OH changed his mind.. AGAIN!

[Butterfly2402]

I am new on here and have decided to join as it looks super friendly and helpful!

Basically I have been with my OH for just over 2 years and want to start a family with him. I'm 22, he's 37.

Now I know I'm going to be told l'm only young, I have plenty of time but sadly both me and fella can see thats not exactly the case for him. We've had our ups and downs, I was diagnosed with BPD last year and its been tough, as with anything we've ploughed on through.. last year he told me that he was happy with me and said he'd like to think we'd start trying for a family this year.. this year has come; i've been working, things have been great and he started occasionally 'nudging' the family idea (got to love the creative terminology!)

He has said hes scared, scared hes not bringing in enough, scared his freedom will disapear and just generally too scared to make the decision.. so I suggested I came off the pill to see how he felt. He agreed to it! Now this was nearly a month ago, after a week he hesitated but then said 'no stay off pill' so I did thinking maybe it was just a blip, he's been behaving oddly.. holding my belly, joking about 'food babies' making me look pregnant (yup.. a bit odd but thats something I love), saying its really what he wants he's just a bit nervous.. a couple of weeks later hes now changed his mind completely! I started to take pills again this morning and am absolutely gutted, angry and heart broken!

He's like this with EVERYTHING! Early relationship he hesitated as to if it was what he wanted, 6 months in he threw a wobbly because I was moving into my own place and he wasnt sure he was ready to be a part of that (despite not being invited to live in my new home with me ha!), he is iffy with the idea of marrage down to previous family issues (his fam)

Worse still therez a chance I could be pregnant (even if only small) because at end of day I wasnt on pill for a month and period is nearly 2 weeks late!!!

I just don't know what to do!

 

[Amygdala]

First things first, take a pregnancy test! If you are pregnant, you shouldn't keep taking the pill so find out ASAP. If you're two weeks late, a pregnancy test will be very reliable by now.

Secondly, are you on medication for your BPD? Or other treatment? If so, I'd definitely talk with your healthcare providers about how to manage a potential pregnancy. It can't play havoc with your hormones (obviously) and some medication isn't safe to take and having previous diagnoses can increase your chance of postnatal depression etc. so just be aware that there'll be extra things to manage for you.

Thirdly, I completely understand your desire to start a family but it'd make doubly sure that you're really in a position to handle it. A baby is a non-stop 24/7 job and puts a huge strain on your emotional and physical well being and your relationship.
It sounds like you and OH don't live together? For me, that'd be a first step to seeing if the relationship is really strong enough to survive a newborn.

Finally, I know it sucks but if your OH isn't ready, I wouldn't push him. You'll need his help and support with a baby and you'll only make life harder for yourself by not waiting until he's truly ready and happy to take on the responsibility. I remember how hard waiting is if you're ready yourself but trust me, it'll be worth it.

 

[Butterfly2402]

We've been living together a year now. It's not that I want to push him, if he was outright and said he wanted to wait then yes I'd be disappointed but it'd be ok, its that he's messing me about - and it's not the first time.. I get the impression he's a 'commitment phob' I don't mean that in a 'cheaty' way I mean as in.. as long as its perminant, he can't manage it.. I just don't understand it

My BPD is being solely controlled by myself, no meds, they were making me very sick. I only mentioned it to express what kind of things me and OH have been through, I'd not get into having children unless I knew I was on top of that.

 

[lilmisscaviar]

Honestly I think men are often times like this when thinking about adding a baby to the relationship. They are doubtful when they think about it but when you ask them to DTD they are all ready for that. Once the fun is over however and they realize what they've done, they begin to second guess themselves. This is often why many moms end up single. I'm not saying your man is like this but I'm saying that most men don't help out much with a child, even if they do stay around. If he isn't 100% ready for a child, which if he keeps changing his mind, it doesn't seem like he is, he may not want the responsibility of one so be prepared that he may not take care of the baby much, if you do try for one, or if you are already pregnant with one now.

As to having a late period off BC... you could be pregnant or it could be that your hormones are still adjusting. Some women don't ovulate right off of coming off the pill, which is why doctors suggest waiting until you've had at least one normal cycle. I've had a mc this year, which is a little different from BC but is the same in the sense that my hormones have been out of whack from it and I have not ovulated for the first three cycles afterward, so it really all depends. As Amy said, I would take a pregnancy test to be on the safe side, especially if you are 2 weeks late.

Good luck in whatever you decide! I hope everything works out for you, either way.