Newly single Mum of a 2 year old...any advice

[angelic_one]

So my ex walked out on me and my 2 year old daughter in March, for basically no reason at all, the relationship was fine he just got a bit bored. It's been hard to deal with but I'm getting there now. But when it comes to my daughter it's just heartbreaking. He's forcing me to be a part time Mum. I want her, all day every day, even going to work is too much time away from her and now he wants to take more time.

The problem is that he wants to be as close to 50:50 parenting as possible. He agrees that I'm her primary carer but he wants her at least 3 nights a week. I don't want this because I want to be with her! I want to be her Mum and I never asked for any of this! I'd be willing to let him have her maybe 2 nights, but the other problem is that I have a new job in September and could do with moving about 30 minutes away, which would then be an hour from his work. If that was the case he would want her to go to 2 different nurseries, 1 where he is and 1 where I am so he could still have her during the week, but that wouldnt be acceptable to me because it would mess up her routine too much. So the only option would be every other weekend which he wouldn't be happy with and then he would probably take me to court and want full custody. I don't want to block him out of her life I just want what's best for her. What would happen if he tried to take her away? Can he demand to have her half the time?

 

[Dezireey]

Hello hun xx

Highly recommend you see a mediator or consult with a solicitor to draft out some sort of plan of access / custody. I'm not 100% sure but a father that just walks out on his kid and the mother of his child for no reason, other than being bored would not be given such free rein to have your child as and when he pleases. Do you have any record of him actually saying he was 'bored' or words to that effect? e.g a text or e-mail? If you do, great that will be good evidence to show the courts (if it gets that far) that he is being irresponsible.

In all fairness, if he has been a good Dad up until this point, such as providing for your child and taking on a lot of responsibility etc then he will be given some access rights. I think he is being highly unreasonable though under the circumstances and he should basically agree to your wishes. As long as you are not preventing him from seeing his child at all, he should accept the fact that he chose to walk, not you, therefore you hold all the cards. Don't let him bully you into agreeing to something you don't like. Speak to someone professionally and get an agreement between the two of you in writing. If he sticks his heels in and makes all these demands and won't budge, I'm afraid you will have to take it to the courts and tell him that is what you will do.

 

[angelic_one]

Thank you that helps so much. It's so difficult to know whether or bot I'm being unreasonable because he keeps telling me I am and that 'Dad's always get screwed over' I'm like erm, no the people who walk dont get their own way. I dont think I do have anything like that it's just what he said to me. I could get witness statements from mutual friends who he went to stay with. I am keeping a log of times he has let her down, been late or lied to me about where she is or who with. I want to work it out between us because hes always been a good Dad but I am worried I will give too much. I feel,like I should be grateful he wants to see her and I am, I just dont want him to take her away!

 

[Dezireey]

Thank you that helps so much. It's so difficult to know whether or bot I'm being unreasonable because he keeps telling me I am and that 'Dad's always get screwed over' I'm like erm, no the people who walk dont get their own way. I dont think I do have anything like that it's just what he said to me. I could get witness statements from mutual friends who he went to stay with. I am keeping a log of times he has let her down, been late or lied to me about where she is or who with. I want to work it out between us because hes always been a good Dad but I am worried I will give too much. I feel,like I should be grateful he wants to see her and I am, I just dont want him to take her away!

Good god no, you are not being unreasonable, so don't ever think that. I know relationships are hard and no-one is advocating that he should just stay in a relationship with you if he didn't want to. But walking away doesn't just mean walking away from you, he has walked away from his child also in one sense. I think it works both ways. If you were the one who e.g said 'sorry, nope, I am bored of being a Mum, you can now look after the baby now......but hell yeah I am gonna lay down the rules of when I see her/how often and for how long mmmmm kay?' Then you would expect the father to say 'no way!'

So try to see it from another perspective and you can see how he needs to back off and accept the fact that he walked, therefore he does not dictate to you when he can and cannot see his kid and make demands like 50:50 access. Wouldn't life be great if we could all walk away from our responsibilities yet keep playing house and have all the best bits as and when we wanted with our kids? It doesn't work like that and he needs to accept that reality. Dad's don't always get screwed over, they seem to think that because they don't want to be in the 'relationship' anymore they can just be the same Dad they were before, they can't. Little ones need to be with their Mothers for most of the time, its basic instincts and ensures species survival.

Stick to your guns, be strong and be totally reasonable with him and show him that you will not budge and whilst your LO is this small, she needs to be with her Mummy for the majority of the time. When she is a lot older and can make more decisions for herself, she can spend more time with Daddy.