please talk to me, all the way from Hong Kong (Long Story)

[snowymama]

Dear all,
I am sorry and I hope you would welcome me to here. I have been desperately needing someone to talk to yet mc is a taboo in Chinese tradition so I really can't find any help in where i live. Please forgive me if I don't express myself well enough.
I am married last Christmas eve and I thought we could have celebrated the day this year with our most precious little one. I had had a very smooth pregnancy in the 1st trimester, I felt energetic, happy and I had very good appetite, seemed that the hormones did nothing to me. I passed every test smoothly and every time (we have checkup once a month in HK) the doctor said our baby was very healthy. I did thought pregnancy was easy and I had never expected what happened..
On 16WD2 I felt abnormal contractions and I went to see my doctor, he told me I was having an infection and gave me antibiotics. I started to bleed that night, and then it was the start of the nightmare. At week 20 we had to make the most difficult decision to give up our baby as the water had been leaking, I had been infected and it had no hope for her to survive. If we waited, it would only put me into risk. And so, we made that most cruel decision.
The delivery was painful but I couldn't feel anything besides my heartache. I feel like I killed my baby, she had very normal heartbeat until the last moment I took the medication. I know she has been trying her very best but it is me, her mummy who failed her.
It has been a month and I can finally tell my story. I thought I was over it until last night, I had a dream that I am sth like 6 mth pregnant, I felt the baby kicking and I woke up immediately. I had been always waiting to feel the kicks before but I never had the chance, now I finally feel them in my dream...what an irony..
Sorry for the long story, but I feel so empty and lonely. Thanks for reading, at least I know I have someone in the world whom I can share with.

 

[Pino6161]

I am so sorry hun!! There are no words for what you have been through

 

[Andypanda6570]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss, you can talk to us and message me anytime you want , we can talk about anything you want also. Please don't feel alone, it is also taboo here, I lost my Ava at 22 weeks and I still cry alone , it has been almost 2 years in March , I have gotten better , but this pain never goes away. I promise time does heal us, we all reach our healing point at different times, but we get there. You are NOT alone, all my love, Andrea

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

Thank you for sharing your story...I went through a very similar experience. We tried to conceive for over 4 years and finally I got pregnant. But at 17 weeks my waters broke. I too had an infection and at 19 weeks I had to make the heart breaking decision to end my pregnancy. I felt like my whole world fell apart.
My little baby girl was also a fighter, it tore me to pieces to hear her strong heart beat knowing that without the water, she had no hope of surviving.
Its been almost 4 months since I lost my precious baby Freya and not a day goes by when I dont miss her or think about her. You will never "get over" this tragic experience but in time you will learn to live with it. Im thankful that I got to carry my beautiful angel for 5 months and got to hold her in my arms. She taught me the true meaning of strength, love and how precious life really is.
1 week ago I found out I am pregnant again, I am absolutely thrilled - so so happy....but scared also due to what I have been through. No baby will ever replace my precious Freya but it will help fill a void - a void in my heart that I had even before I was pregnant the first time, just to have a health baby to bring up - a little family. I will always have a Freya shaped hole in my heart.
Please dont feel you are alone. Feel free to message me anytime. Big hugs xxx

 

[snowymama]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss, you can talk to us and message me anytime you want , we can talk about anything you want also. Please don't feel alone, it is also taboo here, I lost my Ava at 22 weeks and I still cry alone , it has been almost 2 years in March , I have gotten better , but this pain never goes away. I promise time does heal us, we all reach our healing point at different times, but we get there. You are NOT alone, all my love, Andrea

Thanks a lot Andrea! I don't know how to thank all of you here as I am so fallen apart. I lost my baby only a few weeks and I feel really so so bad everyday. I have never felt this bad before and I don't know how to deal with it. I was always a positive and cheerful person but I just can't smile anymore. What's even tough is everyone around me is trying to make it like a no big deal and push me to forget about it. I can only cry alone in midnight and when I see anyone around me I have to wear that mask again with my bleeding heart. Thanks for replying me. Thanks god for creating the internet, I finally feel less alone now! Thanks again Andrea, love, Karin, from HK

 

[snowymama]

Thank you for sharing your story...I went through a very similar experience. We tried to conceive for over 4 years and finally I got pregnant. But at 17 weeks my waters broke. I too had an infection and at 19 weeks I had to make the heart breaking decision to end my pregnancy. I felt like my whole world fell apart.
My little baby girl was also a fighter, it tore me to pieces to hear her strong heart beat knowing that without the water, she had no hope of surviving.
Its been almost 4 months since I lost my precious baby Freya and not a day goes by when I dont miss her or think about her. You will never "get over" this tragic experience but in time you will learn to live with it. Im thankful that I got to carry my beautiful angel for 5 months and got to hold her in my arms. She taught me the true meaning of strength, love and how precious life really is.
1 week ago I found out I am pregnant again, I am absolutely thrilled - so so happy....but scared also due to what I have been through. No baby will ever replace my precious Freya but it will help fill a void - a void in my heart that I had even before I was pregnant the first time, just to have a health baby to bring up - a little family. I will always have a Freya shaped hole in my heart.
Please dont feel you are alone. Feel free to message me anytime. Big hugs xxx

Pink_Sparkle, thanks so much for sharing your story with me. Big Congratulations to your good news! You've made me feel hopeful again somehow.

I lost her on 10 Nov and I just miss her more and more everyday. I am grateful for having her with me for five month, but I am greedy, I would really want to have her for my whole life. I am not sure if I will be the best mom but I know I will try my best, I just don't understand why God took her away from me sometimes. I know I shouldn't but it is hard. I have always been a good person I just can't understand why God can't save my baby..

Now without her inside me i feel very very empty, I always want to try as soon as I can but both my G&O and Chinese Medical Doctor also told me I have to wait for half year. (Not sure if you know what I am talking abt? Those Chinese doctors who do acupuncture and give herbal tea) This waiting time is killing me cause I can't even try now.

Sorry for being soo soo negative, I hope I won't bring you back unhappy memories. Take care !

 

[Pink_Sparkle]

Thank you for sharing your story...I went through a very similar experience. We tried to conceive for over 4 years and finally I got pregnant. But at 17 weeks my waters broke. I too had an infection and at 19 weeks I had to make the heart breaking decision to end my pregnancy. I felt like my whole world fell apart.
My little baby girl was also a fighter, it tore me to pieces to hear her strong heart beat knowing that without the water, she had no hope of surviving.
Its been almost 4 months since I lost my precious baby Freya and not a day goes by when I dont miss her or think about her. You will never "get over" this tragic experience but in time you will learn to live with it. Im thankful that I got to carry my beautiful angel for 5 months and got to hold her in my arms. She taught me the true meaning of strength, love and how precious life really is.
1 week ago I found out I am pregnant again, I am absolutely thrilled - so so happy....but scared also due to what I have been through. No baby will ever replace my precious Freya but it will help fill a void - a void in my heart that I had even before I was pregnant the first time, just to have a health baby to bring up - a little family. I will always have a Freya shaped hole in my heart.
Please dont feel you are alone. Feel free to message me anytime. Big hugs xxx

Pink_Sparkle, thanks so much for sharing your story with me. Big Congratulations to your good news! You've made me feel hopeful again somehow.

I lost her on 10 Nov and I just miss her more and more everyday. I am grateful for having her with me for five month, but I am greedy, I would really want to have her for my whole life. I am not sure if I will be the best mom but I know I will try my best, I just don't understand why God took her away from me sometimes. I know I shouldn't but it is hard. I have always been a good person I just can't understand why God can't save my baby..

Now without her inside me i feel very very empty, I always want to try as soon as I can but both my G&O and Chinese Medical Doctor also told me I have to wait for half year. (Not sure if you know what I am talking abt? Those Chinese doctors who do acupuncture and give herbal tea) This waiting time is killing me cause I can't even try now.

Sorry for being soo soo negative, I hope I won't bring you back unhappy memories. Take care !

You are not greedy!!! You are a grieving mommy! What you are feeling is completely normal. I would give anything to have Freya back.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling empty...I felt like that everytime I woke up. Before I lost her I used to wake up every morning thinking "This is real, I really am pregnant!" after I lost her I woke up thinking "This is real, I really did loose my baby". Have you asked why you need to wait for so long before trying again?? We were told we could start trying again as soon as my period regulated.
I used to ask all the time, Why God, did you take my precious baby?? What did I do that was so bad to deserve this? I used to ask and ask and ask but you will never get an answer...not right now anyway. I just comfort myself with the thought that god needed my baby more, she was far too beautiful and precious for earth - just like yours...I often asked my angel and god to bless us with another baby and they have. Please dont give up hope.

Message me anytime, sending love, hugs and baby dust xx

 

[Mahoghani]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son in September and most days I still feel like I'm struggling to keep myself together. Someone told me then, that you don't get over it you just sort of learn to take it with you and it becomes a part of who you are. I've found that to be very true. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you can find some comfort here. These ladies have been wonderful to me. If you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me.

 

[Momof3boy]

Snowymama, I am so sorry for your loss. I have a similar story. I lost my baby a year ago on 11/29/2011 21 weeks into my pregnancy. It has been a very difficult year for me. I am also Chinese so I understand the Chinese culture and how you feel. If you would like to talk please let me know.

 

[kpk]

Just a thought, maybe her kicks are her way of comforting you in your dreams. You can't blame yourself for an infection, you did your best for your little girl, and she knows it.