Please ladies... send me your strength

[xxsteffyxx]

It's been going on for a week now.

My partner and I split up a week ago, yes I know it's still early and the wound is still fresh, but by the way him and his family have been hurting me so much over the past week, I know it's well and truly over between us now.

Here is the hard bit...

Over the week I had agreed for him to see our son Harvey, he's seen him every day! Today, is the first time he was not able to see Harvey and that was because he cancelled the agreement. He couldn't see him today because of 'commitments' or bogus interviews I call them. I don't know if he is truly having these interviews... regardless, he cancelled and I agreed to let him have Harvey from 12-6pm on Saturday.

I'm just so broken. He has finally stopped texting me nasty things, but now... I've got his mother on my case!!! 'He needs more access then this!' (ahem... You have seen him everyday, what more do you want?) & 'We treated you like a daughter, welcomed you into our family and now you deny us access to our grandchild' (again, as above) They are mainly bitter because I wont let Harvey spend the night there...
... Harvey is less then 4 weeks old!!!!!

I just need strength ladies. I keep thinking about throwing the towel and letting them have a night with Harvey, but I have been so leniant towards how often he has our son that I am making myself ill being seperated from him so much.
I even agreed to 12 hours on Tuesday! 9am till 9pm and it nearly killed me! I was so ill from axiety and seperation, I couldn't eat, drink, sleep... all I wanted was my boy.

I wrote down what access he could have, and it consisted of two evenings a week at 4-8pm and one weekend at 12-6pm. I thought it was fair, they didn't. They want Harvey to live with them, and for me to see him during the day... bollocks to that.

The more I look into it, the more I realise how generous I am being. I know so many dads who don't get to see their children, or maybe 1 weekend a month and so on and so forth. FOB should be greatful, but he isn't... I am now starting to think, is it really Harvey he wants or is he just trying to get back at me?

FOB is on JSA and has no job, no income, doesn't drive, lives at home with his mum, dad and sister, history of violence, drugs and alcohol abuse and has a filthy temper!

Me... Full time job, mortgage, car, money, income and no criminal history.

I keep giving him the benefit of doubt, and letting things slip and keep trying to agree to what I have said about access, but he wont, he is being nasty about it.
- Do I start giving up now and fight fire with fire? I really don't want too

 

[FTMSoExcited]

First... Your Harvey is adorable!! Second... stick to your guns! I would not be able to part with my child overnight especially since he's so young. I don't have any children yet and I'm only 13 weeks but I'm just thinking ahead and its going to be hard. And I DEFINITELY wouldn't agree to have him stay there nights and you get him during the day. That is BS!! It seems to me that his mother is being selfish and as you being Harvey's mother you have a right to determine when and where they see him. If they want more, they can take you to court. But it sounds like you are a better fit for your son anyway so I wouldn't worry.

 

[kirst1805]

Hey hun! Do not give in to them.. At Harvey's age you are being more than reasonable!

They need to snap out of this and remember you are his mother and they don't have the right to treat you like this. Especially as you are being more than fair.

Do not give in!

XX

 

[angelpkj]

you need to put your foot down!
what on earth was you doing letting a baby stay out till 9pm to then be disrupted by bringing him home!
i think you have had your emotions played with,your vunerable right now so soon after the birth and the split and they seem to be trying every angle!

don't let them bully you and run you down,baby needs routine and you!
i would cut the hours right down and if he not happy he can go court!your gunna end up preventing yourself from having a happy bond with your son if your never alone with him x

 

[angelpkj]

don't let him have him over night!once u do he will want him more and more overnights and say if u've already let him why not again... x

 

[davidjoemum]

i would get that sorted through court the reason being is that they might use your generosity against you by trying to prove to social services that you giving so much access because you want your own time and abandoning your boy(he is Cute)i think you giving them to much access already and dont give them Harvey over night.

 

[CaptainMummy]

Congrats on your adorable little boy!

I know how you feel hun, it is hard, but be strong. He is only a newborn, and he needs to be with you. Write down what you feel comfortable with, and if they dont like it, then they will have to take it further. As he gets older then yes, you may feel comfortable with them having him for a night, but right now, hes way too young imo.
Im going through the same situation as you sort of, so if you want to talk, then feel free to pm me.

xx

 

[Mammy2Joojx]

like PP's have said, stick to your guns love. 4 weeks old is way too young IMO to let a child sleep out. They shouldn't be pressuring you into something like that. Having access everyday is more than what some grandparents get, they should be very grateful! You could of been bitter about the breakup but you're more mature than that, so they should thank themselves you're being grown up about the situation xxx

 

[xxsteffyxx]

FOB came and saw me today when he came to pick Harvey up. He wanted to talk...

So we sat in the kitchen and talked. He said he agreed to what I had written down for the next week (up until the 13th March) but after that, HE got to decide the terms... and he wanted 24hours access. I just said as calmly as I could...

'no that's not going to happen...'
'I think you'll find it is. You decided this week, I am deciding the week after and I want him overnight and during the day.'

Well, it progressed and eventually I said...
'If you feel as though the access I have given you isn't enough and you think you can get more, well, you know what to do.'

- I didn't mention the word 'court' but, it would be intresting if he did try and take me to court for access. He's already been told he wouldn't get as much as I am offering.
It's just about him spitting his dummy and getting his own way!

 

[george83]

well done you. there is no way i would have let my baby stay with anybody over night at that age even if it was his own father. My husband has drug problems and at the minute hasn't asked to spend any time with our baby but i'm not sure i'd even let him take baby out of the house becuase of it so your very brave given his history.

your baby is gorgeous, i'm sorry for having such a difficult time when you should just be spoiling him xxxx

 

[xxsteffyxx]

I have now receieved a letter stating what access he wants. He wans as follows;
1 24hr period over weekend, so friday-sat or sat-sund
And 4 days during the week...
And he would happily take me to mediation to get this agreed.

Now tell me, what are the chances of a mediation agreeing to this many hours seperated from the mother. He's basically stating I get 1 full day with harvey, that's it. How does that work?

I saught legal advice today as I have a friend in the buisness of family law and he asked me what where the chances of compramize? I want to compramize but I can't think how compared to what I am offering. I really don't want Harvey to go overnight, but feel as though I may have to offer some kind of compramise to keep him happy.
What do you ladies think of every other weekend (sat-sun) and 3 evenings a week? At 4-8pm. Too much? Would you allow it?

Or should I just go straight to mediation? X

 

[kirst1805]

I'd say an overnight at that age is ridiculous personally. I'd go straight to mediation tbh, its not as if you haven't tried to arrange it yourself.

XX

 

[FTMSoExcited]

I can't believe he wants 1 over night AND 4 days a week. There are only 7 days in a week and he wants damn near 6 of them. I would offer him another option and then if he doesn't agree to that then do the mediation. I have no opinion on when is too early for overnights because well, I'm a first time mom and haven't had the baby yet so I'm no expert on that but you have to do what you are comfortable with. An overnight every other weekend and 3 nights a week, I think is VERY reasonable.

 

[krissy1984]

I wouldn't even give overnights now. definitely not at 4 weeks, no court would ever rule that in his favour. Tbh his chances of gettin that access is non existent. your lo needs his mummy and tbh stability. if you aren't going to be together your lo needs to be able to get into a routine with you as you are the main caregiver. i wouldn't compromise and if he doesn't agree in mediation the courts can decide

Xx

 

[bw1691]

Congratulations on beautiful Harvey firstly!
And well done for staying strong, Please carry on being as strong!
This sounds like a ridiculous situation. He obviously isn't willing to compromise with YOU so why should you with him?
Firstly
If you say he has such a temper, his history and has been harrasing you with abusive texts, i would'nt let him near my son. Let him take it to mediation.
Secondly, Fob for me, got to see him twice a week, he'd come round and only stay an hour tops, there was no way i was letting him take my boy at all not even for 10 minutes, the way he cared for him showed he knew not a thing, wouldnt let me help teach him and said i was humiliating him. but thats a different story. Occasionally he would say he wants more, but most of the time he would cancel visits and go for a few weeks, Also his parents sent me a ridiculous letter and their visits were stopped. But his attitude and interest in him it wasnt really a suprise when he cancelled a visit at Easter last year and then we havent heard a single word from him since. and thats the way it can stay.
I definitly wouldnt let him have him over night, Its up to you what your comfortable with in taking him away from you a FEW hours a day, 2 times a week 3 max! Thats my opinion maybe im just harsh

I doubt that helped you but if you need a chat or just some will power sending your way im here! Best of luck hun xx