Not sure how to help my husband

[PandaMao]

My daughter was born at 30+3 almost 2 weeks due to iugr and severe preeclampsia and went straight into the nicu. I'm so scared for her of course, but for the most part, I'm being very calm and optimistic. Normally I freak out at situations like this and my husband is the calm and collected one. Well, not this time. He's having a much harder time of things and I'm not used to seeing him like this. He will only visit her on the weekends because he said it's too hard to see her and then go into work and concentrate (he's third shift). He was supposed to work last night, but didn't go in because he said he was too tense and upset. When we're there he sits where he can see her and her monitors at all times. He stares at the monitors and obsesses over every little fluctuation in the numbers. She had 4 bradys yesterday while we were there and 1 of those was while he was holding her doing kangaroo, but she recovers from them on her own very quickly most of the time. It seems kind of wrong that my first post in this section is more about my husband than her, but she is actually doing really well. She's starting to put some weight on, she's breathing on her own but does have cpap for some assistance. They're still waiting for her PDA to close, but it's not causing her any problems. Overall, she's having "normal" preemie problems and they're managing them just fine. Is there anything I can do or say to my hubby to help him through this. Like I said, I've never seen him like this so I'm really at a loss and of course the whole nicu thing is totally new to both of us.

 

[Foogirl]

Congratulations. Glad to hear your LO is doing so well.

I find the same. My husband and I always become the polar opposite from each other when a situation arises. We seem to pick our roles and just go with it. Sometimes I'm calm and reasoned, sometimes he is. Sometimes I'm laid back, let it go and sometimes he is. We rarely take the same role. Maybe you need to fall apart a little, bring out the calm, sensible in him again

Is there any way at all he can take some time off work? Even just a week, to give him the chance to see how she is changing and improving every day. Of course he is worried and if he's not used to bradys it would be terrifying for him. I'm sure he will calm down if he realises its quite normal. Have you spoken to him about how well she is actually doing? Or had a good chat with a consultant to let him know that, actually, she isn't too poorly? Or maybe you'll just need to suck it up and hope he gets over it!

If your LO is going from strength to strength hopefully it won't be long before she is home and he can freak out about a whole bunch of other stuff!

 

[kit10grl]

My DH didn't hold mydd for a long time because he was scared of hurting her or dislodging a cable or tube. It was weird to watch as he surprised me so much by being very hands on with our first child and it was such a massive swing in the other direction. Its possible he is going through similar feelings. It took quite a while for him to get more confident but it did happen. I found that leaving him alone sometimes helped the nurses would ask him if he wanted to do her cares and then help him with it. He found it easier to take help from them rather than me cos he felt like I was telling him how to do it rather than helping

 

[PandaMao]

Thanks ladies.
Foogirl, my husband already took a full week off from when I was admitted to the hospital until I was released. I was pumping while in the hospital and I couldn't even get out of bed by myself until the last night I was there. Definitely needed his help with that. He has no more paid time off at the moment and we can't afford for him to take any time off unpaid unless it's absolutely needed.
Fortunately, he is managing to relax a little bit with her. He's not staring at the monitors so much and he seemed more relaxed and calm when holding her today. I actually convinced him to see her at least one day during the work week. I think everything was just so hectic that first week and then the second he tried to just put it from his mind and hadn't allowed himself to process any of it. Once he slowed down it really just caught up with him and he struggled. He's doing so much better now he's had time to process it.

 

[Foogirl]

Urgh, it really does irritate me that as families we have get no help in situations like yours. Dads have to go to work with poorly babies in NNICU or they don't get paid. Has he spoken to his boss about compassionate leave? Thankfully my OH's boss was understanding but so many aren't. Glad he is doing better. How's LO getting on? And you?

 

[kit10grl]

It is awful for some. We knew at 20 weeks we were going to have a long nicu stay so dh asked our work if he could keep all his home for the year and tack them onto the end of his paternity leave. In all he then had 7 weeks on full pay. This worked so well for us as we spent 6 weeks in a hospital far from home. I would have had no one for D's if he had had to go home. We were so lucky.

 

[Foogirl]

Hopefully the new legislation allowing parents to share maternity leave will help a little, although it still means mum has to go back to work sooner. Better than nothing I suppose.

 

[PandaMao]

Are you ladies both in the uk? Your leave is nothing like ours here in the us. We can both take up to 12 weeks off using fmla, but it is unpaid. My company will pay short term disability for the first 6 weeks, but that's it. Hubs company does two days of paid paternity leave. One on the day of birth and the other on the day baby comes home. He also doesn't get vacation time the way a lot of people do. He has to work so many hours to earn an hour of paid time off. He doesn't just get so many weeks for the year and takes it when he wants. It's not ideal, but it will be alright. By the time she comes home he'll have accumulated some more time off and he'll use fmla to stay home he just won't get paid. Once she comes home I won't be getting any paid time either. Luckily we live with my inlaws so the bills aren't all down to us.

Well, my little girl is getting better. They have her on a nasal cannula now and they are talking about weaning her off of that soon. She's being fed exclusively breast milk now, so no more picc line. She's still in an isolette, but they are talking about moving her out of there soon if they can wean her off the cannula first. Slowly but surely we are moving in the right direction.

As for hubby, he's doing better as long as he isn't holding her. As soon as he has her he tenses up and freaks out over every little thing. He said he's not going to hold her again until she's more stable. Not really sure when he thinks that will be. She has some bradys and some desats, but other than that she's doing good. I know those might not stop happening for some time now. I hate to think he won't hold her for weeks now. I know he doesn't like how tiny she is either, but she's definitely a slow grower. She'll be 3 weeks on Tuesday. She was born at 2lbs 8oz and as of last night she is still only 2lbs 12oz.

 

[Foogirl]

It does take time to get used to the teenies, especially if you aren't there a lot. It sounds like LO is doing brilliantly.

I am absolutely amazed at how you US ladies do with such short maternity leave. Hard enough for a straightforward birth, but to have leave finished before or shortly after LO comes home must be dreadful. We get 6 weeks full pay, then 33 weeks of statutory maternity pay from the government. It's not huge, about £100 a week and your employer must allow you 12 months off if you want it. On top of that a parent is entitled to 13 weeks of parental leave until the child is five. I took about 6 weeks of that after my mat leave ended which meant she was 15 months (a year corrected) by the time I went back to work. With all we've faced now, I'm glad I had that first year at home with her.

Fathers get 2 weeks paid leave. I think they now can have another 4 weeks unpaid leave. There has been a bill passed which says parents can share the year of maternity leave as they wish, eg so each could take 6 months off or take 6 months off together. I'm not sure if it is law yet though.