Stillhermom
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I lost my beloved baby Friday October 9th.
I am a nurse so I accept the fact that when you lose a baby in the first trimester it is usually due to a chromosomal issue.... it doesn't make the pain any easier but I accept it. For any woman to have to lose a baby is just tragic but I feel like mine is even worse then normal and has added elements that have made it cruel and unusual punishment.
First my miscarriage story.
At 7 weeks I had some spotting at work and freaked out. I called the doc and the first question they asked "did you have sex within the last 24 hours?" A huge weight of relief was lifted when I said yes. I had completely forgot we had sex the night before in the panic of seeing blood. They said it was completely normal and happens a lot but they would run some labs just to make sure. I Had my blood drawn that day. They called later with my blood work my hcg was 22,050 which was great they said however my progesterone was low 12 so they called me in progesterone pills to start taking. The spotting turn out to only last for an hour and was super super light just when I wiped I felt so much better. I knew the first hcg meant nothing without the second one 3 days later to compare it to make sure it was increasing but I wasn't to worried since the sex justified the little spotting I had. They said I could keep working no need for bed rest I should be fine. My family kept saying what a blessing it was that I had the spotting because else I would have never known my progesterone was low and that now we probably caught it in time and that it was a blessing in disguise! I had the second hcg done Friday but had to wait till Monday to find out the results since it was the weekend. They went up but just barely they were now 22,950 no where near the increase that they should be. They said they needed to do a fetal viability ultrasound to see if the baby was still alive or not. And they wouldn't be able to get me in till the end of the next day. Me and my fiancé cried all day just devastated. Finally the next day we went in and low and behold there was a heart beat. They even told me it was a very strong heartbeat! I said what about my hcg not rising the tech shrugged and said I've seen people who's hcg has even dropped and the baby turned out fine. It's been a week since the bleeding and there's still a heartbeat! Once there's a heartbeat we go by that not hcg. I was 8 weeks 2 days along the ultrasound said I was 6 weeks 2 days. I said that's not possible something is wrong the baby is not growing like it should she said lots of ppl are off by their dates or just had late implantation don't worry. I knew something was wrong but they convinced me everything was ok and weird things happen and I had a heartbeat. Go home you're fine we will do a repeat ultrasound in 2 weeks. Was on the progesterone so of course I still felt very pregnant that stuff is just awful. Went back for the next ultrasound and I knew the min I saw the screen the baby was gone. I didn't see a heartbeat and could tell instantly it was the same size. My fiancé isn't in the medical field so he was just beaming at the picture on the screen so happy and proud and felt completely blindsided. The doctor was really quiet and just taking measurements instead of being happy and saying oh here's your baby I said to her there's no heartbeat is there? Praying I was wrong, she said no. She got a second doctor to confirm fetal demise. I was 9 weeks 5 days but the baby was still measuring at 6 weeks 3 days even tho it's heart continued to beat half way into my 8th week of pregnancy.
They gave me 3 options let it pass naturally, do cytotec, or d&c. I couldn't do the natural because what if it happened during a 12 hour work shift. And she said the d&c would possibly leave scarring so I went with cytotec. They gave me nothing for pain and told me to expect some mild cramping and a very heavy period where you won't want to leave the bathroom because you might be soaking through a pad every half hour but the heavy bleeding would only be a hour or two anything longer and go to the hospital because of possible hemorrhage. I was in shock and crying to much to ask questions or think about pain. But once I got home I was able to process more and called about something for pain the office was closed and with the new law doctors can't call in narcotic prescriptions you need a physical written script not even a fax will do. She said it should just be period cramps and to take ibuprofen and if the pain is unbearable go to the ER. I took the 1st dose at 1:30 2 tablet 200mg each vaginally. Had some cramping a little worse then a period took some ibuprofen and was ok. 4 hours later took the second dose. The cramps got worst had some old percoset from a old surgery took two of them and was able to manage. 3 hours later all hell broke lose. This was not cramps this was full blown labor with contractions and everything! I Was in complete unbearable agony crying from the pain. Then my water broke! I didn't even know I had water to break at 9 weeks but a huge gush of watery fluid came pouring out. Made the contractions even worse! Now they weren't spaced out it was just continuous for 2 hours. Just when I was about to break and go to the ER because I couldn't bare the pain any longer I passed a golf ball size clot of what looked like my baby and placenta. I thought I was done I sat in the shower and cried and let the water run on my stomach to help the mild cramping I was having. All of a sudden more stuff starts coming out in the shower. Fragments and what looked like skeletal parts of my baby that were too big to go down the drain just sat in the tub with me. My fiancé kept trying to pick up the piece of our baby that didn't go down the drain so I didn't have to see it. It was the worst thing I have ever been through and I wish that on no one. And after all that pain with the cytotec it looks like I still may need a d&c because I'm still having so much stomach pain 5 days later. I was suppose to have a follow up in two weeks but they called me today saying I needed to come in this afternoon because I might not have passed everything :/
I sadly accept that it was natures way of saying something was wrong. But that's not why it feels like cruel and unusual punishment. It's the circumstances in my life that have just made this lost one cruel sick joke as if the lost itself wasn't traumatic enough.
First off my fiancé and I were suppose to get married this coming up may 2016. We spent a lot of time planning what we wanted and had the perfect venue and were ecstatic! Then surprise we found out August 31st we were pregnant with a due date of May our wedding date!
We were over joyed to be having a baby. We were sad at the thought of losing our "perfect" wedding that we spent so much time dreaming and planning but what ever sadness we felt about losing our dream wedding our baby made up for. We just kept looking at the big picture our beautiful precious baby. So we cancelled our dream venue and spent thousands of dollars to speed up this wedding got a new venue that we weren't thrilled with but they were able to fit us in for a Christmas wedding for a pretty penny of course. So loss of my dream wedding only to find out later my baby was dead was dagger #1
But that hurt didn't compare to dagger #2. What I didn't mention was the same day I found out I was pregnant was the same day my sister and best friend in the whole wide world found out she was pregnant too. I mean seriously what are the odds to have the same due date as your sister. Sure some ppl get pregnant maybe months apart but this was the same due date! We would talk for hours some days just giddy like school girls about our pregnancies and how our kids would be able to grow up like siblings instead of cousins. Which makes moving on even harder because every birthday her child has I will think of what should have been my child's birthday as well. But I think her due date will be the hardest. She's the person I talk to about everything and is the one I go to for advice and now every time I look at her and see her pregnant belly it physically kills me inside. The one person I need more then ever I can't stand to be around.
Dagger #3 I'm a nurse. In the summer I accepted a transfer to be a OB Nurse. I hadn't even gotten pregnant when I accepted the offer and since there was a shortage at the hospital I had to wait 3 months to finally transfer to OB. This was my dream job and was the reason I went to nursing school and became a nurse to deliver and work with babies. I was so excited to be pregnant and working in OB. After my first week on OB is when I had my miscarriage. So now my dream job is also a constant reminder of what I lost. I feel like I'm am surrounded by pregnant people and just can't breathe. I watched 2 different babies be born addicted to drugs and had to give them little syringes of morphine to help them withdrawal. They were perfectly healthy beautiful babies. They would have to spend the next 6 weeks in the pediatric unit until they could fully get off the morphine safely but they were healthy. And I didn't even drink a sip of coffee and my baby is dead?
I know any miscarriage would be extremely painful but I just feel like if it had to happen why couldn't it be the next pregnancy not this one then I would have my sister to talk to and not have had the same due date as her. And if I could of miscarried my next pregnancy instead of this one the lost of my dream wedding and thousands of dollars would have been ok because we would have had our baby in the end and that meant more then the wedding. Now it just seems like the memories of my wedding will be a rushed disaster all centered around this baby we loved sooooo much who we changed everything for and then she's dead?? The timing of everything is just cruel. Why did it have to happen this way and with my sister having the same due date. I just feel so empty inside without my baby...
I am a nurse so I accept the fact that when you lose a baby in the first trimester it is usually due to a chromosomal issue.... it doesn't make the pain any easier but I accept it. For any woman to have to lose a baby is just tragic but I feel like mine is even worse then normal and has added elements that have made it cruel and unusual punishment.
First my miscarriage story.
At 7 weeks I had some spotting at work and freaked out. I called the doc and the first question they asked "did you have sex within the last 24 hours?" A huge weight of relief was lifted when I said yes. I had completely forgot we had sex the night before in the panic of seeing blood. They said it was completely normal and happens a lot but they would run some labs just to make sure. I Had my blood drawn that day. They called later with my blood work my hcg was 22,050 which was great they said however my progesterone was low 12 so they called me in progesterone pills to start taking. The spotting turn out to only last for an hour and was super super light just when I wiped I felt so much better. I knew the first hcg meant nothing without the second one 3 days later to compare it to make sure it was increasing but I wasn't to worried since the sex justified the little spotting I had. They said I could keep working no need for bed rest I should be fine. My family kept saying what a blessing it was that I had the spotting because else I would have never known my progesterone was low and that now we probably caught it in time and that it was a blessing in disguise! I had the second hcg done Friday but had to wait till Monday to find out the results since it was the weekend. They went up but just barely they were now 22,950 no where near the increase that they should be. They said they needed to do a fetal viability ultrasound to see if the baby was still alive or not. And they wouldn't be able to get me in till the end of the next day. Me and my fiancé cried all day just devastated. Finally the next day we went in and low and behold there was a heart beat. They even told me it was a very strong heartbeat! I said what about my hcg not rising the tech shrugged and said I've seen people who's hcg has even dropped and the baby turned out fine. It's been a week since the bleeding and there's still a heartbeat! Once there's a heartbeat we go by that not hcg. I was 8 weeks 2 days along the ultrasound said I was 6 weeks 2 days. I said that's not possible something is wrong the baby is not growing like it should she said lots of ppl are off by their dates or just had late implantation don't worry. I knew something was wrong but they convinced me everything was ok and weird things happen and I had a heartbeat. Go home you're fine we will do a repeat ultrasound in 2 weeks. Was on the progesterone so of course I still felt very pregnant that stuff is just awful. Went back for the next ultrasound and I knew the min I saw the screen the baby was gone. I didn't see a heartbeat and could tell instantly it was the same size. My fiancé isn't in the medical field so he was just beaming at the picture on the screen so happy and proud and felt completely blindsided. The doctor was really quiet and just taking measurements instead of being happy and saying oh here's your baby I said to her there's no heartbeat is there? Praying I was wrong, she said no. She got a second doctor to confirm fetal demise. I was 9 weeks 5 days but the baby was still measuring at 6 weeks 3 days even tho it's heart continued to beat half way into my 8th week of pregnancy.
They gave me 3 options let it pass naturally, do cytotec, or d&c. I couldn't do the natural because what if it happened during a 12 hour work shift. And she said the d&c would possibly leave scarring so I went with cytotec. They gave me nothing for pain and told me to expect some mild cramping and a very heavy period where you won't want to leave the bathroom because you might be soaking through a pad every half hour but the heavy bleeding would only be a hour or two anything longer and go to the hospital because of possible hemorrhage. I was in shock and crying to much to ask questions or think about pain. But once I got home I was able to process more and called about something for pain the office was closed and with the new law doctors can't call in narcotic prescriptions you need a physical written script not even a fax will do. She said it should just be period cramps and to take ibuprofen and if the pain is unbearable go to the ER. I took the 1st dose at 1:30 2 tablet 200mg each vaginally. Had some cramping a little worse then a period took some ibuprofen and was ok. 4 hours later took the second dose. The cramps got worst had some old percoset from a old surgery took two of them and was able to manage. 3 hours later all hell broke lose. This was not cramps this was full blown labor with contractions and everything! I Was in complete unbearable agony crying from the pain. Then my water broke! I didn't even know I had water to break at 9 weeks but a huge gush of watery fluid came pouring out. Made the contractions even worse! Now they weren't spaced out it was just continuous for 2 hours. Just when I was about to break and go to the ER because I couldn't bare the pain any longer I passed a golf ball size clot of what looked like my baby and placenta. I thought I was done I sat in the shower and cried and let the water run on my stomach to help the mild cramping I was having. All of a sudden more stuff starts coming out in the shower. Fragments and what looked like skeletal parts of my baby that were too big to go down the drain just sat in the tub with me. My fiancé kept trying to pick up the piece of our baby that didn't go down the drain so I didn't have to see it. It was the worst thing I have ever been through and I wish that on no one. And after all that pain with the cytotec it looks like I still may need a d&c because I'm still having so much stomach pain 5 days later. I was suppose to have a follow up in two weeks but they called me today saying I needed to come in this afternoon because I might not have passed everything :/
I sadly accept that it was natures way of saying something was wrong. But that's not why it feels like cruel and unusual punishment. It's the circumstances in my life that have just made this lost one cruel sick joke as if the lost itself wasn't traumatic enough.
First off my fiancé and I were suppose to get married this coming up may 2016. We spent a lot of time planning what we wanted and had the perfect venue and were ecstatic! Then surprise we found out August 31st we were pregnant with a due date of May our wedding date!
We were over joyed to be having a baby. We were sad at the thought of losing our "perfect" wedding that we spent so much time dreaming and planning but what ever sadness we felt about losing our dream wedding our baby made up for. We just kept looking at the big picture our beautiful precious baby. So we cancelled our dream venue and spent thousands of dollars to speed up this wedding got a new venue that we weren't thrilled with but they were able to fit us in for a Christmas wedding for a pretty penny of course. So loss of my dream wedding only to find out later my baby was dead was dagger #1
But that hurt didn't compare to dagger #2. What I didn't mention was the same day I found out I was pregnant was the same day my sister and best friend in the whole wide world found out she was pregnant too. I mean seriously what are the odds to have the same due date as your sister. Sure some ppl get pregnant maybe months apart but this was the same due date! We would talk for hours some days just giddy like school girls about our pregnancies and how our kids would be able to grow up like siblings instead of cousins. Which makes moving on even harder because every birthday her child has I will think of what should have been my child's birthday as well. But I think her due date will be the hardest. She's the person I talk to about everything and is the one I go to for advice and now every time I look at her and see her pregnant belly it physically kills me inside. The one person I need more then ever I can't stand to be around.
Dagger #3 I'm a nurse. In the summer I accepted a transfer to be a OB Nurse. I hadn't even gotten pregnant when I accepted the offer and since there was a shortage at the hospital I had to wait 3 months to finally transfer to OB. This was my dream job and was the reason I went to nursing school and became a nurse to deliver and work with babies. I was so excited to be pregnant and working in OB. After my first week on OB is when I had my miscarriage. So now my dream job is also a constant reminder of what I lost. I feel like I'm am surrounded by pregnant people and just can't breathe. I watched 2 different babies be born addicted to drugs and had to give them little syringes of morphine to help them withdrawal. They were perfectly healthy beautiful babies. They would have to spend the next 6 weeks in the pediatric unit until they could fully get off the morphine safely but they were healthy. And I didn't even drink a sip of coffee and my baby is dead?
I know any miscarriage would be extremely painful but I just feel like if it had to happen why couldn't it be the next pregnancy not this one then I would have my sister to talk to and not have had the same due date as her. And if I could of miscarried my next pregnancy instead of this one the lost of my dream wedding and thousands of dollars would have been ok because we would have had our baby in the end and that meant more then the wedding. Now it just seems like the memories of my wedding will be a rushed disaster all centered around this baby we loved sooooo much who we changed everything for and then she's dead?? The timing of everything is just cruel. Why did it have to happen this way and with my sister having the same due date. I just feel so empty inside without my baby...
