Overnight Contact

[KiansMummy]

Heres a bit of background info bfore i start. FOB currently sees LO 2 x a week, still supervised with me and hes always been happy at that me and FOB are now friends and get on a bit and have a laugh. Anyway for some time FOB has been going on about going into the army. Tonight FOB has text me wanting to start unsuperised contact and overnights... Now ive no problm with the unsupervised ive known this was going to come soon, and kind of worked myself up for it... BUT.. OVERNIGHTS>??? Theres no way LO (16 months) or myself is ready for that, we co-sleep and LO is a very bad sleeper, ive only ever left him for one night since hes been born with mymum and he was so unsettled. I think it would make me ill id be so worried. So what can we do, he hasnt even had him unsupervised on his own yet, hes never changed a nappy, and doesnt no LO's routine.And i just think overnights are too long! I can see were FOB is coming from with wanting to spend time with him but i dont feel any of us are ready for that. please tell me im not being unreasonable. I feel sooo upset x

 

[Seraphim]

You're not being unreasonable.

We don't do overnights and H's daddy was here until she was 18 months old.

She wouldn't be happy. Simple as that.

It's no necessary to have LO while they're asleep.

He did mention it once and I just responded that I would facilitate him having a long visit from the start of the day til the end of the day (on the infrequent occasion) if he wanted more time.

HTH x

 

[KiansMummy]

Thankyou, just say it went to court though would i have to give him theoovernights then? x

 

[KiansMummy]

Oh an how do you go on for unsupervised contact, me and fob split whn i was pregnant so LO has never lived withhim andhas only been used to seeing him 2 x a week for a few hours, ?

 

[Laura2919]

I disagree. I'm sorry. I think its important to give them access if they are responsible and reliable. At one point your going to have to let go of the control you have with regards to his sleeping anyway. I'd maybe not let him have LO right now but I would start to think about getting him into sleeping by himself and prepare him so FOB can start to have him overnight. I think its important for FOB and for your LO. Some might think of it as just sleeping but if my girls do wake of a night I want them to know that its not just mummy who is there but daddy too. I know it seems like its pointless but for me its not.
From the very beginning access was in my hands. From day dot I told FOB he would have every other weekend Friday to Sunday and one day and night during the week. This seems a lot but really its not. Chloe and Jaycee love going to FOB's and to be honest its nice for me too.

As for unsupervised access I would build up to it. If he cant come a little more often for a few weeks so LO gets used to having LO why dont you pop to the shops or go for a walk for like 20 minutes and then make it a little longer each time until you and LO are both comfortable and then unsupervised access can start from there.

 

[lily2011]

I agree with Sera, especially if you're co-sleeping. If that's all a baby knows and he wakes up in the middle of the night and mommy isn't there, it can be very traumatic. Most courts get that, especially if he has never been a part of the overnight routine.

 

[Laura2919]

I agree with Sera, especially if you're co-sleeping. If that's all a baby knows and he wakes up in the middle of the night and mommy isn't there, it can be very traumatic. Most courts get that, especially if he has never been a part of the overnight routine.

Yeah but at some point the courts will ask why she isnt making the attempts to change his routine to accomodate FOB. He is 16 months old, not 5 months old. She doesnt have to be ready right now but she will have to be sooner or later.

 

[Seraphim]

I agree with Sera, especially if you're co-sleeping. If that's all a baby knows and he wakes up in the middle of the night and mommy isn't there, it can be very traumatic. Most courts get that, especially if he has never been a part of the overnight routine.

Yeah but at some point the courts will ask why she isnt making the attempts to change his routine to accomodate FOB. He is 16 months old, not 5 months old. She doesnt have to be ready right now but she will have to be sooner or later.

I think maybe different people have different situations.

My husband still wasn't able to put H to bed or nap when he left at 19 months old. Whether you call it responsible or reliable, he sure as hell wasn't investing in being about doing it. She still has milk in the night. That's how it would have been if he'd stayed and my bottom line is her life should resemble that which it was had he not chosen to get his kicks elsewhere.

 

[special_kala]

I agree with Sera, especially if you're co-sleeping. If that's all a baby knows and he wakes up in the middle of the night and mommy isn't there, it can be very traumatic. Most courts get that, especially if he has never been a part of the overnight routine.

Yeah but at some point the courts will ask why she isnt making the attempts to change his routine to accomodate FOB. He is 16 months old, not 5 months old. She doesnt have to be ready right now but she will have to be sooner or later.

I think maybe different people have different situations.

My husband still wasn't able to put H to bed or nap when he left at 19 months old. Whether you call it responsible or reliable, he sure as hell wasn't investing in being about doing it. She still has milk in the night. That's how it would have been if he'd stayed and my bottom line is her life should resemble that which it was had he not chosen to get his kicks elsewhere.

I have to agree.

Personally for me I will be looking at overnight stays when they are both 3 but River has never stayed out so that could be the difference.

Im not saying my way is right in general just right for me.

I would say unsupervised needs to be built up gradually so maybe a couple of hours to the park/soft play moving up to half a day then full days x

 

[Laura2919]

I agree with Sera, especially if you're co-sleeping. If that's all a baby knows and he wakes up in the middle of the night and mommy isn't there, it can be very traumatic. Most courts get that, especially if he has never been a part of the overnight routine.

Yeah but at some point the courts will ask why she isnt making the attempts to change his routine to accomodate FOB. He is 16 months old, not 5 months old. She doesnt have to be ready right now but she will have to be sooner or later.

I think maybe different people have different situations.

My husband still wasn't able to put H to bed or nap when he left at 19 months old. Whether you call it responsible or reliable, he sure as hell wasn't investing in being about doing it. She still has milk in the night. That's how it would have been if he'd stayed and my bottom line is her life should resemble that which it was had he not chosen to get his kicks elsewhere.

Breastfeeding is a bit different being FOB is completely unable to do it but co sleeping isnt. I'm not saying she has to do it like this weekend but she should start to think about it.
There is going to be a day where its going to happen.

 

[xKARENxBABYx]

me and FOB bulid contact up 3 days a week aiden was left with him from 5 months then at 9months i felt aiden was redy he knew his dad ect and i seen that he could get aiden off to sleep wheres before it was just me that could. he gets aiden every thursday 10-5 and every secound weekend sat10 sun 5. Yeah aiden was unsettled the first 2 weeks but now he loves going. though i sit and cry like a big baby! and me and aiden co-sleep. but its gpioing to court as hes not happy with contact. but well see! maybe up the days he see's kian? and he could maybe stay other and deal with kian? to see if he can cope ect and you're there?

 

[xKARENxBABYx]

ih and forgot to say my lawyer told me that if it went to court he would get overnights sucks but you'll get there. saying at aidens 15months and i still cry after he leaves!

 

[xSophieBx]

A judge wouldn't rule overnights immediately... He needs to prove himself and build up the unsupervised visits before that will even be considered.

On the days that he has him supervised with you, I would slowly start building up the unsupervised from there.. start off with 2 hours unsupervised and gradually build it up. LO is only 15months and has never lived with nor had unsupervised contact with fob yet so I wouldn't worry about overnights right now & explain the reasons why to fob as hopefully he'll understand.. especially when he realises he'll be up all night with an unsettled baby! Just say we'll start with and concentrate on 1 thing at a time and thats getting the unsupervised up and running.

 

[lauramarie]

I'm currently going through court atm, in June he had 3 hours of contact per week (FOB didn't meet LO until he was a year old) he now has his first overnight with him this sat from 12pm to 12pm Sunday, I'm dreading it courts expect u to gradually increase contact, normally every couple of months, until u get up to overnight, I was informed that it has nothing to do with the age of the child (I also think 3 is soon enough) FOB girlfriend is pregnant and due soon, but was also told this was not relevant, as people move on, and baby would be part of LO life!

What he is asking for atm is unrealistic, as he would have to build the contact up over time, but he would get overnights if he went to court, unless for any reason he was considered unfit to look after LO.