Please excuse the gate crashing, looking for advice

[TigerLady]

Hi Ladies! :wave:

Please excuse the gate crashing, but I'm looking for a bit of advice. I've never had LTTTC problems (so lucky!) but I have BnB friends that have. So, I know things surrounding kids/parenting/fertility can be very sensitive. As I didn't have the problems myself, I'm feeling a bit unsure of how to approach a family friend about it.

Long story short: DH and I have a couple whom we know and consider "family." They are they niece and nephew of my MIL's late husband (DH's step dad). MIL and this man married when all the kids were older, so DH didn't grow up with them.

However, this side of the "family" is what we consider family where we live. We spend holidays together and have dinners together, etc. We call them family even though they aren't blood related.

This one couple, M&M are wonderful people. They are in their 40s, stable, successful, loving, kind, and love our children. She has gone out of her way recently to want to babysit and get to know the kids. She's clearly head over heels for them.

M&M don't have kids and no one really knows why. The only thing I know for sure is that it appears a very sensitive subject. She clearly longs for them, but seems to have given up on it. I'm not sure if he ever wanted them to begin with. It seems sort of a taboo subject.

DH and I would like to ask M&M to be guardians of our kids if anything happened to us. There is no one else in our family we would trust with them. We know M&M would make a great family for them. However, before we ask, I'd like to know if they didn't have kids by choice or because they couldn't. I wouldn't want to ask them to take on kids if they actually MADE the choice that kids didn't fit in their lifestyle, iykwim.

I suspect it wasn't by choice. I suspect they were unable. So, I suspect it is a very sensitive subject. As someone who is new to the family (last 4 years) and only knows them through family gatherings and some recent babysitting adventures, how do I best approach this? Do I ask them together as a couple? Do I take her out for coffee and ask her by herself? What do I say? I feel so out of place saying "I know this is really none of my business, but I have a reason for asking: Did you choose to not have kids or were you unable?" Ugg! That seems so insensitive!

Is there some way someone in my position could approach you, as someone that has struggled with TTC, in a gentle and kind manner?

I really, truly appreciate your input! Thank you so much.

Loads of healthy, sticky, baby to each and every one of you. May your dreams come true!

 

[cooch]

What a lovely thing to bestow on someone. I personally wouldn't come right out and ask directly about their lack of children. What you're looking for is for them to be guardians should something happen and that's what I would ask, nothing else. Your more likely to upset if you ask about their own child situation. I understand you don't want to ask if it is down to lifestyle and that's your main reason. But there is no reason for offence if you ask them to be guardians, whereas if it is a sensitive subject then you are likely to rake things up by asking why they don't have children. Judging by your instincts you think they probably couldn't have a family, so I would go with your instincts. It may end up she opens up to you about it later or possibly if you ask them outright to be guardians.

You're very kind to consider them and to think about their feelings, but if it's something that they don't talk about I wouldn't think they'd want to.

Good luck xx

 

[TigerLady]

That's a very good, valid point, cooch. Thank you.

 

[Baby_Fever]

Okay, I'm going to assume that since you are considering making them your kids' guardians that you're definitely friendly enough with just the woman so that meeting her for lunch or whatever wouldn't be odd in any way. I think the most telling thing is how she is with your children but even if she wants them if her husband doesn't then their home may not be best for your kids.

Talk to her in a one on one setting - you can either get straight to it or lead up to it while chatting the normal girl chat. Once you get to it, explain how you and DH are writing/revising your will and that you're trying to decide who to ask to be guardians for your children if something should happen to you but you don't want to pick someone who doesn't really want the responsibility or doesn't like kids, etc. After you've let that out, wait a minute and give her a chance to make a comment - it could be very telling like "Don't ask us" or "you can definitely consider us, if you like" - however, she may just make a noncommittal noise or just react with a facial expression. Explain how they'd be your first choice but that you need to know if they've chosen not to have children (for whatever reason - these you might need to know) or if they can't (for whatever reason - don't ask why unless she volunteers).

Be as honest as possible, let her know upfront that you don't want to offend/upset/hurt her in anyway and that you don't mean to come across as insensitive etc. Unless she's the type of person who will tell you what you want to hear no matter what the situation (and I can't see you considering someone like that for your kids' guardians) I can guarantee that if she doesn't want the responsibility or knows her husband would be opposed she will be honest and say so. If she refuses to answer the question respect her privacy (she may feel it's not her story to tell) then enjoy the rest of your outing and pass the ball onto your DH and he can ask her husband. If that doesn't work, ask them together and just be nice but blunt and say "we'd like to name you as our kids' guardians in case something should happen to us, would this be okay with you or would you prefer we didn't - please be very honest."

Hope that helps!

 

[Baby_Fever]

Actually, Cooch does have a point - if you can avoid asking and still find out what you need that would be the better route.

 

[lovie]

hello

it sounds like you and your children are really lucky to have these lovely people in your lives

as for asking them if they have chosen to be childless or been given no option it really is a hard question to ask... i'm at the begining of my lttc journy, For me i would find it really hard if someone asked me if I decided not to have children, it could well be that one of them wanted children and one didnt... or maybe one or both of them wanted only biological children and that maybe wasnt an option.

I have a sister who is 8 and i was put down as her guardian if anything happend to mum mum and stepdad... at the time i was 18 and sensibly my parents put down a group of people (me, my grandma, grandpa, and older sister) the idea is that if the time comes where both my mum and stepdad pass away then the people named to decide what is best for my sister will make a decision regarding her care and what is best for her at the time... for example now i live in another country and if i had my own kids and she was doing her gcse's or something then moving either for her or me might not be possible.... maybe you could do something like this as an option?

even if they did opt not to have kids, if they love your kids im sure that wont matter,.. i think its very different situation if they opted not to create a new life and if they would be willing to love and care for kids they allready love.

to be honest id be deverstated if someone asked me about why i dont have kids.. especially if i was in my 40's and my fertility was shutting down

 

[TigerLady]

Thank you, Ladies! This is all very helpful input.

I just worry a bit about maybe the husband doesn't want kids? Or maybe he is just intimidated by younger ones? He's really patient, gentle, kind, and encouraging to all the "older" kids in the family (say about 8+). But he seems to only come over to "support" his wife when they babysit. So, I wonder if he just isn't into diaper changes or is intimated by toddlers.

I absolutely wouldn't want anyone to be guardians if they didn't want kids. The horrid situation we are "planning for" (or against) would be tough enough on my kids. To loose both of their parents. I want to know they would go to a home that absolutely wanted them with every fiber of their being. Both of the adults.

You know, in the past, I wouldn't have even given any of this a second thought. It just wouldn't have ocurred to me. But, since seeing so many women struggle with fertility on BnB, and how devestating it can be, I almost "over"think it now, iykwim.

Everything that has been suggested and brought up is very helpful. Thank you.

 

[lovie]

it must be such a hard thig to comprahend as a parent the idea of not being there when your kids need you what id say tho is that if you dont trust them with anyone else in the family then the reality is either go to this couple where the man possibly wouldnt choose fatherhood as his calling in life or go into care... even if the woman would be a loving stand in mother surely that is better than your children going to a family they dont know or even worse into a care home.. if they are the only option then maybe concentrate on the fact the kids would be safe, loved by at least one stand in parent and still around their family and normal life.

there is a chance that if you do question the lady then that could reopen wounds and push her away from your kids, and what would you do if she said yer we never wanted kids we just wanted our freedom and loads of holidays... would you still ask them to be guardians as you have no other option?

all the best and touch wood this is all theoreticle and your family will never be in a situation where you cant be there for your kids

 

[TigerLady]

It definitely wouldn't be either this couple or foster care. My MIL would take them, but she is older, even if still in fantastic health (she's 65), my father would also take them, but again, he's older (65) even if still in fantastic health. And they would have to move across the country to go to him.

I have a brother that I trust and love, but he's also on the other side of the country. He doesn't have his own house yet, though I believe he and his partner (yes, who is also male) are looking for one. I have a sister who would love them and really want them, but she's got many issues and have screwed up her own kids enough. DH has a brother but he's pretty selfish and not very responsible. He's in a stable stint at the moment, but has a history of loosing jobs and getting into drugs. So, he's a no go, too. We also have a few more distant cousins and relatives that would probably step up to the plate and be FANTASTIC choices, but we know them less well and only see them on family reunions and facebook.

So, this couple would be our fist choice, if they are actually interested in being parents, iykwim.

You also have a point about her wanting them so badly and the husband being a bit more reticient. Maybe that would be okay. He's certainly a loving, caring, kind man. I can't imagine he would do anything other than support the kids any way possible, especially during such a difficult time.

 

[snugglebot]

TL - I reposted in your journal my thoughts