Out of control 5 year old....what do I do?

[greenbeans12]

My five year old daughter is so out of control and I just do not know what to do. I have tried being nice, understanding, supportive, and gentle. I have had family meetings where we spoke to her about her unacceptable behavior. I have started an award system that focused only on positive reinforcement. A penny when you have had a good day and five pennies equals a fun day out with mom or dad - you chose the place and person you go with. I have also tried a more firm approach. Giving consequences (taking away TV, no outside time, etc), time out, and so forth.

She does good for maybe a day or two and it is followed up with 2-3 days of really insane behavior. Such as talking back, saying mean hurtful things, being physically aggressive with her brother/friends, making intentional messes, LIES CONSTANTLY, not doing what we ask her to do, and playing me.

My husband sees it a mile away but I often overlook the small subtle things she does to manipulate me. She uses the bathroom as an excuse to get out of family meetings and will sit in there for ten minutes at a time not going pee or poo, she will stick her tongue at me behind my back when I turn away, and she tells her friends things such as (heard her in the backyard talking to them) "my mom won't spank me, I won't get in trouble for that, my mom won't ever know this, I am going to copy my mom and really make her mad, etc". She also tells my husband she does not have to listen to him, she hates him, she only likes me because I am nice, and so forth.

My husband is her stepdad but this anger directed towards him I don't understand. He spends so much one on one time with her, brings her to her friends, talks to her, and so on. He has researched for hours on what we can do with her, he has spoke to other people he trusts can give some good advice, and he is just as stumped as I am.

I will admit...I am responsible. When it comes to my daughter I feel guilty. Her bio Father has never been in her life, her brothers Father broke her heart after 3 years of being in her life from the time she was only a few months old, and when I married I moved out of state away from my entire family. I know she is dealing with a lot and I let her get away with stuff in the past I should not of let her get away with but I couldn't bring myself to get angry with her when I knew she was dealing with so much.

So what can I do? She lies about everything! She is mean to her friends and says hurtful things like I don't like you, you are not my friend, go away, etc. She also has recently become aggressive with them. She slammed her friends finger in the door twice yesterday and then her friends brothers finger got slammed too by her. She sprayed hairspray in another one of her friends eyes and then tried to hold her down and spray it in her mouth because she said if the girl wanted to be her friend she needed to do that???? She hit her friend on her broken arm when she got mad at her. I am just....I do not know what to do! I have tried time after time to talk to her, show her how to help her anger by talking to me or showering or sitting in a quiet place. She understands these things I talk to her about because AFTER she does something she will repeat everything I told her in previous convos and say she should of done those things instead.

Ugh...I just need some insight on this and I know you ladies are amazing on this site. I would appreciate it SO much. Thank you.

 

[jd83]

Have you considered taking her for some counseling? It could be just what you are thinking, that all the changes with your son's dad leaving, you remarrying, moving out of state, etc have really taken a toll on her and she is reacting quite badly to it all. She might do well with having a counselor to talk to about it, someone other than family. i think the approaches you have taken sound fine, as far as having tried consequences to actions, as well as trying positive reinforcements for good behavior. I think she just may need that extra bit of help from someone else maybe, to really let out what it is that's frustrating her. And then once they get to the bottom of it, you guys will be better able to help her through it once you all know what it is that's going on with her.

Hugs, best of luck

 

[seoj]

Like above- my best suggestion would be counseling. It sounds like she has a LOT of anger and/or resentment and taking it out on anyone she can. I can imagine that must be heart breaking- and I do get that you may have let some things slide a while back (due to circumstances)- but you can certainly set clear limits and boundaries now and moving forward.

You've done all else I would suggest- talking... positive reinforcement.. etc... we did a lot of that for my SD when she was younger. She didn't have anger issues, but anxiety (due to things her bio-mom put her through at a young age. And hubby got full custody of her soon after)- and she would try to argue and "proved her point" with just about anything! We too went to a few sessions with her- to get tools for US to help learn how to react to her (instead of getting sucked into an arguement with a 9yr old).

I know it's easier to say- and it will be work for all involved, but great progress can be made with time/effort. If it help, my SD continued to improved, our communication improved, and we all made it through together... and she has become such a lovely, self-assured, sweet young woman. She was always a sweet, loving kid- but since children lack self control or cognitive thinking- it's much easier for them to act out emotionally and not be able to reign it in till they are older.

Sorry no other great input. Wishing you the best!

 

[Shey]

Take her to a specialist, she could have adhd, or something and the specialist will be able to tell u and wat u can do.

My son gets out of control and we took him to the specialist today and diagnosed him with ADHD, Learning Disabilityand ASD.