No idea how to react to this :-(

[minties]

My son was relaxing after school playing Minecraft on my PS3 (he gets to play it as a reward for reading and writing as he finds it hard to do those things/doesn't enjoy them). We'd had a cuddle and I had made him a snack, we had talked about his day etc.

While he was starting his game up and got on the computer to do a couple of things. Sophie fell asleep as she's sick and Emma was sitting in her swing. Thomas randomly says "I wish I could kill Emma" in a really deep and angry tone of voice.

My internal reaction was one of "WHAT THE FUCK??" but I was outwardly calm. I asked him to please go to his room for a minute while I thought about what he said. I then went and told him that if he has a problem with Emma or feels like he doesn't like her, that he can come and talk to me/his dad/his teacher/another adult any time and that we will be more than happy to listen.

Do you agree with how I handled it? I think he just really dislikes his baby sister and is upset at how much of my time she takes, and that he wishes she wasn't here. That in itself makes me sad. He only talks to her maybe once a week and will laugh if she pulls a particularly funny face but that's it. He won't touch her.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

DD1 (10) didnt like DS (11). She also wished he wasnt part of our family. We got her into Play Therapy. It did help. They arent besties but they tolerate each other and will play.

I think you handled it well. Kids dont know how to say what they really feel so tey say what comes to mind. You should try and find the deep down feeling and work it out.

 

[Ellivort]

I think you handled it well. Last thing you'd want is to yell and shame him forcing him to hide his feelings.

Sometimes kids say crazy things without full realizing the reality of what was said. If there are no other concerns, violence to animals, general lack of empathy etc, you are probably right, he's just having trouble adjusting to his little sister.

He went from being the only, to having a little sister and now having 2 little sisters and he's still little.

I think encouraging him to share his feelings is the exact right move!

 

[Bex84]

I don't think you mishandled it but I would be working harder on them forming a relationship. I would be worried about saying wish he could kill her and I would be talking about it's not acceptable to say and that how it is a very serious and unkind thing to say ( I have a 5 year old and would be talking to her about realising impact of words). I would tell him it's fine to dislike siblings but list together all the wonderful things about her, I would also be involving him more with her like getting him to play games with her. I would do some nice things with them together like zoo and get him to show his sister what he likes, get him to share what he likes with his sister so he gets to do nice things with her. It's a big change for him and there is a learning period and is good sharing, just try working on him seeing positives. Maybe get him a little gift from his sister. My 5 year old loves teaching her little brother and even just hanging out for a cuddle watching tv (this from when born)

 

[lau86]

Funny all the different ways people handle things. I think you handled it perfectly. Personally I wouldn't force her on him. If he doesn't like her, chances are he will in the future- she is still young and probably a bit boring to him.

 

[Bex84]

I agree with above of not forcing on and re read my post, and came off weird. I really did think you did right thing. By doing positive things more meaning doing fun things for him and put her in a carrier or pushchair so he can see doing good things with her. I'm sure he will accept her soon. My daughter likes she is the eldest so that means she can be helper and teacher as makes her feel important. Hope I didn't come off as judgemental as I think you seem a fantastic parent saying what done.

 

[Zephram]

Honestly, I don't think what he said was very far out there or unusual. I think a lot of older siblings resent their younger siblings in the beginning because they bump them down the totem pole in terms of how much attention they get - newborns take all the time and attention because they need so much. As she gets older the attention will redistribute again.

I think you handled it really well. I would just tell him that wasn't a nice thing to say, explain she won't always be just an annoying baby and try to give him a little bit of one on one time when you can.

I also wouldn't worry about him ignoring her most of the time. Young babies just don't do anything that would interest a lot of kids - they feed, sleep, cry and poop, the end. When she's older and actually interacting with him he will probably have more time for her.

 

[AngelofTroy]

I think you handled it so well. It sounds so sad and scary and I would worry too but objectively I think this is a normal 5 year old "all or nothing" expression if a normal emotion. I would try to build in more one to one time with him if possible, keep the dialogue open and maybe show him some photos of him and Sophie as babies? Tall about how they've changed and how Emma will too.

 

[Mom22Feb]

Sounds as if you responded well. He may need some one on one time to feel special and loved. Sharing for kids does not come naturally, whether it is toys, food or attention. Kids verbalize what we adults are thinking sometimes in the moment but would not say aloud.

 

[Mom22Feb]

Sounds as if you responded well. Your son may need some one on one time so he feels he is valued and special. Kids do not share naturally whether it is food, toys,time etc. He just expressed what many adults feel but don't verbalize, when caught in the moment.

 

[tommyg]

I think you handled it well. I would as others have suggested try to give him some 1 to 1 time. Realistically 3 month olds are boring. You might find he will become more positive towards her in another few months, once she can sit up and interact a little better.

 

[caz_hills]

Oh blimey you poor thing - what a tough thing to hear. I agree with others you handled it so well. You didn't make a fuss about it and were calm. He doesn't realise what he is saying - kids often say mean things as they don't understand what hey mean.

I agree with others - if you can try to carve out some one on one time for him and you and also maybe games where he and the baby can be together and do fun things rather than him seeing the baby as a nuisance.

I don't knwtheanswer but I do hope things improve. I'm sure it was a one off x

 

[Septie]

Wow, That must have been soooo difficult to hear . I think overall you handled it well, but I would pursue this a bit more. What concerns me here is not as much that he said this, but that he said this while the baby was not bothering him - just sitting in her swing, and while he was himself not visibly upset for some other reason (so the statement was not part of an angry outburst where a lot of things get said, if ykwim). I would certainly ask him why he would like to kill her. He'll probably say all the usual - that she is boring, takes all the time etc, or maybe he won't know how to articulate it. I would also emphasize that she will be more fun/less demanding etc one she is older, and that she will look up to him etc (does he get along with his other sibling?) And for the next few weeks/months (depending on how their relationship develops), I would not leave the two of them together without an adult present.

 

[minties]

Thank you all so much. I will definitely try and spend more time one-on-one with him, we've stayed by having special "mum and Thomas time" each evening after dinner.

Thomas is mildly autistic, and does struggle with empathy and forming friendships.

He really likes Sophie and I feel like there is such a massive age gap that Emma will always be the "baby" and no one will like her. Sophie is kind and gentle with Emma but still not particularly interested in her. But like you have all said I guess babies are pretty boring! Emma does laugh and smile and try to touch the kids faces. Thomas does like it when she grabs and holds things and finds it hilarious when she's holding one of his toys and laughs very loudly.

He says he hates babies and doesn't like Emma. He's never shown any aggression towards her at all and will avoid her rather than go close to her (so no pushing, poking or hitting or anything like that). He kind of treats her like a scary spider I suppose. Avoid at all costs.

I don't ever leave babies alone with kids or dogs, those are my rules. He never approaches Emma unless I call him over anyway. I don't think he wants to hurt her, he's upset that she seems to be the priority and struggles to express his feelings.

He is kind to animals. I don't think he realised what he was really saying.

I've tried to involve him more with her in the past but he's not keen and will get upset if I push the issue. He also nearly vomits if he sees her poo-ey nappies so that's another thing that makes him not like her.

 

[Septie]

Looks like you've got things covered then! The age gaps between my kids are similar (my eldest was about to turn 6 and my middle kid about to turn 4 when the baby arrived). My older two have always been sweet and loving towards the baby, and have always thought he was cute. But now that the baby is a toddler (14 months old) - they both really quite like interacting with him. Indeed, my middle kid, in particular, spends quite some time playing with him, and even the eldest is very proud when the baby imitates him or plays with him. Toddlers are fun; 3 months old babies, not so much (at least to the eyes of a kid). So things may improve for you!

 

[Bex84]

I would definitely think he didn't understand (with dd class I have heard a few kill comments from boys especially due to superhero influence so don't think unusual) I'm sure when older they will be closer. I am close to my older sister who is 5 years old as is my younger sister where 7 year gap.

 

[noon_child]

When my brother was nearly 5 and I was a few months old, my mum found him spitting at me in the cot and saying he hated me.

Fast forward and he totally doted on me. Yes of course we had fights and in the tween and teen years I wasn't always his best pal but in general he was very protective of me and loving. He is a totally soppy person,hates arguments, always apologises etc. so this was very out of character. He was just expressing the fact that my presence had turned his reality upside down, there wasn't as much time for him and I cried a lot and didn't do anything interesting.

I think you handled it really well by the way.

 

[minties]

Thank you all so much! I like when people update their threads, so here's an update now that Emma is 9 months old.

The older kids really like her now! Thomas especially! He's the first one to go in and see her when she wakes up, he spends a lot of time getting her to laugh, crawl after him and babble. I am so happy - and most importantly Thomas is a lot happier. Sophie also enjoys Emma more now, and even gave her a kiss and a cuddle today. Very rare for Sophie to do that with anyone!

I didn't press the kids into anything and just encouraged kind behaviours, and things fell into place.

 

[superfrizbee]

That's lovely to hear!

 

[SarahBear]

Thank you all so much! I like when people update their threads, so here's an update now that Emma is 9 months old.

The older kids really like her now! Thomas especially! He's the first one to go in and see her when she wakes up, he spends a lot of time getting her to laugh, crawl after him and babble. I am so happy - and most importantly Thomas is a lot happier. Sophie also enjoys Emma more now, and even gave her a kiss and a cuddle today. Very rare for Sophie to do that with anyone!

I didn't press the kids into anything and just encouraged kind behaviours, and things fell into place.

Awesome! Glad things are going well for you . I think that when you don't force them into it, it gives them time to process through their emotions rather than being forced to pretend their emotions are different. Forcing it can lead to additional resentment and resistance.