Not sure if this belongs here **triggering for depression/suicide**

[LilMiss_91]

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[SoBlessedMama]

He absolutely needs you. You are 100% irreplaceable in his world. No one is "good enough", but we are each absolutely perfect for our own kiddos. No one, ever, ever could take your place in his life.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way--please talk to someone and get help for how you're feeling--for your own sake, and for your sweet little guy. Praying you find help, peace, encouragement, and support. You ARE worth whatever it takes--not just as a mom, but as a person of infinite worth.

 

[xQuinnx]

Hey do you know what's triggered this feeling? Do you have it all the time? Is there anyone who can support you? My little one is 10 weeks old and I quite often feel like this like the universe made a mistake in letting me be a mum. It can fel incredibly overwhelming sometimes but remember your little boy knows your his mum and he would be lost without you. How you feel isn't your fault but you don't deserve to feel this way, you deserve to be able to enjoy being a mother, you deserve to be a mother. You grew and gave birth to this tiny person and to them you are god. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world hands down but unfortunately we only learn this when we become one! Nothing can prepare you for it, it's not something you can learn in a book is something you learn through experience.

If you don't feel able to talk to someone professionally try and talk to someone you trust and write down a list of all your positive qualities as a person and as a mum. Write down all the reasons why YOU are the best mum your little one could have. Look at this when you feel upset and it might help you feel a lite better x

 

[wildflower79]

You've done so much for your son already! You've brought him into this world and without you doing everything you've done for him he never would have made it this far. You are your son's world and he'd be totally lost without you.

Being a Mum can be really really hard and it's not something anybody is perfect at. Please don't be too hard on yourself. The thoughts and feelings your experiencing are being distorted by the depression and they're not the way things really are. I hope that makes sense? I know its hard, I've struggled with depression in the past, but things will improve, you won't always feel the same way. You and your son deserve to have a life together.

I'm not sure whether you've been offered any help/support with how your feeling? There are people and options out there that might be of some help if you wanted to. When I felt really bad in the past I found trying to do something enjoyable each day, even if it was just something really small, seemed to help lift me a bit. I really hope you start to feel better soon

 

[SoBlessedMama]

Lilmiss, how are you doing? I really hope and pray you're feeling better about things!!

 

[the why bird]

Sweetheart, that is the illness speaking. If you died, you would leave a hole is his life which would never, ever be filled. It's true that he wouldn't have clear memories of you, but every birthday, every Christmas, ever major event in his life - graduating, getting married, his first job - he would be missing having his mother there to celebrate with him. Every little pain and problem during his life and he would wish he could turn to you for support.

I have been there darlin. I know how seductive that dark little voice can be, whispering in your ear that you'll never be good enough. I know what it's like to live surrounded by black smog no one else can see, to feel it pressing down on you so heavily it's hard to even lift your head in the morning.

Please, please seek help. And if you're already in treatment, please reach out to your doctor or therapist and tell them you're having a hard time. There is no shame in needing help. If you had cancer or meningitis you would seek medical help. If your little dark voice is telling you that no one cares, or that you're not worth the trouble, or that it won't work, or that you shouldn't waste their time because you're not as sick as some other people... it is lying to you. You are sharing your head with a stranger who hates you and is trying to trick you into giving up. Reach out and get him evicted.

If you're not already doing it, I can't recommend cognitive behavioural therapy enough. It teaches you to spot flaws in your thinking and stop them before they feed into your depression. Everyone reading this thread can clearly see that your thoughts are distorted by the illness - we all immediately thought 'Of course you are good enough! Of course your son would miss you!' But you can't see it through the smog.

Oh honey, please, please, don't give up. You can and will get better and I promise you that life without depression is a whole other world. Even the bad days are just bad days, and not the end of the world, and the good days are blissful. I am speaking from experience. I was sick for a long time. I cheated myself out of years of happiness by not getting help when I needed it, because I felt ashamed or unworthy. I'm better now, and every breath tastes sweet.

Reach out to the people around you. You might think they wouldn't miss you, but they would. Suicide shatters those left behind. You think they wouldn't want to help you? You think you'd be a burden to them? No. If you died, they would spend the rest of their lives asking themselves every day why you didn't reach out to them. There will be pain and grief and guilt and every night before they fall asleep they will ask themselves, 'Why wouldn't she let me help her? Why did she leave us?'

It pains me to read your post because I know that pain and it's so raw. Please take care of yourself. Get some sleep. Try to get outside and have a walk in the daylight, I know that might be hard right now. Try to get something nutritious in your belly. And if you need to, shut yourself away somewhere safe and ride out the waves where you can't hurt yourself. Call someone. Call the Samaritans if you can't bring yourself to discuss this with your loved ones.

Please update us and let us know you are still fighting on.

 

[LilMiss_91]

I am... absolutely speechless. I would like to be able to reply to all of you individually but I just don't have the words. So thankyou. I am so grateful for your kind, understanding and supportive words. It means so much to me, it really does.
I've been better the last few days. My moods change often, I can be feeling suicidal and then a few hours later I can be perfectly fine. Not what you would call "hyper" but ok. And yhen it will slip again. Or I get angry. So angry. And sometimes it all bubbles up and results in an argument with my OH generally. I feel out of control of my emotions. I seem to under-feel or over-feel everything. Some things I feel like I really don't care about and other things effect me deeply and emotionally, even things unrelated to me. But like I said, things come and go and it's hard for me to remember the one feeling when experiencing another. I hope that makes sense? Like right now I don't know how I could ever consider leaving my LO. But I did. It is quite clear that I did.
Despite everything, despite the rational part of my brain (which is quite small) telling me something is wrong, I feel like if I went to the Dr he would just tell me to get over myself. That I'm not ill. That there ian't anything wrong with me.

Apologies for any typos, I don't have time to stop and check everything right now. I just wanted to let you all know how I was doing.
Thankyou again x x x

 

[SoBlessedMama]

I am so thankful to hear an update from you!! Any doctor worth ANYTHING will see how very hard you're trying, how very much you're hurting, and how very much you'd love help. You won't be discounted or blown off, sweetie. You're a wonderful mom, and a strong person--you just need some help at the moment. Things will get better! The fact that you've identified that there is an issue is huge. There is a solution and help out there for you. Praying you find the support you need, and of course we are here whenever you need to talk! Sending lots and lots of love and hugs your way!!

 

[the why bird]

I am... absolutely speechless. I would like to be able to reply to all of you individually but I just don't have the words. So thankyou. I am so grateful for your kind, understanding and supportive words. It means so much to me, it really does.
I've been better the last few days. My moods change often, I can be feeling suicidal and then a few hours later I can be perfectly fine. Not what you would call "hyper" but ok. And yhen it will slip again. Or I get angry. So angry. And sometimes it all bubbles up and results in an argument with my OH generally. I feel out of control of my emotions. I seem to under-feel or over-feel everything. Some things I feel like I really don't care about and other things effect me deeply and emotionally, even things unrelated to me. But like I said, things come and go and it's hard for me to remember the one feeling when experiencing another. I hope that makes sense? Like right now I don't know how I could ever consider leaving my LO. But I did. It is quite clear that I did.
Despite everything, despite the rational part of my brain (which is quite small) telling me something is wrong, I feel like if I went to the Dr he would just tell me to get over myself. That I'm not ill. That there ian't anything wrong with me.

Apologies for any typos, I don't have time to stop and check everything right now. I just wanted to let you all know how I was doing.
Thankyou again x x x

Thank you for updating, I had been thinking about you.

That part about not being able to remember the other emotion? I know that feeling well. It was like I could have had the best day of my life the day before, but when the sadness came I couldn't even remember what it felt like to be happy.

The doctor won't tell you to get over yourself. They see a LOT of people with depression, they say it's like the common cold of mental illness - a ton of people get it. They won't think you're being dramatic. That said, if you don't think you'll be able to explain yourself properly, there's no harm in writing it down, printing and filling in a symptom checklist off the internet, or taking someone else who can speak for you if you choke up. I totally understand your thinking on this one. What makes it worse is that it's easy to get into a pattern of hiding how you feel and playing it down, so when the time comes to ask for help it's hard to get out of the habit. A lot of people think their suffering isn't bad enough to warrant help - the irony is, it's the illness that makes you think like that! Put it this way - if you fell off a ladder you wouldn't avoid going to the hospital in case your leg wasn't badly broken enough to deserve treatment, would you? I dunno about you, but I'd see the doctor over something minor like a rash and be pissed off if they told me to get over myself. Depression is way worse and has far bigger impact than a rash.

 

[LilMiss_91]

Not sure if anyone is still watching this thread? :/
I've meant to update sooner but with Christmas and everything, life has just been so busy!

Things are better, I've had more good days. Not feeling so sleep deprived as my LO is sleeping a bit better (albeit in bed with mummy and daddy which is a step backward). But sleeping more has definitely helped with my moods. I still have low moods sometimes and Im certainly not counting my chickens before they've hatched... I've suffered with depression on and off (85-90% on unfortunately :/ ) since I was 11/12, I'm now 23.
I feel like I've got to a part of my life full of difficult decisions and compromises. Lots of which involve me having to try and take on my anxieties. I dont feel big enough and brave to do that. I still feel like such a little kid. I wonder if I will ever feel like a proper grown up?
Anyway, hi to anyone still reading. Thankyou for your support and for listening. It really does mean so much and it helps to just get it out and know that someone is hearing you. xxx

 

[xQuinnx]

So glad to read your updates! so glad to read things are getting better. I've suffered with depression on and off too and having a little one seems to trigger it. I hope you continue to feel better and enjoy your little one. No matter how bad you ever feel about yourself in their eyes you are a super hero.