Non-Biological Parent Threatening Court Action??

[xxsteffyxx]

Yes you read it right...

Unfortunately my relationship ended in June this year (no that long ago but still long enough) and since then he has been bombarding me with messages, phone calls and now I have had to report it to the police after I came out to my car yesterday to find an envelope with a picture of him and my son on it with a letter inside. From him of course.

Ironically my friends car was keyed and damaged whilst it was on my driveway the same night the letter was left on my car, but I will not go into that.

Anyway, the letter was a mixture of pleas 'I miss you' 'I love you' 'Please meet me'. I have made it very clear to him, I am over the relationship and I do not want to meet or see him. I however did not state that he could not see my 2 year old son or his family could get in touch regarding seeing him, they were a part of his life for 18 months so I didn't mind if they wanted to stay in touch.

There was no contact.

So one would assume, right okay, they have moved on. I wasn't going to do the chasing... My son already see's his 'biological' father every week and has now started to build a relationship with him.

The letter stated (and a voicemail) that he has now sought legal advice and if I do not get on contact with him that he is taking me to court so that he can see my son again. And apparently he has a 90% chance of seeing him with no time limit and no supervision.

We met in May 2012 (Son was born Feb 2012) and we split June 2014 so he was involved for 2 years. We moved in together in February 2013.

Realistically... what is the outcome here?

Even if I just 'allowed' him to see my son again, this is just going to confuse him because the break up was hard enough for my son, it took him a while to get over my ex leaving, and now he is back to being settled and happy. So I don't think that this is going to be a fair thing to do to Harvey. Yes it would make my ex happy seeing him again, but this is just going to confuse my son.

Anyone had similar experiences??

 

[Mummy1995]

No experience but im 99.9% sure as he is not the biological father he has absolutely no rights to see him at all and is probably saying that to scare you. X

 

[Ceejay123]

Is there any way he's trying to bully you - knowing what you went through with Harveys Dad??

Please see the following:

If the relationship between a step-parent and natural parent breaks down, it is possible for the step-parent to apply for a contact or residence order regarding their step-child in the following situations:

If they were married to, or in a civil partnership with, the natural parent and the step-child was a child of the family (s 10(5)(a) and (aa) of CA 1989).
If the step-parent had lived with the step-child for at least three years (s 10(5)(b)).
If the step-parent has parental responsibility for the child by virtue of an order made under s 4A of CA 1989 (in which case the step-parent is entitled to apply for a s 8 order).
If the step-parent has obtained the leave of the court to make an application for contact/residence.



He didn't live with Harvey for 3 years, you weren't married. He may need to ask the courts permission. It's down to you what you want to happen here. Are you opposed to him and Harvey seeing each other? If so - Tell him that. xx

 

[messica]

Unless the relationship ended because of something he did to physically hurt your or your son, I'm sorry but I don't think you can legally or should ethically keep them apart.

I'm sorry you're not with him anymore and it may make things hairy having to deal with him but fact is he's been there for your son pretty much from day one. It doesn't at all matter if you two broke up, most any judge is going to see his relationship as extremely important to the child. And for good reason.


Frankly, if my husband didn't fight in a similar way to see my children (his step children) if anything ever happened to our relationship I'd be concerned he never really loved them in the first place. I would fully expect to have to accommodate that relationship. Even more so than the obligation I have to keeping them in touch with their biological father because my husband has spent so much more time in their lives with them as he has.

When talking kids, in most states, time spent/bond is just as important biological ties.


I get the feeling that you're annoyed he's not willing to just move on in life without him, but IMO that's an extremely odd thing to expect from ANYONE who's developed a bond with a child pretty much from birth. Especially after such a short period of time. Just ending the relationship in June isn't long enough at all by most people's standards, and I'm sure your son doesn't have the capacity to understand why he's not been around. Guaranteed he misses him. Even children who are parented by terrible parents love and bond to them. If he was any kind of a positive influence in his life I can assure you there's a giant hole there in his life now. Even if it's not entirely obvious to you because you're more than happy to move on, he is likely not.

The ex's reaction thus far isn't at all creepy to me, inappropriate or otherwise unexpected based on what you've said. He's appealing to you to see him, as he should. And "allowing" them to continue to see each other won't at all confuse your son. To the contrary, cutting ties this way with a SIGNIFICANT bonded individual in his life like this has the potential to do quite a bit of long term and potentially permanent damage (see attachment disorders for your worst case scenario). That's exactly what a judge will look at, and how they will make their determination. A relationship from birth or close to is pretty much a no brainer though.

 

[LbkMom4Life]

My ex husband tried this crap when we were going threw a divorce. My daughters were before me and him met. The courts told him and I quote "You are not their father, so you do not have any rights to see or take her children just because you slept with their mother". He tried to get custody of them as well as my unborn son that I got pregnant with after me an him split up and started the paper work on divorce.

 

[messica]

My ex husband tried this crap when we were going threw a divorce. My daughters were before me and him met. The courts told him and I quote "You are not their father, so you do not have any rights to see or take her children just because you slept with their mother". He tried to get custody of them as well as my unborn son that I got pregnant with after me an him split up and started the paper work on divorce.

A judge SERIOUSLY summed up your entire MARRIAGE as some random man merely having sex with you????? Did you freak out about such a slam???????


Maybe it's just me but **I** would have been beyond offended by that........I'd be dipped if an entire relationship and my commitment to another human being by way of marriage would EVER be pegged as merely a roll in the hay.

Sorry, but that's disgusting. And depending on the other details of the case I assume that would give any man who spent any amount of time with his step children the perfect route to appeal. How terribly inappropriate and crass.......just ugh.

 

[LbkMom4Life]

The judge was a bitch. I never liked her before and still dont like her. But yeah she summed it that way. But the marriage was abusive so no I really didnt get upset to much, yeah it hurt but I just wanted him to leave me and my children alone and the way she summed it up he left me and my children alone. He even stopped trying to pick my kids up at school after that.

 

[messica]

The judge was a bitch. I never liked her before and still dont like her. But yeah she summed it that way. But the marriage was abusive so no I really didnt get upset to much, yeah it hurt but I just wanted him to leave me and my children alone and the way she summed it up he left me and my children alone. He even stopped trying to pick my kids up at school after that.

Completely understandable then. I'm so glad you were able to get out and even though she was awful, that you were able to keep your kids away from him too!!!

 

[LbkMom4Life]

Some times people do things to start drama, and then you got the ones that are bitchy and crap which some how help you in the end

I do hope that everything works out for Steffy hopefully a little less issues like mine.

 

[Ceejay123]

I think, if he'd done this when you first broke up... It would have been easier. But he's kept away for months and now wants to jump back in? :/

On the other hand It's good that he obviously bonded with and cares for Harvey.

I think you need to decide what's best... Through a court he may find it difficult. I understand him wanting to see Harvey. but it needs to definitely be that.. And not a way to be in your life.

 

[xxsteffyxx]

Thank you ceejay...

I'm not for one second saying that when we split up I went all 'high and mighty' and said 'no wayz u cannot c my kid becuz it aint urz!' No, not for one second. Seeing as my son hardly see's his real dad, I actually got very upset when weeks turned into a month and then over time Harvey moved on... I would have quite happily allowed him to see my son if he has been 1. amicable at the start 2. not been an idiot and threaten me with court action and 3. ASKED ME??

But its been sorted now as the police had to get involved as he kept coming to my property and leaving a letter and showing strange behaviour. He has now stated to the police that he didn't want to see my son, he was just trying to scare me...

.... mmmmmm, mature!

 

[modified]

No personal experience but my cousin went through similar.

She had a little boy and then got with someone who wasn't his dad. When that relationship broke down, he took her to court and he now has access to the boy every other weekend and alternate holidays. I don't even know how it works... it's bizarre...

 

[surprisepg]

oh my I have never heard of this... I havent had any experience but from what I am reading it has certainly making me not want to jump into a relationship with just any man.

Good luck! Keep us posted but I would most definitely seek legal advice.

 

[Lissa3120]

Given that he's stated to the police, that he doesn't want to see your son and it was just a scare tactic, i doubt it'll get as far as a solicitor on his part, but even if it did, the statement would go against him.

The Courts purpose is to act in the best interests of the child, in a balanced way.

The fact your ex has lived with the child and has been in his life for 2 years, would suggest that there is a relationship between the two of them independent to the relationship between yourself and your ex.
This being the case, if he were to go to a solicitor, i don't think he'd be advised to go to court, as like a previous poster has said, he hasn't been living with him for 3 years, you weren't married, and he hasn't got parental responsibility.
However, if i were his and or your solicitor i would be looking at mediation.
It is unrealistic for anyone to expect this man and child to maintain a relationship until the child is old enough to decide otherwise, it wouldn't be fair on anyone if any child were expected to maintain a relationship with each or any of their parents exes. There has to be a line drawn somewhere, which is why there is a criteria for a "step parent" to fill before they can go guns blazing into a court battle.
In all honesty your ex does not meet any of the criteria.

My advice would be, (although now he's stated to the police what he has i wouldn't get too serious about it) is that if he genuinely does want to continue seeing your son, you might want to consider fazing it out... lots of people would disagree and find it unfair, but i think there are delicate ways to approach it. there's no fair way to do it, a relationship has ended and that will always be hard on a child involved when it involves their main carer/s regardless of their blood relation to the people involved.
I think if you were to faze it out, you'd need to have a step by step plan in mind, for your ex to be compliant, and it would have to suit your situation personally.
I'd also be looking at alternative means of contact, such like skype, phone calls, or getting the child to send a picture they'd drew in the post... things that would help the child involved to understand that they don't live with that person any more, but that they are still cared about by that person.

It's a very difficult situation, and i doubt there's ever really a right way to deal with it, because so many people's opinions and situations differ.
My partner has been in our lives since my son was 3 weeks old, and my daughter's 2nd birthday (roughly) they are now 4 and 2, and my partner has been living with us for just over a year. if our relationship were to end, i don't really know how i'd deal with it, but i'd still very much want for him to be a part of their lives for the foreseeable future, but ultimately there'll come a time where it's no longer appropriate or beneficial to them, so i guess i'd be looking at a 4 - 6 month period where their communication and contact gradually went down.

It's a tough situation, but that being said, i don't think it'll get to court, because it isn't in the child's best interests in the long run; it's only beneficial to the child in the short term of his missing this person. So i think if any legal advice would be given it'd be pushed toward mediation, and reaching an agreement to settle the matter for the immediate to short term future, as it will have the best outcome for the child.

**in my personal opinion**

 

[BrandiCanucks]

If he has stepped in and been the only father figure your son has ever known, then yes, if he took you to court, he would have a chance at winning access to him.

That said, you might think your son has moved on, but he might not have emotionally. He may still be confused wondering where "Dad" is, or even WHO Dad is since you mention that his biological father has not come into the picture.

If your ex and your son had a good, positive relationship, then regardless of your breakup, if he truly wants to continue a relationship with your son, you should let him. Your son's relationship with your ex is completely separate from your relationship with your ex.

My ex husband is NOT the biological father of my third child, but he is the only Daddy she knows. She is 3 years old. The marriage was abusive, hostile, damaging...and even when he walked away for a few months and my children seemed okay and to have moved on, out of the blue, they suddenly started asking for him and about him, and crying because they were confused. It didn't matter that he hadn't been brought up in a while, they still missed him dearly. He did come back around eventually. He lost shared custody and I was awarded full. His visitation rights were lessened, but he sees them once a week now.

As for my daughter who isn't biologically hers, I wouldn't dream of keeping her away from her Daddy. It takes more than blood to be a parent, and they have a strong emotional bond with each other that, no matter how much I hated him, I could never do it to my child to tear them apart and just assume any of them would be okay and move on.

If he wants to come around and see your son, let him. You never know when the biological father is just going to walk away from your son again, and where will that leave your little boy? Let him have a relationship with the man who he has known as Daddy all along.


EDIT: Just read your update about him wanting to cause trouble. Sorry you had to go through that. I still stick by my original response though, just in case someone with the same dilemma happens to read it.

 

[Ceejay123]

If he has stepped in and been the only father figure your son has ever known, then yes, if he took you to court, he would have a chance at winning access to him.

That said, you might think your son has moved on, but he might not have emotionally. He may still be confused wondering where "Dad" is, or even WHO Dad is since you mention that his biological father has not come into the picture.

If your ex and your son had a good, positive relationship, then regardless of your breakup, if he truly wants to continue a relationship with your son, you should let him. Your son's relationship with your ex is completely separate from your relationship with your ex.

My ex husband is NOT the biological father of my third child, but he is the only Daddy she knows. She is 3 years old. The marriage was abusive, hostile, damaging...and even when he walked away for a few months and my children seemed okay and to have moved on, out of the blue, they suddenly started asking for him and about him, and crying because they were confused. It didn't matter that he hadn't been brought up in a while, they still missed him dearly. He did come back around eventually. He lost shared custody and I was awarded full. His visitation rights were lessened, but he sees them once a week now.

As for my daughter who isn't biologically hers, I wouldn't dream of keeping her away from her Daddy. It takes more than blood to be a parent, and they have a strong emotional bond with each other that, no matter how much I hated him, I could never do it to my child to tear them apart and just assume any of them would be okay and move on.

If he wants to come around and see your son, let him. You never know when the biological father is just going to walk away from your son again, and where will that leave your little boy? Let him have a relationship with the man who he has known as Daddy all along.


EDIT: Just read your update about him wanting to cause trouble. Sorry you had to go through that. I still stick by my original response though, just in case someone with the same dilemma happens to read it.

I mainly agree with this - The only difference being that her son does see his biological dad... Albeit not often/for long periods of time as he wants to limit his involvement.

But - her ex has admitted he's not bothered and is simply trying to harass her.

 

[lovejoy]

The guy doesn't want to see your son, his using your child to get to you. If he was contacting you only regarding the child,then yes I would think fair enough his been there for two years. However his contact is I love you,I miss you etc. So ick his using your son to get to you. When the dust settles and you are o.k with him having contact with your child, o.k.

His a step dad so have very few if any rights. I know a guy ho raise a child from 3 months to 8 years and has 0 rights because his not legally her father, the courts couldn't do anything.

The fact that your son as contact with his father is going to make his case in court very weak. The child has his two biological parents, the break up is unfortunate, but his 2 years old and he will forget him.

I will stress again tho that his guy doesn't want to see your son and will not take you to court, he only wants to see you.Do let him use your son and if you are sure it's only just keep an eye out and note anything too wacky.

 

[xxsteffyxx]

Nothing else has been said since. He's admitted to his sisters friend who admitted to me that he is using bad attention to get attention and a reaction from me. So I haven't been reacting to anything.

Thank you for everyone's advice. The only one who wants to see my son. Is is his sister and she is seeing him for a few hours a time (just when she can really) but even she admits she can't do it forever. It's a sad situation, and some men\women are such arseholes when it comes to children. But I have to do what's right by my son and that's what I plan on doing xxx

 

[BeachMom]

It really sounds like he is bullying you and trying to engage you emotionally. Don't fall for it. If someone is going to take legal action, they are going to take legal action - they don't need to tell you beforehand. He may have already consulted with an attorney and the attorney told him he has no legal rights so he is threatening you thinking you'll cave. I'm sorry, but the relationship is over - he doesn't get visitation. Your son is beginning to bond with his bio father, then he's going to have this guy and maybe another guy in the future? Are you supposed to give rights to everyone that comes into his life? I would just answer his email (if you feel the need to at all) with "I'm sorry you feel that way, do what you need to do". Chances are, he won't do anything.