PND not getting any better :( [sorry long]

[Butterfly89]

So... I have a long history of depression/anxiety/borderline personality disorder (recently diagnosed). It was usually under pretty good control without medication unless something big happened in life. Basically I just take longer than the average person to recover from things, I guess. I was dealing with an infertility diagnosis for two years before I conceived spontaneously. During that time, the depression surfaced, but it was for a definite reason. It started up again at the end of my pregnancy when I started having serious money and relationship issues, and I don't discount the influence of hormones too.

My son had severe colic for the first 6 weeks... I ended up in a deep depression again after I had to stop BFing at 3 weeks, it just hit me intensely. Then the anxiety set in as well. I felt like I didn't bond at all. During this time, my doctor tried me on different medications. I had a pretty severe reaction to starting the one I am on now, things just got intensely worse. At 10 weeks, it ended up so bad and my anxiety was awful, I ended up hospitalized (by doctor's order) for a month. I will always regret the time I missed and it didn't help at all.

Now I only feel bonded or attached maybe half the time... I don't feel like other moms say they do. If he is at grandma's, I am just relieved to have time to get things done. I don't feel amazed by every sneeze, smile, or coo. I think he is beautiful and I love him so much, but... I don't feel attached, if that makes sense...

I know I am bonded and this sounds silly, but what tells me I am is that I almost cried when he got his first shots and I am someone that NEVER cries.

Anyway.. the depression is still extremely bad to the point where I feel like I don't want to live anymore at times. Sometimes I just feel panicked and pass the baby off to the first person (I mean family, not strangers) and just walk for hours at any time of day or night. It's not the baby himself I am overwhelmed with, or even taking care of him, but between endless housework, relationship issues, family conflicts, and physical health issues... it never seems to get any easier or even tolerable. I feel like I am spoiled because I wanted a child so badly and now I have one, and look how I am.. SO confusing to me.

I am at a loss for what to do. I've tried 3 different medications and none have helped at all. The one I am on now gives me a little more energy, but doesn't help my moods. Therapy hasn't helped at all. I have tried self help as well and I am always "working on it" through journaling, lots of deep thought, and pushing myself past my limits, but it never improves.


I'm so afraid of how this will effect my son... When does it usually go away? I know everyone is different but... should it be gone by now? Any ideas on how to get rid of it faster?

 

[seoj]

Awe hun, first off-- BIG HUGS!!!!

I think most new moms struggle- struggle to adjust to the craziness of having a LO around (no matter how bonded you are with your LO)... and when your also struggling with depression and relationship issues and physical struggles... it's all an added layer. We can feel pulled in so many different directions... and it takes time to find your groove and flow hun. That won't happen overnight. I wish it did. I wish there was a magic pill- for sure!!!

I don't have PND- but I do have anxiety, and we struggled with fertility issues for a long time and I have hip pain/tendonitis in my shoulder and both my knees hurt daily. My Mom also got sick right after my LO was born and passed away in Feb... so, to say the least, the last few years have been a LOT to handle-- mostly good, but some really hard stuff physically and emotionally. I also think I have Vulvadynia and sex has been painful since LO was born- sorry... all beside the point, but wanted you to know that others are struggling too. And I'm not comparing what I've dealt with to what your going through- as it's all so personal to the person going through it. But I have found ways to better cope... counseling, working out to clear my mind, hobbies, taking time each night to sit and stretch and just breathe... positive thinking and focusing on the things I love, and I still have days it's tough, but overall, I've handled it all pretty well, I think. I also remind myself that balance as a parent is a myth- as being a parent is a dance, so eventually we find our rythm and go with the flow... try to live for today, in the moment and not focus too much on the future. As you can't change the past, the future is yet to be written- but today, you are here and have some control.

Going to counseling is great- so just keep that up. Even if it's not helping a ton today, it might later? And it certainly can't hurt. I know the meds, so far, haven't worked great- but those can take time too... several weeks or more before you get the full affects. And it is trial and error as far as what will work specifically for YOU. So as much as I can understand your frustrations-- in some aspects, these things just take time.

It honestly sounds like you are being very proactive- and doing all you can to help. I think, taking care of yourself has to be priority right now (obviously LO is a priority too- but the healthier and happier you are the better for you both)- I get it's hard, you want to be there for your son-- but, in the end, a happier mom equals a happier child. So, although it may not be tomorrow, it will happen-- you just need to cut yourself a break and know you are doing all you can. And that, in time, you will get there hun. And your son will grow up with a strong and powerful mom- and will see that and be very lucky for it. Because you could give up- but you don't. You fight because YOU are worth fighting for and your LO is worth fighting for...

I'm sorry I don't have better answers --