Party politics

[whatwillbex]

Hi

So my dd is 4 and doesn't get invited to any parties.
I wasn't worried about it and just assumed people were having smaller parties as they are expensive or not having them. I don't really talk to lots of the parents but I say hi and have a bit of small chat etc. It's only recently I've noticed quite a few times that they have all came running out with invitations and then the odd parent has then started to chat to me about how x went to x's party the other week got me thinking.
I know the world doesn't work like that and dd shouldn't be invited to every party because unfortunately that's just life.
It's just her teacher tells me all the time how popular she is. On pick up they are all saying bye to my dd aswell which I believed she was doing well at school socially which I was relieved as I was a really shy child.
We haven't had a party for dd yet as we have just done family day trips instead. I'm feeling bad that me not being social or dd not having a party could maybe be the reason, I don't know? I wasn't worried but wow it does break your heart when you see them all come running out excited with these envelopes and dd is once again empty handed. I can't really do anything about it, thats just life I suppose but its still sad x

 

[MindUtopia]

I would try not to take it too personally and maybe use it as a good reason to get to know other parents more. Mine is 4 as well and generally we've had small parties at home with mostly family and a just a couple friends and their parents (who we have known for years). Her 4th birthday was the first birthday we invited a lot of children for a big party that was all kids and still everyone we invited was generally someone whose parents we knew. We didn't invite all the kids in her age group. It just would have been too many. We did invite all her close friends, but I don't know that I would have invited many of them if we didn't know their families already as it's just too much. So if you aren't already friendly with other parents, it may just be they feel it's a bit of an imposition or like it might be awkward to invite you blindly even when you don't know each other. I know it's about the children, but it still is a lot of pressure on parents too and we still tend to invite groups who already know each other, so we aren't running around making small talk and introducing everyone to everyone else. We've only started to receive invites this year, but even still the ones we've been invited to, again were for friends whose parents we knew. I know there have been other parties that we haven't been invited to where we just didn't know the parents.

It might be a good reason to start inviting more friends over to play or for a party of her own. It's generally fairly reciprocal. If you invite others to her party, she's likely to get invited to theirs. You also get to know the other parents that way. I would say most of the invites we've gotten have been children we invited to her party, whose parents we sort of knew then, but who we've gotten closer to since. If one of us hadn't extended the invitation initially, we probably wouldn't have met. Some children aren't very talkative about who their friends are and I had to pry the information out of mine about who she wanted at her party (even though she's known all these friends for 3 years now). I also had to ask the teachers who they thought we should invite. If other parents aren't as proactive, I think it can be easy for many children to get overlooked, especially if their parents aren't already people they know. I would invite widely at her next party and then I think you'll likely see an increase invitations she gets after that once other parents start to get to know her and you. I wouldn't take it too personally though as it's often a matter of the squeaky wheel gets the oil. If you make an effort to extend invitations to others for parties, playdates, etc., then usually other people feel less awkward doing the same.

 

[lau86]

Sorry your dd has not been invited, I would be upset too. Mindutopia may be right in what she says about parents inviting children of the parents they know, especially at this age (as often the children are not forthcoming about who they want).
Personally, I am not interested in a popularity contest. I rarely speak to other parents, I am shy and dislike small talk (there are a couple I have built relationships with). If that means my son doesn't get invited to a party, so be it. My son has never had a party (only with family) and is having his first one this year, he can invite whoever he wants. I will also be inviting my friends children as extras to the ones he wants.
Don't worry, it's great your daughter is popular and if people aren't inviting her on the basis that they don't know you that's not right imo.
I know I am quite sensitive but since I've had kids I've been amazed at how upset I can get over other parents/ their attitudes and behaviours (I'm sure they don't even mean to do it either)

 

[whatwillbex]

Thanks, I know it sounds daft but you get a real pang of mummy guilt. If someone said this to me before having children I would have been like and... since becoming a mum I'm so much more sensitive to social things like cliques etc. You're right. I've always been quite independent and not into cliques or big on social events and dd is the going the same way I think probably because she doesn't see me with a close group of friends just lots of people. Might have to rethink her birthday and put our self's out there as she is starting a new school in September and she's a Nov baby. Thank you so much for your replies x