Partner issues again - reaching end of my tether

[neverbeast88]

I had an issue during first tri which was in the middle of seemingly continuous cramps and bleeds etc. Long story short my partner and his mother were causing me a lot of stress, stress which I was vocal about with him and I thought he understood. All I wanted was to be happy and have a stable relationship for him, my daughter from a previous relationship and myself and baby.
Months ago his mother sent me a nasty text saying I should grow up because I wasn't doing what she suggested (I did ask her advice tbh) but she was telling me to basically support my partner at the cost of my own opinions/feelings. Since then she's been very negative and what I believe was a primary cause of my partner acting out and second guessing my views/opinions/values etc.... Example being he commented he buys me things but I don't buy him things. I had just bought my sister a small present for her to take back to uni with her. He said I never do that for him.
Anyway last week she all but told him he either end it with me or he has to move out as this is all affecting her and she's fed up of our ups and downs. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have tried to be upbeat but I had had enough and started feeling low beginning of last week. Then a couple days ago she has suddenly changed her mind and wants the best for my partner and I (he was meant to be at mine for 5 but wasn't here till 6:20 because he was dropping his mother somewhere) and my partner wants me to accept her 'appology' (shes never appologised to me) and put tride my hatred/anger at her.
Team this with my partner now wanting to change jobs again because he's not happy which means we won't have a deposit and possibly won't be living together before baby gets here. He says he needs to be happy for us to work. He wants to go get a new bike or two (downhill and mountain) as he misses his bikes. I just feel he's not as commited as he said he was.

Basically I love him but I can't forgive his mother for contributing to nearly 16 weeks of misery. I can't cope with my partners instability job wise especially at the moment. I feel so run down. I left him before (I posted a similar thread in first tri) and he said he would change etc. But I'm just so tried and fed up of feeling rubbish all the time.

Any advice or just words of wisdom would be amazing. Sorry for such a long, depressing, ranting thread.

 

[Hotbell312]

Not depressing at all. I think you need to explain to him that for right now, since you are carrying his child, your priorities should take precedence. He should understand clearly that excess stress and worry can affect your pregnancy. If you have your own place, I would take some distance and time from him to revaluate your options and let him miss you a little and then maybe after awhile talk to him about where you see this relationship going. Good luck

 

[mac1979]

This may sound harsh but bear with me. What I am seeing is, "I love him but he and his mother are causing me to cramp and bleed with my pregnancy". "I him but he is putting his happiness in from of our stability". "I love him but he isn't showing support for me". "I love him but he wants me to buy him things". You may love him, but he isn't showing it back in the least. It should never be "I love him, but..." It should just be "I love him". You deserve that, to love someone openly and for him to love and support you and show it.

In the least, ask yourself if you would want your daughter to ever feel the way you have felt during this pregnancy?

I hope this helps, like I said, I hope it isn't too harsh (especially with pregnancy hormones), it sometimes helps to get check like that.

 

[neverbeast88]

This may sound harsh but bear with me. What I am seeing is, "I love him but he and his mother are causing me to cramp and bleed with my pregnancy". "I him but he is putting his happiness in from of our stability". "I love him but he isn't showing support for me". "I love him but he wants me to buy him things". You may love him, but he isn't showing it back in the least. It should never be "I love him, but..." It should just be "I love him". You deserve that, to love someone openly and for him to love and support you and show it.

In the least, ask yourself if you would want your daughter to ever feel the way you have felt during this pregnancy?

I hope this helps, like I said, I hope it isn't too harsh (especially with pregnancy hormones), it sometimes helps to get check like that.

Not depressing at all. I think you need to explain to him that for right now, since you are carrying his child, your priorities should take precedence. He should understand clearly that excess stress and worry can affect your pregnancy. If you have your own place, I would take some distance and time from him to revaluate your options and let him miss you a little and then maybe after awhile talk to him about where you see this relationship going. Good luck

Thank you for replying and no it wasn't harsh at all. I just hate how weak I feel at saying the obvious. Pregnancy hormones are driving me to madness that I don't know which way is up. I feel so sad and I didn't know if I was being harsh on me or him or both and if I was being unfair through that.

We just spoke again and basically me not being able to forgive his mum right off the bat means I'm putting more pressure on the situation basically.

I think you guys are right and I thank you for your replies.

 

[Spudtastic]

Hi Neverbeast. I really hope everything improves for you. I'm reading in your post that your partner is quite selfish. He thinks about himself more. He shouldn't buy bikes before the house deposit. ..or you both agree that you save for a house deposit but $10 per week can go into a bike fund.
The thing is...is he always going to put himself and his mother first. I'd also be very very grumpy and stressed with a mil like that in my life.

I'm not really good at helping with where to go from here ie how to fix it. Just that I hope it all goes well.

 

[neverbeast88]

Thanks guys. Yesterday we had a good chat and everything felt a bit happier after. I sent a text to his mother to clear the air... against my better judgement but felt it would help us and make him happy. I also properly opened up about everything and why I act/feel the way I do which I never do with anyone because of past issues etc I find it very difficult face to face. Which was all undermined when he dropped me back home and went in a sulk because he couldnt stay over. I was tired from the day and he evidently was too and my mother had been looking after my DD all day which wasn't fair on her. My 3 year old DD came out and asked if he was staying etc and he said no and he didnt know why he couldnt say and mummy was saying no. He refused to wave bye to me and in turn didn't wave by to my DD who was asking why.
And I havent heard from him since.

 

[Hotbell312]

No matter what you are strong and will be ok. I don't mean to judge, but his actions seem a little immature. You have to look after your needs and your two babies and everything else will fall into place.

 

[neverbeast88]

No matter what you are strong and will be ok. I don't mean to judge, but his actions seem a little immature. You have to look after your needs and your two babies and everything else will fall into place.

Thank you. My mother (to sound like a child myself but I was just lost for any more words to say) had a word with him. I kinda thought things were better but now he's on about definitely getting a road bike (£750+) or a mountain/downhill bike (£1000+) as well as changing jobs for something with more free time but a lot less pay.
Maybe I am being selfish and putting too much pressure on the situation. I mean with regards to how I spend, yeh sometimes I go OTT (not in league with bikes maybe buy a DVD) but my money goes on the stability of the future. I gave up my masters place and my long for wish of moving to the coast... Which is something he wanted to do but told my mum it wouldn't be happening soon as he likes living here.

I love him so much and I know I'm being so damn stupid.

 

[mac1979]

Tell him if he gets the bike then he doesn't get you and have that be the end of it...and stick to it. He doesn't respect you and doesn't deserve you. Maybe go see a counselor for yourself and sort out your thoughts with someone impartial.

 

[neverbeast88]

We were meant to meet up today and didn't. It's his birthday Sunday and because my DD gets tired at meals I politely excused ourselves from the meal. He's been a bit off so I asked if he still wanted the baby or us and he said: I just want everything to be okay and us to be happy! Just not feeling good right now! ... Just feel so dispondant.

 

[neverbeast88]

Yesterday was my sisters birthday and I had the gender scan (it was meant to be with babybond and they kept cancelling and changing times and dates so cancelled it altogether) but as selfish as it sounds I wanted it to be a purely happy moment and not consumed with my partner being his selfish self and so he didn't come. I told him afterwards and he made it all about him saying its his baby etc and didn't take I to account that he has all but ruined the last 16+ weeks of this pregnancy. We had a massive argument and I ended it.... He messaged me later like nothing was wrong and said all he said was wish he could of been there...basically blaming me again.
I've had enough and can't take his selfishness anymore.

 

[mac1979]

Just repeat this "We deserve better.". Tell him that too. And what flavor of baby are you having?

 

[neverbeast88]

Just repeat this "We deserve better.". Tell him that too. And what flavor of baby are you having?

Thank you.
And its a BOY!!