tribble
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- Jul 15, 2011
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My entire life I've wanted a boy. Even as a little girl, my imaginary babies were boys. I've always believed deep down that my first would be a boy.
My husband and I tried for a long time, getting on 3 years, to have a baby. We tried so many things, medical and theoretical just for the chance to start our family. This baby is an IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) baby and is a beautiful miracle that we've worked so hard for, and are so lucky to have on the way.
I had my 20 week ultrasound yesterday. The technician, quite sure of herself, told us - and showed us - the baby is a girl. I have been completely knocked off my feet! I was positive we were having a boy, and so was my husband, and both our families. We've been referring to the baby as "he" and even picked out a boy's name (really silly in hindsight, but it just so FELT like a boy).
I'm not disappointed - I don't know that that's the right word, I don't want to say that - we're so thrilled to have our family finally started! And the baby and I have both been as healthy as can be so far, which is so wonderful! I just am completely at a loss. I can't imagine having a girl, what that looks like. My sister and I are long estranged from our mother - we grew up with our mother in a very, very angry emotionally abusive single parent household.
I know I will NOT be raising my child like that, I've always known that. I've had years of counseling to make my peace with it. I have a beautiful, healthy marriage with a wonderful man. But I think that's why I wanted a boy so badly - I didn't have a blueprint for raising a boy, so I felt like I had a shot at not screwing it up. Also I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a girly girl. I'm in a man's field of work, I don't wear makeup, clothes bore me. Dolls and tea parties and frilly clothes are completely outside my realm of experience.
I just can't wrap my head around it, I'm terrified that I can't do this with a girl without screwing her up. I don't "get" girls! I get along better with men, I relate better. I'm a toy trucks and Sci Fi and getting dirty and roughhousing kind of girl. I'm worried I can't give her what she needs. I just don't know what to do and I keep bursting into tears. I want so badly for this not to matter, but I just can't figure this out. I feel so guilty for feeling this way, I don't want to!
Any advice...would be appreciated...
My husband and I tried for a long time, getting on 3 years, to have a baby. We tried so many things, medical and theoretical just for the chance to start our family. This baby is an IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) baby and is a beautiful miracle that we've worked so hard for, and are so lucky to have on the way.
I had my 20 week ultrasound yesterday. The technician, quite sure of herself, told us - and showed us - the baby is a girl. I have been completely knocked off my feet! I was positive we were having a boy, and so was my husband, and both our families. We've been referring to the baby as "he" and even picked out a boy's name (really silly in hindsight, but it just so FELT like a boy).
I'm not disappointed - I don't know that that's the right word, I don't want to say that - we're so thrilled to have our family finally started! And the baby and I have both been as healthy as can be so far, which is so wonderful! I just am completely at a loss. I can't imagine having a girl, what that looks like. My sister and I are long estranged from our mother - we grew up with our mother in a very, very angry emotionally abusive single parent household.
I know I will NOT be raising my child like that, I've always known that. I've had years of counseling to make my peace with it. I have a beautiful, healthy marriage with a wonderful man. But I think that's why I wanted a boy so badly - I didn't have a blueprint for raising a boy, so I felt like I had a shot at not screwing it up. Also I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a girly girl. I'm in a man's field of work, I don't wear makeup, clothes bore me. Dolls and tea parties and frilly clothes are completely outside my realm of experience.
I just can't wrap my head around it, I'm terrified that I can't do this with a girl without screwing her up. I don't "get" girls! I get along better with men, I relate better. I'm a toy trucks and Sci Fi and getting dirty and roughhousing kind of girl. I'm worried I can't give her what she needs. I just don't know what to do and I keep bursting into tears. I want so badly for this not to matter, but I just can't figure this out. I feel so guilty for feeling this way, I don't want to!
Any advice...would be appreciated...
