Hubby and I were ttc for almost a year and we're static when we found out we were expecting. Although I was overweigjt, I had quite an easy pregnancy. I'd always been desperate to be a mum and felt very maternal. When my son was born after 4 days of attempted induction, via emergency c section I cried with happiness. I slipped into being a mum very well but felt guilty even lyong my son down. This was made worse when he got plagiocephally I felt ID failed him. From the I bought a special pillow and never put him down except at night. Up until a few weeks ago (my LO is now 5.5 month) I'd felt good, then all of a sudden I started feeling down, anxious, not wanting to be alone, and like everything was hard work. My dr diagnosed PND and anxiety. I now feel so much guilt. I love my son more than anyone or anything, he's my world but occasionally I just want a bit of time to myself. Even just an undisturbed nap. But this fuels me with more guilt. As if I'm palming him off. And that if I knew Id feel like this maybe I'm not cut out to be a mum and not as maternal as I first thought. I feel like an awful person.
post-partum depression is so, so tough and it sounds like it's really affecting your thinking right now.
I'm sure there are going to be a lot of people who disagree with my response and my general approach toward parenting, but here are my general thoughts.
As a whole, I think we put too much pressure on parents (including ourselves) to be
completely wrapped up in our children. This is especially true, IMO, for mothers. We idealize parenthood and expect every mother to be euphoric, basking in the glow of playing games with her little cherub for hours at a time, until she gently puts the baby down to sleep and does some laundry before she goes to bed herself. You don't see that many movies with messy houses, moms struggling with PND, moms who don't want to be around their baby that day, or moms who are wondering whether they're even happy with their new lives. We don't tell moms that it's OK to miss your old life; that you can love your child and STILL miss those Saturday mornings reading the paper in bed or those college nights out where you went bar hopping. We don't tell moms that it's OK to be jealous of our single/non-parent friends who still have more of those freedoms than we do.
I remember a couple of months ago (LO is 9.5 months) crying to my mom, telling her that I felt awful because I didn't bond very well with LO in the hospital and I really didn't want to be around her very often at first. And my mom (who was a SAHM and one of the most devoted mothers I have EVER known) said that she understood because she didn't want me with her in the hospital either!
IMO, you will burn yourself out if you try to be the perfect parent 24/7. You
NEED personal time, away from your son. You
NEED to continue developing your own interests and passions, other than your son. You need to continue being a
PERSON, not just a
mother.
No one can sustain 24/7 parenting, where they never even put their child down or take a nap or do something for themselves. And IMO, that's not what children need. Your son needs a full mother, who's happy and enriched and independent. You need to do whatever you need to do to heal and be happy. That might be napping or going to the movies or going shopping alone or going out with girlfriends. But you need to do it and you deserve it.
Being maternal does NOT mean wanting to spend every waking moment with your child. It means loving him and doing what's best for him, even when that means leaving him in the care of others so you can rest.
I had a lot of the feelings you did when I was on maternity leave. It was my job to care for the baby and I felt awful anytime I was tired of being around her.
For me, going back to work was the best thing ever. I LOVE seeing LO in the mornings, going to work, and then spending the evenings with LO. And my husband and I also take trips alone sometimes, so we've left LO with family members overnight a couple of times, so we could have some time alone. For our family, it's the perfect balance. We get lots of family time, we get work time, we all get our own individual "us" time (DH will watch LO on the weekends while I nap and vice versa), and DH And I get couple time. It's not for everyone, but for us, it's perfect. And I never really feel guilty leaving LO for work or for trips. She is an incredibly happy, well-adjusted 9 months old. She loves daycare, she's happy with us, and she loves her occasional overnights with Grammy (who wants to steal her permanently, I swear).
As a family, we have found that we're all happier when our lives are balanced.
You don't spend 24/7 with your DH or your mom or your best friend, and yet you love them, right? You understand that you don't need to be with them
all of the time in order to be a "good" wife/daughter/friend, right? Why feel any differently about your son?
So please, don't feel like a "bad mother" for wanting to take a nap (or even a real vacation!). Your son knows that you love him. So love yourself too.
xxx
