Not liking getting things right

[Foogirl]

Abby is quite bright, but we have a strange issue at the moment. For a while she hated trying things in case she got it wrong, or so we thought. But she seems to not want to try because she doesn't like getting it right.

As an example, this morning she wanted me to read a story for her. I told her she could read it to me. She's actually pretty good at reading, she just doesn't think she is. She will read individual words, quite difficult ones, but faced with whole sentences she decides she can't do it. So, after a bit of a sulk, I told her she would read it to me or it would go in the bin (harsh, I know ) So she started reading, and when she managed to do the first sentence, she said "did I get it right" I said, "yes you did" and on came a sulky face

She did eventually read the whole thing and I asked her if she was proud of herself and she said yes and seemed happy. But I can't work out why she is struggling to try. She does have a confidence issue generally, which we are working on, but I would have thought if confidence was the issue, she would react differently when she realises she can actually do it?

Anyone experienced the same thing?

 

[OmarsMum]

Omar is the same, he is a perfectionist. As for reading I read a page & he reads the next one, if he struggles with a word I "help", I try not to pressure him as I don't want him to hate it.

He is the same with his piano practice, he's pretty good at playing, but he lacks the coordination when it comes to reading the notes & playing, so now I read the note & he plays, it takes him 2 times to memorize it without looking into the book.

They are still young, I try to encourage him to try new things without putting any pressure. When he started swimming classes the 1st class he was so cautious as he didn't know the coach, the coach held him in the water & started to talk to him, he didn't do the same with the other kids, he sensed that Omar didn't trust him as he's a stranger although he wasn't scared of water.

I don't think it is a confidence issue, I think it's more of being scared of doing things wrong, Omar is very confident but he doesn't like it when he does something "wrong" according to his standards, I try to explain to him that doing something wrong is ok & we can try again & again to get it right.

I want him to enjoy what he's doing instead of overthinking & panicking to get it right.

 

[SerenityNow]

My daughters (ages 10 and 14) are both very avid readers, probably read several hundred to a thousand pages a week and read well above average for their peer group. They both began reading at 3 and could read pretty well at 4 and both of them HATED to read until they were about 6.5-7.

I don't think many adults remember the frustration of learning to read. I certainly don't. But I've seen two of my kids go through it. How a child reads when they are learning is a lot like how I play the piano. I know how reading music works and I know enough notes by sight to have a few landmarks and given enough time and a bit of trial and error I can usually pick out the melody. Kids know that adults don't read the same way they do. They know that adults can just see any word and know what it is and move from one word to the next effortlessly and see the meaning of the whole words and sentences instead of putting together individual pieces. I expect that pianists can do this with music and if everyone around me was a pianist I would feel pretty discouraged when I sat down at a piano.

If I wanted to hear a piece of music and was told to play it myself, I would probably sulk too. For a young child who isn't reading fluently being read to is a totally different activity from reading something themselves. Avid readers actually love books, not reading. In my experience with my kids and their friends, reading skills grow exponentially once they find books that "pull them through". You do more to encourage reading by reading aloud than you do by cajoling kids into reading on their own. Hold the book where she can see the words and keep track of where you are with your finger so she can follow along. At the end of the page you can ask her to point out words that she knows or point out words that you think she can figure out and ask her to try reading them.

This drove me crazy with my eldest, but honestly I needed to get my own ego in check, because I was asking her to "perform" not encouraging her to improve at a complicated skill. With my middle daughter I put about 1/10 of the energy into teaching her to read and she was reading fluently at a younger age than my eldest.

 

[Tasha]

Is it just with reading or other things too?

Abby always comes as particularly bright to me, do you think it could be a possibility that she is aware of that and is uncomfortable with the idea of standing out to her peers?

 

[Foogirl]

It's not just reading, that was one example. I usually do read with her and we have never forced it. We knew she'd pick it up when she was ready and she loves books so we're not about to screw that up. She didn't pick a book and ask me to read it, I take every opportunity to sit and do that with her! And yeah, I ask her to find words on pages or read the next line etc.

The only reason I insisted she had a go herself was we are working on having her pick something to sit and do by herself for ten minutes as she is very reliant on adult company and we are trying to break that habit to help her prepare for school - as the school have asked us to do. She chose to do her magazine and the story was in it. Encouraging her to read it was part of that, letting her know she could always try to read the pages first and ask for help if she needs it.

But she is like that with everything. Whether it is learning stuff, or her physio she will sulk and insist she can't do it then when she does, she will sulk and sometimes even cry when we say "well done, that was a great effort" or "you did that really well" etc. It often feels like she wants us to be cross with her. In fact, sometimes she will do something by accident, say she spills her water, and we'll be quite relaxed about it and "oh dear" and clear it up and she will get really upset, telling us she is sorry and we must be really angry. We tell her over and over that we aren't (then occasionally end up getting angry because she wont let it go ) but she still insists we are angry about it.

Confidence wise she is a funny mixture. Sometimes she can really struggle but then the next thing she is powering ahead not afraid of anything. I have asked her key workers about her in a group situation and she doesn't seem to have a problem coming forward with the answers. I once asked her about it, how she felt when the others can't answer questions and she just said she was sad for them that they didn't know and she was happy to answer to help them learn by answering the questions. So, I don't think that's the problem. I suppose, if it is only happening at home I shouldn't worry but I just wondered if there was something else at play that we should be keeping an eye on.

 

[OmarsMum]

I'm honestly not sure Hun, Omar is the same, he makes excuses like his arm is hurting or he can't stand & so on when he's asked to do something he doesn't want to do or try. He is also so reliant on adults company & he gets loads of attention from us & his teachers at school. Maybe try to find something more interesting to her than reading? Give her a project like some glue with magazines to cut pics from them & stick them on something? Or a stapler & a puncher to make an arts project. Or some water with food colouring & leave her to experiment with it?

Omar is also funny with confidence issues, he can lead a group of kids with no issues, when he went with his dad to the bank they were amazed by his confidence, but sometimes I feel he is hesitant to take actions or to try something new, he sulks & starts to make excuses

I'm not sure if it is something to worry about, I know he is different but he doesn't show any signs of having something serious, when I talk to his teacher about those issues, she laughs & she tells me to let him be who he is, they never flagged his behaviour although they worked really hard on his social anxiety that he was suffering from when he was younger.

 

[Foogirl]

Yes we do other stuff. And it's always things she chooses. Mostly she will want to write a story or draw pictures or stick stickers on things. She only chose the magazine because she had asked for one the night before when I went to the shops and she got it as a wee treat for her fabulous school report

 

[MummyMana]

Could it be possible that she thinks if she shows how good she is at doing certain things herself she is scared you will stop doing them for her? Ie she thinks if you know she can read you won't want to tell her a bedtime story anymore. Kid logic is a funny thing, she could just be worried about growing up "too fast" if that makes any sense? (I remember feeling like that when I was little tbh, asking my dad to help me with something because I wanted to do an activity with him and him saying "you can do it", obviously looking back as an adult he just believed in my abilities, but at the time I felt a bit rejected)

 

[Foogirl]

Oooh, now, that sounds like you might be on to something there. It could be linked in to her fear of independence. We struggle a lot to get her to do things herself because for her first three years we had to do everything for her, and since then there are some things she can do but often chooses not to. She HATES being told to find something to do in her playroom by herself. I think I'm going to do some work on that.

The other thing is she sometimes says "I don't want to show off". Not sure where it has come from but that could be it too.