Please be my shoulder.. :(

[fizzypop]

I don't really know where to post this.. but just need to vent somewhere. Basically things with DH have not been good since, well, DD was born almost 3 years ago. I put on a lot of weight and he really hated me for it. I fell pregnant (planned) with DD2 (due tomorrow!) and since day one of this pregnancy he has said that he doesn't want the baby because he doesn't like me. He won't leave because he won't pay for two kids. I can't leave because I have nowhere to go and no money whatsoever (he controls it).

Anyway, things have got increasingly worse at home (tense/he's snapping etc), I guess because the baby will be here soon. it all got too much so I called my mum in tears.. she just said that it's my own fault for letting myself go. Compared me to my cousin whi got married soon after me (she's not had children?!) - she is still slim and attractive.

I'm devastated. What happened to loving and supporting someone despite their appearance? I don't know.. I just feel so... awful. I want to cry and cry and cry.

 

[RaspberryK]

You are in a horrible situation, I can't believe your mum - what an awful thing to say! If my DH hated me for my weight I couldn't love him or stay with him, it's completely unfair of him to say that about the baby because he TTC with you.
Just don't think there's no way out, if you want to or need to leave/get him to leave (sorry don't know your housing situation at the moment) then there is advice to be had and as a single mother with 2 babies and no where else to go you would be high up on the social housing list.
He would have to pay maintenance, he has no choice in the matter!
If you stay I would demand the money situation change - that is abusive behaviour.
xx

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so sorry and I can't believe your mother could talk to you like that. I would tell you if you were my daughter to pack your shit and come to my house.. If by chance you can't go there she should just support you and be there for you..

Your DH sounds like a real winner.He should be encouraging you and standing by you .. Good God especially now.. I can't even imagine how your feeling I feel horrible he is treating you like this..I know nothing of the UK system so I can't advise, but I agree he is abusing you. Do you have anyone to turn to for a little support? I really hope you have someone..

 

[Ashersmomma]

I am so sorry that you are going through this And I can't believe your own mom said that to you. Your man should love you no matter how you look. I've always been overweight, but I'm currently 50lbs heavier than I was when DH and I met and have been for over 2 years. He still loves me for who I am, not how I look.
I agree with Raspberry. You need to try to get out of that situation. It's not good for you or your children. Is there anyone else you can turn to for help? Another family member, or a friend? Are there any government services that can help?

 

[alex_22]

I'm so sorry your going through this sorry but he sounds like a moron he can't hate you that much if he's quite happy to get you pregnant sounds to me like he's just saying things he knows hurts you the most and your mam if you were my daughter I'd be to take away because he wouldn't have a mouth left to say those awful things to you!

Please block out all of his negativity don't listen to it and don't believe it. Listen to your daughter listen to her tell you she loves you, listen to her tell you your beautiful, enjoy having her little arms wrapped around your neck and know that that is all that matters

He will 1 day go on to be a very miserable man don't let him drag you down! Huge hugs xxx

 

[fizzypop]

Thank you so much ladies. I feel desperately sad. How awful must I be if even my own parents don't love me despite my weight?

I honestly feel I have no one in the world to care for me. I'm terrified of the birth and the following weeks - I have no one on Earth to hold my hand, or love me. Except my 2 year old!

I do plan on leaving.. just not sure how to get out without his cooperation.

This is all just a bit too much right now. I need to have my baby amd then heal from that... but with no support whatsoever? I have friends obviously, but no one who can support me the way I need. So I'll do it alone.. me and my girls.

 

[RaspberryK]

You can do it, you are stronger than you know!
Plan and get evidence and advice on the best way to proceed.
It's terrible that you worry you couldn't get out without his cooperation.
Dh and I have had a terrible time over the past few years, some of it during this pregnancy which is part of the reason we are still together I guess as I felt unable to cope alone and didn't think it would help to leave. But I know if I wanted him to leave or if I wanted to leave he wouldn't stop me or make it difficult for me to do so and vice versa.
I would strongly recommend taking to your midwife and getting extra support through her.
Xx

 

[Ashersmomma]

None if this is your fault. Their inability to care is solely on them, not you. They are the flawed ones. And I agree, talk to your midwife. She may be able to provide you with more support during this time, and may have information on more resources you may need.

 

[Tmb0047]

Do not for a second think this is your fault! Relationships aren't always easy, but at no point is your partner given the right to abuse you.

I left my ex husband when my eldest was 4 and my youngest (at the time) was 5 months. I was terrified to go it alone, but it was the best decision I have ever made. Being a single mom with two little ones is not easy but it is doable! Look into your local assistance programs. In Canada, as a single mom I received financial help. When I returned to work, the government covered my daycare costs as well. What was terrifying at the start actually turned out very manageable in time. Shortly after a year of being in my own I met my current DH. There are good men out there that are willing to take on a woman and all that comes with....you deserve better then what you are getting. Don't let him, your parents, or anyone else decide your future!

 

[alex_22]

Happy due date fizzy

Focus all of your love and attention on your daughter and getting your baby here safely. is there no friends you could stay with? If you were my friend I'd be dragging you out of that house whether you wanted to leave or not, please talk to someone there's only so much all of us ladies can do for you and it isn't enough you need support you need someone physically there to help you through this, I can't stop thinking about you and worrying for you I really hope you get out and fast x

 

[Vickster1]

Really sorry to hear what you're going through. Don't let yourself be emotionally abused like this. You and your children deserve better.

 

[alexspargo]

That id absolutely abusive behavior from your DH. Verbal abuse is just as damaging and physical abuse to both you and your children.

May I ask, how much do you weigh? Regardless of whether you are 100lbs or 400lbs your spouse should not be treating you that way, but how severe was your weight gain? I don't want to sound insensitive, I am just curious. Your weight is not important as far as your value as a person, mother or spouse but it should be managed for health reasons. The problem is, a lot of women feel they are "fat" when they really are not and simply have distorted body image issues.

I am so sorry your mom responded that way Do you have any other friends/family that can support you emotionally right now?

 

[fizzypop]

I have gathered together a few friends who are supporting me emotionally. I also have spoken to my mum again and she has agrees that it is not on that he treats me like rubbish, whatever i weigh.

Alex, I put in 52lbs in my first pregnancy and then another 10ish before conceiving this one.. I am very overweight now and it really does show in my health.

 

[gypsy1981]

It doesn't matter how overweight you are. You are the mother of his children and he sounds like a complete sh*t to say these things to you! Men like this are generally insecure in themselves and feel the need to pick on their partners to make themselves feel better about their own flaws. As soon as you have this baby and feel physically recovered, pack yours and your children's bags and get out of there. You'll find that you'll be a million times happier without someone constantly putting you down and you'll probably also find that the weight will drop off you as we usually gain weight when we're unhappy. Oh and make sure you get the CSA involved to get every penny you're entitled to from him. Good luck in finding the happy future that you deserve xx

 

[alexspargo]

I agree, the weight is irrelevant to how he is treating you. I was only asking out of curiosity. I am sorry you are dealing with this.