Numb

[Zakir]

Feeling really numb for the past two weeks. I feel like I am coming to terms with the reality of my infertility. That children may not be in the cards for me and my hubby. I started out in the wtt section of this site and slowly made my way here to lttc. None of us ever wanted to be here.
I am in shock that I have come to the point of exception so soon. I don't want to stop trying but a lot of my fears about never being successful have disappeared and the stress of my thoughts about living a childless life no longer make me sad,and I was so sad.
In the space where all of that anxiety was there is now nothing. That is why I am posting this. I am wondering where it all went and what I should be feeling. Is this even a normal thing to go through? These are all questions I have. I am not giving up on my dream of being a mother but will I still have the drive to keep fighting if it's not causing the pain that it always has?
Any advice is welcome. Thank you

 

[Mrs. Atole]

Can you give a little background on you ttc journey ? I can really give much advice or feed back on what you posted .

 

[Zakir]

Can you give a little background on you ttc journey ? I can really give much advice or feed back on what you posted .

I was Diagnosed with pcos in 2012.My husband and I started ttc in Nov. 2013 after having had a really bad year on bcp. I had started charting while still in wtt so that I would ready. however after the first withdrawal bleed nothing ever happened. after waiting 4 months for my cycle to return i was prescribed provera and clomid on increasing intervals based on ovulatory success. 100mgs. worked but I still never got a bfp. by that time we were going on a year and a half. and the doctor wouldn't monitor my cycles or anything and I didn't want to continue unmonitered so I switched doctors. The new doctor immediately had my prolactin checked the first day as my previous blood work indicated that it was high she also listened to me and allowed me to try metformin for a few months to see if that could help my cycle start without having to always use provera. I wanted to have a real cycle.
Then this past December my husband was prescribed testosterone replacement injections due to extremely low testosterone. We told the doctor we were ttc and he didn't listen. It didn't help that my husband thought it somehow wouldn't effect him. I really struggled with his decision to take it. a month after that my cycle started on its own. I have had one every month since. For the first time in my life I am regular.
At first I was convinced it was a cosmic joke. I was infertile then my husband as soon as my body starts working. He has azoospermia from his treatments which did the opposite of what it should have. He chose to stop the treatment it has been two months since then and we are waiting I will start seriously tracking in the new cycle and we will hope that his recovery is swift. It is hard to believe that my cycle will stick around after such a long absence but I am hoping. Thank you Metformin. During this entire journey I have cried exactly three times over it. the first was in the beginning my husband was fine living our lives with just the two of us and I was not.
the second was when the pregnancy test was negative the week before hubby started trt(testosterone replacement therapy. and the other was after seeing my doctor so many times and taking time off spending money to get ultrasounds just to find out he wasn't even seeing them and didn't want to (or care to I felt)
I go through cycles of emotions where I feel things and keep it to myself until it overwhelms me then I vent to hubby and feel way better and repeat. It's a real roller coaster but maybe the kiddie kind I feel a lot but I'm pretty calm about it. Right now though nothing. I feel like I'm ok with everything. I'm not worried about the what ifs. and there are some pretty big ones such as his spermies not returning and my cycle going away again.

 

[Mrs. Atole]

What a journey. But you have your period now which is great. You need to stop thinking these what if's what if my period goes away etc.. start thinking positive, I am a Christian girl and yes it's hard but negativity doesn't get you anywhere but stress which might cause your af to go haywire, just stay positive OK I got my period this month I'm not pregnant but that's OK I have a period and another month to try , my husband body is going to work itself out and all need is 1 sperm to get to my egg. You need to think like this why allow yourself to get super upset , yes it hurts but stay positive.

 

[Zakir]

What a journey. But you have your period now which is great. You need to stop thinking these what if's what if my period goes away etc.. start thinking positive, I am a Christian girl and yes it's hard but negativity doesn't get you anywhere but stress which might cause your af to go haywire, just stay positive OK I got my period this month I'm not pregnant but that's OK I have a period and another month to try , my husband body is going to work itself out and all need is 1 sperm to get to my egg. You need to think like this why allow yourself to get super upset , yes it hurts but stay positive.

Thank You Mrs. Atole. It is really nice to hear your optimism.You have a very nice way of looking at things. I will try that. After all worrying changes nothing.