Post Natal Depression

[VickyLou]

Talk to me ladies who have suffered with post natal depression?
How did you feel? Symptoms?
How did you deal with it?
Did you recognise that you had it or did a doctor have to tell you you had it?
When did it go away?
How did you feel towards your child?

I'm struggling here. Feel like I'm drowning some days. I don't know if it's the baby or cause I had such a traumatic birth (birth story is section) I've spoke to my doctor who's referred me back to the hospital to have a chat about my labour and why things went so wrong. I nearly died
Some days I feel so much love for my daughter and then other days I can't stand to be near her. I feel so terrible for feeling like this. Please don't judge me.
Will this get better??

 

[Teri7489]

So sorry you aren't feeling great at the minute after a really hard time! Big hugs xxx

I had a traumatic labour with my first which resulted in PND and PTSD. It was an awful time but I got sorted and went on to have another baby when she was 14 months.

Initially I felt like I was mourning. I was sad and grieving my old life, anything at all made me cry and I just wanted my husband. At times I wished someone would just come and take my daughter away, and sometimes wished she would get I'll so she could go stay at the hospital. At the same time I was overwhelmed with guilt for ever thinking such a thing I used to get this really warm feeling wash Iver me that made me feel sick, like I was suffocating and wanted to run and hide. my HV used to visit and I'd just cry and ask her what I was doing wrong, why didn't my daughter sleep (she did but I just didn't see it) I was told time and time again it was just baby blues unail I admitted that I wanted them to just take her. after that I was referred to a senior midwife who went through my notes and referred me to therapy which really really helped. It took time, some silent cuddles and patience on my husbands part to get through it. My daughter was only 10 months when we started ttc again, lost our little one but then I fell pregnant with my son when she was 14 months. It may seem like a lifetime away but with the right support you can improve your mental health. Keep pushing with your doctor if you really are low and need support . I wish you all the best xxxx

 

[VickyLou]

So sorry you aren't feeling great at the minute after a really hard time! Big hugs xxx

I had a traumatic labour with my first which resulted in PND and PTSD. It was an awful time but I got sorted and went on to have another baby when she was 14 months.

Initially I felt like I was mourning. I was sad and grieving my old life, anything at all made me cry and I just wanted my husband. At times I wished someone would just come and take my daughter away, and sometimes wished she would get I'll so she could go stay at the hospital. At the same time I was overwhelmed with guilt for ever thinking such a thing I used to get this really warm feeling wash Iver me that made me feel sick, like I was suffocating and wanted to run and hide. my HV used to visit and I'd just cry and ask her what I was doing wrong, why didn't my daughter sleep (she did but I just didn't see it) I was told time and time again it was just baby blues unail I admitted that I wanted them to just take her. after that I was referred to a senior midwife who went through my notes and referred me to therapy which really really helped. It took time, some silent cuddles and patience on my husbands part to get through it. My daughter was only 10 months when we started ttc again, lost our little one but then I fell pregnant with my son when she was 14 months. It may seem like a lifetime away but with the right support you can improve your mental health. Keep pushing with your doctor if you really are low and need support . I wish you all the best xxxx

Thank you so much for your reply. You have pretty much just described how I am feeling. My doctor will do all she can for me, we have a really good relationship, she understands me etc. When I saw her last week I told her I don't want medication but she wants me to think about having it after I've had a chat with the hospital about what happened with my labour/birth. She hopes my feelings will go away after I've got my head around what happened.
My first was 13 months when I found out I was pregnant again. I'll be honest it was fair too soon for me. I wanted another baby just not when she came along. I didn't bond with my pregnancy really. I'm glad is over but now have this baby with me 24/7 that I have mixed emotions about. I feel digested in my self for thinking these things about this innocent little girl I pray I get my appointment through soon so I can talk to the midwives. I feel like I'm wasting valuable bonding time with my daughter.

Thank you again. I'm so glad you got through it. X

 

[Teri7489]

No problem. Its good to get things off your chest at times esp to people have gone through it.

I didn't need any medication at all. The therapy (eye movement reprocessing therapy) worked great but had that not been available I would have taken medication.

I used to think I was wasting bonding time but now I think back and recognise it was a difficult time that I didn't choose. It was how I felt at the time and I couldn't change it. I hope you can get to that mindset soon. Your feelings aren't your fault, you are doing the best you can.

I initially felt I had my son too soon but now he's a year and I see my 2 playing together that feeling has gone. it was challenging to start with but now I wouldn't have it any other way.

if you need to chat at all then feel free to private mail me xxx

 

[VickyLou]

No problem. Its good to get things off your chest at times esp to people have gone through it.

I didn't need any medication at all. The therapy (eye movement reprocessing therapy) worked great but had that not been available I would have taken medication.

I used to think I was wasting bonding time but now I think back and recognise it was a difficult time that I didn't choose. It was how I felt at the time and I couldn't change it. I hope you can get to that mindset soon. Your feelings aren't your fault, you are doing the best you can.

I initially felt I had my son too soon but now he's a year and I see my 2 playing together that feeling has gone. it was challenging to start with but now I wouldn't have it any other way.

if you need to chat at all then feel free to private mail me xxx

Thank you so much. I appreciate you getting back to me. Like you say it's good to get things off your chest sometimes especially to people that don't know you and have been there themselves so they understand.

I talk to my partner all the time when I'm having a really bad day but I think he's struggling. He doesn't understand why I'm feeling this way and doesn't know what to do to make it better.

I would really rather not take medication if I can avoid it. I personally feel from past experience theh just mask the problem they don't fix it. Some problems you can mask for a little while and deal with later but this is something that needs dealing with straight away. I hate feeling this way, I just want to feel a rush of love for my daughter. It took time with my first too cause again I had a traumatic birth and her having problems for a few months but it did come at around 10 weeks.

thank you again Hun xx

 

[Teri7489]

That rush will come, just like it did before. I just read your birth story and I'm not at all surprised you are feeling this way. Just know in time you will think back and it won't be so painful. You won't forget what happened but the raw feelings won't be so so evident.

As for your husband it will be heartbreaking. His partner has just gone through a difficult time, something he couldn't do anything about. and now he is watching you struggle and probably feels helpless. Not only that but he won't have full understanding of it as he didn't feel the pain, the hormones, the guilt or any of your feelings. It will all fall in to place soon enough and you will be happy again. The worry you had about having a second baby too soon will fade. Go easy on yourself, you've been to hell and back xxx

 

[VickyLou]

So everyone keeps telling me but us woman are always hard on ourselves especially when it comes to our children. I know I went through a tough time with the labour and birth it's still not over yet. I'm still not healed, I've had 2 infections since coming out of hospital. 1 because my scar opened up and 2 because my doctor discovered the hospital had left 3 stitches in my scar area so she had to remove them. I have a very sore large lump on the right hand side of my scar aswel. It just seems it's never ending with this scar at the moment. I just want to be back to full health like now!!

Still not heard from the hospital either they are taking there time with this appointment. Don't know how much more I can take dealing with my thoughts alone. You are right about my other half though, he told me how he was feeling yesterday, he just wants to help me and take my pain away but feels helpless cause he doesn't know what to do. He wants to help but doesn't know how he can and I don't know how he can either.

I really appreciate your advice and wisdom. Thank you. X

 

[Teri7489]

Have you got good pain relief? I was initially given a box of painkillers that would last a week but I had to go back to my GP as I needed it for almost 6 weeks (I had 300+ stitches that got infected and some didn't dissolve so had to have them removed)

Can you get out and about? As painful as it was I used to go out every day, even a walk to the shop just to clear my head. Sometimes I'd go to town and just slowly wander, felt nice being surrounded by lots of people who didn't want to talk to me if that makes sense?

You can phone up the hospital to see where they are with your appointment, sometimes a little pressure can speed things up. Maybe even go back to you HV or GP and ask then to see what's happening. Asking only shows how much you need the support.

Try to be kind to yourself, a facial, a bath, something for just you. Ask your partner for a little massage if you can cope with it. Will help you two bond and maybe will be able to get to a deeper conversation about how you are both feeling which isn't often easy in normal conversation.

Sorry if I am bombarding you with things, I just remember that dark place well and those things helped a little and got me through the days until therapy. Xxx

 

[caz_hills]

I really feel for you huge hugs. With my son I had postnatal depression. Those days were so dark and painful. It took my two and a half years to have the courage to ttc again. This time around I'm so reluebed as I've been fine - the difference is huge.

Please do try and speed the dr appointment up. They can hopefully refer you for some support. I did take anti depressants but you don't have to. You could always try some counselling or groups locally first? Like others have said I did find getting out - even though I fell SO tired, really helped. I spoke to my mum a lot and she came once a week and those days were the best as she helped, I could nap etc.

My husband to this day didn't understand. He saw how much pain I was in but couldn't understand although he tried. In his defence, I know it did ruin his experience too and I feel sad about that as it was hard for him too seeing me so low. Thats not to make you feel guilty at all - I just realise this now looking back.

It will get better - I felt it ever could but it will. Stay strong xxxx

 

[VickyLou]

Have you got good pain relief? I was initially given a box of painkillers that would last a week but I had to go back to my GP as I needed it for almost 6 weeks (I had 300+ stitches that got infected and some didn't dissolve so had to have them removed)

Can you get out and about? As painful as it was I used to go out every day, even a walk to the shop just to clear my head. Sometimes I'd go to town and just slowly wander, felt nice being surrounded by lots of people who didn't want to talk to me if that makes sense?

You can phone up the hospital to see where they are with your appointment, sometimes a little pressure can speed things up. Maybe even go back to you HV or GP and ask then to see what's happening. Asking only shows how much you need the support.

Try to be kind to yourself, a facial, a bath, something for just you. Ask your partner for a little massage if you can cope with it. Will help you two bond and maybe will be able to get to a deeper conversation about how you are both feeling which isn't often easy in normal conversation.

Sorry if I am bombarding you with things, I just remember that dark place well and those things helped a little and got me through the days until therapy. Xxx

I've finished all my tablets now with me being 8 weeks past birth. I'm not actually in a lot of pain with the scar apart from the lump I have but the pain comes and goes from that. Wow 300 stitches is a lot, ouch!! My stitches wernt dissolvable they had to be removed but they didn't remove them all hence the second infection 5 weeks into recovery.

I can get out and about but it's very difficult with the baby and my almost 2 year old. She's a handful at the moment. She never wants to leave the house and when we do its a total disaster, she has a melt down from the minute we leave till we get back home. I've just enrolled into nursery today though for 2 days a week so I'm hoping that will help her a lot and it will help me to get out abit more and hopefully force me to bond abit with the baby.

If nothing comes in the post on Monday then I'm going to ring the doctors to get her to chase it up. I don't know where she referred me to so I can't chase it up.

Me and the other half are good, he's doing a lot for me at the moment. He's just had two weeks off work, he hurt his back but I also think he was thinking of me. He really didn't need 2 weeks off but he had them. He's taking the lead with the baby at the moment doing a lot of things I should be doing but I just don't want too. That's so bad when you put it in writing. I feel like such a bad mother. I just spend a lot of my time with my 2 year. I don't know if this sounds strange but I feel like I'm grieving for the life I had with just me and her while the other half was at work.

Today has been a bad day, I've barely looked at my little girl. I've given her 1 feed all day while the other half has done everything else for her. I've just stayed out of her way as much as I could such a shit mother!! X

 

[VickyLou]

I really feel for you huge hugs. With my son I had postnatal depression. Those days were so dark and painful. It took my two and a half years to have the courage to ttc again. This time around I'm so reluebed as I've been fine - the difference is huge.

Please do try and speed the dr appointment up. They can hopefully refer you for some support. I did take anti depressants but you don't have to. You could always try some counselling or groups locally first? Like others have said I did find getting out - even though I fell SO tired, really helped. I spoke to my mum a lot and she came once a week and those days were the best as she helped, I could nap etc.

My husband to this day didn't understand. He saw how much pain I was in but couldn't understand although he tried. In his defence, I know it did ruin his experience too and I feel sad about that as it was hard for him too seeing me so low. Thats not to make you feel guilty at all - I just realise this now looking back.

It will get better - I felt it ever could but it will. Stay strong xxxx

Thanks for the hugs

I Defo won't be ttc again. The doctors told me a third child would kill me. I didn't want anymore anyway but I think that's a big thing to be told from anyone. I should be my decision if I had more children but id rather be here for the 2 I have than risk my life so you listen to the doctors.

My doctor has put a referral In for me Hun to see someone at the hospital to talk about my experience. She hopes that will help me deal with everything so I can hopefully move on and bond with my child. I hope it will. I spent years on anti depressants when I was younger for various issues I'd rather go down that route again. As I've previously said aswel I believe they mask problems and this isn't a problem that can be masked. It needs dealing with sooner rather than later.

My other half does a lot for me and my mother in law is found most days to help me out if I need it so I'm never alone. I have people I can lean on and they will allow me to go off and leave if I need to.
Luckily my other half tells me he's enjoying this time slot more than the first ( my first was poorly with allergies and screamed 20 hours a day) he just wishs I could enjoy it with him. I hope things will change very quickly cause it's really not a nice feeling as you are aware. I hope sending my eldest to nursery will help me bond with the baby when we get one on one time.

I'm so glad you are not suffering with this baby. I wouldn't wish these feelings on my worst enemy. It's horrible feeling like you don't want your own flesh and blood xx

 

[Teri7489]

Goodness you are not a shit mum. No way! This isn't your fault and given the choice you wouldn't feel this way.

There were days I used to just put my daughter down and walk outside. If I had gotten any worse I would have kept walking. Its great you have a lovely support and you don't have to feel guilty about that. Little steps at a time will help. A cuddle, bath time, baby massage. Its difficult to push past that barrier of not wanting to do it but increasing that bond bit by bit will really help. If you struggle so bad then stop and try again another time. You will get there, you really will. xxx

 

[VickyLou]

Goodness you are not a shit mum. No way! This isn't your fault and given the choice you wouldn't feel this way.

There were days I used to just put my daughter down and walk outside. If I had gotten any worse I would have kept walking. Its great you have a lovely support and you don't have to feel guilty about that. Little steps at a time will help. A cuddle, bath time, baby massage. Its difficult to push past that barrier of not wanting to do it but increasing that bond bit by bit will really help. If you struggle so bad then stop and try again another time. You will get there, you really will. xxx

Thank you. Your words of support and encouragement are really helping. Xx

 

[caz_hills]

Hope today is a good day for you x

 

[VickyLou]

Hope today is a good day for you x

Awwww thanks Hun. Only just seen this as I've not been on for a few days. Lady week arrived a little earlier than I was expecting so felt abit rubbish and full of a cold too Mentally I haven't been too bad, still waiting for my referral to come through, it's been 3 weeks now!! I'm at the hospital on the 21st with my daughter and need to pop to labour ward to see someone so I'm going to ask them about a debrief about my labour. Hopefully that will help a lot. I have so many questions I need answering. Today is a good day though, had a lovely lazy family day with other half and kiddies.

Hope you are doing well xx

 

[VickyLou]

This is truly awful. I'm having good days and bad days, today is a bad day. I can't stand to be around anyone. I've been arguing with my other half all day. Apparently I'm very moody and argumentative lately, he feels like I'm constantly looking for a row. I'll be honest I can't stand to be near him right now. Everything he does or says grates on me a lot. I feel like I'm drowning with all these emotions that I don't/can't deal with. My doctor is now on holiday for 2 weeks, I won't see anyone else. And still not heard anything from the hospital about my appointment for a debrief.

Sorry I seem to be just using this thread for a rant now. It helps to get my thoughts and feelings out there. I'm not looking for a reply from anyone.

I feel so alone right now.