People invalidating our feelings...

[Amy89]

So, my boy was born last Sunday at 35 weeks exactly. He couldn't breathe for himself, feed, or keep us temp up. I was induced because he wasn't growing or moving.

The majority of the time, people are just leaving me be, offering support without being full-on, which is lovely, but sometimes I feel like I'm not allowed to be sad, because other people have it worse.

I feel like I'm unjustified in being upset because my son wasn't super early. Like he doesn't count as premature. It's not even that, some people make out he shouldn't be in NICU because he's too big. I'm fed up of people having their babies earlier and saying "Well, my lo was born at 34 weeks and nev had to go to NICU." Gee, that makes me feel better.
My nan (although she means well and is trying to make me feel better) says stuff like I should be happy I didn't get to the uncomfortable stage, that if he had gone to term he would have been huge and I'm lucky I didn't have to birth a massive baby, that at least I'll be rested when he comes home, etc etc. I know that if I'd gone full term I would have been whining about being uncomfortable and probably would be screaming to get him out, and birthing a massive baby would have been hard, of course I'm not rested - I spend all my time at hospital, or at home worrying, I get no sleep because he should be next to me.
I know we could have it worse, but I HATE people saying "At least he's not fighting for his life", "At least he wasn't any earlier". I KNOW that, but does that mean my hurt is any less? Does that mean I'm not allowed to be sad because my son is still in hospital? Does that mean I'm ungrateful because he isn't worse? No, it's my situation right now, and it hurts me regardless.
People who say that I shouldn't be sad because he's not been in NICU long enough...yeah he's only 8 days old, but he's spent those 8 days in the hospital, and that makes me sad. I know some babies are in there for months, and that is heartbreaking, but does that make my experience less worthy? Does that mean I can't be sad?

I feel like I'm not welcome on these boards because I haven't had a super early baby, because he hasn't been in there long enough, because he was a healthy weight for his gestation. I don't expect parents of babies who've had it worse than me to be super sympathetic, I don't expect to be made to feel like I'm unjustified in my feelings.

I can't even make sense of my feelings at the minute, let alone explain them to anyone else. I can't go to the parents meetings because my son is doing too well. How can I sit there and be sad when they have it much worse than me? I can't. I feel like I have nowhere to grieve the last month of pregnancy, the missed first couple of weeks of my sons life that we should be experiencing at home.

I know this is probably really rambly and jumbled up, I have all these thoughts just exploding in my head and trying not to let them come screaming out is so hard.

During my induction I was begging them to get him out of me because I was so uncomfortable and worried about him, now I'd give anything to have him back in there, and that makes me feel guilty. I feel like I'm a bad mother because I couldn't grow him long enough or properly. I feel like a bad parent because im not with him 24/7. I feel bad when I leave him in there, yet people just say that he's better off in there. It doesn't ease my guilt any, it just makes me feel worse because he shouldn't be in there. He should still be in my tummy. I wake up without a bump and without a baby and it breaks my heart. I feel so empty, like I'm in a bubble and everything and everyone is outside of it, numb to everything going on around me.
And then someone comes along and says "well my lo was a 34 weeker and didn't need an NICU stay", or "My baby was in there months, be thankful you won't have to do that". Yes, I am thankful, but I'd actually give anything to not be having this conversation at all.

I just don't know how to make sense of any of this. I feel like it's all my fault

And I can't even begin to think about how my poor OH must be feeling. He must feel so helpless. It makes me feel even worse just thinking about it. I hate myself for putting him through this.

 

[sbl]

Hi!
First off congratulations on the birth of your little guy.
My lo was born at 35 weeks too. Although she needed no help breathing she also was a poor feeder in the beginning.
Is lo still having a hard time regulating temp?
What weight was he?
Your totally justified in how you feel. Regardless of how many weeks gestation your baby is preemie your entitled to be upset.
Of course you are!!
You are leaving your baby every night and if your anything like me you'll be crying your heart out and weeping your way off to sleep.
I know that parents late term preemies do not have the hardships of very preemie babys but we are still allowed to feelings hun.
Your not alone

xxx

 

[MummyMana]

*hugs* you can talk to me of you like, I have a late premie too who is now doing fantastically it's a hard time having just had a baby, especially of it doesn't go as planned, so it's normal to feel things such as "it's along fault" when it's definitely not! I was lucky enough to stay with my baby in the hospital, but at the time I was convinced they was holding me prisoner! I hope your baby is in your arms soon

 

[TheNewMrsB]

Congratulations hun!

My son was born at 34+6 after being induced to. He weighed 4lbs 6oz and we stayed in hospital for 12 days. Nothing went the way I had wanted it to - He went blue twice in the delivery room when he was born so nope skin to skin and I didn't get to see him properly for 4 hours after he was born. When i did he was in a hot cot breathing on his own but his machine kept beeping And it was upsetting!

I haven't had to my face the 'at least you didn't have to deliver him full term' but I know my uncle has said it to my dad and it does piss me off. I still got a second degree tear!

I never thought about my son being early it was either he wouldn't make it at all or he would be term.

You are in shock and post pregnancy hormones are a bitch! I cried every other day for 2 weeks. Just focus on your amazing little miracle and stuff everyone else! I found it helpful to read up on info about prem babies etc

Having a baby should never be seen as a competition ie 'mine was earlier' or 'I breastfed and you didnt' all babies and births are special no matter at when they arrived or how they got here x

 

[MommyGrim]

Massive congrats! I know how you feel. I had my twins at 34+3 and they spent 10 days in the NICU. It was absolutely horrible. They couldn't keep their temp, eat, and my LB had issues breathing. It really did seem like I wasn't allowed to be upset because the twins were a good weight (5 lb 11 and 4 lb 9) and didn't have a huge amount of problems. While I'm SO grateful they were able to cook for as long as they did but that didn't make their stay in the NICU any easier on us.

 

[Feathers]

Your experience is yours and yes other people have things worse but you know most of us can nearly always say that.

To have your baby in NICU is scary as hell, even if they are bigger than the other babies in there! It doesn't mean we can't feel bad for the people who have months of stay ahead of them, whose babies are smaller, but at the end of the day YOUR baby is away from YOU which is an experience many mums thankfully never have to go through.

I cried bucketloads when I was on the labour recovery ward and all the other Mums had their babies with them and mine was at the other side of the hospital in an incubator wired up and I couldn't hold her. It IS hard. It is a scary and traumatic thing even if your LO is bigger than the other babies in there. And going home without your little one is hard, even harder when they are further on and you kind of...expect that they will be coming home with you. You are still at home sleeping whilst your baby is there in hospital and it goes against every natural Mummy instinct that we have.

Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't justified in being upset over your LO's situation. My DD was born at 38+6 so she was by far the largest baby on there (despite being IUGR) and yes when I saw the tiny preemies I felt grateful that she was better off than that, but you know...I'm still dealing with the aftermath of her stay. She still has many problems now because of her birth experience whereas some of the Mums I met on the NICU who stayed longer have children who are just fine now.

I hope your LO is out soon! NICU is a horribly scary place whatever week your baby was born at and a day can feel like an eternity. *hugs* You are perfectly entitled to support from friends and family and on here too. You are not the only one on here with an older baby who stayed on the NICU!

 

[lozzy21]

I know exactly how you feel, I'm on my way out right now but il come back and reply later. Massive hugs.

 

[sunnylove]

I'm an early preemie mom who has had the feelings you are describing. (Note: they are just feelings and I know are not justifiable.) That you should be so grateful your son wasn't born any earlier, or even wondering why you are complaining. I know my feelings aren't right, because even though your LO was born 9 weeks after mine, you still have to deal with your child being in the NICU, with the extreme stress and exhaustion that comes with having to go visit your own child, and constantly thinking about him when you're home. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I wanted to sock people in the face anytime my DH or I remarked at how tired we were when LO was in the hospital and people would say "HA! You're tired now?? Wait till he comes home!" When in reality, once my LO came home, it was a huge burden lifted off. We were so much less stressed, we both slept much better (ironically). People who've never had a baby in the NICU will NEVER understand what it's like. When my LO got bigger, my parents would tell me that he was fine and needed to go home. I know they were just thinking of me when saying this, but it upset me when they had a SERIOUS talk with me and told me I needed to sit down with a doctor and tell him it was time for my LO to go home. Yes, he was 7 pounds, but he couldn't eat properly. It's something non-NICU parents don't understand. Actually, ironically enough my mother had a NICU baby too and still didn't understand it (he was only in NICU for 7 days). People think that because LO is a certain size, he could go home. Or I would get comments like "My so-and-so's kid was 4lbs 15ozs at birth and got to go home." OKAY. Your so-and-so's kid wasn't born 14 weeks early.

Feel what you want to feel and don't let anybody tell you you're wrong. No, you don't have to deal with a 3-month long NICU stay, but you also weren't planning on having your LO 5 weeks early, either. And don't blame yourself; nothing good will come of that. I was carrying a perfect baby and the only reason he came 14 weeks early was because I literally couldn't carry him (in essence he just fell out). I played the blame game for weeks, but finally decided I just couldn't anymore; there was no point. I didn't DO anything to get incompetent cervix, and I certainly couldn't have done anything to prevent it. So I had to stop blaming myself and be strong for my son.

 

[Fleur29]

I can't really add anything than the other lovely ladies haven't already said but huge huge hugs. I too am a late preemie mum (my 34 weeker is now a thriving 2 year old!) and honestly couldve written your post! You feel like you're in no mans land with a late preemie because on the one hand - no they're not an early 2lb-er who will be in nicu for months - but neither are they like a full term baby. It's an odd place to be. Please don't feel these boards are not for you or unwelcoming. There are so many lovely ladies on here - late preemie mums and early preemie mums who have been through/are going through what you're going through and that support is so invaluable.

Huge hugs - I hope your son can come home very soon. The days my daughter spent in scbu (9 in total) were the longest days of my life so I completely understand how you're feeling xxxx