Potential marriage problems after baby???

[evoluv]

so lately my DH has been saying comments like "im going to be jealous once the baby come bc your going to pay more attention to him than me" and things like "if our sex life doesnt go back to what it was per-pregnancy after the baby im going to start thinking crazy (meaning me cheating or seeking it elsewhere).. as i have a lot of time on my hands since im a stay at home mom i think about all the things he says....do you think these are signs of potential issues after the baby is born???

advice please

 

[purplepeenut]

everyone has problems in their relationship when a baby comes along!! I've been worried about the same thing since me and hubby have been togethor five years with just the two of us and soon everything will change I wouldn't worry because he'll be busy with the baby too so he'll have less time to crave attention My hubby mentioned that too. Think of them as an older child who now has to share you lol. If you aren't having normal sex after the baby (which is to be expected) he might be frustrated but things should improve as you get used to your new juggling act. Make sure he's supporting you and let him know when he says somthing that upsets you. Just talk everything through and listen to what he's worried about. Personaly I think sex is a very important part of a relationship so we should all put a little effort into that too. Woman who just rule out sex completely for a long period of time obviously have some issues they need to work out with their partner or things might deteriate. I don't think it's fair to expect a man to go completely without sex unless there are medical reasons but everyones relationship is different. Don't except him cheating just because your busier with the baby!! I'm sure if you have talk about it all it'll work out

 

[BigZai]

Take what I am going to say with a grain of salt because I do not know you and I do not know him.

From what you say he could either just be joking or it could be a sign that he is going to be a cruel manipulative person.
Him saying those things are big flashing lights to me because most (not all) people who say things like them are being manipulative and trying to get you to feel guilty when you take care of LO or feeling guilty when you dont have sex. This is a danger zone because you are a SAHM and I assume you are finacially dependent on him which mean if he does become emotionaly abusive(more then he already is) you will be stuck with no place to go and stuck with a child to think of.

Thats just my opinion and take it with a grain of salt.
Sorry about typos

 

[evoluv]

Well he kinda acts like a big kid right now and that bc we have 4 kids already (3 are his and 1 is mine) that's what worries me! He can get attention and keep busy with all the LO we have but instead he throws his fits
When he isn't getting the attention he wants! It scares me

 

[evoluv]

Take what I am going to say with a grain of salt because I do not know you and I do not know him.

From what you say he could either just be joking or it could be a sign that he is going to be a cruel manipulative person.
Him saying those things are big flashing lights to me because most (not all) people who say things like them are being manipulative and trying to get you to feel guilty when you take care of LO or feeling guilty when you dont have sex. This is a danger zone because you are a SAHM and I assume you are finacially dependent on him which mean if he does become emotionaly abusive(more then he already is) you will be stuck with no place to go and stuck with a child to think of.

Thats just my opinion and take it with a grain of salt.
Sorry about typos

I actually do agree with you! I feel that he feels he has control of
Me right now bc I'm a SAHM and need him
Until I have baby. He also says things like "don't change once you get liberty and go back to school" I know he has big issue problems bc of his ex but I feel like I've proved to him I'm NOTHING like her! I can't help but think sometimes to get out now before it gets worse or to that possessive stage

 

[BigZai]

Talk to friends and family (no one thats friend or family of his) and get their opinion of your relationship. If they agree and think he is exhibiting the behavior of someone who is controling and abusive get out now. If they do not think so reevaluate and see if you are taking his jokes as him being serious.

If after all that you are sure he is not joking and your friends and family do not see it talk to him and use "i" statements. say something like
"I feel like you are going to rush me into having sex after the baby, It takes 6 weeks to recover if you tear and it take a whole year for your body to get back to what it is. I need you to understand that I may not be ready to jump in the sac right after the baby is born my body and my libido will be different for awhile but I will do my best to make sure we are both happy"

and if he reacts badly and says something that shows his true colors then figure out different living arrangements and get out now

 

[purplepeenut]

I have to agree with the other posters who wrote about emotional manipulation. I grew up in an emotionaly abusive situation and you should take it seriously. It realy messes with your head. I was physically abused too and I can asure you the emotional abuse left FAR more of an impact. It does such emotional damage, I can't express how important it is to get on top of this before it gets worse. No one should ever make you feel guilty for things that are out of your control you poor thing. I hope you have someone to talk to about this. To me he just sounds very immature. Your partner needs to be an adult, not another child to look after. I think a lot of men need to be kind of 'looked after' to feel secure in a relationship, like a kid. But this sounds extreme and you have needs too. Good luck hun xx

 

[BigZai]

purplepeenut is right
and my FOB was very emotionaly abusive everything was my fault and he made me feel horrible and guilty. Now i just am damaged things he has said to me pop into my head and I just want to cry because I feel like I am re-living those moments. He haunts my dreams and I am terrified he will come back into my life. I have zero self esteem he really broke me down

I wish I had left him the moment I saw the first signs I wish I broke up with him the first time he said that me "what your going back to work, you really do not care about me all you care about is your job"
and that was BULL because he knew how long my breaks were and I did not have a rich mother to support me... and it only got worse

 

[evoluv]

Thank you ladies! I really do appreciate it. I really don't think they are jokes only bc he constantly says these things. I just don't see how I'm so weak when it comes to tell him how I really feel when he says these things! I really do think it has a lot to do with him being the primary caregiver. I've always been so strong and that was how I was able to get out of the relationship with my daughters father 1)bc I always spoke my mind and never tolerated his bs 2) I knew I can financially support myself and DD. now I feel that's why I feel like I can't/shouldn't say anything

 

[BigZai]

get out now

 

[SarahBear]

Could always be problems. If you talk through things though, you stand a better chance at sorting trhough things.

 

[BigZai]

would you let us know what happens? di you talk to him or anybody?

 

[evoluv]

i did talk to him last night about everything and he didnt say much but "please dont ever leave me" i know he is under a lot of stress bc he is the only bread winner here but it hasnt always been that way nor will it stay that way. despite the things he has said we do get a long and have a very loving relationship. not trying to sugar coat anything but i guess i did fail to mention the GOOD of our marriage..yesterday was a horrible day emotionally wise he even asked why i was being so mean to him. i will continue to talk to him and have informed him to stop using those comments and he has agreed...lets just hope it last

thank you for the support ladies!!!!!

 

[arj]

Men usually do feel a bit 'left out' specially if the lady breastfeeds.
But a lot of woman actually feel the same, my mum and my friend both said that their husbands would come home from work and go straight to the child rather than the wife, and that can be a little depressing.
Just take it as it comes

 

[lovelylisa84]

Who says that to their wife?! I agree with all the ladies on here about emotional abuse. He seems jealous and possessive...I mean what grown and honorable man gets worried about his own infant getting more attention? It's a baby! Of course the baby will take most of your time, genius...and while Sex Is a part of marriage its not #1.

 

[oh_so_blessed]

Just always remember to keep an out. Be it your parent's house, or a savings account, whatever. It is important never to feel stuck. I have had problems with my OH and we are now seeing a therapist. It is only because I told him where the door was and that I wasn't going to take what he was dishing and that I wasn't scared of losing him. After one such instance I told him that we absolutely needed to find a counselor or the relationship was doomed. He agreed. We work on this week by week, but I think getting the counselor was a good move. She has already helped me to understand him a little better, we are both coming from very different but equally scarred places. She sees us together and separately depending on the week. Maybe this is something you could discuss with him. I would also figure out a fall back plan and discuss it with any people that you need to know. Whether that be a best friend or your parents or siblings, find someone who you know can take you in at a moment's notice, just in case things get too bad. Good luck!

 

[oh_so_blessed]

Who says that to their wife?! I agree with all the ladies on here about emotional abuse. He seems jealous and possessive...I mean what grown and honorable man gets worried about his own infant getting more attention? It's a baby! Of course the baby will take most of your time, genius...and while Sex Is a part of marriage its not #1.

I disagree. I think most men, and maybe many women, are very scared of not being the center of affection for their spouse any longer. It is very natural. I think it is something that needs to be discussed and worked through. Obviously this person knows the drill if he has children already, so perhaps he is replaying the past, has seen this before and is worrying that their having a baby will drive a wedge between them. I think having a real discussion about how having babies affected his last relationship and how they can plan time together, perhaps springing for a sitter weekly or whatnot, is probably in order. It is possible that if this man is very scarred they will need a counselor. I am betting that is the case from what was said and from the OP's own concerns about their relationship. jmo.

 

[BigZai]

i did talk to him last night about everything and he didnt say much but "please dont ever leave me" i know he is under a lot of stress bc he is the only bread winner here but it hasnt always been that way nor will it stay that way. despite the things he has said we do get a long and have a very loving relationship. not trying to sugar coat anything but i guess i did fail to mention the GOOD of our marriage..yesterday was a horrible day emotionally wise he even asked why i was being so mean to him. i will continue to talk to him and have informed him to stop using those comments and he has agreed...lets just hope it last

thank you for the support ladies!!!!!

Its good you talked to him and all couples have good and bad days. I stillthink there is a possibility of emotional abuse but considering he did not pin it on you when you two talked it is not as likely as i first thought. Just be careful that you dont write him off so much that it is a daily thing but you convince yourself its not... Do you get what i am saying anyway glad your convo went pretty well
Good luck

 

[WelshOneEmma]

Who says that to their wife?! I agree with all the ladies on here about emotional abuse. He seems jealous and possessive...I mean what grown and honorable man gets worried about his own infant getting more attention? It's a baby! Of course the baby will take most of your time, genius...and while Sex Is a part of marriage its not #1.

I disagree. I think most men, and maybe many women, are very scared of not being the center of affection for their spouse any longer. It is very natural. I think it is something that needs to be discussed and worked through. Obviously this person knows the drill if he has children already, so perhaps he is replaying the past, has seen this before and is worrying that their having a baby will drive a wedge between them. I think having a real discussion about how having babies affected his last relationship and how they can plan time together, perhaps springing for a sitter weekly or whatnot, is probably in order. It is possible that if this man is very scarred they will need a counselor. I am betting that is the case from what was said and from the OP's own concerns about their relationship. jmo.

I don't know, my husband had no worries about not being the centre of attention once DD came along. I was more worried about the relationship as everyone says it puts immense strain on a relationship. We did have a few arguments but nothing major and as far as he was concerned we had sex when I was ready and he never once pressed me (in fact I had to make the first move).

I do think counselling is needed in this situation but I dont think that we should automatically write off this sort of behaviour as just the way men behave because I dont think the majority do.

 

[RosemaryBaby]

Everyone has different experiences. You probably shouldn't make a big decision or accusation of emotional abuse based on someone else's experience. This especially important during a time when you know your hormones are doing crazy things. It does not mean something like emotional abuse is not possible, but it seems unwise to jump to that without talking to him, expressing your feelings and concerns, and attempting to find out why he said those things. Having babies changes things and those changes can be scary and sometimes people express that fear in ways we don't understand. Not all husbands and wives and partners are able to accept the changes as easily as first expected, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they intend ( or realize) to be mean or abusive. Consistent communication is pretty useful.