Not coping....need tips.

[LouOscar01]

After WTT for 2 years we have been TTC for 10 months. I've never ovulated and had my first cycle on Clomid in March. It didn't make me ovulate. I was prescribed Provera again to trigger a period. Took my last pill 7 days ago and haven't got my period yet. Last time it only took 4 days before I got spotting. Both times I took 3 tablets a day for 7 days.

I am so fed up of waiting for something that my body should do on its own. I'm so incredibly depressed. I barely leave the house except to go to work because I can't bear seeing babies and pregnant people everywhere.

I'm an infant school teacher o there are babies, children and pregnant women everywhere at work too but I have to work so...

My colleague is heavily pregnant and leaving next week so I was looking forward to having a pregnancy free school for a few months until another annoucement no doubt....

...but then a girl who works in my classroom announced her pregnancy. She already has an 18month old. She was with the guy for 2 weeks before she got pregnant. She didn't want anymore children but got pregnant whilst on the pill both times. She's unhealthy and not in a strong relationship.

Today she found out it's twins. I'm so full of jealousy. I can't deal with the 'it's so unfair' feeling. She gets 3 babies...I get none...

I can't stop crying!!! I don't want to have to see her everyday, she doesn't seem to get my situation and says horrible things about only wanting one of the babies...

I just want to scream at her...
STOP MOANING ABOUT HAVING TWINS.
STOP MOANING ABOUT MORNING SICKNESS
STOP MOANING ABOUT BLOOD TESTS
STOP STOP STOP STOP

I'd give all my money and my house to be suffering from morning sickness right now. I'd give anything.

How can I stop this controlling my life and changing who I am? I wish I could be happy for her but I'm just not. I'm so disgustingly jealous. I'm ashamed of myself.

I just want this so so so much. Why is it so easy for some and impossible for others? I can't see this ever happening for me. It's all I've ever wanted.

Help?

 

[happymrs]

Hi,

I have been ttc for 3 years so I understand how you are feeling. I can't really give any tips other than to try and enjoy the life you have right now. I know its easier said than done but if you start off small you can gradually find things to take your mind of ttc.

Even tiny things can help.
I started by arranging a weekly meeting at Costa every Friday after work with a close friend. We use it to moan/laugh about the week and discuss our weekend plans. I will admit I used to moan to her about ttc but now I hardly mention it other than to update her!

I also started acupuncture- this is expensive but brilliant. I find it so relaxing and uplifting and she has given me lots of things to focus on which makes me feel so positive. The sessions are more like counselling/therapy!

My lovely hubby does spoil me rotten and arranges meals out or day trips at the weekend to keep me sane. He even booked us a small holiday next week!

I am also starting yoga in a few weeks which I will be attending with a friend. I think this will be good for me mentally and physically.

The basic message is that now I am much busier and have lots of things to fill my time when I'm not working I am happier. I am a teacher like you so I know how hard it is to be surrounded by other people's children!

I know this sounds harsh but the worst thing you can do is stay in and allow yourself to crumble under the sadness. Don't be ashamed of how you feel, it is normal! That overwhelming need to have a baby will take over your personality if you let it. Make sure you stay true to yourself and remember there was a 'you' before ttc and there will be a 'you' when you finally have that baby in your arms.

We all feel your pain, you can vent here any time.

Baby dust for you. x

 

[Myshelsong]

I couldn't say it any better than happy Mrs.

Honestly this is the worst journey I have ever been on, and it has been almost four years!
I had a whole year where I barely left the house except to work. I even got my groceries delivered when I could. I didn't talk to anyone, I was angry at everyone and everything and I took it out on my DH.

It wasn't until I started talking about it with my DH and I consciously decided to leave the house once a week for me, that is slowly started getting better. I also did start acupuncture and I LOVED it. It changed my life, I smiled for the first time in a year, it felt so refreshing just knowing that I did something for me outside of Drs appointments and work. If you don't want that, go for a massage. Then I started yoga at home, I let hubby take me out on a date, we started walking a little bit and I worked my way out of it. Looking back I feel I should have stopped and talked to someone before it got so crazy, but I am in a better place now and if it turns sour after this IUI I will be talking to my Dr.

I hope that you are able to work your way out of this, if you need anything message me and we can talk.

 

[His Princess]

I'd love to tell you how to switch off these feelings but unfortunately, I can't. As a few pp's have said, the way you feel is completely normal.

My DH and I tried for 2 years before I was prescribed Clomid. I have PCOS and blood tests showed that I wasn't ovulating on my own. The worst thing I did was think of Clomid as some kind of wonder drug and expected to be pregnant within a few months- when that didn't happen, it sent me on a downward spiral. I was given the lowest dose and whilst it made me ovulate, I failed to fall pregnant. It does work for a lot of people but for some reason, it wasn't doing to trick for me. My fertility specialist told me to take it for a year but I eventually stopped after 10 cycles. I had lots of nasty physical side effects towards to the end, and it impacted on me emotionally too- I suffered from terrible mood swings.

After going back to see my consultant, she agreed that we would move straight onto IVF. After going through the referral process and all the tests that come with it, we eventually started the first attempt in Jan'14. As stressful as it was, getting a BFP at the end of it made it all seem worthwhile. However, the joy was short-lived as when I went for my viability scan, they told me I'd had a MMC. We had to wait 6 months to start the next cycle which felt like an absolutely life time, but eventually started attempt #2 at the end of September. Thankfully, we were lucky enough to get another BFP and this time round, we were blessed to see a heartbeat at our first scan. I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and I can't say the journey has been smooth (we've had a couple of scares along the way). I haven't been able to relax the entire way through this pregnancy, although I've now reached a point where I can start to believe that I'm actually going to bring my baby home.

Looking back, that journey was the hardest time of my life and sometimes I wonder how we made it through. Like you, I felt as though it started to change me as a person. I felt bitter, resentful, and jealous, which isn't like me at all. Every time I saw/heard a pregnancy announcement, it made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach, then of course I would have this overwhelming sense of guilt for feeling that way- especially when it was someone I was close to. The thing is; it wasn't that I wasn't happy for them, it's that I was sad for myself.

The only advice I can give is, don't give up. Try not to put your life on hold too much either. To start with, my DH and I avoided planning holidays etc. in case I got pregnant, and our whole lives became revolved around the 'what-if's'. All that did is make us both even more miserable, so in the end, we agreed to continue to live as though we weren't going to have babies any time soon and make the most of the time we had together. In hindsight, I'm glad we did it that way. Yes, we're a little lighter on savings, but we made some great memories together and I think it did our relationship the world of good. It certainly helped me stay sane.

Anyhow, I've just realised I've written a mini-novel. The main point I wanted to make is; don't give up! I know it's tough but you will get your baby eventually. It took us 5 years to get to this point, but we got there in the end. Be kind to yourself and know that everything you're feeling is completely normal x

 

[LouOscar01]

Thanks guys. Feeling a little better today as I can see the beginnings of my period. So ironic that someone trying for a baby feels such joy with the start of a period!! To me it just means I can TRY again this month!!

Myshelsong it sounds as though I am doing the same as you and not leaving the house. I looked into having groceries delivered last week, but braved it in the shops in the end. I have ok days and bad days but the bad days are SO bad.

I hate that we have to travel this painful journey. Need to stop doing the whole 'why me', 'why is it so hard', 'why can't I just get pregnant at the drop of a hat like everyone else' 'Why can't I even ovulate?!'... I guess I just haven't come to terms with the whole thing yet even though I've expected it since my diagnosis at 16!!

I think I will look into acupuncture again...

Thanks again, it's so nice to know that I can rant and be supported by people going through a similar thing xxx

 

[banana07]

The only thing that helped me in the end was to stop wallowing and feeling sorry for myself, I got really really angry with the whole thing, I went over any doctor who I didn't find helpful or useful. I sold our good car to go private and get treatment that I felt was right for me and as it turned out the softly softly approach hadn't been working and the specialist who I paid a small fortune to see said that it was clear as day I hadn't been ovulating for the last 16 months and I never should have been given so much clomid without being monitored.

So many doctors just give out clomid prescriptions and keep upping the dose. You need to get follicle tracking scans to see if there is an egg growing and if there is a trigger shot to make it pop out. My eggs were growing but weren't able to pop out and once they did with the trigger shot. I finally got my beautiful baby boy after 2 trys.

I gave this exact advice to two friends last year who are both now expecting lovely little bundles this year!

So get ANGRY!!

I avoided two of my best friends for nearly 9 months because they were both pregnant for the second time since I had started trying. I hated them but I regret it so so much now. One of their fathers died and I still couldn't bring myself to be with them. It can really really mess with your head.

We are TTC again and even thought its only been 2 months trying I have such a feeling smae thing is happening and currently waiting on blood results, not messing around this time, it nearly killed me the last time, I honestly thought I'd never survive it.

People say up to a year is normal, I don't believe that for 1 min. Anyone I know who didn't get pregnant in first 1-3 months ended up with problems.

Do you have the option to get follice tracking etc... to really see what is going on? and Trigger shots to give yourself the best chance???

 

[Hopeful Cat]

No tips...just support. I feel every emotion and let myself feel it then pick myself up and keep going. I wish u all the luck in the world xx

 

[Topanga053]

I feel for you, hun.

I also really wanted to addresses Banana's observation that anyone she knew who didn't get pregnant within 1-3 months had problems. Like she said, a year really is considered normal. With me, we got a BFP on cycle 2 our first time, but I miscarried it. It took us 8 cycles (10 months-- because of longer cycles) after the miscarriage to get pregnant with our daughter. I thought something might be wrong, so we did testing. All tests (including DH's SA) were normal. doctor proscribed Clomid just in case. I took it one cycle (BFN) and then stopped because I needed to stop obsessing as I was in a VERY bad place emotionally. A couple of cycles later, on a natural cycle, we finally got another BFP and went on to have DD. A few months after DD was born, we decided to NTNP. Again, we got pregnant naturally, but it also took 8 cycles (which was actually a full year because I had some 60-70 day crazy cycles after DD).

I understand in your case you need the Clomid, etc, but for others, I just wanted to point out that sometimes it really can take a full year (or more) or almost a full year and there might still not be anything "wrong."

Whether there's a diagnosed reason for it taking a long time or not, the waiting sucks. It's terrifying and heartbreaking and lonely.

But even when the odds are against you, there's hope! My parents were told they had a 1 in 6 million chance of ever having their own child. But here I am!!! Completely unexpected, but 28 years old now and healthy!

 

[Lues]

I feel your pain so much it brings tears to my eyes.

It took almost three years for us to get pregnant. And my husband had been wanting to try years before that, but I wanted to wait. Yeah... i felt like such an idiot. But the fact is, those years we waited were OUR years. And they're precious too. Now, looking back, I wouldn't change anything.

But I do understand. I had days where I had a hard time getting up in the morning, due to a combination of crying half the night, and just being depressed.

I agree very strongly with two previous posters:

--- KEEP BUSY. Find something that excites you or makes you smile and do it. If it's something that you normally love, but currently you don't get any enjoyment out of.... fake it. Do it anyway. You're likely to soon find that joy again. Even if it's just a little. Little moments of joy can mean the world.

--- Find a specialist you are comfortable with. I wish I had done this sooner. For me, knowing I was being properly monitored helped with the frustration and the... well, let's call a spade a spade here... the hate I sometimes had for the rest of the world. It made me feel like I was doing something. I had a plan. The plan may take a while, but it was there.

You're in a bad place. That's okay. You're allowed to be. But hang in there, and find whatever works for you to keep joy in your life DURING this process. It's hard, and sometimes even good things will suck (I'm sure you know what I mean), but vent here! vent often. Find a few friends you can vent to as well.

But don't forget to do other things too. I know it can seem fake, like you're just going through the motions with everything else... but then you'll have those moments of real happiness, and they'll make it all worth it.

It can happen. In your sadness, try to remember that you cannot see the future, there is no reason to think it won't happen.

 

[dede3124]

I can sooo relate! I have posted this in a couple of places, but would love input here.

In need of advice....my signature shows the gist of my story. This has been an interesting cycle. I am currently dpo 16, longest luteal phase has been 14, however temps are consistently going down and have some slight spotting, with 3 bpn, so I am thinking I am out this month. We consulted an re and we know that if we use assisted methods he recommends medicated cycles with a trigger shot to start; that process is started as soon as I call and say I want it. There are many thoughts in my head though and dh is pretty much leaving the decision with me so I am seeking opinions. My thoughts are a bit random but its what they are.

* I am pervasively haunted with the fear that we will never be successful.
* This process is definitely taking an emotional toll on me.
* After treatment for polyps and endometritis we have only had 2 true attempts.
* Polyps seem to have come back already, but they are small and re said they may be no concern.
* I am now 34 and feel that time is running.
* I am a teacher so fertility treatments could be difficult during the school year, I am currently on summer break....if we start sooner we could have more attempts before the school year started.
* Cycles since surgery have changed becoming more painful and heavy....concerned that something else may happening but hope not.

What has affected your choices to pursue assisted methods or not to? What are your thoughts?

 

[Lues]

dede3124 --

(First of all, these are just my personal opinions obviously)

What was their definition of "medicated cycle"? And what was your "consult" like? Personally, I went to a few offices until I found one that would track a full cycle before deciding what medications were necessary. This way they could see how big the follicles were growing on their own, etc. (of course, in your situation, maybe that has happened already)

It IS time consuming though. it's a real struggle to find ways to get there multiple times a week. Some offices will work hard to work with whatever your schedule is. Others are not so great at that.

My overall thought is that I wish I had been monitored and helped by a fertility specialist sooner! Emotionally, I REALLY liked the feeling that there was a plan. and even though the appointments were emotional draining and scheduling was a pain, I liked feeling like I was DOING something.

 

[dede3124]

Your opinion is what I am asking lol

The medicated cycles are with clomid and multiple ultrasounds to look at follicles and time a trigger shot and have timed intercourse. I have had some monitoring so we have some baseline. There is only one re in my area so that is my choice lol I think the comfort of a plan is what I am looking for. I am just torn between needing support and knowing we have only had two real tries but time is factor.... Ug too many thoughts

 

[Lues]

Ah....to intervene or not to intervene.... That's IS always the debate isn't it? I can completely relate. I went back and forth SO much. First about GOING. Then about each thing they suggested I do.

I REALLY liked being monitored. They suggested Clomid after my first two cycles. My personal decision was to put off the Clomid as long as possible, although I did do the HCG shot. But my situation was that my follicles WOULD grow, they just grew slow, and were on the small side of normal when they released (17, 18 mm, sometimes 15)

We also did IUI. A lot of places don't normally do IUI without Clomid (or something similar). They weren't pushy. But they made it clear that it was pretty standard to do. I kept saying, maybe in a few months. (I'm not saying you should do that, I'm just giving an example.)

I guess my ultimate point is that I WOULD personally suggest treatment. BUT, I would ONLY suggest doing things that you are completely comfortable with. Especially since, like you said, if you feel you've only had two OFFICIAL shots since things were cleared up.

If you feel like any of the things they want to do aren't necessary (yet), don't do them. But that doesn't mean you can't pursue treatment.

LOL. I don't know if that made any sense or just sounded super repetative!

 

[dede3124]

It did make sense. I am not a fan of meds, but I am willing to do what I need to do

 

[blueblue]

Hi ladies, I was in a slightly different situation - we were LTTTC on and off for 4 years with 4 unexplained miscarriages - but it's still a really difficult place to be in, I could get pregnant but until now they would never stick and it often felt like it was going to break me. I hope you don't mind me commenting. My friend is LTTTC after a loss about 4 years ago and I know how hard it's been for her.

Acupuncture really helped with the grief, esp combined with meditation (I listen to guided ones, Tara Brach has some great free downloads on her website). For the first time in years, I felt the shadow had lifted and I'd really recommend it. Some acupuncturists specialise in fertility - in the UK some are Zita West affiliated. Mine charged the same as normal acupuncture.

I also read "The Last Best Cure" by Donna Jackson Nakazawa, it's about health issues and it's not really a cure but about healing and finding joy again. It changed my perspective on other health issues I was having.

I found it hard to be around pregnant friends and babies, it really isolated me, making TTC/recurrent loss even harder to deal with. It's completely normal to feel like this.

Lots of luck and babydust x

 

[calm]

LouOscar01 I do feel your pain I waited to TTC for years and years, did so much to get there, only to find that I didn't get pregnant when we finally tried. Each cycle felt like I was dying a little more when it didn't happen, so convinced I was pregnant, and never was. I too am a teacher and love being with children, wanted my own so much it hurt. I had to go through so much to get where I am now (I have twin boys), and thanking my lucky stars it happened in the end. I have to say though, I can see the other side. Your workmate wasn't planning a pregnancy from what you say, and I can tell you that a twin pregnancy must have been a massive shock, and all of it can be very hard on the body and the mind, and that's coming from someone that went to hell and back to have children. She will most probably be much worse once she has them, because the first months can be brutal (there are no words to express how brutal) I moaned too, and felt very guilty doing so, which was silly but there you go. Someone that has never had any problems with fertility just wouldn't get it, though I grant you there are people with more sense and empathy than others. I think sometimes seeing the other side of the coin can help. Its very possible that if your workmate got pregnant by mistake and ended up with twins, she has all the cards for ending up with a whooping post natal depression. Its very hard to have compassion for someone when you ache for children, I know this myself, but sometimes it can break through our own pain and help you too. When someone has so easily what we want it can seem like they have everything and us nothing, but its not necessarily so.

I think what helped me at the time was throwing myself into other things, for me it was drawing. I also did meditation and had a lot of plan B's. I could see a possible breakdown happening so I met it half way, and was always trying to be preventative of a depression, and tried to fill my life with as much as I could, even accepting that children just might not happen for me and looking for happiness elsewhere, which may sound hard, but it helped. Also from the years of been on BnB, I've seen that most ladies have ended up with children sooner or later, and I'd say 90% out of pregnancy. Its a hard road, and the worse thing is, there are no guarantees. There is no easy solution or tip, life is hard and tries us in different ways, make sure you get lots of love and support from those around you. Anything I can do please pm me

 

[1nceUponATime]

Lou-

I feel for you hun. I feel like I have my "okay" days and my bad days. The bad ones are really bad. I just feel consumed by the idea that DH and I may never have children, and of course it feels like everyone around you (especially the ones who don't get it) tell you that you will, and that there is a plan for you, etc etc, which almost never feels like what you want to hear. Sometimes, I just need to cry, and I just need to tell myself that there is nothing wrong with letting it out!

My advice is find a friend or two that you can confide in, that don't want to give unsolicited advice, or maybe someone that has been through this themselves. And to treat yourself to really nice things, because you deserve it, and because you need a little extra love for yourself right now. For myself, I have found it is helpful that I am planning a really great vacation for next year. I'm hoping that it gives me something to look forward to (that has nothing to do with children)...that next year is going to be a great year regardless of whether or not we can get pregnant. Also, the planning takes my mind off babies.

But you should know that how you are feeling is normal, and that you are not alone...In fact, I often feel like it is helpful for me to log on to here (b&b) because I feel like I am helping other people out a little bit, and a lot of people are in the same boat.

I know you'll get through this...we can all get through this together! Good luck hun!

 

[stefdan]

Hey I know this is hard, but you are not alone. We are here to support you. I know some blogs that are really inspirational, hope it will help you cheer up.

TTC Story: I Have Unexplained Infertility But I Am Still TTC
Grace-Filled Waiting
Waiting on His Plan

 

[TTCsince626]

I agree with you 100%. I feel the exact same way. Life's not fair.