gone over well!) but really it was just mildly uncomfortable, and i had some bleeding about two days later, not even enough for a regular maxi's worth, and they gave me preliminary results right then and there, so i knew going out that it was likely my right tube was blocked...and then we found out about a month later after my DH's biopsy that we had a lack of swimmers as well

My ob/gyn kind of dashed my hopes when she said that she thought straight to IVF was our only option for having a child, and she referred me to a specialist, who didnt agree and so we are doing three more attempts for IUI with donor, and clomid as well to try to get a left side follicle to give up the goods..our first attempt was just IUI with blind faith that mayyyybe the left was ovulating..so i have my fingers crossed that one of these will be our lucky shot, because there is no way we could afford 7K for IVF (and thats after my insurance pays 50%!) and ill take that 10% risk of twins...

ive gotten to the point where i went through and changed my facebook settings so that friends that are pregnant dont show as often in my news feed...sure, im happy for them, but in the back of my mind my thoughts are more along the lines of "reallly? you have three already..and heres us struggling for just one.."

Its hard some days to get up and not beat myself into the ground and just give up and go on eternal birth control so that I never have to get a period again to remind me "oh hey, btw you're not pregnant again..have some cramps and nausea with that...okay bye.."..so if you need someone to chat with, definitely this is the place to come...I havent been around much in the past year, but i had to get to the place in my mind where i wasnt quite so mad at higher powers for all of these roadblocks and some to terms with everything..so for you, and for all of us

 

[snickersbar]

Hi Melly Belly, I'm so sorry to hear how hard it has been for you. I really really hope that your next IUI works.

I understand what you mean about going back on birth control. I keep thinking maybe I should just stop, I just want to go back to how I used to be and enjoy my life without this hanging over me.

OH has already had doctors appointment where they took blood sample, and then he will go back for sperm sample. I'm back to thinking 'well I'll just see what happens this cycle and then book a doctors appointment next month if this is a no'. I think the thing is that as well as really dreading the physical tests, I just don't want to know if something is wrong.

xx

 

[tommyg]

Hi Snickersbar

First thing to remember is very NHs area policy is different. Go to your GP who will probably run some bloods to see if there is something obvious going on that they can deal with. Then they will ask your OH to go to his own GP for a seamen analysis, DH gives you a copy of his results and they get sent of to the Fertility Specilist along with your results.

FS will probably have a first appointment which if like mine will be with the nurses who will check both your medical history, BMI, run more bloods and you will have internal ultrasound, it's no worse than a smear test.

DH then had to do another SA

We has another appointment where they recommend a HSG for me where they basically put dye through your tubes and X-ray.

My next appointment is tomorrow I hope to find out how they are going to treat / help me.

My GP referred me 11 months ago, I had hoped this would only be my emergency back up plan not thinking I would actually need it, almost wishing we'd bitten the bullet and gone private 6 months ago, ESP as one of the local private clinics would want to re-run all of our tests, at a cost of course.

 

[cali_kt]

Hi there! Just wanted to say hello. I just joined LTTTC board. Good luck as this journey morphs into the endless tests. The exciting part is that it can be a turning point for some. Glad you joined in! And lots of luck!

 

[vietmamsie]

Hi! I am new as well! While looking for a few new threads to join, I realized it was time to lead over into the LTTTC area, as I am the last woman standing on most of mine from the TTC forums and the TTCAL forums. Don't worry, you are not alone. There have been many a tear shed in our household as well. LTTTC is not for the faint of heart. Stay strong. I have hope that we will ALL get our babies one way or another.

Calidreaming: not sure if you remember me, we were on an acu thread a while back. How are things? Are you still going to acu? I am actually thinking of returning after such a long time away.

 

[CaliDreaming]

Hi vietmamsie!!!! So good to "see" you again, but sorry you have to be here.

I quit going to acu a few months ago and good thing I did because I just had a lap and hysteroscopy which uncovered some issues that acu would not have helped. I'd like to resume it now that I've gotten it all resolved in the surgery, but now I'm so broke after paying for the surgery and treatments that I can't afford it now. The end of the road for me TTCwise is coming soon if the surgery did not do the trick, so I'm starting to look into adoption.

 

[vietmamsie]

Cali: Wow, I really hope the surgery works for you! If not, than adoption would be wonderful! Sending positive vibes your way!

 

[tommyg]

I should update, yesterdays appointment was a turning point and I'm quite happy to be going forward with drugs to help me ovulate, and a back up plan of IUI should the drugs not do the trick.
I guess being here is slightly easier to accept if you've been aware of irregular cycles (4-12wks for me) and you kind of expect to need a helping hand at some point.

 

[snickersbar]

Hi, update from me as well. OH got his blood test results back and nothing scary on there so next step for him is sperm sample. He said that doctor is really nice (new surgery for both of us) and reassuring. He told her we had been trying for two years (we aven't but typical man has no idea) and she said that it was not unusual for couples to take upto 2.5 years - I had been panicking that she was going to say that there was definitely a problem in that case and I should go in asap. We are going to wait and see what happens with his test and then I will go in next month.

Tommyg - I had been looking at private as well. We don't really have the money but I had been concerned about seeing an NHS doctor (for various reasons I just feel that a lot of the time the NHS bully patients into things and when you are scared of seeing a doctor that's not very helpful). I'm glad you got a treatment plan that you are happy with and really hope that it works for you! xxx

CaliDreaming - adoption is definitely something I would consider if I couldn't have children but I hope that the surgery has worked for you and you get your bfp. x

 

[tommyg]

Once you get the inital tests done your GP is likely to refer you. You are doing the right thing getting the inital tests and the referal as esp on the NHS it takes it's time to get anywhere but of course you can still TTC the old fashioned way during that time.

Don't be scared of Docs yes they have a habit of treating your body like its routine. A bit like a car machanic, it squeeks we'll try oiling it, to a Doc you are no different, your ovaries aren't great here's some drugs that might help!