parental rights

[purpledahlia]

okay so i posted a thread today in single parents but not getting much of a response, single parents seems to be quite quiet these days. Plus im more comfortable in here

so heres the link - please help!!

https://www.babyandbump.com/single-parents/178541-help-parental-rightso.html

 

[MummyToAmberx]

All i can comment on is birth cert, i think every dad has the right to be on the birth cert. And, Should be on it to tbh. I remember ian mentioned to me, that someone at his work said to him, about there being papers to sign, which gives you or 1 of your family member all the rights. If, we'd gone through with it, OH would have no rights now in a say in anything for Amber. Not always best 10/20yrs down the line.

 

[purpledahlia]

i dont know what you mean...

i want him to sign it, but i dont want him to take my child to london if i got sick or something, i wanna know if its possible to have my mum have some responsibilities aswell. so if something happened to me she would have a say in things, so it would be joint with him and my mum? know what i mean? I amnt gonna stop him signing it if he wants to (we've not spoken about it really but im assuming he will want to be on it now he wants to be involved) IF he decides to sign it then changes his mind about being involved and turns his back again - does that still mean if i couldnt look after her that he could potentially take her with nobody's say? i saw on tv that if you live with your mum she also has joint rights? is that true?

 

[MummyToAmberx]

Im sure on 1 of the under age & pregnant, the grandmother signed something to get more rights into her daughters son's life.

i do understand what your saying though, its like my parents never seeing amber if something happened to me our familes live 250miles apart.

"IF he decides to sign it then changes his mind about being involved and turns his back again - does that still mean if i couldnt look after her that he could potentially take her with nobody's say?" <--- no idea sorry.

 

[purpledahlia]

oh i guess its not the case for me since im not underage! :S

 

[AlwaysPraying]

I think the best thing you could do is talk to a lawyer in your area. It sounds to me like you need to draft up a will, even a living will, to deal with this. That will set out who's responsible for what if in case you get too sick to take care of the baby or pass and aren't there.

He is the father and has every right to be on the birth certificate, that I agree with. Also, not having him sign does not take any rights away from him. All he would have to do is a blood test to prove he is the dad. You have to remember the next 18 years, your family may not be in the right place to take care of your child if that's the case. The father IS the father and has as much rights to the child as you do as the mother. Also, if you get him to sign away his parental rights, he is not obliged to pay any child support ever. Not that money is everything, but taking away his rights also takes away his responsibilities to care for that child, (money, food, shelter, etc).

Quite honestly, this is a long and complicated road and it sounds like your trying to figure everything out before hand. Which is good. What I see, from the outside is a father who's trying to make it work. You should see how far he's willing to go and in time you can see what kind of a dad he will become. The grandparents do have some responsibilities in this as well, that's why I think a lawyer could really help you understand best what the future could hold. Be careful about putting up a wall and pushing this potential dad out, that could upset him and drive him further away. I think every child should at least know the father and have the choice to have a relationship or not. Being as open as possible with him, and honest, could really work in your favour. It is very possible that he is willing to share responsibility with your mom in case of that situation, who knows? The possibilities are endless and a good talk might clear the air.

 

[purpledahlia]

I dont wanna push him out i also believe every child should have the right to know their pather and then let them make their own mind up about them. The thing that worries me is because hes already turned his back once, said he didnt want her and called me everyname under the sun - not that it matters what he called ME - but he did say he would never be involved etc, now he has decided he does want to be there for her... (he was cheating on his gf with me when i fell pregnant - no i DID NOT know he has a gf- and now theyve broken up-what if he gets another gf and 'changes' his mind again? im just worried im gonna go in too trusting and hes gonna screw me over again. )

Basically im all for letting him have the change to proove he does really care, and i dont really want a blank space on the cert, but i just dont know all the legalities of it because we're not together.

a will is a good idea, maybe if i can somehow broach the subject with him we could both go and make one at a solicitors so we both know whats going on...

i dont know if he is going to pay child support or help finacially, i dont know how to bring it up with him?

 

[jmac]

He is legally obliged to pay child support and you can enforce this through the Child Support Agency - here is the link to the website that will have all the info on how to contact them:

https://www.csa.gov.uk

Even if you get on better terms with him and decide not to go down this formal route, it pays to be informed and know where you stand and what obligations are.

Good luck.

 

[AlwaysPraying]

Sound like your doing all the right things! I think just talking to him, you might find a lot of information out. You should take confidence in the government that they will only allow a child to be in a safe and healthy home. If for some crazy reason he were to take the child that could be considered kidnapping, even if he is the father, stuff like that happens all the time. The legal system is there to protect the child and ensure that they are in the best situation possible. That generally means with one of the parents, but if either of those parents are not fit, then the government can intervene and ensure the child is with the next best person. Do you see what I mean? That's a drastic example, but from your first post about worrying if he could take the child to another city away from your family, there are things to help avoid just that.

I think from what you've said it's a trust issue with you and him, and is totally understandable. Part of you does need to trust him as he is the father, but your mothering nature is coming out strong to protect your child and that's a really good thing. Try not to get ahead of yourself and enjoy the last half of the pregnancy, have lots of good talks with him and see where it takes him. Maybe even tell him why your bringing it up (about trusting him when you already did trust him and he was lying about the gf).

 

[purpledahlia]

yeh iv been on there, i know he is obliged too but i dont wanna seem too demanding bringing it up.. like ok so when do i get your money?! haha! id rather he brought it up and we discussed it. but i dont know what will happen, im sure he is aware of the money issue... i dont know what he earns so i cant work out what percentage is id be entitled to for help, and he knows we will really need extra money. even just 40 quid a week wud be enough for nappies and wipes and creme. so far hes not offered or mentioned buying her anything. its a tricky situation..

 

[purpledahlia]

the only reason id be worried about the distance thing is because im moving back to scotland and he has already said about 3 times, no chance of me staying down here?! i have no family down here and its too expensive, i said i had no support network here to which he replied ''what if i did have one... i guess it is all down to trust and yeah i dont have much of that for him now.
and he has got back in touch just before i move aswell which doesnt help... maybe he will come up to scotland at some point before im due, but again, where would he stay.. i think hes annoyed that he looks like such a bad guy to my family, and doesnt want it to be like that. But its his fault it is?!

 

[MummytoShan]

My ex has Parental responsabiity on my little girl who is 8 in September. It was the worst thing I have ever done, been trough hell and back with my ex and it has only just ended last month thank goodness. Ex has had no contact with my daughter (his choice) until he springs up out of nowhere and all hell breaks loose, he is a complete stranger to my daughter who was forced by the courts and all involved to sit upset for 2 hours at a contact centre each month. She was showing signs of OCD and more people became involved and got this all stopped. PR stays till they are 18 years old and once they have it it cannot be removed. If anything was to happen to you you baby/child would go to him not your parents unless he has had nothing to do with the child or your child would be put at risk. This is all I know about it hope it helps x x x

 

[purpledahlia]

yeah, thats what my mums saying too. sorry to hear about your little girl.
I guess i need to figure out from now till the birth if i can trust him to do the right thing. i dont wanna make a mistake god forbid i got ill or something. i woudlnt want him to come and take her back to london with him. so i guess it is all down to him as a person,

any ideas on how to broach the subject with him without offending him or pushing him away? same with the money thing?

 

[MummytoShan]

yeah, thats what my mums saying too. sorry to hear about your little girl.
I guess i need to figure out from now till the birth if i can trust him to do the right thing. i dont wanna make a mistake god forbid i got ill or something. i woudlnt want him to come and take her back to london with him. so i guess it is all down to him as a person,

any ideas on how to broach the subject with him without offending him or pushing him away? same with the money thing?

It depends what sort of person he is Hunnie, mine was horrid, abusive and violent too, so that hepled me decide what was best for me and my daughter in the end but it was not until she was born did I realise it. If he is an ok person just ask him out right, he can still be in her life but he has to realise that children need stability in there lives and connot be let down i.e turn up sometimes and not others. As for the money side of it it is up to him if he wants to pay I have been going through the CSA for 6 years and have only just started getting some money off him. In the end you have your family to support you (not just with money but everything) and if he don't want to contribute to your child that is up to him, I would just ask him what he wants fomr this and go from there. let me know what happens.

Hugs to you Hunnie x x x

 

[purpledahlia]

yeah. hes already said that its feesable to visit each other throughout the year, but for me its not, its 150ish for just the train ticket down, without food , hotel and extra travel like the train and bus to the main station and transport while here. i cant see how ill ever get the chanceto bring her down if he cant help with money, we will be living off i think about 100 a week, for everything.

anyways ill see how it goes, and at some point say we need to have a serious conversation, about parental responsibilities, birth cert, money and surname.

i amnt gonna budge on the name, i wont have a diff name from my child he will just have to deal with that one.

 

[Perdita]

I can't even get the father to respond to e-mail! I don't want to have to leave the fathers name blank but I don't think I can put his name down without his permission?? I heard through a friend that's he's seeing someone else but I don't care about that - I don't want him as a partner I just want his name on the birth certificate and for him to help out a bit!
Men always have the option to walk away from the pregnancy and I feel very alone with this, he told me he wanted me to have a termination which is so simple for him to say when it wouldn't be him lying on the table having it done.

 

[purpledahlia]

i was told i was a silly little evil cow for not 'getting rid of this problem' !!

you cant put his name on without him being there dude, that i do know. HE has to sign it if you want him on it. Its just law, he cant put your name on either. I guess all we can do is wait and see..

 

[MummytoShan]

yeah. hes already said that its feesable to visit each other throughout the year, but for me its not, its 150ish for just the train ticket down, without food , hotel and extra travel like the train and bus to the main station and transport while here. i cant see how ill ever get the chanceto bring her down if he cant help with money, we will be living off i think about 100 a week, for everything.

anyways ill see how it goes, and at some point say we need to have a serious conversation, about parental responsibilities, birth cert, money and surname.

i amnt gonna budge on the name, i wont have a diff name from my child he will just have to deal with that one.

No I wouldn't either my lovely, and if he said that to you then he aint worth a second chance. I would not even speak to him, but then that is just me, it takes two and if he didn't want any children then he should have done something about it. I don't think it is fair leaving it up to the woman all the time, why should we fill our bodies with all these pills injections and coils???

If he wants to see her then he will have to come to you and if not then he will have to pay for you to go down to London. Just talk to him and tell him, don't ask, he has a responsability too it is up to him if he does. Anyway you will be fine on your own I know it don't seem like it now and you are a bit scared but I promise you you will cope, us Mum's always do x x x x x to you.