Problems going back to work

[highhopes19]

Bit of a long ramble so please bare with me .

I know daisy isn't technically a baby any more, but I'm only just returning to work. And thought they may be more people in the same boat on this board.

I applied for a weekend position where my sister works, I was forced to leave my previous job when pregnant with daisy after 7 years of hell!

When I applied for this job, my mum was all for it and offered to watch the girls if toms working on a weekend (he's self employed in property maintenance, Monday- Friday works for a company and then weekends he now only uses for doing his own work every now and then). So I went ahead and applied for job.

At a family gathering last weekend I was chatting to my cousin and I was telling her about me going back to work doing weekends... and all my cousin said was "aw that'll be good gets you out the house for a couple of hours doesn't it... is mum and dad having the girls if toms working?" Before I could answer my mum interrupted saying "no I'm bloody not".

Can I state quickly I've in no way expected my mum ever to watch the girls and I never would... but sometimes I do feel a little sad about how little she wants any kind of involvement with them. My dad is great and loves having the girls but he's disabled and can't care for daisy especially on his own. My girls only have one set of grandparents that bother wth them which is really sad. I don't have an amazing relationship with my mum and have tried everything to build one, I don't even feel welcome when I go round there the girls are but I'm made to feel like I shouldn't be there .

I've even said to my dad yesterday that I would pay mum to watch them but he said I shouldn't have to but I really don't mind. As she's a carer on the community and has lost a few clients she's always saying she has no money so I thought this would help her a bit.

I feel so upset that when I applied for the job she said she wouldn't mind but now it's a problem I'm panicking as I start my first shift tomorrow this weekend she's reluctantly agreed

Its temporary till September, I was so excited to start and was hoping to be kept on but now I feel like I need to hand my notice in before I've even started

X

 

[MindUtopia]

If you had talked to her and she agreed, but now is being grumpy about it, yes, that's inappropriate and rude on her part. Though frankly, if your husband is only working extra hours on the weekend and his usual work is during the week, I'd probably expect him to not work those weekends and be at home, at least some of the time. My husband is also self-employed and I know when I have to be away on a weekend for work travel or have some project to finish up and need to work extra on the weekend, he is always home as he can arrange his hours around that. So it doesn't sound like it would need to be every weekend she has to do it (nor should she). But I think it's a bit cheeky to change her mind or expect to be paid (unless it was every weekend, then I would definitely at least be covering her expenses).

But sadly, I think what you describe isn't all that uncommon. My mum would love the chance to have our daughter on a weekend. She lives overseas though and only sees her about every 3 months when she comes for a visit. But my MIL would absolutely never, ever help in a situation like that (and frankly I wouldn't want her too). She hasn't even seen our daughter in 9 months and she lives 1.5 hours away and only works 3 days a week with plenty of free time, healthy, able to drive, etc.. Meanwhile, my mum is an 11 hour flight away and she sees her way more often. Sadly, some families are just like that. It's really painful and I know it hurts my husband's feelings terribly, but he's coming to accept that's just how she is. It's taken a lot of us just talking through it to start to heal and accept it's nothing to do with us and everything to do with her own issues. Sorry you're doing through this though.

Either way, I would really talk to her and decide if this is something she is able to help with on a regular basis, maybe no more than once or twice a month, and pin something down that you are both comfortable with and balance that time with your husband being home the other weekends so that you hopefully have some help from her, but it doesn't become too much of a burden, especially if you think she might be unreliable and pull out at the last minute.

 

[highhopes19]

If you had talked to her and she agreed, but now is being grumpy about it, yes, that's inappropriate and rude on her part. Though frankly, if your husband is only working extra hours on the weekend and his usual work is during the week, I'd probably expect him to not work those weekends and be at home, at least some of the time. My husband is also self-employed and I know when I have to be away on a weekend for work travel or have some project to finish up and need to work extra on the weekend, he is always home as he can arrange his hours around that. So it doesn't sound like it would need to be every weekend she has to do it (nor should she). But I think it's a bit cheeky to change her mind or expect to be paid (unless it was every weekend, then I would definitely at least be covering her expenses).

But sadly, I think what you describe isn't all that uncommon. My mum would love the chance to have our daughter on a weekend. She lives overseas though and only sees her about every 3 months when she comes for a visit. But my MIL would absolutely never, ever help in a situation like that (and frankly I wouldn't want her too). She hasn't even seen our daughter in 9 months and she lives 1.5 hours away and only works 3 days a week with plenty of free time, healthy, able to drive, etc.. Meanwhile, my mum is an 11 hour flight away and she sees her way more often. Sadly, some families are just like that. It's really painful and I know it hurts my husband's feelings terribly, but he's coming to accept that's just how she is. It's taken a lot of us just talking through it to start to heal and accept it's nothing to do with us and everything to do with her own issues. Sorry you're doing through this though.

Either way, I would really talk to her and decide if this is something she is able to help with on a regular basis, maybe no more than once or twice a month, and pin something down that you are both comfortable with and balance that time with your husband being home the other weekends so that you hopefully have some help from her, but it doesn't become too much of a burden, especially if you think she might be unreliable and pull out at the last minute.

Thankyou I'll only be doing four hours on a Saturday and Sunday, and toms private work is as and when it comes up so for example this weekend he is working but next week he's not.. they encouraged us to book a holiday with them for October so knew we both were trying to get loads of overtime in to pay for it.. so my mum agreed tom doing this every now and then was a good idea aswell as me working.

To be honest, if this was unlike my mum and she was nice and kind in every other way i wouldn't be as hurt but because this is something that's happened since I was a child it hurts and it hurts a lot.. I'm so jealous of those daughters that have an amazing relationship with their mum and I'm scared to even ask if I can pop round as see them because of how she'll react... I've done absolutely nothing wrong to her over the years I've brought her things to try and win her affection, I would stay off school as a child and clean the house whilst she was at work in the mornings to just to get her to be nice to me and it was never enough. Years of counselling and still feels like shit. I feel in such a bad place with it at the moment

We live 10 minutes from both sets of grandparents, toms parents haven't seen them since February and never once asked how they are since then

I wish I could talk to her but I so worry how she's gonna react and might fly off the handle at me or she may take it fine it's just guessing what mood she may be in with me that day

 

[noon_child]

It is difficult to communicate in some relationships because we carry a lot of baggage about other things that have been left unsaid. One of the best tools I've ever found for communicating in difficult situations is the EFNC method
Explain
Feelings
Need
Consequence
So it would go something like...
"When you told me I should apply for a weekend job and you'd watch the kids, but then changed your mind (that's the explain bit) it made me feel like me and the kids weren't important to you (feelings). I don't expect you to sacrifice your own needs but I do need you to follow through on promises you make. I need you to tell me what help you can realistically give me (needs). Otherwise I'm going to be constantly worrying if I made a mistake taking this job, and I'm going to be worrying about whether you are resenting looking after your grandchildren or going to change your mind again (consequences)."

She may react badly - but that will be all on her because there is nothing attacking in what you have said. Sounds like you were constantly searching for her approval and I wonder where that has left your self-esteem? You get self-esteem from being assertive about what you need, by believing that you deserve to be treated well. Assertive doesn't mean aggressive or demanding, just communicating what you need and deserve.

 

[CRWx]

I think it's really quite unfair that your mum has reacted that way especially after offering initially, if a conversation hasn't been had where she's said 'you know what, I don't think I can have the girls of a weekend' at the beginning then that would be fine but to react that way after seemingly encouraging you isn't fair at all IMO

With your OH it sounds like it's be a couple of times a month (?) which I don't think is much to ask all, considering it's only for a few hours!