nothing to do with the forum

[freddiesmum]

Im just ranting and i feel awful for doing so as im not normally one for self pitty. Just before Freddie was born, 3 months ago, friends of mine and OH sadly their baby was born sleeping. Since then we have both done everything we can for them, he is OH's best friend but she has refused to see me. Freddie happend to be born the day after thier LO's funeral, not through anyones choice, especially not mine. A few days ago I got a letter, she had wrote me a five page letter basically blaming me and telling me how unfair it is that freddie survived and was given every chance to do so and her LO didn't, saying it should be fred and not him. She also said she will do everything she can to never see me again, if she knows i will be somewhere then she wont go. We have the same circle of friends TBH as sad as it is they are really my only link to the outside world and i feel i can no longer be a part of them. I know she is grieving and i wont pretend to understand what she is going through and if she needs to hate someone to feel better then fair enough let it be me, but to say those things about freddie has angered me, he didn't choose this and he would be nothing like her LO, he's 3months old and is smaller then a new born, to wish my baby dead is horrific (in my opinion)! if i could change things for the both of us, me and her and i would, but i cant. i'm just so upset and angry that someone can make me feel almost guilty for my son being here and fighting!!
sorry i know this has nothing to do with the forum but i had no one else to talk to and if i didn't say/type something soon i wouldve exploded!!

 

[AP]

oh goodness hun, that wasnt nice at all to write a letter saying such thing is horrible, of course she is grieving but that is no excuse. I can't pretend to understand either though. Life is pretty unfair.

Have you spoken to her since?

 

[freddiesmum]

She wont speak to me, flatly refuses to!! Ive txt her saying tht im sorry she feels that way and i will always b arnd if she wants to talk about it. But today im fuming, im over thinkin things!! And im upset!! And i want to help her but she wont let me and shes blamin me x

 

[25weeker]

Sending you lots of

That is a truly awful thing to say to you. I lost one of my daughters and I would never wish someone else the pain of losing a child even if they were my worst enemy.

Unfortunately I think you will have to leave her and hope as time goes on she realises she is wrong and apologises.

 

[bob2331]

i read that with an open mouth! Having lost Connor, to this day it still hurts every second but not once would i wish a friends baby or any other baby to be in that position rather then me.

i had a friend who found out she was having twins not long after i lost connor, and yes, it did upset me, mainly because i would never have my twins together and she did and i couldnt understand why it was fair but from what my doctor has said that is normal. I never wanted anything bad to happen to her twins, i prayed for them and wanted her to be able to enjoy both her children.

To write a letter, i simply dont understand, i cant not understand why anyone would wish that on a child, every single child is a blessing.

To me it sounds like your friend needs help.

Has your otherhalf spoken to this ladies partner about this letter? if he hasnt i would really recommend it, it sounds like she is hitting out and needs some help.

Part of me can understand that she is upset that her baby isnt here and freddie is, but to wish that freddie wasnt, i just cant believe it, you might think it, but to voice it and to put it in a letter thats shocking.

You shouldnt feel that you cant be in your group of friends, you have done nothing wrong apart from bring the gorgeous freddie in to the world.

I would say dont let it get to you but thats pointless because it would get to any parent, just remember, you have done no wrong and you cant help what happened to your friend.

Hugs xxx

 

[cat81]

So sorry hun. I can understand that she is grieving and is probably angry and looking for someone to lash out at. However, there is no excuse for what she wrote in that letter and the truly horrible things she said. I don't know what advice to offer really but wanted to send
You are a better person than I am to have been able to send her a nice text after receiving her letter and she is lucky to have a friend like you, even if she doesn't see it. Don't let her push you out of your friendship group. I am sure, in time, she will see that her feelings towards you are irrational and feel horrible about treating you this way. Hopefully then you will be able to give her the help she needs. xxx

 

[Miss_d]

WOW I think she is wrong to say those things to you, i also wont pretend to know how shes feeling but to direct it at you and your baby is wrong. Has your OH spoken with her OH about this letter? seeing as she wont speak with you.

 

[freddiesmum]

He has spoken to him because as you can imagine it upset him and he was angry because her other half hand delivered the letter claiming not to know what was in it! As far as i am aware she is seeing three seperate councillors, one of which adviced her to write the letter!! I have spoken to her OH and he apoligisises but i dont want him to say sorry, i dont even want her to say sorry i just wish things could go back to how they were. Its clear that she is talking to all our friends about it as you can see they are awkward around me!! I just feel awful the way she can make me feel about my son, i felt so guilty and its wrong and i feel like i let him down!! And i feel for my OH as hes lost his best friend because of this xx sorry for the ramble and thank you all xx

 

[toothfairyx]

Outrageous. Whatever her experiences, she sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work to write a letter like that, there are no excuses for wishing someone else's baby dead grieving or not. I would find it hard to want to have anything more to do with her but I'm sure that in time she will realise she is in the wrong and apologise. Leave her be for now as if you try to contact her you run the risk of fueling her fires of anger and bitterness and you will have your time in the future to decide if you want to let this person back into your life.

 

[toothfairyx]

Also wanted to add that 2 days before J was born my OH had a text from one of his best friends to let him know that the twins they were expecting were born sleeping at 31 weeks. It was awful, he was very upset so you can imagine when Jamie was then born at 28 weeks and survived he was a very poignant baby. Life is full of bad stuff but you cant waste time being bitter or it eats you up.

 

[LoraLoo]

As a mother who has lost a child, I can fully understand why she would find it difficult to be around you and your little one, its so incredibly hard to see pregnant women or babies, but I am utterly shocked by what she has said I would never, ever wish this pain on my worst enemy, let alone a friend. I'd be heartbroken if it happened to them. If a friends LO was born prem, I'd be hoping and praying that they pulled through and be so thankful when they did.
I'm so sorry, the letter must have hurt you so much. Im sure she is, understandably depressed, and grieving, but that it is in no way an excuse.
Massive hugs to you xxxxx

 

[bob2331]

i know with councillling they do suggest the whole letter writing thing, and i have found it helful, but its letters to connor, not to someone who has done nothing wrong.

Speak to all your other friends, they must understand thats it just grieve that he making her talk like this and you should be made to feel left out or strange because you have freddie.

I wish i could say something to make it all better for you and your friend, but i know i cant do that, i just hope the days get easier for your friend and time as they say, can be a great healer xxx

 

[Chocciebutton]

Freddiesmum.... sorry to her this....her counseller probably told her to write her thoughts down in a letter but not send it!!! to get her grief out, she should never have sent a letter to you like that. I dont want to worry you, but keep the letter in a safe place as much as you probably want to get rid of it....I was in a different situation with my older son where someone wrote a nasty letter to him.....I was so glad I kept the letter for the police when 6 months later the boy pulled a knife on my son.....completely different circumstances but I think if you keep it and then she continues to send anymore then you have a collection to show she is harassing you. You are better off steering clear of her she is obviously not coping very well mentally and hopefully she will get the right help that she needs to stay sane.

 

[LoraLoo]

i know with councillling they do suggest the whole letter writing thing, and i have found it helful, but its letters to connor, not to someone who has done nothing wrong.

Speak to all your other friends, they must understand thats it just grieve that he making her talk like this and you should be made to feel left out or strange because you have freddie.

I wish i could say something to make it all better for you and your friend, but i know i cant do that, i just hope the days get easier for your friend and time as they say, can be a great healer xxx

And i know they also sometimes suggest writing a letter and throwing it in the bin, I'm really suprised a councillor would actively encourage such a letter to be sent if she knew it would be full of such hatred towards an innocent baby

 

[Marleysgirl]

I've got nothing more to add to what the others have said ^^^

I just wanted to send you and to tell you that you shouldn't feel any guilt. What happened was not your fault and, in time, she will come to realise that. Go and give Freddie a kiss from all of us

 

[bob2331]

i know with councillling they do suggest the whole letter writing thing, and i have found it helful, but its letters to connor, not to someone who has done nothing wrong.

Speak to all your other friends, they must understand thats it just grieve that he making her talk like this and you should be made to feel left out or strange because you have freddie.

I wish i could say something to make it all better for you and your friend, but i know i cant do that, i just hope the days get easier for your friend and time as they say, can be a great healer xxx

And i know they also sometimes suggest writing a letter and throwing it in the bin, I'm really suprised a councillor would actively encourage such a letter to be sent if she knew it would be full of such hatred towards an innocent baby

All i said what that i know they do suggest writing a letter. They never said what to write or who to write it to, just to right down what i was feeling

 

[LoraLoo]

i know with councillling they do suggest the whole letter writing thing, and i have found it helful, but its letters to connor, not to someone who has done nothing wrong.

Speak to all your other friends, they must understand thats it just grieve that he making her talk like this and you should be made to feel left out or strange because you have freddie.

I wish i could say something to make it all better for you and your friend, but i know i cant do that, i just hope the days get easier for your friend and time as they say, can be a great healer xxx

And i know they also sometimes suggest writing a letter and throwing it in the bin, I'm really suprised a councillor would actively encourage such a letter to be sent if she knew it would be full of such hatred towards an innocent baby

All i said what that i know they do suggest writing a letter. They never said what to write or who to write it to, just to right down what i was feeling

I know hun, was agreeing with you. Was just saying that if a Councillor DID suggest that this woman wrote a letter and sent it, saying those things about a baby thats very, very wrong x

 

[Agiboma]

Wow, sending you you dont deserve this anger and negative energy she is sending your way, i would try to ignore her if you could maybe one day she will begin to see things differently

 

[freddiesmum]

thanks girls, it means a lot to hear your opinions. my OH actually threw the letter away straight after we had read it. Im just so stressed right now and worried about Freddie that this has made me even more stressed and im scared im going to make myself ill but I hate it when people speak badly of me but you cant be everyones friend i guess. I hope you're all good xxx hugs and kisses xxx

 

[katy1310]

Just wanted to send you

I can't begin to understand what she is going through, but to write such a horrible letter to you was uncalled for - I couldn't believe what I was reading.

I agree with the others that the councillor may have said to write down her feelings in a letter, but certainly not to actually send it to you!

Her anger is completely misdirected - none of this is your fault or Freddie's.

Grief can do funny things to people. One day she will realise that none of this is your fault.
xxxx