Personal family situation... need your take...

[lilmisscaviar]

This is going to be a long post so please bear with me while I try to recount everything. Please do not judge, as I've tried everything in my power to resolve this. I'm just looking for advice.

I am an only child. When I was pregnant with my first baby, I was young, inexperienced and wanted my mother to be in the room with me. When the time came, not only was my mother in the room, but my father as well and because of this I think it made them have a HUGE attachment to my first born (think of adoptive parents being at the birth watching the birth mother have the baby and having an instant bond) but after that they'd watch my other kid(s) during the birth so they weren't in the room with any of the others.

They used to watch my oldest son and every once in a while the baby at the time to give me a break but that stopped as soon as my daughter started preschool, which was when they started to become overbearing. They drove her to school as I was not able to at the time due to work, and then would take her overnights on the weekends. At first I was ok with it, as I had two other children to care for and it gave me time to bond with the others. This was my first big mistake.

They began doting on her. They'd buy her gifts all the time. Her bedroom at their house was full of toys that they purchased for her. They threw out the baby crib that was in her room, pretty much saying that they weren't going to watch any more babies ever again. They never took any of the kids overnight except her, and then they even stopped offering to watch them during the daytime. Basically they favored her right out in front of my other kids. She'd even get the most presents from them at Christmastime. One time they took both her and my son to their house. Well my son got sick and they brought him right back home in disgust. My daughter became sick later that night and they took loving care of her.

I don't like to be confrontational - just not my way because I never had to growing up as an only child - but I had talked to my mother about this several times, even a couple times very heated. I explained that I didn't mind her spending time with my oldest daughter, but she needed to start spending time with the others too or she wasn't going to see anybody because I grew up with favoritism amongst my grandparents (my oldest cousin was always babied) and I didn't want to expose my children to that hurt. She promised to change and to spend time with them more, and did a couple times over the holiday to help us out, but never offered again. She keeps saying "oh I need to get the other kids one day" but never does.

When my daughter started kindergarten, things became worse. My parents have started taking me for granted. They have picked her up from school and taken her to their house without my asking. They even showed up to her school for her class's Christmas party without asking me! The school probably thinks we have nothing to do with her. When I tell her to stop, she just persists. If I don't answer the phone, she'll come over. If I don't answer the door, she'll pound on the windows or go around the back to see if we're in the yard. Our yard is gated, by the way, and she just lets herself in. In a couple extreme instances she called the cops thinking something had happened to me.

She has made my life absolute hell. I'm now afraid to leave the house, even to go outside, because we live on a farm and I can't always hear when a care pulls up in the driveway so she can still sneak up on me without me hearing her. Telling her to leave only works temporarily. She says she can't stay mad at people (and manipulates me by saying she doesn't understand how family can ignore each other which makes me feel guilty) and then she's back within a week. Being inside all the time has led me to depression. The best solution would be to move away as far as possible to cut family ties, however we don't really have the money right now to do so. I'm not sure what other option we have though, which is why I'm looking for similar experiences and/or advice.

Again I apologize for my post being so long...

 

[noon_child]

That sounds very difficult. It sounds like she does really care about you but is very controlling. Perhaps also there is an aspect of not seeing you as a grown up who can make their own decisions. I know it can be very difficult when people have helped us out in our time of need, we feel we owe them, but while we may owe them gratitude it doesn't mean they have "earned" the right to do whatever they like.

I think it's important you separate out the issues so you can tackle them one at a time (the favouritism thing seems very different from invading your privacy constantly) and sort out what in your mind you can let slide and what needs addressing. For example, for me, them turning up at the Christmas play can be forgiven, but picking her up from school without asking/telling you is absolutely not acceptable.

I would then address each thing separately so there is less chance they will feel attacked (you mention it is both parents doing it, but only that you've spoken to your mum and it's her who doesn't understand and oversteps her boundaries - would including your dad in these conversations help?)

One of the problems you may have addressing these concerns is that it works best the quicker you do it, if you have to drag something up from a year ago because it still bothers you, the other person is thinking "What's this go to do with the situation now?" so you will be best using examples of things that have happened recently OR things that happened a while back but were so unacceptable they have affected how you react to even little things that happen most recently. Be really specific so NOT "When you act like you are DD's parents" but more "When last December you collected DD from school without asking..." and follow a structure of

1)Explain the problem: "When you collected DD from school without asking..."
2)Say how it made you feel: "It made me feel terrified, as for a moment I didn't know where she was" or "It made me embarrassed that the school thought I couldn't even keep track of my kids" or "It made me frustrated because I had plans for what we were going to do together and that got ruined" or all 3 if you want but keep to the point
3)Then say what you need: "I need you to always ask my permission before collecting her or taking her anywhere, and respect my answer in I say no"
4) Give consequences, what will happen if then don't do as you ask "If you don't do this I will lose all trust in you and feel like I have no control over my life. This will make me resent you and our relationship will suffer." If you feel this sounds ungrateful you can add "Which I don't want because I love you and your help and support have been so important to me."

It isn't a magic fix but following these 4 steps (and each one is vital) makes it about preserving relationships, not blaming people for who they are. It's about finding solutions and reinforcing boundaries and communicating what our boundaries are. Of course sometimes what people need from us is unacceptable to us (for example if someone said they needed us to stop hanging out with our friends because it made them feel insecure, it would be an unacceptable) but I think what you are asking from your parents is totally acceptable - I don't know anyone who wouldn't want to be asked permission before taking their child. This is another reason to be really specific, because "Ask permission before collecting her" seems doable and small and normal but "Stop acting like you are her parents" is huge and vague and open to interpretation.

Hope this helps in some way.