pregnant after miscarriage...only to have partner leave me

[lbeee84]

So im new to all this and im not sure if anyone will even read this...if not at least getting some of this off my chest which will be theraputic. So where to begin: I met my boyfriend about a year and a half ago and I thought i had met my prince charming. He was everything I wanted in a man and then some. But as time wore on I found that things werent what i had made them out to be. He started to verbally berate me on a daily basis..calling me names and picking fights w/me over the smallest things. I would just walk away from these fights accepting my blame and try to move on. On top of that I discovered that he was an alcoholic. And the alcohol only seemed to make our fights 10x worse...it's even turned physical before but of course he blames me and i always seem to crawl back to him. Im an idiot..trust me i know. Well fast forward 8 months into our relationship and the frequency and severity of the fights increased and to top it off I found out I was pregnant. I know it sounds sick and irresponsible but i was thrilled. I love children and had wanted another one for quite some time (I have a son from a previous marriage--and thank god he's been shielded from the majority of this mess), and my bf seemed excited as well. However, it wasn't meant to be and i miscarried about 6 wks into the pregnancy. I was devestated and to make matters worse my bf was completely removed from the situation. I remember one night crying curled up on the sofa begging him to hold me and he just ignored my and left the room. After that things just went down hill. I found that at least once a month i would have to leave our shared house to go to my mom's because the fighting was too much to bear and i didnt want my son to wake and be exposed to the madness. He always spews hateful things at me, mostly after binge drinking all night. He'll say things like I'm a terrible mom b/c i dont clean or cook (and no i dont cook...but i can put things toghether and in terms of cleaning im not a neat freak like him but i do pick upround the house) or that he doesnt know why he's with me and hates me (these are only a few of the things he says...there are much more and worse but i just dont feel it necessary to post them). So I was finally at the end of my rope and thinking about leaving when i found out i was pregnant again...which seem miraculous bc we are hardly intimate (im talking like maybe 2x a month max). He seemed excited as he does want a child of his own..and as i mentioned i have always wanted another child. And for a while there things seemed to improve in our relationship. He said he would try to stop drinking..which he was able to stop for 3 days (quite a feat for him). But I could tell that even though he was excited about the baby he wasnt happy that it was with me. He's not affectionate with me at all (and forget romance we have only been on like 4 dates in the year and a half ive been with him), and most days i feel that he hates me...I feel so alone and I have no support to speak of with him. Anyways, this past friday hhe slipped up and started drinking...heavily. We started to argue about it and finally he kicked me out of the house (that I pay 2/3 of the mortgage for mind you...but its in his name so i have no rights). Ive been at my moms since then...ive gotten no calls from him. So what do i do? I text him saying "I love you"...and "we need to talk in the future to figure things out"...no reply for several hrs. Finally he texts me back and states that he needs time to himself and that i was the one who left and he doesnt want to fight and blah blah blah. so once again im the one who is left hurting alone w/this unborn baby and my son...i just paid "rent" too and yet i have to leave and retreat once again to my mom's house. I just feel so alone and scared...most men in this situation would probably run after their pregnant gf to make sure she's ok and taken care of. But of course that would imply that they actually love their significant other and i think its pretty safe to assume that i am not loved at all. I'm sorry to babble on and on but i guess i just wanted a sympathetic ear...i dont have really anyone to talk to and im so scared and lonely. Im scared bc i just suffered a miscarriage and im scared the same thing will happen with this baby and im lonely bc even when he is around he isnt affectionate w/me and when i try to talk with him he either ignores me or blows up at me. even with all that ive said i still love him very much but i know this is a sick relationship and i dont want to damage my son...as ive said most of our fights take place at night when hes fast asleep and when we leave he just thinks we're having a slumber party at grandmas, which is a special treat for him in his eyes. but still if anyone has any similar stories to empathize with or can offer kind words i'd so appreciate it right now... i could use a friend right now.

 

[Blue eyes 81]

So sorry you are going through this!
Verbal and or physical abuse is never OK.
My best friend was in a similar situation.
Her ex was an addict and would get really
abusive. She left him while pregnant to protect
the child she was pregnant with and her little boy.
She followed her gut feeling and leaned on friends and
family for support. I actually was in the dilivery room
with her when she gave birth to support her and would just
call to update the babies father for her.
It was very difficult for her at the beginning but today if you
ask her she will say it was the best thing she could have
done for her and her children. That was just her situation
and please don't think by any means I am telling you this
to sway you into not going back. It is a very personal decision
and I would never want anyone to think I was trying to force my
opinion on them.
I have my fxd that what ever you decide to do will work out for
the best for you.

 

[lbeee84]

thank you for giving me encouraging words! It is so nice to see there are such considerate people out there! I am seriously considering throwing in the towel on this one...i would love for him to clean up his act and realize how precious and important i am to him but that seems more fairy tale fodder than anything else. Again thank you for your kindness...i truly appreciate it!! And congrats on your pregnancy! It looks as though you are more than half way to the finish line!

 

[TTC#1Amanda]

I agree with Blue eyes 81 that verbal and physical abuse is NOT ok, but i see that you do love him so it would be quite difficult to make any decision, have you talked to your mother for advice or help?
i myself havnt been in your situation so i do have no idea what it would be like, but i do know there are people on here that do offer genuine help and advice with any issue's, all i can suggest is that you think about yourself, your son and your pregnancy and do what is best for your family, if it means leaving and solving the issues over the phone before you go back, do that, if it involves sitting down with him and having a proper conversation on how you feel and what needs to be done to make things better, set a time with him, theres lots of things you could do, to either get him help or work out the problem together etc.

Im hope that you will stay safe and well, and that you can solve this

 

[Bubsta]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am reading this as someone that does not know your partner and am just listening to things from your side.... BUT.... I'm sorry, you need someone that treats you so so much better than this guy. Who the hell does he think he is to put his hands on you? Is he kidding? A real man never puts his hands on someone he loves in anger. Especially a woman! what a coward. i understand addiction, but when it is making him a horrible person, than he needs to do something about it! I don't care what the excuse. It's good that your son is being shielded from this, but for how long? Kids are pretty cluey, he may have picked up more than you realise. He is not a good role model. I know you love him, and I know you can't switch love off... But you need to love yourself more. You deserve to be with someone that treats you right and shows you the love that you deserve. It is such a hard hard position for you to be in.... But you need to WALK AWAY if he treats you like this.
I know, it sounds easy, but its not. I know that Hun. You need some distance to get some perspective. If that is just too hard, then he needs to be the one to make the effort. Let him be the one to call/text. Let him realise you won't be treated like this and if he wants you in his life, then he better sincerely apologise, do something about anger management and treat you right. He needs to actually show you that he loves you, and by all accounts, he isnt doing that. I'm sorry if I've sounded abrupt or rude. That's not my intention. I honestly feel compassion for you and I loathe seeing people treated like crap, and taking it.
Good luck moving forward sweet. I honestly wish you all the best and hope you can find some happiness. Xx

 

[Tournesol]

Hi Ibeee

I am so sorry that you are going through this at such a difficult time.
What this man is doing to you is abuse. Whether it be verbal or physical, it's still abuse.
Only you can decide what action to take, people can give you their opinions, they can be supportive and listen to you, but only you can decide what is best for you and your children.
I agree with Bubsta, children are incredibly perceptive and the chances are that your son knows exactly what goes on between you.
I remember listening to my parents arguing and shouting while they were going through a divorce, as far as they knew I was fast asleep in bed, but I heard every word and I remember it to this day.
Whatever happens, the problems lie with him and his addiction, not with you. You can't help him until he wants to be helped.

Good luck and stay strong

 

[ncmommy]

You deserve so much better! How would you feel if one of your children was being treated this way? Kids are more observant than you think. You need to be a good example for your son and the child on the way. What if he were to injure you while you are pregnant? I know you may still love him but you fell in love with a different person, he is no longer that same person! I wish you the best and hope this is your sticky bean!

 

[lbeee84]

Thank you all for listening to me vent and offering kind words of advise...and you are all so right. I am a fool for thinking my son isnt privy to whats going on. I think its just a defense mechanism on my part to think hes none the wiser. But to put it bluntly i think im so desperate...for lack of better words...for this man to love me that im willing to lower my standards (on how i should be treated) that i just about put up with anything. And i have no one to blame but me. and im not trying to play the 'poor me/victim'card bc trust me i too have a hand in some of our spats but still some of the cruel things he says/does to me just leaves me feeling like a lower life form. Im always the one who comes crawling back...he always tells me how much he enjoys his time away from me. and when we are together hes never cuddly or even romantic. I just want to be held sometimes...ya know? I want to feel like im beautiful and loved but instead im lucky to even get a simple "goodnight". I know I need to leave...trust me I do and i'm sorry you all have to listen to me whine. I just dont have many people to vent to...ive talked to my mom about this a million times and it just makes her worry and i dont want to put added stress on her or my family's lives. I dont really like talking to friends about it as ive noticed their eyes tend to glaze over after hearing it for the billionth time. So thank you all for letting me vent...it just feels nice to get it off my chest.

 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi, there. First, I want you to know that you are NOT an idiot or a fool. Relationships are tricky, and like you said, we woman all just want to be loved and romanced, and there is no shame in wanting that. Second, congrats on your pregnancy! Even though you are going through a rough time right now, it's still exciting. Lastly, I just want to say that even if you don't get back together with this guy as BF and GF, that doesn't mean you can't have a civil relationship with him and have him be a part of your new baby's life. I think you can find a way to make it work. Chin up, babe, and do something nice for yourself today, eh?