Newly pregnant and father has walked away

[castlerock]

Not sure what I'm looking for here - maybe just some moral support. I met a seperated man last year and fell totally in love. He said all the usual things - that I was the love of his life, that we wanted to marry me when he could and that I was the only way he'd be truly happy. We also decided that we'd see where things took us where having kids were concerned - I'm 44 so it wasn't a definite but we wanted to try.

We worked in different cities so mostly it was a weekend thing and we'd either stay at this flat or my house by the coast.

I knew he was going back to his old home to see the kids but about 3 weeks ago I got a call from what I thought was his ex wife to say that I was having an affair since Sept last year. He didn't even have the nerve to talk to me and she told me to stay away. I did but since then he kept ringing a mutual friend and saying that he still wanted me and wanted me to wait. Just as I thought he was saying yet more lies I found out I was pregnant. And guess what - he didn't even come to see me.

Once again his wife took total control - said he wanted nothing to do with it and would support financially but only if a paternity test was done. Since then I've been in bits and I've only just started to feel even a little bit rational. He's since emailed me to say he will love and cherish the baby and that for the sake of the baby we'll have to rebuild our relationship to give it the love and support it needs. He also wants to keep in contact

At the moment I don't want him around as it will cause me too much pain and I know I have to do all I can to get through the 12 week mark.

The scary thing is I know I'll have to go through all the tests on my own - maybe you get stronger but at the moment it doesn't feel it.

If everything goes ok and I so hope it does I know I'll have to swallow my pride and let him see the baby but I just don't know if I can trust him.

The worst bit is I'd given up my job to be closer to him so I'm left without a job for the duration of the pregnancy and then I'll probably have to move away to get a decent job to support us. There aren't that many great jobs where I'm going to have the baby

What a mess - some good news stories would be great.

 

[mamashakesit]

Hi...so sorry to hear this. I've gotten involved with a master liar myself and while it's not the same situation, I know how hard it is to be the victim of someone else's selfishness and lies. It sounds like this is your first? For me too, which makes it even more scary, doesn't it?

I just continue to keep my head focused on my baby. I'm almost halfway there now, but I spent a lot of my first few weeks pregnant looking for my crib and changing table and sorting through baby clothes some friends gave me. Gave me something to get excited about and took my mind off him.

I feel the same way about my situation...a freaking MESS of giant proportions. In the last couple of days, his crazy girlfriend has gotten a hold of my phone number and has told me she's going to choke the life out of me, she's happy I'm pregnant, so she can beat both me and the baby and that she's pregnant too. (Still working on figuring out if that one is true. I hope to hell not.)

Keep your chin up and your mind focused on your baby...it's still exciting, even without that jackass around! The other girls on here tell me being pregnant is the tough part and after that is a gift ;o) Good luck and keep in touch!

 

[frankyzw]

The good news is that there's always light at the end of the tunnel especially when your LO comes. It's hard at first but focus on the life you want for you and your baby. With time you'll feel better and stronger about everything. So many women here have gone thru that and come out winners...with or without FOBs

 

[castlerock]

Just to say thanks so much for the responses - I'd never actually joined anything like this before but the support it brings is great. Makes you realise that there are people out there going through the same thing or even worse and everyone gets through it in one way or another. I wish everyone luck - as you say what comes out of it will be great.

 

[lulu35]

im just newly pregnant and i have 3 girls all primary age (from a previous relationship), my oh walked out last tues after a stupid arguement and i just found out today that he is back with his ex-wife!!...now i know that everything he said was a lie and i feel like such a fool for believing him...this is so the last thing i needed right now....im sure all will work out for you just concentrate on your baby, xx

 

[whoops]

Sorry to hear both of your situations! The FOB of mine has walked away as well, and asked that we cut contact to a minimum. It's tough but I know I'll get through it, and at the end of the day, he's the one that will lose out. I'm going to have a child that I will love more than anything else in the world. He's denying himself that and will have to live with the knowledge that he abandoned us.

The support on here has been brilliant! Best of luck to both of you! xx

 

[EmyDra]

It's sad to hear your story, you're very brave and what men do sometimes is just beyond unacceptable.

My ex, when I told him about the baby, basically said he was only interested in staying with me if I had an abortion (which is illegal in N. Ireland) and he offered to pay for my flights to get it. Mortified. How can you treat a life like that?

I can now say I am happier without him in every aspect of life - but it's a big thing. I hope your family are giving you lots of hugs and being supportive - my parents are fantastic.

 

[Surreal]

I'm sorry for your situation, Castlerock, and oddly I am able to relate really well to this situation -- fell for a man who told me he was divorcing his wife, and separating... only to find out none of it was true, and that his wife was oblivious to her husband's transgressions the entire time.

Coincidentally this all took place after I found myself suddenly pregnant... and, then he decided to confess everything to his wife. I essentially got fed to the dogs, after that I decided to cut all contact from him, for my sake, his wife's sake, and my future child's sake. It's not the type of person I want being an influence on my child... the whole fiasco was an incredible joke, and incredibly sad for a man who's full intent was just to mess around. -.-

I was really broken about it, at first... but, keep reminding yourself every day you'll get through it, and each step at a time, you'll get stronger. A part of me never thought I would get to the point I am now, but I'm glad to have finally made it and oddly... I feel more at peace now that I've kept my distance. I can focus on me, and my child... and leave his philandering in my past, where it belongs.

As warning, from personal experience... I got fed being told he "still loved me deeply", even after everything.... In the end, how can he? He is with someone else, he is /staying/ with someone else? It's hollow words from a man who's too despicable to man up and handle the situation like he should. Instead he mullifies you and himself by telling you that... He's already filled you full of lies, why trust him an inch further? Cut ties, wash your hands clean, and call it a day.

If you need someone to talk to, who's been there(And may still be, depending on how much he tries to enforce involvement with my unborn child)... your welcome to PM me.

Addenum: I know it's difficult to do the tests on your own... if you have some close friends, or maybe even your mother who's close at hand? Make them a birthing partner, and take them with you to doctor's appointments. My mom was insistent in being mine when we figured FOB wouldn't be involved, and it just seemed to make those tests and appointments easier, with the moral support close at hand. Just a suggestion.

 

[Mommi2Be]

I'm so sorry to hear about everyone's stories, but at the same time I'm so happy to know that I am not alone!

I was deeply in love with the father of my baby-to-be... who was separated, and supposedly filing for divorce. Now, within the past two weeks, all that has changed. He's gone back to her. He lives with her. He admitted he sleeps in bed with her. And I'm alone.

 

[BeautifulD]

Ugh men can be such dogs....
I have been with a man that had a degree in telling lies, he told me that he was seperated from the mother of his children and had been for four years, he works down here for two weeks then goes home and has the children for the only weekend he has off.... it just so happens he wasn't seperated and never had been and was about to get married!! fortunately I wasn't in the sittuation where a bubba was conserned BUT it broke me nonetheless. good luck ladies