Normal behaviour for an 11 yr old?

[izzlesnizzle]

The background to this is my 11 yr old nephew is being bullied at school. Hes in year 7 and everyday hes being picked on- the bullies steal his pens, books, bag, delete his work on the computer when his back is turned, call him names, tell him hes got no friends and is a weed in the ground etc. He was born 31st august so hes the very youngest and smallest in the whole school.

One day a gang surrounded him and stole his bag and beat him up on the school field. As he tried to stand up, he dragged himself to his knees and one of them kneed him in the face. A big group surrounded them and the other kids filmed it on the their phones. The headmaster saw one of the videos and agreed it wasn't my nephew who started it but he still ended up in the exclusion zone because the head said he should have walked away, but he said he couldn't because they had his bag.

My sister is starting to get very worried about him. He has started to withdraw a lot and spend a lot of time on his own in his room. Previously he was very chatty and always around asking people to do things with him and play on the x box with him etc but now he just spends most of his time alone. He isn't eating very much and has developed a cough that he brings on himself, rather than it being a proper cough. He says he has "phlegm" (sorry tmi!) and needs to clear it. The GP has listened to his chest and says its clear and nothing to worry about but I feel its may be more emotional/behavioural. My sister is worried there is something that's being overlooked and is going to take him back to the GP this week and ask for an xray.

Question is, is it normal for an 11 yr old to want to spend more time on his own as hes approaching adolescence? Or does it sound like hes becoming depressed? I remember when I was a teenager I wanted to be on my own a lot but I was more 15 or 16, not 11.

What can my sister do about this bullying situation? I feel bad for her because shes trying to hold down a full time job, run the house, has 3 kids all with their extra curricular activities and trying to juggle them all. Her husband works away and is rarely there and she says she is fighting to keep her head above water and is clinging on by the skin of her teeth just to get through each day.

Probably sounds familiar to many working mums but I do feel so bad for her and for my nephew who is going through hell at school. Thanks for reading! Any advice on how to handle this situation would be great.

 

[seoj]

I would say in general, it's prob normal for that age to want to spend more time on the TV or video games- things of that nature. But his situation is obviously the reason he is withdrawing- just reading your post was hard tbh. It made me SO sad. My brother was bullied a LOT during middle school years- and he still has resentment over it. He's grown into an amazing adult- and that is in his past, but I know it really bothers him if it's brought up. I get so angry that I didn't know it was going on- I was his older sister and had no clue. but I was wrapped up in my high school world... and we didn't talk as much during that time.

If it were me- I would be going directly to the principal of the school. They should have a no tolerance policy. And there should be punishment for that behavior- as bullying should NOT be tolerated at any school. Period. Has she taken pics of what the other boys did? Does she have names? It sickens me that there are kids that are like that- who literally are not taught any better or at least given counsequences for their actions. Has she not gone to the school yet?

If it were my child- that would be my first priority. My SD was bullied at school for a while her freshman year- girls would say nasty stuff... and yes, there is only so much we can do as parents. We taught her to stand up for herself- but that violence was NEVER an option. But if we needed to we'd go to the school to protect her. She was slapped in the face once and she reported it and the girl got suspended... and she apologized in the end, but got what she deserved. It's just frustrating for sure that we can't protect them from people like that-- as it's part of life. But schools should be protecting our kids best they can. There is not excuse for that to happen and be ignored.

I hope he get's help soon hun. Best of luck!

 

[CandyDay]

Is there any way for him to switch schools for the coming year?
Or perhaps he should join a karate class just to learn self defense and how to stand up for himself. Could he go to camp for a couple of weeks in the summer to get him out with other people? He is likely withdrawing because of the bullying.
I would take any pictures of the bruises or marks left on his body and tell the principle he either needs to deal with the bullies or the police will become involved. As there is video of the fight can you go to the other parents perhaps they need to become involved as well.

 

[DJJ]

I agree with getting the police involved.if that happened on the syreetyou would so why not in school.

 

[izzlesnizzle]

The school don't seem to be handling it very well in my opinion. They took him into a room- the head, the deputy head and a welfare officer and sat him down and asked him if he was being bullied and he said no! They asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell them and he said no, everything was fine. But to me, this is a terrible way to go about it. He had no rapport with any of them and of course hes going to say no. The instigator of the attack was put in the exclusion zone for a week but I don't think things have been taken any further than this by the school.

He told me about the computer incident the other day when it was just me and him and I told him I too was bullied at school and when you stand up to the bullies they usually stop. He listened but didn't say anything. I gave him a big cuddle and told him I understood and to keep talking to us.

He has been taken to karate but hes not a sporty type of child. He really likes dinosaurs and science and rocks and reading history books and I think the other kids don't really understand him. They all like football and he cant stand football and always comes last in races. He goes to a science club on a Saturday which he says he really enjoys.

Its difficult to move schools because of where they live. He gets the school bus but they push him to the back of the queue so he cant get on then he misses it and my sister has to go and pick him up when he calls to say hes stranded.

My sister has been to the school and they suggested letting him have a special pass to the library or cinema club at lunch times but they are for the children who are struggling and he doesn't want to be singled out any more as this will make things worse.

Thanks for the advice and suggestions though.

 

[seoj]

Has his mom gone in to speak to the pricipal with him? Maybe she could just advise her son to be honest, that hiding it will not help. Sorry- I'm sure she's already done that and I know it's scary for him- I cannot imagine... but something has to be done, this is affecting his life. It's not going to stop till the school (or someone) get's involved... it's so sad they won't do more. I truly hope they get it sorted out soon hun.

 

[izzlesnizzle]

I don't know if shes spoken to him since but I know she had to go in when the incident on the school field happened and spoke to the head then. The good thing is she has a good support network around her, like our parents and friends but something does need to be sorted for my nephew, like a change of school.

 

[MummyMana]

Your poor nephew I'm sorry but all I can suggest is pulling him out if school all together! I feel very strongly about this as I had to ensure 4 years of it myself, no one did anything no matter how many times my parents went to the school about it. In the end I left in year 10, point blank refused to ever go back. If you wanna know more about how this worked feel free to pm me

 

[Louise88]

The school sound like the same as the one I went to I was badly bullied from age 9 right through to 17 I even planned to kill myself when I was 16 just to end it all. Personally if the school aren't doing anything about it which it sounds their not then I agree with what's been said about maybe changing schools? Or get him into some self defence class karate etc. there's also the option of going to the parents but from my own experience some parents think their children are angels and wouldn't do anything like that so will just argue with you rather then listen (but if there's a video that could be shown to the parents to prove it then that's a great start) also if school continues to fob you off and not really do anything you could go to local papers? This will push the school into doing something as they won't want the bad press or reputation. I think the whole thing of your nephew being placed on the exclusion list for being beating up is absolutely horrendous and not on!

My heart goes out to your nephew its awful being bullied and he deserves so much better then that

 

[yazzy]

Personally I'd pull him straight out of that school and transfer him or home educate. These are such important years that influence the rest of your life...you are only young once and should enjoy this time.
Regarding the cough, my cousin use to do this - it started because he was bullied by his step dad, I still say he's missing part of who he should be because of those horrendous years of being picked on daily.

 

[magicwhisper]

if it was me i would transfer schools, different schools have different policies and procedures on everything including bulling. Also because the attact was so violent the police could be involved

 

[tallybee]

So sorry this is happening. If the school won'd deal with this properly then I would really say I would move him to another shool, it's not on.

 

[Amalee]

Do they have some sort of mentor program at the school? Around here, mentors volunteer to come in and they are "buddied-up" with students who seem to need a positive relationship - whether it's because they are an at-risk child, they get bullied, or whatever. They usually hang out for an hr or so during the week at school doing something the child enjoys.

It might be helpful to look into something like that. It's great for kids to have an older, positive role model who is young enough that the kids feel comfortable talking to them as a friend.

 

[hypnorm]

The throat clearing cough thing sounds like it could be stress related, my son who is also the youngest in class 22nd August birthday. Has developed a head twitch and throat clearing due to problems at school.

 

[_Vicky_]

I agree change schools! I was bullied from 11 to 12 and my parents pulled me and it changed my life! Seriously get him out of there!! Xxx

 

[ellismum]

Oh your poor nephew. Mine is the same age and it would break my heart if he was going throug the same thing.

I'd be inclined to move him too however don't let the bullies or the school get away with this appalling behaviour. What he has experienced is horrific and needs to be stopped. The police need to be involved and complaints made to the head, local education authority and governors.

 

[izzlesnizzle]

Thanks for the messages. Just as an update, they have applied to a new school over the summer holidays and waiting to hear about it. He has seen a specialist at the hospital about his cough and they have given him an inhaler but if it hasn't cleared up by the time they see him again then hes going to be referred to someone who specialises in this sort of thing where they can reset the pathway from the brain to the cough like control alt delete as they put it to him. Sounds to me like a behavioural specialist or something but they didn't say that to him, they put it in terms he would understand not to freak him out.